“Well congratulations, people whose relationships last longer than a month.”
This is a tweet from a gal in her twenties that showed up in feed. It made me laugh, but then I remembered being in therapy.
I had a full course of therapy (weekly for three years) in my 20’s. A therapist asked me how long my longest relationship had lasted. “Three years,” I said.
She looked surprised.
“What?” I asked.
“I’m surprised,” she said.
I guess she didn’t think I could get along with someone that long. I’m a person who likes to do well on tests, so I was glad I aced this. It was not a question I expected to asked.
I’m being judged on my ability to sustain a relationship? Well look here! No ever taught me, there was any value to maintaining a relationship or that it was some kind of goal. Matter of fact, I was taught to be self-supporting and I was. So what’s this other criteria?
I feel for the girl who wrote that tweet and people like her, because she’s got lots of company. People in my generation have taught the younger generation, virtually nothing about sustaining a relationship. We don’t tell then how it is done, or why they should bother trying..
Most of my generation has failed to sustain their relationships, so we set no example. Where is this girl, and the legions of men and women like her, supposed to find a clue around how they might buck the trend? And then we’re going to judge them?
I care about this stuff, deeply. I guess it doesn’t matter if you want to be alone anyway, but many, if not most of us, do not want to be alone. This is why I try to encourage people to be forgiving of others and to look at their own shadow, when they’re having problems in relationships.
It’s also why I created my master class – Finding Love With Astrology, which addresses all the common problems people have, and offers true solutions to each. It’s designed to take a person off a path that’s failed them and put them firmly on a path that will lead them to authentic love.
I am sick of seeing so many sad, and lonely. People have lost all sight of this: If you can form a relationship and sustain it, one of usual byproducts of that, is that over time, you build wealth and have security. Are these crazy things to want?
Did anyone teach you how and why you should love? What about commitment? I think the younger generations have been taught to love with condition. Love, if and only if….all these conditions are met.
Both my hubby and me have parents that set an example. Being married in a Catholic church we have stuck it through this far, 7 years. I don’t really like him right now. I feel lonely and put off. I retreat he retreats. Sometimes we have a break through. Sometimes we just ride the wave. I’m bracing myself for eclipse tomorrow.
Interesting that I visited the link above about self sabotage. I was reading the comments when I came across mine. Good reminder of where I was at during the spring eclipse season. Not so sure I still feel the same way about getting married. 7 year itch. My Gypsy Heart wants to travel. Other Gypsy Love Junkies are falling for me. They shower me with attention I don’t get from hubby. It’s unconventional. I don’t expect my mom to get it. It’s a generational thing. My generation came at the heels of Free Love. We are the generation to explore variety in relationships(Pluto). Hence all the gay rights stuff.
It’s something I struggle with. My upbringing vs my astrology. What I want vs what I need. We make do and another year passes. The kids get older. I feel we both are waiting it out til they leave. It’s unconventional but working for us so far.
You are absolutely correct. We have been taught to only love after conditions have been met.
My mom had me while in college, she finished her associates but never went back. And my bio-father detached and never built a relationship with me.
I was taught at a young age, that my step father loved my mother and me, and they had a good relationship. But this was his choice, just like it was my bio-father’s choice.
My mother taught me that you want this relationship before kids, or you won’t always be lucky to find someone, not everyone wants a mother with kids…
So…. I’m just paranoid all the time. Men have choice, to stay or go, to abuse or cherish, once a woman gives up her freedom to have kids…
And it just seems all the responsibility and blame lands on the mother if they don’t secure a good father /support system.
I know a young man who let his ex wife leave him and took their son, move several states away. He’s angry about this, but I get the impression that he was abusing her at the time, because he wasn’t ready to have a family and was taking it out on her by controlling how she mothered their son…. So she left, and I think he was relieved, but now he’s just angry he can’t be near his son.
Sorry, this article made me think of my relationship and this guy’s relationships…
I learned to love with condition, though I’m not sure if this was due my chart (Venus in Virgo, Venus-Saturn) or undercurrent or both. I was controlling with the first boyfriend. My parents want me to be single and focus on career… and they were always having fights over controlling each other’s behavior… and mine.
Anyways, the in-laws are Catholic and supportive whereas my parents don’t like the SO and think I should focus on career instead.
As for maintaining a relationship, I had to work out a lot of patterns. Venus aspecting Saturn-Uranus-Neptune sums up all the issues. I ran away from the SO once, because I was projecting my parents on him… We have been together 10 years and plan to marry this year.
Sorry your comment got caught in the spam filter., Just found it. 🙂
I feel like this is a major mistake and the sooner we figure it out, the better.
I agree Elsa. I wonder if parents know that those skills will come in much more handy in their children’s survival than diplomas, how important it is for their children’s happiness, emotional wellbeing.
If they realize, many of them are clueless themselves around how to address it. They feel defeated. But really, we are designed to work together. If you actually stop and think about this, it’s undeniable.
My father was a Scorpio, my mother a Sun & Asc /double Aquarius. I-m a Cappy. Tough household. Nope, nobody taught me about relationships, especially the one with the opposite sex. The lessons in that area were reduced to sexual education and I’ll kill you if you get pregnant, which hell yes, I believed them quite capable of doing. I-m now reflecting on this, as my longest romantic relationship lasted 3 yrs. And friendship, 20 yrs, til death did us part. That friend was another cappy, born on my birthday, a year before me. We was tough! He passed away at 36, but I feel the friendship is continuing, even after death. My parents were so concerned with my my liking so much boys that they practically kept captive until the age of 17, all the while they neglected to prepare me for a life that hopefuly I’d spend with a man. I still do, that was my biggest hope in life and probs still is. To find love. That love stays.
p.s. My natal Venus sits pretty yet oh-so-Retrograde in 7th House, Aquarius. I scratched love off the list a long time ago.
My first husband flipped out and tried to kill himself. My second partner died early (before 34) of cancer. My third was an alcoholic.
But my parents had a great relationship of over 50 years so I knew it was possible and I desperately wanted to be a stable, long-lasting relationship like they had.
Now, I am really quite happy with a partner I have lived with – not married – for over 25 years. He claims I taught him how to be a relationship.
If I did, I don’t really know how I did it. I think it’s a result of having found someone who fights fair, doesn’t hold a grudge, and doesn’t manipulate. I would say you can’t discount raw luck in finding someone like that.
I waited on a couple celebrating their 63rd wedding anniversary last night. They were so happy, it just really touched my heart.
Gregory Peck, married 50 years. What a life!
Elsa I have to ask this, being a clueless (and curious!) astrology newbie: what does the title of your post mean? What happens to love and relationships when Pluto is in Libra (I’m guessing you’re referring to the 1970s-early ’80s)?
Sorry, that was bad writing, lazy thinking, on my part.
Pluto (death / transformation / shadow) in Libra (love and relationship.
It’s like Pluto in Sadge and the sex scandal on the Catholic church. You have to REBUILD. You have to come up from the ashes.
We (the collective) will figure this out pretty soon, I think. We just can’t function with the government as daddy for the children (search the blog for posts).
Nobody wants to say anything bad about the single mother. Either do I! Not only was I one, they do a hell of a lot for kids then the absent father. But the women have to quit throwing daddy out like he’s trash, too.
If he’s trash, what are you doing sleeping with him?
And so on…
The fact is, two can live nearly as cheaply as one. Families have always formed and those families work with other families, since the days when families lived in caves.
Now everything thinks they can do everything alone, which is ridiculous. I would say maybe…5% of singles mothers support their kids, single-handedly with no support from others. Is this good?
We don’t even give people the option anymore to find your partner, marry them (7th house), build wealth (8th house), expand (9th)…and so forth.
There is a grand design and frankly, it’s obvious, once someone suggests something like this to you.
And no! I am not saying one-size-fits-all. I am saying – this is my claim right here – that I estimate that for 80% of us, there is a partner out there, custom made for us, with whom we could work things out, and we drive right them! Cause we’re so smart, I guess.
And I am talking about myself here. I did it. I got a second chance, you may not be so lucky.
I recall talking to a young gal, she was from a horrible background, sort of like mine. She had this man for like…8 years. He’d been with her since she was young, helped her get into college.
Get this. She didn’t know what do to. She did not have the sense that should be common, to marry this guy, though he was asking and she had NO complaint about him whatsoever. Is that not crazy?
I think it shows how insane we’ve become, and how ridiculous. This gal has no one in the world but this man..she never has. She’s thriving due to him (she told me this), but beyond that, she’s confused.
Look. It’s okay to get off the merry-go-round, okay? Just in case no one told you. 🙂
Thank you Elsa. I have to confess I was a bit more confused after reading your answer, but I read it – and the main post – a few times, trying to tie it all up, and I got it 🙂
Wow, that story about the young woman is interesting. I believe it.
And your right about “throwing people out like trash”. ;P
Yeah. Marriage was not even on her screen as an option. Give up a good msn for what? What comes next?
I’m 20, so my mom’s generation is a part of that generation who taught nothing abt relationships to their kids. And it helped me 🙂
I see my mom, lonely, with very poor skills when it comes to men (she’s always the one who suffers), and a bunch of people of her age who really dont know “how to date” then I observe her mistakes she’s done in her life AND KEEP DOING. This is how I learned “how to NOT be in a relationship”.
I’ve been dating the same guy since I was 18, we’ve been living together since February. We never spent a single day sleeping with our faces looking in opposite ways. There wasnt a single day he hasnt broght me coffee in bed. He even agreed to have a pet snake. That’s way more sucessful than any of my mom’s relationships. All together.
That’s good, betty. You’re the reason, I don’t think this is going to last. Kids rebel against their parents.
I understand the coffee thing. I have brought my husband his breakfast in bed, without fail, for eight years. I will so it for the rest of my / his life, I’m sure. It’s our way.
You’re just better off if you can get along with others. And stay away from troublemakers, especially people who try to get between you and your man!
Also, it’s going to come down to survival, eventually. Other people’s money won’t last forever.
If people here would just take 10 minutes to think about how people live when they are not American, which has been the land of plenty, they’d snap out it.
For example, my husband and I talked about moving somewhere in Central America.
“How do you think I’d get along?” I asked. He lived half his life there.
“You’ll have no problem, long as you have your own man…”
What does that tell you?
Quite a bit.
I go down there and think I’m going to nab someone’s man, I can expect to be stabbed and then some. Whatever it takes to dissuade me. And why is that?
It’s because women want their kids fed! This is why they vote they do (here)…in many cases. They’re deeply motivated, but many of them are also unconscious of this fact.
Anyway, get your man and keep your man. You have all of history to look at and the cultures around the world to guide you. Forget this little American blip! 🙂
Mom stuck with Dad for 56 years even though most people would have quit early. I’ve been married for 16 so far. Forgiveness goes a long ways.
A little humor might help today; so I shared this with friends , and preseeded my comment : My P P (post Pluto)
Relationships I would like to think someday if it’s right and we meet, I hope we recognize it.
If we already met and it didn’t last , it might sound obsessive to think they are still out there ( or that there’s still a chance for a relationship)
And , I guess if we recognize it and think of each other, as a fisherman might call it by “”the open that got away””.
And if We , or one of us, is stubborn, to say about the other ” they got their way””
The reality is , this is some imaginary description … Isn’t it?
The other day at work, a home health aide told me she knows several people, besides me, who got back together with their high school sweethearts. Now what does that tell you? She figures they ran around when they were younger, then got bored with that. ST. did. He thought I was nice, but boring, so he went in search of greener pastures. Big mistake! He ended up searching heaven and earth for me, years later. Lucky for him I was still single. 🙂
Another thing I’ve noticed is that people everywhere are hitching up. Even George Clooney! My brother’s getting married this month, so am I, sister marries next year. Every time I turn around someone else is engaged. LOL. Something’s up.
“Another thing I’ve noticed is that people everywhere are hitching up. Even George Clooney!”
Saturn in Scorpio makes people aware that death is real. I am sure they exist, but I have never met anyone who wants to die alone, and this includes people who want euthanasia (discussed here last week).
Good point. Just tonight ST told me it’s probably a good thing we’re getting married now, before Ebola really has a chance to spread here (USA).
I’m not really sure Elsa. I haven’t really seen many older couples I can look at and say “that’s love and a proper relationship based on the real thing”. Me and my Sadge discussed this a while ago, but as men, not as anything more intimate. He was worrying about turning 30 and not being married off yet. (Mediterranean, go figure), and I was giving him my thoughts that I won’t have children, or get married, and I highly doubt I’d end up in a de facto relationship or lifelong commitment. It’s just the odds. My great grandfather shot himself in the head and ruined my mothers father, who neglected his wife and children. my dad left my mum before I was born, she spent my whole life with a string of loser men who were there to just make her feel higher than thou, and I’m almost 25 now and I’ve never gone on more than one or two dates or one night stands with someone. And I’m in “love” with a Sadge who is probably gonna get married and knock up some idiot girl once his Saturn Return happens in 2015/2016. Yeah, WE HAVE NO CLUE AT ALL
though to give myself some credit, I am a Taurus through and through despite my overwhelmingly crammed Pisces. I think I’ve got better things to do in life than just love hahaha
I have seen a good number of good relationships in my life. For example the women in my women’s club, were on average, 25-30 years older than I am. All of them and I mean *all* of them had married in their twenties and either were still married, or they had been married when they’re husband died. There lives were also different from what is usual today, in that they, on average, had six kids, some had ten kids and most of them were from families that has 8-10 kids.
This was true of my grandfather as well, he was from a family with nine children. So people were very into families – they were devoted to their families and now they are devoted to…I don’t know what. Pleasure for themselves? Because you do have to sacrifice to have a family. When you have a bunch of kids, you are not the center of the world, that’s for sure.
Anyway, people are so hard on each other. No one can meet anyone’s standard for long. Obviously, these men and women who kept their marriages and families together, for decades, had a different mindset.
Elsa, you hit it when you said devotion. Marriage requires devotion! To the family, to your spouse. It has to be the most important thing. But today there are just so many options. When my husband divorced me he said it was because we no longer shared the same values. Meaning I valued the family and home and he valued individuality, freedom, and himself. There is no answer to that, and the courts don’t back up families by splitting things 50/50.
You do have to admit that many of those families who stayed together did so despite abuse because they had no other options they could see though. The fact that they aged and survived sometimes means they just choose to ‘forget’ that.
I’ve been teaching mine that if you put conditions on love, then that’s not really love (but a reflection of you and your own self).
As for myself, what I was ‘taught’ vs my own experience (from these same teachers) was from opposite sides of the same coin,
I got some super jacked up messages about marriage. Bot of my parents have been married five times each. For a long time I thought that marriage was not doable. I internalized that and it became “I am not capable of marriage.” That me to a consult from Elsa I realized the absurdity of that. I’m a libra with moon sextile venus! I still haven’t found what I’m looking for but now I know it’s not because of that silly notion. So I guess it was actually the flip side of what you said in your post. I never felt like they couldn’t live up to my expectations. I felt like I could never live up to theirs. And in some cases I was right. But it was me feeding off of their need for perfection, not mine. I’ve said many times that I could probably be married to anyone as long as they didn’t abuse me. Now that’s probably an exaggeration but not a big one.