Who Winds Up Loved Or Lonely?

Magdalen of Night LightMany people feel they will never partner successfully.  In a study published in Current Directions in Psychological Science, researchers studied some of the ways loneliness is bad for your health. From the press release:

“…However, when the psychologists looked at the lives of the middle-aged and old people in their study, they found that although the lonely ones reported the same number of stressful life events, they identified more sources of chronic stress and recalled more childhood adversity. Moreover, they differed in how they perceived their life experiences. Even when faced with similar challenges, the lonelier people appeared more helpless and threatened. And ironically, they were less apt to actively seek help when they are stressed out. Hawkley and Cacioppo then took urine samples from both the lonely and the more contented volunteers, and found that the lonely ones had more of the hormone epinephrine flowing in their bodies. 

Epinephrine is one of the body’s “fight or flight” chemicals, and high levels indicate that lonely people go through life in a heightened state of arousal. As with blood pressure, this physiological toll likely becomes more apparent with aging. Since the body’s stress hormones are intricately involved in fighting inflammation and infection, it appears that loneliness contributes to the wear and tear of aging through this pathway as well…”

If lonely people have a heightened “fight or flight” response, then we’re talking about commitment-phobics (of which I am one). I wonder if Venus Saturn aspects in a chart might indicate a lack of “fight or flight” when it comes to relationship.

This falls in line with something I was realized when pondering the fact I tend to keep friends long term.The relationships remain in tact simply because both parties stay in them. Both parties opt to work things out rather than bolt when things get dicey.

This idea also supports the theory that Venus Saturn types wind up looking pretty good in the end, where as people who have the chance, the ability and propensity to churn through a lot of relationships, wind up lonely in the end.

What do you think?

Do you have Venus aspecting Saturn in your chart? – Check out, Finding Your True Love & Soulmate. It will help!


Who Winds Up Loved Or Lonely? — 71 Comments

  1. My Venus is in Aries…How about I want to be committed but I have standards which must be met by my partner in order for me to stay? However, I’m more than willing to fight to keep the relationship until, in most cases, it looks like I’m shadowboxing and they’ve already left the room. Then I’ll go.

  2. Hmmm. I’ve been thinking of my lack of commitment. I have jupiter trining saturn and yet saturn squaring uranus. So when I do commit I’m happy but then eventually rebel. 😛 If my rebel side can be fed though – given it’s day in the sun – then I can probably resume the commitment. But I suppose this doesn’t look like commitment. And yet it’s as much commitment as I can do with my temperment and chart.

  3. Took awhile but I finally resolved the conundrum of having Venus in Sagittarius trine Saturn and Uranus in my 7th House. It is like I have to give myself permission to be independent if only in the way I perceive myself. With Moon sextile Saturn, I’m emotionally very stable too.

    And, yes, I was commitment phobic for years . . . choose the worst possible potential partners, sabotaging relationships right & left!! =grin=

  4. I dunno Elsa… I’m a super Venus Saturn person (conjunct, plus Cappy moon squaring Saturn), and I’m also a lifelong suffered of social anxiety (the fight or flight response). I’ve always chalked the anxiety up to Saturn, to that sense of social restriction I have. My longterm relationships are stable, but few, and I always have a hard time opening myself up to new people. Consequently, I do feel lonely a lot of the time.

  5. Stephanie – I don’t know either. Your experience is surely valid and I have Libra so could argue either way. But considering how many people suffer from loneliness (especially the aged), I started to think along these lines and after a few days sitting on this, still thought it had merit so I threw it up.

    I am in no way sure that thinking is correct or valid around the astrology but I do know that people who won’t or can’t stay in relationship end up alone. Not just partnerships but relationship in general.

    And I think I might have been one of them – I was headed in this direction when I was younger and just sort of like the topic, I guess! Thanks for posting. 🙂

  6. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. Lack of connection with one’s self, their past, their motivations, being untrue to one’s self = lonely. Enduring situations one shouldn’t endure can make loneliness.

    As far as Saturn-Venus looking good in the end .. let me check with the wife of the Scorpio with these two conjunct who got me entangled with him over the last year .. see what she thinks. lol.

    Yes he’d always bring up he was ‘lonely’. And it was inferred it was the wife’s fault – all relating was apparently a woman’s duty / responsibility. He had no backbone or balls to deal with the situation, felt like a helpless, hapless victim, and was then ironically going to try to play me like I was a moron – use me like toilet paper to wipe his ass.

    Venus-Saturn – karmic repercussions for relationships or connected to relating decisions?

    One can hope so…..

  7. I have Venus square Uranus and I share that experience of being someone who isn’t good at sticking it out in relationships and ending up with few lasting connections. However, my recent Saturn return in Leo has helped me gain more interest and ability in being responsible in romantic relationship, at least…

    I should add, though, that I have Pluto in the 11th house and my experience with friends is textbook-accurate — specifically, good close friends suddenly disappearing, never to be heard from again, and seemingly through no falling-out experience. Seems like a reinforcement of the Venus/Uranus square, perhaps…

  8. I have Venus/Uranus/Pluto conjunct. I’ve had a LOT of people pass in and out of my life; my friends and social situations seem to change each year. Nothing ever stays the same. It’s easy for me to lose touch with people or have them disappear (Pluto).

    I don’t feel lonely because I LIKE being alone–and all the change doesn’t bother me. I have an admittedly small group of family and friends, and I prefer it that way. I don’t need to have a lot of acquaintances. To me, party-party-partying with people you hardly know might be fun, but it’s also lonely…

  9. i agree Daeshii, got to have standards in relationships. Stephanie – i’m super venus-saturn too (opposed, w/ cappy moon square saturn) and i feel the way you do a lot of the time. I like to have lots of friendships long term, i’m rarely the one to end any of them, but even then i still feel lonely sometimes. it’s wierd when you surround yourself with people, pets, stuff, work and still get lonely. haha…i guess in the end you have to be your own friend first 🙂

  10. I have venus in capricon trine saturn in the 7th. I don’t think it gets much more venus-saturn then that! BUT, i’m a uranian person, and my relationships last 2 months on average.
    Now saturn is transiting my 7th house and I finally waking up to the possibility of staying in a relationship and working through it. Let’s see how it goes.

  11. “Standards” in relationships — that’s a constructive way to understand it. Also true, since I’m very picky with whom I let get close to me.

    And yes, lonely but rarely alone. As if most people don’t get me. My husband and my mom both think I’m a misanthrope. Kinda true.

  12. I agree w/Chris in that lonliness is largely a state of mind. As one can be feel very lonely with someone else or feel very connected when physically alone. Also, it appears that the study only shows that lonely feelings and stress are somehow related, not that lonliness causes stress. (Although even w/o the scientific backing, it seems like a reasonable theory to me.)

    But to answer the original question, I don’t see that those who go through a lot of relationships *necessarily* end up lonely. Some people just have abundant charts in the relationships department. They’re so full of love to give.

    One friend of mine has Jupiter ruling his 5th conj Mars in a loose grande trine involving Venus and Neptune. Women seem to just fall out of the sky for him. Interestingly, he also has one very close (lifelong) platonic female friend and all the men I’ve talked to who know him speak highly of him. Another example I can think of, Venus square Neptune and moon – women just love him, so much so that most of his male friends can’t help but to be a little jealous. I can’t imagine him ever wanting for female companionship and he also has close childhood friends. Anyways, I could go on and on but I think longevity in relationships is not necessarily a Venus-Saturn thing.

  13. Yup, you do have to be your own friend first. I was a very lonely person with a lot of people who loved me in my life before I discovered that.
    I have Venus/Saturn/Neptune as a grand fire trine in my chart, and I do have the opportunity to ‘churn through’ a lot of relationships. I can’t help but meet a lot of people, must be the work I do and the fact that I have a lot of activities.
    If I don’t get enough time alone I can get downright owly.

    Elsa, my Libra Dad has told me that the first ten years of his marriage all he wanted to do was take off. According to him, most failed marriages nowadays are because people simply aren’t willing to put up with such emotional turmoil, and most people would have left by then.

  14. i have venus (in capricorn) square saturn in my natal chart and believe me, i understand the flight-or-fight syndrome. i tend to kick people to the curb very quickly. any advice on how to deal would be greatly appreciated!

  15. I understand 100% of this entire loneliness thing. I was born with Venus[in the 5th] Square Saturn[in the 8th] I felt very lonely as a child, and didn’t socialize very mch. Tere were moments when I felt like a complete otsider. Like no one really understood me. I tend to attract men who are never around! My ex- husband was in the military, and was deployed alot. My last relationship[the father of my new baby] is a truck driver who is always on the road!

    • I have Venus square Saturn too I attract men who are not there emotionally, physically they are there, but they usually have an alcohol problem or on medication. So they aren’t really mentally emotionally in it.

  16. I wouldn’t call a toxic long-term relationship a successful partnership although the people involved would decide that for themselves of course. I have relatives who have been married almost fifty years. They regularly show total disrespect and disgust towards each other in public, yet are unlikely to ever separate. Sometimes they seem friendlier and more affectionate. Maybe the mutual cruelty gets them both off. To each their own.

  17. I really REALLY am trying to work on this. I was VERY commitment phobic while simultaneously thinking I was a very committed. My last relationship of seven years has been my greatest teacher (we’re divorced now) and I think only because my daughter came into the picture.

    I would do anything to try to give her the best possible life – which means swallowing my pride, working hard through any fear, angst and anger that comes through in relation to her Dad to get along. I tried like a maniac but I just had so much inside of me that wanted to destroy what I built. Unfortunately, so much damage has already been done I don’t know if we can build anything more than a friendship moving forward. BUT a friendship is still awesome and very important… I’ll take it.

    I finally committed to where I live… it’s been almost a month now since I made a decision? I have lived here for almost six years, already. (committed… but not?) I keep a journal and write in it every time I think I want to leave and why… then I explore those feelings. It’s so enlightening.

    I’m a great big committed committment phobe! I’m loyal to the bone and i’ll try my darndnest but I’ve just got so much sjfkjhgkajh to work through.

    I’ve got Venus (Leo 1st) square Saturn (Scorpio 4th) with high hopes to not be alone in the future!

  18. So if there’s increased epinephrine, there’s increased cortisol. Greeeeat. Cortisol leads to so many problems in the body, if you google it. Among the first things it leads to increased weight, which definitely would tend to isolate people and make them even more lonely. I am one of those people who has a disaster of a chart when it comes to long term relationships: Uranus square Moon in 7th; Saturn square Sun, ruler of 5th. Neptune in the 7th. I would love to be partnered now that I have had my fill of disaster relationships, but have not attracted a single man in the last 10 years, probably because I am not putting out any of the right signals. Can’t seem to find the switch for the right signals. Sigh.

    • I have the same but my sun square Uranus. It’s tough and I feel your pain! I’ve not had one satisfactory relationship in my life and am now 45.

  19. Shan – we sound so similiar!

    I don’t know about this. I think you can feel very lonely partnered, so what changes? When do you get the benefits of not having this stress response? Alone? Not alone but with someone you feel supported by and deeply connect with? Or just a person who is there and there is a lot of unresolved issues/tension/etc, I don’t know that that would be any less stressful. But this is my work right now to find out!

    • You make some really good points, I wonder about that also & prefer being alone & at peace over in company that is stressful. I also wonder about people who live alone yet have meaning through friendships, pets, hobbies, jobs & such.

  20. What about Scorpios & loneliness & also people who need a combination of solitude & companionship? I live alone since my daughter went off to college. I love deeply yet am a complex person who suffered various types of abuse during childhood & adolescence. This took it’s toll on my self-esteem & my ability to trust. I do not have a lot of friends yet treasure the friendships I do have. All that said, I am coming to terms with the likelihood at the age of 52 I just do not have what it takes to partner and that this is likely to take its toll. This is sad but it is true for some of us. It helps to make peace with it.

  21. I’d look for other factors as well — hard uranus/moon or sun aspects strike me as feeding into flight/fight; taurus moon might be someone who stays vs aquarius moon…

  22. Other people are far more likely to stress me out and make me miserable than to support me and make me happy. There’s a lot more of the former than the latter. I tend to associate other people with stress in general. I don’t want to reach out for help because frequently drama comes along with it. For example: you really need help with something, but the only person available is someone who’s not very good at it, or gets easily stressed out and yells a lot, or will rip you a new asshole before deigning to help you. I also have people begging me for help all damn day at work and it is usually not fun or making me feel good that I helped–I leave empty every day and get more drained with every person.

    So yeah, I’m avoidant of other humans.

    I have V/S and no fight or flight because I hate fighting (and it really doesn’t do any good) and I absolutely cannot leave. I don’t think that’s great either though.

  23. Well, I don’t know. Is a person living with an abusive spouse in better physical and emotional health than someone who can’t find anyone? Edith Bunker died before Archie.

    • Being single is better than being in a bad relationship.

      Because at least being single you’re one step ahead. The person in a bad relationship has to disentangle themselves from the relationship before they can even have the problems that singletons have.

  24. That’s just TV of course, but I always thought unhappily partnered people had the most health risks, the unhappily single next and the happily partnered the healthiest of all three.

    • I think you’re right. I knew an old lady in her 90s who decided when she was younger it was smarter not to get ever get married, because she had seen how marriage could be- she stuck to her decision and instead of putting all her time and attention into maintaining a relationship, she put it into her art and writing. She said she did not regret. That was the healthiest elderly person I’ve ever met. Not one health problem.

      And I think we’ve all seen a person fall apart physically- come down with high blood pressure, cancer, you name it because of dealing with an unhealthy relationship too long.

      The thing is, most of the time Sun you enter a relationship, you’re taking a gamble and once you’re in, it’s not always easy to get out.

  25. I think also when you’re so intuitive you kind of end up alone all the time because you know things would not work with so many people.

    • I agree, Nina. But as much as I can relate to everything you said in your earlier post about feeling you don’t have what it takes to partner successfully, I really believe some people are just luckier in love than others period. As for those who might say to you, “Well, I know love worked out for ME because I did this right and that right” they need to believe that because in their world it did work out for them even if makes them come across as smug snowflakes. The truth is you can do all the work in the world on yourself and still wind up alone. I have.

  26. Not everyone travels the same path in life or experiences the same romantic abundance and to automatically think the strategy that worked for you in love is the panacea for someone else with a different destiny and personality is, to me, short-sighted. I say it’s easier to commit when you have more desirable options to begin with.

    • Agreed. But also, many people have too high of expectations to begin with, and refuse to really give anyone a chance- they want to be in love, but they’re just in love with the idea of love and can never love a person. Other people who are perpetually single, have some kind of fear and some sabotage opportunities and, yeah, a few are just unlucky.

      • PI, for sure people do sabotage their relationships or chances to get into them. Then again, some very self-destructive and unstable-ish people still seem to do pretty well for themselves in the love department or attract another desirable partner fairly quickly after a wrong move with someone else. Partnered doesn’t mean balanced any more than unpartnered means unbalanced although it can in certain cases.

      • Subconsciously my whole adult life I never expected full ‘love’ or understanding, so I settled from the get go because I didn’t know/experience or understand real love & companionship much less genuine desire. It didn’t occur to me I was selling myself short so to speak. But that’s what I did. Unintentionally. Then what happens when I’m 38? I fall in love – like they say, the poets & dreamers & Nick Cage’s character from moonstruck (YouTube that scene!). I get it now. One visceral memory is simply walking down a hall & looking at him & he at me – the all encompassing feeling of being fully engaged, I knew myself like I never had, possibilities, optimism! I actually cried just looking at him from afar. & he said once to me ‘I don’t know if it’s ‘in love’, it is more than that, beyond love’ & he looked at me with his amazing green eyes & said: ‘it sucks’. Lol. Truer words & all that, & I can’t imagine a more honest declaration. But it was star crossed. My point being – if you’ve tasted being ‘in love’ it’s hard to settle for less. However- what is interesting to note for those hunters of love: I met him because I was living in many ways outside my comfort zone & how I wouldn’t generally choose to live …but if I had my way my circumstances would not have allowed me to meet him. And isn’t that generally the truth in the classic stories: it’s where we least expect or outside the routine. So, put yourself where you’d least expect to find yourself & see what happens!

  27. I’ve always been on my own. When I was young, I was desperate to be in a relationship but now it doesn’t bother me to be on my own. I’ve learned to fill my time. I would love to have someone but as I’ve grown and accrued understanding, I really think that I’d have to meet someone who is exceptional. I’m realistic enough to know that person probably doesn’t exist and I accept that.

    What I do notice is that when I’ve been “in love” with someone I cut them slack. They may annoy or frustrate me but I always want them in my life. That same person, once I’ve fallen out of love is just annoying and has no attraction.

    So I think this is the underlying problem for me. I can’t convince myself to just date someone long enough to find out whether I will fall in love with them.

    They’ve really got to add something special to my life for me to want to spend time with them. That’s probably jupiter in 7H. But I’ve learned and grown so much over the years that I don’t feel there’s much more to learn from others. What I do get the inkling is that I now have to find someone whom I can teach if I’m ever to have a decent relationship.

    • BlueMagoo, you couldn’t have put it any better. If a person doesn’t add immensely to your life and make it a lot better than it otherwise would be, why bother? And if your gut tells you NOPE about a nice person who just doesn’t move you, I don’t think that means oh dear, you need to look at why you’re so resistant to love, date him or her anyway.It means hard past experience has taught you to trust your instincts. I know what I need for something to feel worth it to me and if not finding it means dying alone, well, I’ve lived alone long enough to not be all that phased by the thought anymore. Time will tell.

  28. Like many people, I will put up with MUCH more from someone I’m attracted to from day one than I ever will from someone who doesn’t appeal to me. The desire to continue having sex with someone you also get along really well with is far more compelling motivation to work through problems and stick around than “But he’s such a nice person…” It’s about sustained lust.

    • Lol. Exactly! If you’ve no desire or feel too old (in your mind) for desire then go ahead & ‘settle’. But otherwise the difference between a friendship or marriage/intimacy is one thing:sex. Better marry someone you enjoy sex with & can foresee being open about your sexual nature & desires with & that you can weather those storms with. Seriously, if not – just have friends then. Get pets. Whatever. Sex is paramount in a marriage – it’s what distinguishes it from other types of relationships.

  29. ‘’Being shut out from your family is worse than smoking’’, my specialist said when he looked at my stats. Because of it my organs are in constant fight or flight mode. I would love to partner! No VE-SA contacts here. Just a lousy family! I feel a little hurt that anyone would say I am not likely to partner because my family has shut me out and I feel lonely because of it.

    • gemster, the way I see it, HAVING your family in your life could make you less likely to partner if you consider that relatives have been known to meddle in relationships they don’t approve of and try to break them up. I’ve had nothing to do with my own family for ten years and no one knows the future. A virtue signalling woman I used to know prided herself on her ability to stay in very toxic relationships because in her mind she had what it took to stay the course and others didn’t. She was an alcoholic and a smoker. And full of shit Pillar of strength my ass. She wasn’t too strong to leave, she was afraid to leave. Big difference.

      • @ScottishFoldSoul,

        I haven’t talked to my family since I was 25, barring a few of my siblings. But everybody else, I haven’t conversed with in years. I’m 34 now.

        I hate to admit, but part of my relationship problems is my mistrust of people. No wonder I became a hermit. But maybe in one year I will start socializing and going out again. It will be 10 years next years since I moved out and stopped conversing with my family.

        • Understand, anonymousehermit. Sometimes the only thing you feel you can trust about others is that they can’t be trusted. Or only with certain things in certain ways at certain times, like alternate Thursdays. The mental recordkeeping alone is exhausting…

      • I agree. I didn’t always believe that but I wanted to. The thing that helped was realizing I wasn’t special enough for the universe to single me out for misery. Who am I to say that love isn’t out there for me?

        • Never say never, I agree. But that’s a separate issue from a day-to-day struggle to find enough non-painful moments in the day to not constantly crave being unconscious so you don’t have to feel anything. Those bad days comes in some big, big batches lately.

          • I’ve been where you are Scottish and even further down. And you’re right. It’s a complete psychic change that has happened to me. The day to day struggle is what has actually been affected the most. But I had to go through everything I went through to get here.

  30. I have been unpartnered for most of my adult life. (85%, I calculated it once!) But everything has changed since I moved in with my sister and her daughter. I find that it’s like having a partner: we look out for each other and we don’t fight because we know each other’s idiosyncrasies. There are very few obligations or expectations. I’m loving it! I think this may be the partnership that I’ve wanted all along. My sun is in Aquarius, with Moon conjunct Uranus in Scorpio. I’m not a fan of commitment. But I have a lot less day-to-day anxiety now that we’re living together.

  31. Reading these comments in between excursions to the laundry room has made my chores fun. Also I think it is very healthy to have many different opinions here.

    Maybe I can think of something of value to add later.

  32. Yes, reading all this experiences is very interesting. I don’t know what to think. I’m an Aquarius Venus opposition saturn person , but I’m also Venus -Uranus person (square). Are those aspects canceling each other out? Also moon conjunct Uranus, conjunct Ac. Let’s just say I’m single most of my life. Some of that time I’ve been lonely, some of it I was just fine. i’m an introvert who doesn’t like crowd and superficial friendships. But I’m not a fight or flight person, I always want to work things out, if I feel relationship is worth saving. My friendships are all long lasting, including my best friend for more then 30 years.

  33. “If lonely people have a heightened “fight or flight” response, then we’re talking about commitment-phobics (of which I am one). I wonder if Venus Saturn aspects in a chart might indicate a lack of “fight or flight” when it comes to relationship.”

    The third option is “freeze.” I can’t fight or run in any situation, I just…stop and hide.

  34. Yes I have become so aware of social isolation & how that can contribute to feeling alone. This can affect overall quality of life. I am working hard on finding & building a social support network.

  35. i have Venus R in aries in my 11th house along with Mercury in pisces, & sun in aries. i now realize that i will never partner successfully bc i expect too much from a partner & he cant live up to that, so therefore, i feel this person with these qualities, loyalty, honesty, faithfulness to me when hes not with me & respect when he is around me, i will never meet this person. Other times i feel as if i can feel my partner when i watch a movie i love but there is no way to get to this person & whose to say this person will let me in? i am happily single, celibate & disease free & very thankful to Jesus Christ for it

  36. Okay I am SUPER INTRIGUED with the subject of being shut-out from one’s family. I shut-out my family over 8 years ago and am better mentally, emotionally, and physically for it. Needed to happen. I would love further conversation about this subject as I don’t know many other people who have been shut out by their family or vice versa. Could this be seen in one’s chart? Hmmmm…

  37. I have both (Saturn & Uranus) attached to different things having to do with relationships/Venus. Sometimes I get lonely. I feel a lot like Ben in one of your posts, in that you explained that he’s a Scorpio with that one person, his mom. Me too. The trust is fully there. But when she is not here, it’s hard for me to feel like I could find another person who could be trusted in that level. We’ve been through a lot together.

    It’s interesting that you might think the “fight or flight” might cause the loneliness instead of the loneliness increasing the fight or flight feeling (of vulnerability).

    Maybe it might be a little of both. Uranus might be the jitteriness of being pent in. Saturn might be involved with the fear of rejection (so you reject others or you reject yourself prematurely).

    People are saying it’s an epidemic. Maybe our “standards” are so high for company that we end up judging others for any difference they have compared to us. We want people to think exactly like us, maybe. So we don’t get uncomfortable, or rejected or feel the pressure to change our minds to fit in. Maybe it’s that we have been rejected before and so lose hope that anyone will be accepting if we reveal ourselves.

    Betrayal happens, when everyone is scared and not in line with their hearts. So the loneliness sets in.

  38. Tell me about it. I am a Scorpio sun with Capricorn rising, saturn conjunct moon in aqua 1st house,sun square saturn, Venus sextile saturn, it’s like epitome of Saturn with sun/Pluto in 10th house. My life is one huge saturn return. Elsa could you please help me….

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