Loonsounds Astro-Humor: How Get Rid Of The Ex Who Is After Your Lover

loon Loonsounds writes:
Much as we might like to think so, our spouse may not be the best one to be counted on to keep the ‘still interested’ or newly ‘re-interested’ ex-spouse away. Truth be told, some of the time it is going to be up to you. Here is a guide for the best and most efficient way to get rid of the Other/Woman/Man according to the Venus energy of that ‘other’ person…

If they have Venus in Libra Usually, all you have to do is threaten to tell their spouse what they are up to and that will nip it in the bud right away. In the very highly unlikely event that they are actually between relationships, then send them your wedding video and photos by overnight mail. Also, send them a lot of pictures with your spouse where his/her wedding ring is very prominently displayed. Also, send them heaps of photos of the two of you looking all happy, shiny and beautiful along with copies of the pre-nup which says you get everything including all the assets and kids in the event that your spouse should ever leave you. In other words, make them understand how unlikely it is your spouse will leave you for them, and, count on it, they will move on before you can say boo hiss! Venus in Libra doesn’t want some kind of damn fling!


If they have Venus in Scorpio
Ouch. I feel for you. Venus in Aries is bad ass, but Venus in Scorpio has the far greater potential to act out some of the moves from “Fatal Attraction.” Whereas Venus in Aries (subconsciously) loves a challenge just for the shear game of it, Venus in Scorpio is not out for mere amusement and challenge. Venus in Aries can surrender after awhile, Venus in Scorpio will never surrender. Now, I can give you some tips, but remember. Go up against Scorpio at your own risk. Disclaimer over, here are a few ideas. Stage a funeral for your allegedly deceased spouse (hire actors), invite the ex, hand him/her a (fake) obituary. When the ex jumps into the grave/ on top of the coffin in their grief, jump right in there yourself and duke it out. Last but not least, you might want to launch a contract to have the ex killed (or do the deed yourself). However, please find a way to spend a couple of weeks in jail first, just to make sure that your spouse is worth losing your freedom over.

If they have Venus in Sagittarius Ask them if they love their pet(s) as much as they love your spouse, and when they say “what the fuck?” just get big eyes and look all innocent. Another idea is to tell them that you spouse has been diagnosed with a terminal illness (but privately doesn’t want anyone to know). Admit that he/she has been given six months to a year to live, and a time of grueling agonizing decline which will require a full time caretaker. See how they run!!! (Important, do not try this with Venus in Virgo, as they will be on your front porch with soup, fuzzy slippers, blankets and baskets full of bath oil in 2 seconds). Write them e-mail everyday explaining your spouses latest jealous episodes, and ask them to teach you how to put up with it. Appeal to the moral high ground, and note that your spouse is now seeing a shrink for his/her new and very real phobia…fear of flying. Ask them to teach you how to accept it.

If they have Venus in Capricorn Make a public website about them, and blog everyday about how they are trying to chase down and steal your spouse. Also, find them frequently, in person, and make a lot of scenes. Throw drinks in their face when they are at lunch or at happy hour with their office colleagues. Go to their place of employments and raise hell with all manner of accusations and general noisiness. Call their boss and complain about their cheating ways, send around a lot of videos referring to them as stalkers, philanderers and extortionists. If you can get hold of any of their love letters to your spouse, avoid your instinct to burn them pronto and instead publish them on your website about them as evidence of their creepiness and neediness. Make fliers with their face and the words sleazy two timing lazy cheater written underneath and post them on all the phone polls they pass throughout their day (choose the most unattractive photo you can find).

If they have Venus in Aquarius You may communicate with these people directly in a logical and friendly way, and, over time, develop a friendship with them. After a while they will feel way too guilty to continue to try to talk to your spouse. They are probably not a totally huge risk anyway, and they probably never were. Easily bored, and highly friendship/ humanitarian oriented, once you have befriended the Venus in Aquarius ‘other’ they are probably not going to try to pursue your spouse (their ex) ever again. Not even in in any form of detached friendship, which is more than likely the only thing they were interested in maintaining with your spouse (their ex) anyway. Tell them you met your spouse at Habitat for Humanity but that now he/she is trying forcefully to convert you to his/her religion. Ask them how they handled that with their ex.

If they have Venus in Pisces Either way you look at it, these people are going to drift in and out of your spouses life for as long as they (and/or) your spouse are alive so, get used to it. Once Venus in Pisces really loves anybody, they will always love that person. And with their porous boundaries and slippery outer coatings, the more you try to grab hold of them and pin them down with demands for promises, the more they float and drift right out of your hands. It’s like trying to grab air, which is interesting given that they are a water sign. The best thing to know is that when they come around, they probably won’t stay long, and it is usually mostly because they need something. Slip them a stack of cash, a couple gallons of Jack Daniels, and a big ol’ bag of superbly high quality reefer. The sooner they get it, the sooner they drift off to some other ex, quite possibly spending a few months (or years) in jail along the way.

If they have Venus in Aries Do not directly call them, moreover, never never ever write them with threats. Don’t text them, don’t send them e-mail, don’t threaten them in any way shape or form and never never say “I dare you.” No matter what they do. Also, don’t force your partner to call or write to “‘telling them to stay away.” Why not? Because, not only will not work, it will also backfire. Venus in Aries loves nothing more than a challenge. Highly competative in all matters of romance (and even downright combative if antagonized), this approach is the wrong approach, but go ahead and try it if you must! But don’t say you were not warned! Engage these people (or have your spouse engage them) only if you never want them to go away, ever, ever. As far as what you can do, well, you can pray, you can keep your mouth zipped shut. That’s about it, but it will probably work eventually.

If they have Venus in Taurus Take your spouse and move far, far away from these people. They are earthy and their needs are earthy (read, sexual), so no touchy, no feely, no secret rendezvous, no hanky panky of the physical variety, then Venus in Taurus will soon lose interest all together. Write them saying your spouse (their ex) had some kind of spiritual conversion experience which lead him/her to ‘give up’ all forms of ‘alternative’ sexuality such as oral sex, woman on top, or any position other than missionary. Alternatively, introduce them to new hot sexy available artistic people who have reputations for being extremely sensual and excellent in bed. Venus in Taurus will always remain obsessed with the last person who rocked their world in bed. Make it such that the last person to do that was someone other than your spouse.

If they have Venus in Gemini Bet them 50 thousand dollars that they cannot steal your spouse away from you (important, do NOT try this with Sagittarius). If you are extremely confident about your marriage, invite them to join you and your spouse on the Jerry Springer show. Alternatively, block your spouses phones and e-mail so that the ‘other’ can’t easily contact him/her. This will work well with Venus in Gemini because they have the attention span of a hummingbird. But please please please don’t try this with Venus in Aries or Scorpio as they will only see it as a challenge to either just downright defy you, or to do some spy work which makes them thrive. Don’t worry about it too much anyway, because Venus in Gemini is probably simultaneously working on 2 or 3 of their other ex’s while also being married, at least for the second time.

If they have Venus in Cancer Call their mother sounding like a ranting and vague person, but also sounding ‘sort of’ scary. Appeal to him/her to consider your spouses “feelings” and “confusion.” Talk about your children A LOT, and send videos of your spouse happily playing with your kids. If more is necessary, make comments about their children and/or parents; comments which might be perceived as bizarrely threatening (but not necessarily so). Or say: “I wonder what child protective services would think about someone who keeps after another person’s spouse?” Also, egg and toilet paper their home and vehicle, and egg their car (inside and outside, if you can), and let the air out of all the tires every time you hear anything about them trying to communicate with your spouse. Warn her/him to stay away from your spouse “or else” (but don’t try this with any of the fixed signs or Aries).

If they have Venus in Leo These folks love love, and love being in love. They are certainly capable of continuing to love your spouse long after the break up, but they usually have such a long waiting list of others who want them that they are not the biggest offenders of trying to stay in touch with ex’s. Nonetheless, if you encounter one that does, brace yourself against these charismatics!. Be that as it may, there are some things you can try, but there is no guarantees. But hits to their pride and respectability are really your only best hope. See if you can find some letters in your spouse’s handwriting where he/she is putting them down or making fun of them. E-mail won’t work, it is the handwriting that will work, er…might work. Send them a copy of a sexually descriptive love letter that their ex wrote to their sister (or brother) while they were still together. If all else fails, befriend them, put some tranquilizers in their drinks, and then shave their head while they are asleep.

If they have Venus in Virgo Say “Hey, you want my spouse, then you can have him/her!” Then write them everyday and tell them the latest thing your spouse did to make a big mess in the house, car, yard, etc. Also, get in touch with them every couple of months and ask if you can borrow money to bail your spouse out of jail. Forward all of your spouses unpaid parking tickets to them and take pictures of the inside of your spouses ridiculously messy car and send those too. Mess with a picture of your spouse in paint shop pro, making them look entirely obese, ancient, bald, disheveled, and like a homeless person who has hopelessly ‘let themselves go’. Send the picture to the ‘other’ with a typed note from your spouse saying they are interested in getting back together. Forbid him/her to see your spouse (don’t try this with Aquarius or Aries), and warn him/her of the (vague) dangers of doing so (do not try this with Scorpio or Aries). Call him/her an ‘uncouth-kinky-whore’ (don’t bother trying this with Taurus, they will only take it as a compliment).

Thanks Loonsounds!

Want to write something for the Elsa blog? Let me know…


Comments

Loonsounds Astro-Humor: How Get Rid Of The Ex Who Is After Your Lover — 25 Comments

  1. Heart dear…there is nothing educational about this particular blog. It is HUMOR.

    Please do not try these things at home!!! I am totally only kidding!

  2. I get that loonsounds, “astro humor” was my first clue” but being me… I find education in everything…including your remark 🙂

  3. Oh cool, finding education in everything!!!

    I relate cuz I don’t think I will ever get over how much I loved going to school. I still dream about it several times a week.

    Whether I am giving the exam or taking it…..

  4. Ha ha Loonsounds, now we need a menu about “How to get rid of our ex” in case they are after us 🙂 you know some people only wait until we find a new lover to show up again – I think they smell it…

  5. Hey Conny, I did that exact column and it is published somewhere on this blog. Maybe Elsa can link it or maybe all my humor pieces are categorized on the blog. I know she has some kind of thing that categorizes stuff so you can find it. I think it’s on the right side of the screen maybe.

  6. Ok, I wanted to find a way to deny this, but as a Venus in Aries, you were spot on. Almost any reaction to me would encourage me to throw on an extra dose of courting. Ignoring me works best. LOL because I will get bored.

    This needs to be an article on some news homepage. People need to know this!

  7. Loonsouds I can’t imagine loving school. I LOVE learning but definitely self taught knowledge. I am SO anti public school.

  8. Loon- thanks for the well written entertainment.

    venus pisces says you mean I’m supposed to remember the name of my ex? 😉 I’m not sure he really existed. (insert tongue in cheek)

  9. loon- i enjoy your humor pieces. thanks! i was also flattered that my venus in scorp finallly got me some respect, damnit.

  10. VERY FUNNY Goddess, Mudlike, and Satori!!!!!!!

    And thanks to Elsa for splaining where all my shit went/is…..;-)!

  11. Very interesting. The stalker who wouldn’t leave me alone for years (he: venus in aries, taurus sun) is exactly as Loonsounds noted. I’m Venus in libra, scorpio sun – fits me too.

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