Making Your Own Hell – What Fun!

When someone does something nasty to me, the first thing I do is ask myself if I set it up.  I’m not talking about superficial things like attacks on my blog from Internet people. I am talking about deeper betrayals; things that are real and personal to me.

Nine times out of ten, I have set the thing up. I want to happen. I may not be entirely conscious when I set a process in motion, but I am conscious enough.

The tenth time out of ten, I probably set that up as well, lol.

Once I link things up like this, I ask myself (my subconscious) what the hell I am up to.  I’ve been doing this long enough, I usually get a quick response.

Twenty years ago, I was horrified by how I had set myself up and why.  Today, I’m almost always pleased. I’ve come to trust myself on a deep level.

In case I’ve not been clear – let’s say I am in the room with a live grenade and a dangerous person.  I’d rather handle that grenade myself.

Who can relate?

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Making Your Own Hell – What Fun! — 16 Comments

  1. Hmmm, I do get to thinking along those lines often. But then nine times out of ten I reach the same conclusion: the only part that is my fault is that I stayed around long enough for that nasty thing to happen to me. The opportunity for me to walk away was always there, I could see it coming (as opposed to brought it upon myself) but I hang around hoping it won’t hurt me. It always does.

  2. I’m more with Little One… I’ve been more often the hanger-oner hoping things will get better. At least this was my role in my last intense situation. That individual definitely set themselves up with me – pushing me away, pushing me away, until I finally left — then he acted all outraged — but he contributed massively to this happening. In the end he created some even bigger drama by pulling me close *then* pushing me away in rapid succession — maybe he needed the extreme juxtaposition to cause the “final break” — where the f’ed up-ness was finally too glaring to ignore. Oh wow, how wise. Good for him.

    I suspect he has the ongoing habit of self-sabotage. Maybe he simply needs his space & has no regrets, after the fact. But he could surely have picked a more loving & mature way of communicating his needs. And could have done some soul-searching in advance (since he says he’s a ‘spiritual’ person) to save us all the pain & confusion & drama. Sheesh. Grow up. Get healing.

    Not all these little stratagems are worthy of applause. Some of them just mess with other people’s emotions, & are simply hurtful.

    What an ass. Sorry, my heart has largely forgiven, but my mind still has him labeled & in a box, for easy reference 😉 “No need to go there any more”, is what the “asshole” label conveys.


  3. Interesting food for thought! I might set myself up forcing myself into a certain direction. I probably should own up to more things…..

  4. Actually~ what I meant by self-sabotager is exactly what ya’ll are saying. I am really good at communicating and somehow I always involve myself with people who are not. Why do I do this? It’s like I’m going to love them into being straightforward or self-aware? Do I do it to save them? Whatever the reason I have started to see it as me sabotaging myself… getting embroiled with people who clearly have no interest in evolving past their garbage.

  5. Little One nailed it for me on this one. I thought I could carry the whole ball in both of my marriages. I went in knowing they would be ‘challenges.’ I married my mom and dad, twice… but it resolved nothing. Actually I finally figured it out why I chose those two with the help of this blog. A little late though… I’m in my 60’s.

  6. I think I do a bit of self sabotage along with some passive-aggressive stuff. Like waiting for the other party to attack so that I can be the injured one instead of the “bad guy”.

    I also think I make my own hell by needlessly holding onto grudges and resentments, long past when it would make sense to let go. I’m working on that!

  7. I’m interpreting “set myself up” along the lines of deepest underlying intentions. My deepest underlying intention was to be a good communicator, a la elizabethe, & ‘get this thing to work’ (which was naive in retrospect, so I feel you, e!)

    In my view, his deepest intention was not for the thing to work, but to get involved with me out of… not knowing what else to do… or to keep repeating the hurt he’s felt in the past, to keep it alive & active (I literally think it’s something like that)… So in that case he set himself, & me, up for pain.

    He sabotaged, imho, what could have been a beautiful relationship, by not trying, & going back to previous dysfunctional behavior patterns (ie: drinking, numbing himself).

    Deep down, maybe he knew what he was doing all along, & it worked for him (was all about him, actually – narcissism), was bad for me. Again, my fault for being naive. But I don’t think I semi-consciously set myself up to fail… it’s more like, I had a blind spot… had never dealt with a traumatized alcoholic before, basically.

    So there you go. Dealing with deep patterns, w/ Saturn in Scorpio & all.

  8. this is such a good day for this subject. i can realte, and i set things up in my mind minutes before i set them up in “reality”, but then i usualy forget i am the cause, and get inside my own little staged drama. so terible. i have to stop it.

  9. I’ve been told I scare people away because I am socially awkward. I don’t listen to them and I continue to scare people away. I just wonder when L will stop calling when she needs me and when my drummer will leave me 🙁 I guess I was meant to be a lonely life path number 1. But seriously instead of working on communication skills (chiron in gemini) I just continue to say things or do awkward things to people. The worst part is they are reinforcing my the labeling theory on me and it pisses me off. And I can’t do much I’m like a rat in a cage with these same old patterns. Thank god for A and LB but they understand me better because they saw a better window period in my life and therefore are waiting till I get normal again. I don’t know if I can fit in when I’m in this mold. I went off to venting instead of being aware which is sort of an awkward thing to do lol.

  10. I set myself up by confronting topics and things others will not, are too wimpy to or prefer to be/play dumb to.(sag asc) Usually done for a reason eg to clear the air, create a level playing field (mars in libra) but often it backfires and they turn on me because they’ve had to step out of their comfort zone.

    Mars in libra a hilarious placement (“detriment”) in acting to keep/ create balance/peace/fairness it often causes horrendous arguments 😉 at least mine does. It ACTS, no “anything for an easy life Libran sweetness or ostrich with head in sand” here, the truth shall out!

    Been a whistle blower on e, not pleasant standing alone.

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