I Love My Mom But She Drives Me Crazy! Cancer Sun With Moon Uranus Conjunct in Scorpio

Dear Elsa,

I love my mother very much but we have a deeply challenging relationship. We often both feel misunderstood, and that whatever we offer one another is not good enough. I also have a lot of often unexplained and barely-held-in-check anger towards my mother. She irritates the hell out of me and my impatience leaks out most of the time when we talk.

I don’t like to be angry at my mother, especially because she tries very hard and is very selfless and giving. However, she can also be deeply manipulative and hysterical so my ire does not come entirely out of the blue.

For years I dreamt of never seeing her again, even thought I could spend years happily not talking to her. Although the relationship with her is much better now than it then, it’s still nowhere near as good as it could be. I love her and admire her strength and her intellect, but I often feel like I can’t stand to be around her.

I have no idea how to make the relationship between us better, but I really want to try. Do you have any advice about what’s going on between us, and what the best way is to proceed?

Angsty Daughter

Dear Angsty,

I read your post and checked your chart and it was pretty obvious to me what the problem is. But I want you to know I looked at your mother’s chart as well, in the interest of being careful, conscientious, thorough etc. Sure enough I found that you and your mother are very, very similar. Let’s see:

You’re a Cancer with a Virgo Rising, a Scorpio Moon and some planets in Libra.

She is a Virgo with Cancer Moon, Venus in Scorpio and a stellium in Libra.

Hmm…

See, you have a Moon Uranus conjunction in Scorpio! So you are deeply merged with your mother, and simultaneously wanting to detach and get away! This describes a state of extreme “un-comfort”. But this is in your chart, see. And this means it is your problem. In other words you are going to feel these things, regardless of what your mother does.

But you can make fast progress if you come to realize that everything you loathe about your mother is also inside of you – because it is! But you can revolutionize (Uranus) and transform (Scorpio) her energy, if this is your will. But this is an advanced game. And to get in position to be able to manage this, you must come to understand you have swallowed your mother whole.

Please. Aren’t you manipulative and hysterical at times? Don’t you irritate the living shit out of people at times? And aren’t you strong and intellectual? You get the idea.

Forget about your mother and work with your own emotional nature. If you change, she will change… so change!

Good luck.

 

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I Love My Mom But She Drives Me Crazy! Cancer Sun With Moon Uranus Conjunct in Scorpio — 18 Comments

  1. This post makes me think of the relationship I have with my father.
    We drive each other crazy (he’s stubborn and I’m pushy). Sometimes we don’t talk for weeks…
    Looking at our charts, I’ve noticed similar aspects/placements:
    Moon conjunct Pluto + revengeful Saturn in Scorpio!

  2. Wow…as soon as I read your question…Elsa then took the words right out of my mouth!

    I sooooo wish I had a mother who was selfless, giving…and even ‘tried’ to focus on someone else for a change.

    My Mom: Scorp Sun, Moon, Mercury with Leo ASC, Venus in Cap. Detached, mean and self-centered.

    Please follow Elsa’s advice-You were given a piece of gold! (In more ways than one!)

  3. Yay, my favorite pin is back! 😀

    Angsty, your letter to Elsa really struck a chord with me. Here’s why:

    Me – Moon conjunct Uranus, Mars & Pluto in Virgo; Pisces Sun, Cancer Rising.
    My Mother – Moon conjunct Pluto, Jupiter & Mars in Cancer; Virgo Sun, Pisces rising.

    So, if I say I know where you’re coming from, I ain’t kiddin’! 😀

    She’s gone now. I loved her. She was manipulative and controlling as all get out, and just for fun also a hypocondriac. But I loved her. She was an alcoholic who wouldn’t quit drinking until my Father threatened to send me to boarding school in Europe to get me away from her when I was 14. She stopped drinking that day, never had another drink, but she replaced the bottle with me.

    Elsa is right: “But you can make fast progress if you come to realize that everything you loathe about your mother is also inside of you – because it is!”

    My Mother taught me how not to be her. Without her I’d be her.

    “Please. Aren’t you manipulative and hysterical at times? Don’t you irritate the living shit out of people at times? And aren’t you strong and intellectual? You get the idea.”

    Ah, that made me laugh! So true of me, probably true of you too, Angsty. And when I catch myself doing, being, my Mother, I stop and laugh at myself and change direction. I’m grateful for the lessons she taught me. I miss her.

    “For years I dreamt of never seeing her again, even thought I could spend years happily not talking to her. Although the relationship with her is much better now than it then, it’s still nowhere near as good as it could be. I love her and admire her strength and her intellect, but I often feel like I can’t stand to be around her.”

    It never got to be that bad with my Mother and I; she could drive me batshit crazy, but she was also my friend. What you wrote about, that’s my relationship with my Father – or was. I’m working on that.

    Elsa said: “Forget about your mother and work with your own emotional nature. If you change, she will change… so change!” Again, she’s right. You’re the only one who can fix your relationship with your Mother. She may change because you do, but you can’t bet on that, and that’s not what matters. It’s about how you feel – you control your reactions to her behavior. If you can find humor in her behavior, it’ll help you. Just don’t let this go on until she leaves this life. The regrets just aren’t worth it.

    Sorry for hijacking your thread Elsa, but this letter, obviously, touched a chord.

  4. Oi! I could’ve written that letter, every word. So reading what Elsa wrote I trundled off to look at our charts and discovered the following:

    my mom’s Uranus is exactly conjunct my moon/merc conjunction in Cancer (I’m also a Cancer rising)
    Her moon is conjunct my descendent & mars in Capricorn, opposing my Venus & ascendent.
    and her mars conjunct my 4th house pluto in scorpio.
    Doesn’t this just sound like fun? *giggles* She’s also majorly Virgo, Leo & Sag. But with Virgo Saturn in the 9th, the Sag gets to be strangling some times. (that is, hard-core Christian. Has repeatedly told me to stay away from astrology as it is evil. No joke)

    It’s true that I’m exactly like her in so many ways. I catch her words coming out of my mouth all the time. But as Laura said “Without her I’d be her.”

    -K

  5. I could have written this post, and I had to go check my mom’s astrology in order to check. Nope, we don’t have Moon/Uranus…but we do have Jupiter/Uranus conjunct in Cancer. Sounds like similar issues…

    Even worse, her nodes are exactly opposite to mine- Aries for her, Libra for me. I’m supposed to be a warrior who learns to partner, and she’s supposed to learn how to not be codependant! Talk about karmic ass-kicking for the both of us there, eh? I suppose if anyone’s supposed to be my trapped-with-karmic-soulmate, she is… though I have to say that it’s really not working so far. I’m feeling smothered under her and now want to avoid all people for life, and she’s refusing to learn to be alone and like it! Argh!!!

  6. I feel this way about my mother-in-law. She is a Virgo (has a stellium in Virgo) and her N. Node is in Pisces in the 12th house (so double Pisces N. Node basically), and she’s moon Sag, rising Aries. I’m Sun Aries, Rising Sag.

    I have no Virgo, except for my N. Node. So, south node in Pisces (and moon/mars in Pisces, aspects to Neptune). So I feel supremely irritated by her. I have a lack of earth in my chart, and a decent amount of water (namely Piscean/Neptunian things).

    What annoys me about her is what she does that I feel unable to do. (i.e. she will do and try anything, and be determined, even selfish (she’s an Aries rising, and I’m an Aries sun, so that part of me I tend to feel ashamed of and squelch due to my Pisces. So, I see my own shadow in her. Anytime she does something that I feel I could never do or would feel uncomfortable doing (but secretly envy, I get so pissed, but it’s mostly internal. I’m afraid to show it.)

    She has a lack of water and a lot of earth. I know I should be learning something from this…hehe. It’s interesting because we’re both extremely similar (ala Aries and Sag) and also opposite (Virgo vs. Pisces). Another odd thing is she compares me to her mom who is a Pisces (which is not necessarily a good thing cause she had major issues with her mom, but yet she says she likes me. Anyway, long story.

    It’s interesting when you get past the irritation of what’s grating on you to the solution and the way to apply it.

    Adios,
    H

  7. Ouch!! Yep that would be me as well. Didn’t you say your theory is that we choose our own parents? Or at least we are given to the parents we’re supposed to have? And I am changing and it does help. Spot on again Elsa!

  8. Aaaah. I could have written that letter as well. My Uranus conjunct her moon with our Mercuries square. She’s a scorpio moon as well, overreacts all the time… She sees herself as being sensitive, I see her as being like the weather- constant and unable to be directed or witheld. The hardest thing is telling her how I feel and getting her to understand without a) Unloading the emotional shotgun into me, or b)Misunderstanding and then broadcasting our conversation to all and sundry.
    We also have space issues. I feel like she is swallowing me whole all the time, she thinks that she is being physically affectionate- The person who told her that I was too old to be breastfed anymore? Me! At three years old!
    My parents sent me to a counsellor to ‘get me better’, because I was making it clear that I wasn’t happy living with them again. But they got a bit of a shock when I came back with all these ways of dealing with their behaviour towards me!
    If we are supposed to push each other’s buttons, then mission accomplished. I just wish it wasn’t quite so much work…

  9. man, its all about taking that breath and trying not to be mean… or at least that’s what i learned to do with my mom. My dad on the other hand, i just am short-tempered with cause he’s just lazy, but then again, I am too so in a way I’m yelling at myself. Is that what you think that you are doing? Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t but I love my parents and they’ve messed up considerably before but we all have to move on in one way or another and I chose to move on with them rather than without them.

  10. Dear Elsa, thank you for taking the time to answer my question and dear everyone else – thank you for your comments (especially to Nichole for the useful tips). I had no idea there were so many people being driven batty by their moms but it’s been very heartening to read your responses.

    You’re right, my mother and I are very similar, a fact she points out all the time (*I used to say/think/do exactly the same thing when I was your age*); and the commenters are right – my mother serves as a good example of some things I’ll try not to do in my life (and without her example I’m sure I would be doing plenty of them, since we are very similar she and I).

    Although picking up on what Kathy said:
    I sooooo wish I had a mother who was selfless, giving…and even ‘tried’ to focus on someone else for a change.

    Selflessness and giving are frequently found served with a side of emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping and passive aggression, so can be a mixed blessing as such.

    So you are deeply merged with your mother, and simultaneously wanting to detach and get away!

    True, true. Scorpio Moon-Uranus Conjunct is a fucking pain in the ass if your Sun happens to be in Cancer because it’s not comfortable by a long shot. And indeed the Moon Uranus opposed Chiron has quite accurately summed up the dance of wounding and rejection my mother and I have been playing out since I was two. However, I’m deeply grateful for the Uranian influence from keeping me tipping over into emotionality by helping me get a bit detached from myself when things get too intense.

    But you can make fast progress if you come to realize that everything you loathe about your mother is also inside of you – because it is! But you can revolutionize (Uranus) and transform (Scorpio) her energy, if this is your will. But this is an advanced game. And to get in position to be able to manage this, you must come to understand you have swallowed your mother whole.

    To be honest right now this advice feels vague and unhelpful. But who knows perhaps this is because I made my question too vague, or because I’m dense and the insight you’re offering (which many other people seem to be connecting to) isn’t something I can process right now but maybe it will come to me later.

    You’re right, once I realised that what I hated about my mom was a part of me, I certainly did make a lot of progress, but this was years ago. It’s made a big difference to my behaviour both in terms of being more tolerant towards her and monitoring myself carefully in terms of my own thoughts and actions so I don’t end up playing out some of those things in my later life. I certainly have an enormous tendency towards passive aggression/manipulation and the only thing that keeps this in check is realising how it feels when it’s done to me by my nearest and dearest.

    However although initially helpful, it still doesn’t resolve my ongoing issues with my mom. It doesn’t make the anger or resentment of Past and Present Wrongs any less, nor does it show me where to go from here in a way that doesn’t make my own head explode. (And seriously, as a teenager the frustration of that silent anger and the guilt of being angry at someone good who doesn’t mean to hurt you fuelled years of self-harm and years and years of dreaming of suicide).

    Therapy has certainly helped, as has the realisation that my mother and I are each other’s shadow sides, but it still doesn’t solve the larger problem of communication and negotiation.

    Therapy coincided with my progressed New Moon landing on the North Node in Leo which spelled the beginning of the beginning of doing things My Way, and that’s certainly helped my happiness and self-esteem – however it’s also been a factor in more difficult relations with my mother who has been describing me since that time as cold and rejecting of her, as well as making the choices I make as decisions to spite and wound her. (And yes I still pierced my ears and had love affairs with other women regardless of my mother’s feelings on the matter, and doing what I needed to do for me made me happy on one hand just as it made me sad on the other about how much constant aggro I was getting about it at home).

    I don’t intend to stop changing or dialoguing with my own inner self and my own inner shadow because I’d made a commitment to myself that since I was alive I’d better just make most of it.

    Fortunately, my mother and I have certainly been able to recognise the efforts the other one has made and we are less extreme than we were. But I still don’t know how to make my inner rage go away at the dichotomy in me and this woman I hate/love; we still both feel like what we give to the other is not good enough – she wants more affection, I want more space and countelss other at-odds scenarios.

    Fair enough, my nature is my problem as you put it, and I certainly get that. But how do you solve a problem like that? How do you go about transforming/revolutionising energy? I realise a step-by-step guide is probably too much to ask for but still, some more explanation/elaboration would be nice because I think I don’t really get what you’re saying.

    However, I really DO appreciate you taking the time/energy to have a stab at my question and everyone else who joined in as well with their own thoughts/experiences/responses.

  11. I know this is personal, but for me it is helpful to see a specific scenario or scenarios. This is gonna sound cheesy, but I read something in Oprah magazine one time which actually made a lot of sense. It was called the ‘First Fight’ analysis. You go back to the very first fight/s you had with the person in question (for example your mom) and see how it relates to the fights you have now, and see about working on that original issue you had that caused the pattern of ‘angst’ in the now.

    I actually have a pretty angsty pattern with my sister, too. I think everyone has an almost unbearable connection with someone. It definitely requires hard work. Try this, though.

    Write down what you remember about the ‘first fight’ you can recall with your mother, then the recent issue/s you have. It’s good to recognize patterns and work hard to stop them before they get out of control. (I know this sounds ‘too simple’, but I also have severe anxiety attacks and phobias and this has helped me some). Nothing is perfect.

    Your Fan,
    Hannah

  12. p.s. that is to say, recognizing the triggering factors for my anxiety (or in your case anger, annoyance, etc) is key, then once recognized, you replace them with appropriate feelings and responses. As a friend of mine stated anxiety (or any other painful response/emotion is just ‘a bad habit’. Your counselor can work with you to replace these patterns, if they’re a good one.

  13. I used to have a difficult relationship with my mum too – the ‘I will not be controlled’ variety. Personally what has helped is: ‘leave the country’. Not that the intention was to flee her, but the results are quite amazing. The distance gave new perspectives on what is important or not. And yes, it still annoys me when she tries to force her priorities on me and can’t understand mine, but I understand now: that’s what we do to people alll the time. It’s her way of caring for me.

  14. Cheers to Uncle Hannah for that excellent suggestion. I’ll follow it up and see what clarity it brings.

    And Amber yes, same here…

    Thank you both.

  15. it’s so true about mothers and daughters. my sister aries has the hardest time with our mother, but they have similar energies. My mother has taurus rising, and she’s taurus moon, my mother is 12th martyr at times or maybe it’s her scorpio stellium but my sister is very similar. so true about things we hate about ourselves we see it in others who are similar. lol

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