I’m poking around the backend of the site, cleaning things up. I came across a story bit that explains why I quit playing cards. I’ve been posting stories, lately. These smaller bits tie everything together.
Mulling this, I came across another short bit about the time I made my first long distance phone call. I was twenty years old and had no earthy idea how to do it.
At the time, I fully expected to go through life without ever participating in “long distance calling”. This informs you, I was in an exceptional situation to have me pick up phone and try to de-confuse myself.
This is part of that post. Jewish Girl was my best friend, for a number of years. Her brand new car was hit by a train within 24 hours of driving it off the lot.
“…I quit writing about “Jewish Girl” because I was told it was offensive. Not PC, I guess and frankly it’s just not worth it to try to skirt around all these rules when you have a story to tell. Hey! Jewish Girl was Jewish. It was part of her identity like I am Italian. She loved her Jewishness quite a lot, so what do I call her? Innocuous Girl? Unidentifiable girl?”
That was 2010. I didn’t realize I’ve been censoring myself for so long. It’s sad. But then it hit me, I’ve been self-censoring for a lot longer than that.
I quit playing cards in my 20’s for the same reason. I had a Capricorn boyfriend tell me I could not play my natural game, which included lots of banter and jokes.
Cards are competitive so it’s my 9th house, Mars Mercury conjunction, representing me at the table. No brainer, right? I am going to play, OUT, but it was not acceptable.
I am not blaming this man. He was correct, I was obnoxious. But I chose to quit playing cards over trying to contort myself so that I could play nicely, lose, and please people as recommended.
This feels good on one level. It’s my Mars and I don’t have to share it with every yahoo!
But this self-censorship goes back much further. Every story I write is full of hard-on thinking that I keep to myself to avoid some type of punishment. I see now, it’s my natal condition, rather than the current state of society.
Can you relate?