Roughly seventy-five percent searches that bring people to this site read like this:
“How do I get an Aries to do blah, blah, blah?”
“How can I make my Gemini girlfriend stop doing blah, blah?”
It’s blatant. People wish control other people with astrology (or any other means).
Guess what I never see?
“How can Virgo stop chasing men who are no good for them?”
Most people want love. How is anyone you “get to do something” ever going to love you?
Are love and control mutually elusive?
You would think so. But I notice controlling women are the ones that are able to keep their men with them, even though they may not be happy.
i’m not saying all women with long term relationships are controling of course. But I know alot of men that aren’t very happy in their relationships but still won’t cut loose, and I notice the women are the plutonic kind.
maybe i’m just being bitter.
I want to cry. I didn’t have a clue that those were the types of questions people ask. That makes me so so sad. Is this one of those things where the blinders go down?
Similar to my recent realization of how many close women friends I have that use sex or sexuality to “get stuff” from the men in their lives? I was sickened to realize it through a series of conversations the last few weeks. Part of me is angry because I never get stuff from guys, in fact, I have trouble asking for help from most anyone, male or female. But here… darn I do wish the foggy clouds would come back.
I think that love and control are mutually exclusive. Otherwise how does someone get to express who they really are as a person if they’re always conforming to your expectations? If they’re so busy conforming then you aren’t really loving who they are. I will say that within reason you have a right to ask for things in a relationship. They have the right to give those things to you or not. And both of you have the right to stay or to go.
Elsa cmon girl! I sent you exactly the kind of question you never see!!!
I asked you how I can stop the cycle of being with bad Gemini and find a good one? And I am a Virgo!;-)))
Oh and I just realized that 80% of my friends are Gemini too…
Oh and I have Pluto in my fifth house. And I sure can smell power play a mile away. I do it sometimes too, automaticaly…
A reeealy good book I read about control is “The other side of Power” and two other accompanying books by Claude Steiner, one of the founders of transactional analysis. And you can get if for free here!: http://www.emotional-literacy.com/osp.htm
Elena, I am talking about Google searches. People write me all the time trying to improve themselves. This is an advice blog!
But the people out there in general, searching google are after one thing and one thing only. ‘How do I get this other person to do what I want them to do?”
And I am not a girl… I am a woman! 🙂
my bad…woman. 😉
I’m a firm believer in personal responsibility. No one can make you do something you don’t want to do.
That’s why I disagree with Viv up there. As an outsider, the woman may seem controlling (and heck, maybe she is), but he’s still there. And you know what? That means he wants to stay there. At least for now.
I do not believe in controlling someone in a relationship and I also have to say that if you find yourself being controlled, half the time it’s your own damn fault.
controlling people can manipulate/ change what you want to do 🙂
that’s why they are not dictators, they are more refined then that, more powerfull, hidden, alluring sometimes.
I agree that the controlled person has as much fault.
I will definitely have to read that book! I have, in the past, been very controlling. I learned it from my family and didn’t realize for a long time that there was any other way to deal with tension.
I do think that real, soulful love is impossible when either party (or both) are controlling. Because you are basically reducing the other person to an object. You are controlling in an effort to resolve the tension you feel (in whatever way that comes out: basic control, or smothering, or manipulating, whatever).
But, ironically, I also think that boundaries can improve love and relationships dramatically. So, control over yourself is good, but control over another person is not so good, I guess.
Take my relationship, for example. My sig other has ADD, so if I have no boundaries, I lose myself in his “fast” ness, when I am not always a fast person! So, I have to remind myself of the difference of saying “I don’t have ADD, so I’m going to do it THIS way” (boundaries) and “You need to do it this way” (control).
On another note, sometimes the person who, on the outside, looks like they’re being “controlled” is actually a mastermind of controllingness. You can’t always tell just by outside appearance.
I don’t think that they are. I told my mom today about Anna Karenina’s jealousy and she said something like “people are possessive.” A wish not to be cheated is a form of wanting to control your mate. Plus, in living with your lover, your idea of who they are/you want them to be can clash with who they really are. Therefore, you might want to get your Gemini girlfriend to do something or other. Power plays definitely happen in love relationships. It’s a part of the challenge of living together.
I agree with the poster above who advised not to judge a relationship from it’s outward appearance. There’s a good chance the controlee needs the structure and stability that the controller provides them! It’s a symbiotic relationship.
Mutually exclusive? … yes, by definition love controls no thing.
Control is not love. I am not at control person at all and somehow I seem to attract ‘control’ people maybe they think I’m a challenge somehow or they think I’m a pushover with my accommodating Libra rising. I am A LOT better at spotting control now,sometimes it can be so subtle it’s difficult to tell. I read something one time that said if someone is constantly making you angry, they are crossing your boundaries and I am finally after many years learning to clearly define my boundaries.
As far as symbiotic relationships go, people often do get what they really want- however, there are cases of control and actual abuse where the abused party stays out of old habit, anxiety about the outside world, having nowhere else to go, or simply being so exhausted and beaten down by the demands of the relationship they don’t think they can hack it on their own.
They do have personal responsibility for their actions. They have made a choice to stay, yes, but that doesn’t mean they have a perfectly balanced symbiotic relationship where they’re getting what they really want. It doesn’t mean they really like the abuse. They may just be too foggy to fight their way out.
Also, I don’t think control and love are mutually exclusive. Pure love is not about control, but relationships deal with flawed humans and control is a fact of life.
I don’t want to try to control anyone any more. I’m too tired. I want a relationship where we both like each other, quirks and all. I’m tired of manipulation – it’s creepy.
My ex tried to control me every way possible – all it got him was a divorce. I think the more you try to control a situation, the more likely you cause exactly what you don’t want to happen.
That had nothing to do with love – only fear.
I agree control and love are mutually exclusive. Love is forgiveness, acceptance, gratitude, serenity, joy. I don’t think you can experience these things if you are simultaneously exerting control, or being fearful of losing control.
I also think this is THE hardest aspect of being human – the need to be loved as well as the need for control. I approach it by trying to be SELF-controlled. And yet, this has its own pitfalls for me too (though less than the alternative).
Love needs to breathe. I’ve always thought it was like holding a little bird. You’ve got to be willing to hold it up to an open window to let it fly away if it chooses to. Anything else is grasping, insecure control.
Most of the power play I have been in has been from family members. When it comes to relationships, I run away from power plays for the hill! I’m sure it makes me somewhat of a flake, but I have enough issues.
I agree that power plays in love are not healthy. On the other hand, my marriage was full of power struggles. We had no desire to power over each other, other than to be heard. But power struggles were a part of the baggage we had from our backgrounds. I think as much as we want a perfect and perfectly living relationship as human beings, they are rare if non existent. Humans always carry baggage. But power plays and control in relationships (or power struggles) do not belong together in my book, nor enhance love.
Isn’t that the scorpio (Benus$ thing?