Losing Friends & Lovers

Confidences RenoirI wrote this for a client…

“…As you get older, you see the only people who matter are those who stick with you. Think back to grade school friends. No matter how important they were are the time, they are of no importance at all, today.

This is even true of friends you become separated from. GOOD friends. Friends you spent years and years with. Traveled with. Shared things with. However it happens, if they let go of you or you of them, it’s a matter of time before you realize they’re really gone….and it doesn’t matter.  They are no longer in your life…”

People choose to interact with you and maintain a relationship…or not. If they opt out, they become lost-in-space or lost in the graveyard of people you’ve known who have come and gone.

It’s not that common to be able to put a relationship back together after a significant separation, but it does happen.

Do you have regrets in this realm? Are there people you wished you’d have held on to? Or are you pretty much satisfied with how things are today?

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Losing Friends & Lovers — 53 Comments

  1. While there are friends that I miss, I’m old enough to see that it’s probably for the best for everyone. When it comes to the ones that I have had problems with, I’m going to say that I don’t have regrets. The friends I have left now have the highest character and the least amount of personality issues. Uranus has been transiting my 11th house during the recent square to Pluto and friends are gone now for various reasons. Some I had to get rid of because they were energy vampires, and one got rid of me.

    I do miss my roommate from college but she is a teacher and mother and doesn’t have time for me. Also one of my Leo friends from high school is just too busy with work and kids. I love them and it’s great to see both of them out in public.

  2. It’s not that common to be able to put a relationship back together after a significant separation, but it does happen.

    I find people a little strange in this regard. They really can’t seem to handle reconnecting with someone.

    Do you have regrets in this realm? Are there people you wished you’d have held on to? Or are you pretty much satisfied with how things are today?

    I am unsure on this.

    max
    [‘Satisfied is not the word.’]

  3. Elsa, it’s amazing how you tuch things! I cannot imagine how anyone can be mad on you because of that what you say. For me your words are of great value. Thank you again.

  4. I have an 11th House Sagittarius Saturn. I have always had a small group of slightly older, true-blue friends. I found a new “tribe” of friends when Tr Saturn entered my ninth House after Tr Saturn (and my divorce) demolished my seventh and eighth Houses.

  5. While Saturn was going through my 12th house in Scorpio, two friends I was once very close to left my life. We had just had incompatible energy on a deep level and ultimately we brought out the worst in each other despite the warmth and mutual regard that was also there. Glad I had them and glad they’re now gone.

  6. I don’t experience this at all. In fact, I experience the opposite. I seem to always connect with someone and then we part (for whatever reason, often for years) and then we come back together. I’ve likened it to my chart being heavily Earth, with strong Saturn but everything squaring Neptune. If there is a connection made, it’s there, period, regardless of physical distance and then life seems to bring us back together. I’ve had this happen so many times I’ve lost count.

  7. It doesn’t get easier, it becomes manageable. I’ve lost some very significant relationships in the past few years that I have yet to replace. Though because of it, I have a deeper awareness and appreciation for connections when they are “right.” I’ve got so many more things in my life to accomplish, and I value solid supports to be with me through the good and the bad. I offer the same in return. I can handle separation with dignity now if something does not work out; I can’t say it doesn’t still sting. I have Saturn in my fourth house, there will always be a deep emotional bond to those I have let in; and because of that, I’m open to reconnect if growth has taken place.

    • “As you get older, you see the only people who matter are those who stick with you”

      This is very astute. You matter only if you are still by my side. I have to continually remind myself of this. It will fortify me in darker times.

      • That really is a fact. If someone’s gone with the wind, they’re gone with the wind. You have to look around; see who’s willing to stick by you.

        • I have had some hard times over the last year. I can count on one hand who has stood by me and by one hand I still don’t mean 5 people.

          The good news is, I stopped giving time and money to the ones that disappeared. In fact, I’m gone. And, for good. It hurt so much …..to realize that they were just not going to be supportive at all. Really hurt. But, it served a purpose. I am no longer listening to whining, I can focus on trying to heal, I am no longer killing myself helping out.

          I don’t know why I didn’t see it. I must have been a total idiot. And, its probably the last time I will ever be hurt this way in my lifetime.

          The loss was great….but necessary. I am actually okay now. Not sitting around hurting over it although I did cry. But you know, Scorpio will finally be done with this stuff and I usually don’t let it happen again. I lived through it.

          A couple of friends I didn’t expect to be so supportive actually were. There were and are available if I need them. All I have to do is call. They come running. One Cancer, and one Pisces. Both female friends.

          My Pisces husband has stood tall above and beyond what I expected. He is a blessing.

          So yes I understand gone with the wind. Problem is, they will be back. I wont allow it.

          • Soup, I am so sorry you have been used & hurt by cruel, non-reciprocals. Your poignancy is palpable.

            All I can say is – Saturn, baby. Work your Saturn like a boss. Strong, unwavering, immovable boundaries against the takers/parasites/Qi vampires.

            You got this! Sending big, cyber love.

            • Just as I suspected – they are back lol….I see them clearly now though 🙂 and surprisingly I am no longer hurting over this. What a difference a year (less than) makes. They will never have that part of me I gave freely again. I am still a little sick…but, moving though it will more strength! Working that Saturn 😉 (thank you)

        • The Uranus-Pluto squares (aka The Great Fracturing, Grand Cardinal Crosses, Zap Zone) of 2012-2015 demolished many a relationship. The flimsy-faux-faltering got pulverized; the real & strong got more real & stronger.

          I’ve grown to trust the exceptional instincts of Uncle Pluto. Fight against the energies, try to grasp at that which is leaving, & you can be sure Pluto will obliterate your “reality”. Better to release, trust the processes.

          Tr Pluto has been in my 8th H sqring my Moon, for ages it seems. Have experienced some exquisitely painful, soul-stomping “delusion” checks.

          But I would not return to my former consciousness, even if it were possible.

  8. I’m good. The relationships I’m in with people are fine. I don’t ask them to be my savior.

    I am overall comfortable with the comings and goings. I think we all understand that about each other. Life sometimes takes you in another direction and my tried and trues and I share the understanding we want the best for each other.

  9. there’s a good way to keep relationships over time. pick up the phone from time to time, drop a line, send a funny card. it works. people have too many demands and get pulled in different directions by the big life changes, but I’ve found that usually people like it when you check in, remember their birthday, say hello, say something to encourage their dreams, etc. be a good listener.

  10. My graveyard is full of past people and I do not regret them. Some have moved on from me and others have been cut loose due to things they did that really bothered me.
    As Pluto is transiting my 12th, I am more of a hermit than ever.

  11. I’ve noticed the ones that stick around are rarely the ones I think will stick around. And they’re usually the ones that I don’t particularly like either. They’re usually the ones that challenge me on a really deep level and cause discomfort. But hey, growth is uncomfortable.

  12. Not long after a highly toxic former friend unleashed a torrent of drunken rage at me, I realized hearing a high-functioning alcoholic berate you for making the wrong choices in life is pretty amusing. Goodbye and good luck, sweetheart.

  13. Yes, some people have left me. But many more have stayed. You can’t be for all demographics, you will lose fans if you evolve as an artist, and I like to look at all human beings as artists.

    Your first few albums were poppy and fun, then you experimented with your sound, and now you sound edgier and stronger. Some people will not be pleased with the stronger, sharper, you. We all change and grow, just like all singers and bands, change and grow. If they can’t handle it, tough. 🙂

    • This is super interesting. But what if you’re married? What if you’re too remain bonded to someone?

      I’m not challenging you. It’s just an interesting angle. Because if you applied this to all interactions, virtually no one would celebrate their 50th (Golden) anniversary. So this is a big ol’ can of worms.

      • Because if you applied this to all interactions, virtually no one would celebrate their 50th (Golden) anniversary.

        Yes. Although virtually no one does. (It seems like centenarians – you hear about them but there are damn few of them.)

        I can’t say if it’s because people aren’t dedicated enough, or they just get tired, or they do change or they can’t give in or what, exactly.

        max
        [‘Begs the question of what true love is.’]

        • It’s actually common in the older set – generations ahead of mine. For example, every woman in my Woman’s Club had been married since they were young and never divorced. They were well off because of this, for the most part. I mean, some of them had dead husbands and were lonely.

          But yeah. Marriage until death due we part has become very rare. Catholic (who you would see at mass / practicing) still do it but outside of that, I know very few couples married 10+ years and planning to stick it out. In real life, this is.

          I do know some though, and I also have married (seriously) clients. It’s just a different way to live – a choice you make.

          If it is all about you, then when you’re not happy or feel you’ve outgrown someone, you leave them…high and dry in some cases.

          Then some day it might happen to you. At that point you look at the VERY MARRIED couples and think, what if?

          • I think Chris Rock said it best- “Married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.”

              • I wouldn’t say it’s true for all people but it’s definitely true for me and others I know. I think there are happy aspects of singlehood and happy aspects of marriage. But any relationship between two people or being solo causes some misery at some point. If you’re lucky it’s only a small percentage of the time and is far outweighed by the good.

          • They were well off because of this, for the most part. I mean, some of them had dead husbands and were lonely.

            My great-grandparents, actually, whom I knew. (I am in a weird place generationally – young enough to very definitely not be a boomer either in the economic or social circumstances, old enough to know the Lost Generation in their old age, and the Silents at the height of their powers.)

            Marriage until death due we part has become very rare. Catholic (who you would see at mass / practicing) still do it but outside of that, I know very few couples married 10+ years and planning to stick it out. In real life, this is.

            Oh, absolutely. Its interesting that people outside the upper class just don’t get married but in the upper class they get married very late and tend to stay that way. It suggests that its the money/resources that matter and if one or the other hits hard times, the partnership breaks down.

            Then some day it might happen to you. At that point you look at the VERY MARRIED couples and think, what if?

            Quite. But listening to the ladies discuss the guys for several decades now, it’s pretty striking how much everyone is looking for the exact fit for the other shaped hole and everyone else is just… disposable. (Not a pro-male argument here – given the way (young) men tend to talk.) I believe the terms the pundits use is atomization.

            max
            [‘About that true love thing…’]

      • “But what if you’re married? What if you’re too remain bonded to someone?”

        You’re asking if what if you’re (me) too bonded to someone? Just clarifying.

          • You’re right, that does open a whole new can of worms! Like we can’t always pick who we fall in love with. Love happens, or it doesn’t. Makes a person wonder if love is ‘destined’ in some ways.

            Life is too complex to have any theory be perfect, I guess.

            • Sometimes when you make the decision to leave, it’s because the other person has made it all about him or her to the long-term detriment of the leaver. It’s too easy to paint the partner who’s had enough as the bad guy although very convenient for the left who is now playing forlorn victim.

              • Yeah, ComfortableDarkness.

                The person that’s left behind usually is toxic already. If not toxic, then selfish, or some other thing. I’ve seen them play victim. Haha.

      • @Elsa,
        I thought about it even deeper. Could it also be that the person choosing to stay with their spouse, would also be abandoned by friends that don’t agree with them staying with their husband/wife?

        • It could be anything. A person can opt out of relationship for anything, large or small.

          I’m not sure my remark was understood. I am talking about this:

          “Your first few albums were poppy and fun, then you experimented with your sound, and now you sound edgier and stronger. Some people will not be pleased with the stronger, sharper, you. We all change and grow, just like all singers and bands, change and grow. If they can’t handle it, tough”

          I think that’s astute observation. My remark was in regard to people who are married…they must grow in tandem. They must stay connected (in my world). They must grow together…they are committing to this when they marry.

          It’s really 180 degrees from what you’re saying.

          My point was, the scenario you outline is very real but it does not apply to all. I thought pointing this out might add to the conversation. 🙂

  14. I’ve had to let a ‘friend’ go I stayed connected for the (projected) potential (I’ve got Venus square Neptune * sigh *) and tolerated the misfit and reality that it wasn’t going to be like I imagined. Reality I now obvious so I can no longer fool myself. Sad the ‘illusion’ never became real. My Neptune is in Scorpio so painfully deep accepting this friendship won’t work. Ties in with today’s Saturn direct. Sad but illuminating.

  15. I can connect with some friends. They will remain loyal to me. There are many friends who have gone their way, still they remember me. Friends have been part of my life. I have attended weddings of friends who cared for me. There are friends who have gone places. I have respect for them.

  16. Yes, very much so. All of them with their Sun in Gemini and all of them my best friends at the time. As an Aquarius Sun with both Moon and Mars in Gemini in the 12th house the losses have seemed inevitable, but also like losing parts of myself. Big losses. Ofcourse i did not loose myself, but no one ever got me or i never got no one like those Gemini Suns.

  17. My best friend of 1almost 20 years. We met in elementary school and we inseparable. I busted her almost every other weekend at college. I helped her move colleges when she transferred. I helped her find her first job. When she got into a grad program in NYC, I helped drive back and forth from her home to Manhattan and helped her move in a 7 floor walk up in the east village. We spent every weekend together. Then one day, she stopped answering my calls, texts, IM. She never spoke a word to me again and I’ve never seen her again. That was 10 years ago. I’m sorry, but people are shit. She was like a sister to me. We were family. And she ghosted me after 20 years before anyone knew that ghosting was even a thing.

    • I’m sorry that happened to you, that sounds cold, and even selfish, in my eyes. She could have at least wrote a simple letter as to why she was going to leave you. And it doesn’t even have to be a long letter.

      I’ll admit one thing though, I’m biased. It could be I’m missing pieces of puzzles in your story. But I don’t care. It has happened to me twice, and it makes me feel bad to see it happen to someone, like you. Like I said, I’M BIASED.

      I honestly hope either she calls you back one day, or karma comes and teaches her a venomous/harsh lesson.

    • StarF:Then one day, she stopped answering my calls, texts, IM. She never spoke a word to me again and I’ve never seen her again.

      Wow. That sucks. I sorry she dropped you like that.

      And she ghosted me after 20 years before anyone knew that ghosting was even a thing.

      Speaking as the person who invented the term (yes! I will claim the credit! I know exactly when and where I created the term! 🙂 ), ghosting was referring to people (ME!) working overnight in closed businesses – i.e. a ghost, partly visible in the darkness – and then disappearing at sunrise.

      I’d say she amputated you, although I don’t think that’s quite the right term either. Sounds more like she just skipped (as in ‘owed you money and left town’) on you.

      max
      [‘That’s pretty rough. She didn’t die, right?’]

      • If she didn’t die, then your role/purpose (for her) had ended. She had gotten everything from you that she wanted.

        Cut your losses, count your blessings. What I would not do is second-guess all those years, i.e., what was real, what wasn’t real. It was real for you. That’s all that matters.

        Oh yes, & bad Karma. She will have it come a knockin’, probably already has.

  18. Someone who I thought was a good friend of mine deserted me during a panic attack. I asked if I could crash at her house because I was afraid to be alone, was in her car at the time. Her husband was dead silent and she said flatly “We don’t have the room.” I’d been to their home many times before. I ghosted her hard. A year later she sent me a birthday card, I returned it and telling the friendship ended the night she made that decision. No regrets and happy she’s gone.

  19. To be clear, this was not some kind of one-sided friendship where it was all problems all the time coming from me. This former friend spoke to me about many things she was going through and I did all I could to be helpful.

  20. I’m learning to accept that most of the people who were once in my life are gone. Family, friends, acquaintances. Saturn passing through my 12th house has made me painfully aware of this.

    After quitting Facebook last winter it became abundantly clear to me that most people do not give a shit about my life. It has also become crystal-clear to me that contemporary Christianity and I have divorced. I can’t connect to contemporary Christian music or culture AT ALL. I never did. So now the friends I made in that sphere are gone with the wind, unless I count those who had other things in common.

    • I relate so much @blue_rose. I left social media in the winter as well and very few people who “loved” me “so hard” have even kept in contact. ? And I finally divorced the religion I was part of (at least a year long experience) and with it, the people who attended with me. Both were painful but liberating experiences. However, it has shown me who is meaningful in my life. And what really matters. Sometimes we have to burn away the superfluous to see what was permanent and nurture that. I hope things get better for you ❤️

  21. I’m satisfied. A little twinge of nostalgia from time to time otherwise generally happier for the shakedown.

  22. So funny to be reading this. I journaled about this last night when some stuff came up for air. I don’t regret much except for this one person who’s been a thorn in my side for a long time. They were a good friend but they also unintentionally magnetized a lot of my insecurities to the surface. I was pretty much a jerk and expected/projected too much and when said person didn’t deliver as quickly as I wanted, I was too eager to burn bridges as a message. They didn’t deserve that but I’m hotheaded (Mars conjunct Moon). And I *should* apologize but that damned 4 planet stellium progression into Leo is too proud and way too stubborn to do so. ?

    Ugh. Whatever. They probably haven’t even thought of me in eons (rightfully!!) so the apology would *only* be for me to be humble and make peace. But is it better to let sleeping dogs lie? That’s usually my mantra but… ? Transit Venus conjunct Uranus is hitting my midheaven this week. We’ll see.

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