Can You Overcome An Abusive Childhood?

toy train When a parent abuses a child, it’s as if he or she sets them on a track like a train.  If that train does not work to jump that track, that’s it. It will run on that track for an entire lifetime.  Like this…

Your dad tells you that you’re ugly and worthless. You think you’re ugly and worthless. You continue to think it and have it impact you, on and on and on for the rest of your life.

I was pissed off when I realized this. There was no way I was going to let an abusive parent own my life in that way so I jumped the track. It was a choice!

Also, it’s one thing to jump the track and go your own way – the way of your choosing. That’s good, but there’s more to do. To totally recover and thrive in your life, you have to figure out what you were truly designed to do, before someone decided to interfere and subvert you on your natural path for their selfish agenda.  This is not the easiest thing to do!

I’am talking about the difference between doing what you want to do, your own way, as opposed to excavating what you were truly meant to do.

  • In one case, the train jumps the track, breathes a sigh of relief and runs off where it pleases.
  • In the other case, the train jumps the track, breathes a sigh of relief and then takes the time to try to understand what they truly designed for, from a universal perspective

I exercised that first option… and then I exercised the next.

I considered how my life was meant to unfold, and how it  might have unfolded, had someone not chosen to stick their foot in my path, thwart me and have me fall flat on my face. Working on this has changed my life from good to great.

I’ve also come to loathe anyone who disrupts or hijacks the life a child. I think it’s one of the worst things a person could ever do as the negative effects radiate out and touch many.

As an example, I was meant to marry my husband when we met as teenagers. When someone decided to get in there and derail my life, it impacted my life and his and so on an on.  Many people were affected.

Some don’t believe what goes around, comes around. They don’t believe in comeuppance of any kind. If you’re jacking up a kid’s life at this time, you better hope you’re right. Because it’s no small crime, that’s for sure.

Were you taken off track by an abusive parent? Where are you in your recovery?


Can You Overcome An Abusive Childhood? — 88 Comments

  1. I agree with you. I had an abusive grandmother who lived with us and workaholic parents(both Capricorns). They thought they had my grandmother under control. Then they could work as long as they wanted with no consequence. For what ever reason that nobody has figured out my Grandmother had at least one grand child of each of her children’s children she could not stand (I was that child). At first it was not to bad but the longer they were gone the worse it got. I thought they knew and condoned what was going on they in truth had no idea. I have since come to terms with the fact that my parents didn’t have a clue, and that my grandmother grew up in a time where that type of treatment of children was encouraged why she took a dislike to me who knows don’t care anymore. Life is to short to worry about what happened what matters is what is before me and what I must accomplish before I leave this Earth plane.

  2. Dad had bi-polar disorder and had been abused himself. I wouldn’t call my experience abuse so much as being deathly afraid of the man when he would lose control. Being raised by someone like that definitely affected me because at the time I thought I was doing something wrong or that I was bad or defective. Understanding his condition in later years helped a lot. He was a good man but he wrestled with his own childhood trauma. My brothers were affected, too. I feel like they took out their frustrations of that time on me. It kind of rolls downhill, ha ha. Eldest bro is still an overbearing dick at times.

  3. Yes. I think the past few years I’ve tried to do point #1, doing what I want, but lately I’ve discovered how hollow that feels and now I would like to work on point #2, and do what I was actually meant for.

  4. Can’t condone abuse but sometimes it can hold the seeds of destiny if a person can be the flower that grows out of the cow patty. I have a friend who works at a ministry helping abused women. Her tragic past helps her have empathy for the ladies there. It is what a person does with the negative experience that puts them on the map.

      • I agree wholeheartedly, Elsa! Just sayin’ that a person should try their best to use their experience for good instead of letting it destroy the rest of their life. I have read that people come to Earth to experience certain things. I always had trouble swallowing the idea that people would come here to be abused. I mean, did the holocaust victims really ask for that? No, I agree with you.

        • It’s the difference between saying, “I’ll always be screwed-up because of what happened to me” or saying, “I survived that so I can survive anything.” Take strength from being a survivor. Energy is neutral until directed.

          • I LOVE this quote from Jen Sincero “its not your fault you are f***** up. Its your fault if you STAY f***** up…”

          • Taking strength from being a survivor is absolutely a triumph. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always mean an improved ability to feel joy. Progress in functioning doesn’t always seem to pay off much emotionally. And it’s hard.

      • That’s the point, it’s not that easy to ride off into the ultimate it’s all good sunset. It’s messy and the silver lining maybe very subtle.

  5. What is interesting is also what the parents unconsciously send along. I had for some years a voice inside me, saying ‘You might be brilliant, but you’ll never be able to use it’. There’s no doubt that that voice has been carried on from more than one generation in my father’s family, where so many have given promising artistic careers up. but it wasnt until the voice emerged out of the unconscious, that I could begin to fight it, it took so much out of me, now, when the voice once in a while says hallo, I laugh a little with it and carry on…

  6. it’s a good article. I get what GTO is saying. Some fathers (and mothers) wrestle with their own demons, or in the bible, (jacob wrestling with the angel or god)
    they are not terrible people, if they are always trying, and i always believe, when you love someone so deep as family — you are connected and feel their pain. You carry the sins of the father so to speak, until you wash away their tears with your own suffering. It’s a long hard road, but if there is no forgiveness, there is no love left.

  7. I am specifically talking about people who have their life hijacked by a person with a evil, selfish intent. They knowingly CHOOSE to interrupt what’s been put in place…and wreak much havoc not only in the moment, but down the line.

    For example, you can get t-boned in a car and become paralyzed. Accident!

    Or you can be snatched from your bedroom and held captive as a sex slave for a number of years, by someone who wants to do that to you – not an accident!

  8. I’ve got Mars transiting my 3rd house, and I’ve been studying like crazy too. Insanely studying. All about the financial crisis and what’s going on with the world economy. It has led me to some pretty horrifying stuff about the powers that be and the degree of manipulation and control. It has also led me to understand balance and how we create our own reality in our own worlds by choosing what we focus on.

  9. Wow, Elsa. This post could have been written with me in mind.
    I’m trying to figure out who I would have been absent all the abuse and “you can’t do anything” programming that came from my family of origin. Like, what’s innate, and what was put there deliberately by others in order to keep me doing as they wanted. I didn’t jump the track, out of fear, which is something I deeply regret now.
    And trying to find my own destiny… is it to help others, or something else entirely?
    Totally agree with you — anyone who deliberately screws up a kid’s life, for whatever reason, is doing something abominable with long-reaching consequences.
    One last thing I wanted to say; usually, those elderly people in nursing homes whose adult children don’t visit often, or don’t want anything to do with them, had something to do with that outcome. We’re all mostly socialized to look after our parents when they get old and it is damned difficult to limit contact with a parent despite how toxic they may have been or still may be.

    • I come from very critical parents, who in turn came from SUPER CRITICAL (from what I’ve been told) fathers. I have the “you suck” voice going on loud and clear almost all of the time, and it really didn’t/doesn’t help when people at school, or people at work, start chiming in. It’s incredibly hard to believe otherwise when I feel like there’s so much reinforcement going on (oh, excuse me, “helpful criticism” that I didn’t ask for). Sometimes it seems like the only way I can think not-awfully of myself is to get away from all the other humans telling me how terrible and inadequate they think I am.

  10. Had it… Sexually and mentally. And those people are so fucked up its not even funny. Yes it did hijack my life for a long time then Saturn crossed the 12th and ascendent when it was in Virgo and libra and I cleaned that out my psyche, being and energy I even cleared out friends and the ex Virgo too who were use to that victim me but couldn’t handle the changing of tracks where I’m in charge. And as for those adults they don’t hold any power in my life either and they can’t handle that either. Not my problem… They need to deal with their own crap.

  11. What you wrote in your post was amazing! It helps to be reminded now again of how important deliberate consciousness is, and how possible. Not blindly living life but looking for your intuitive (dare I say spiritual) path. Thank you Elsa!

    If there was ever a time to let go and move on from the past, I’d say it is now during the cardinal grand cross, as difficult as it may be.

  12. Where am I in my recovery? Sometimes I feel like I’m regressing. Like yesterday when my good friend played a guilt trip on me for not speaking with my abusive mother for 6 years. When I tell people I have a physically, emotionally and verbally abusive, bi-polar mentally ill, alcoholic, prescription drug-addicted, narcissistic, suicidal, vengeful, bitter mother, I often get, “but she’s your mother, you have to forgive her, no one should remain angry and distant with their mother.”

    So what if it were my father (who was also abusive with me) or an abusive husband? Would these people say the same thing? “Go back to your abusive husband, like a dutiful wife should.” I don’t play the ‘dutiful daughter,’ haven’t spoken with my mother in 6 years, and I get criticized by society for not being forgiving and loving.

    I have no problem ‘forgiving’ my mother, after all, she was likely molested by her father and she has a handicapped daughter to care for (my sister). And I’ve definitely learned to be stronger and self-reliant because of the abuse, I believe. But do I want to have a relationship with my mother and let her continue to abuse me and contaminate me with her psychosis? Nope. I need to find my true purpose in life without her toxic influence.

    So from now on, I realize it would be easier to just lie to people who don’t know my story (except for you all in cyberworld). I hate lying, but this is how I’ve regressed due to my abusive childhood. If acquaintances or coworkers ask about my mother, I’m going to say “she died in car accident. Drunk driver. No, SHE was the drunk driver. Likely suicide.” Then instead of criticizing and judging me, people will feel sorry for me. Ugh, I hate lying and being manipulative like that, but that’s what it has come to, I’m afraid.

    • One can forgive someone without necessarily letting that someone back into your own life. I think of “forgiveness” as letting go of the feelings towards that person or those people, in order not to become bitter, and to move on.

      My own feeling about narcissists is that they do not change but that we have a choice as to whether we want to engage with them and if so, how much. Children don’t really have that choice if one or both of their parents is a narcissist (my father was a particularly destructive one) but it helps to become aware of the dynamics and resolve to live life differently as an adult.

  13. wow!!! yes my childhood made me get out and do just what I want. (aries ascendant with saturn in the 1st)
    thank you so much for pointing out it’s about time to find out what I am ment to do. I see your post as a personal gift via the cardinal grand cross. much appriciated . thank you elsa for your wisdom and pointing the way ( towards north node I assume?! :))

    • Very interesting article and questions. Thanks Elsa.
      As leogirl has already queried, where in an natal chart might someone find any insight as to where the purpose lies? Is it North Node? Is it even possible to tell from a chart?

      • ” Is it even possible to tell from a chart?”

        I don’t know. It’s a lot more complicated then the north node though, that’s for sure.

        My N node is in Leo conjunct Uranus – I write a creative astrology blog. Does that mean I am done? Is that it?

        No way. I don’t buy it.

        • ‘My N node is in Leo conjunct Uranus – I write a creative astrology blog. Does that mean I am done? Is that it?’

          I’m not well versed enough in astrology to say one way or another – so I have no attachment to whether it is something like the N Node or anything else.

          But I did want to say that you do way more, way, way deep down more, than write a creative astrology blog 🙂

  14. thanks elsa, very nice writing.

    I was abused pretty significantly and not taken care of very well. I think what you said here has been helpful. Thinking of this makes me want to go write in my journal and see what I come up with.

  15. I agree totally with the post and I especially admire the point about “thinking through what a person was really designed for.” It’s so true. People can rebel (for some good reasons) but then spend their lives in a reactive mode, which they mistake for freedom.

    The only thing is, hardly anyone is aware of purposefully “disrupting or hijacking a kid’s life.” They think they’re acting the way they are for good reasons. Or, they’re just not aware of what they’re doing.

    My father went to his grave in denial of the negative impact he’d had. (He also had good impact.) My mother as well. Self-awareness is everyone’s challenge, but some meet it better than others.

    • I have met people who are truly not capable of self awareness. Often with them things just don’t end well. Thinking how your regaining your power at that point not helpful

  16. Ah, who we are truly meant to be..that is a very deep question. I think it can take a lifetime. Those severely abused may not get a lifetime if they are too damaged. My siblings and I had such a bad experience that we rarely tell others. It is a story that is hard to believe and would make a very scary movie. But we have all worked on healing ourselves for years. Though I think having someone in the family who refuses to go through that process slows it down for everyone else. I turn towards quieting my mind, learning to recognize when memories have triggered a downward spiral of thoughts. Aspects of “who I was meant to be” emerge. I can see threads of those things in my family too. We are artists, musicians, engineers, teachers, lovers of nature and animals, lovers of languages and other cultures. There is so much.

    • You remind me of an old friend. May he rest in peace. He always said, ‘I can’t stand people who don’t work their process.’ And why would they when they can blame and take it out on someone or everyone else.

  17. what a necessary post Elsa… thank you, catches exactly where I’m now,what I’m trying hard to do.this way is not for everyone, so I speak only for myself but your words resonate deeply,in spite of the wide gap between my personality and what I can perceive(maybe wrongly) about yours.
    I’ve come to a point where the pain I feel inside due to early traumas, not fully acknowledged yet,is no longer sustainable.I’m glad that I can talk about this after overcoming major crises in my life.I don’t believe in absolute ranges of abuse-related damages.Astrology is helping me to accept that our personal reality is unique.There’ll never be a “right” way to make someone understand why you’re dealing after decades with painful issues which are not related to straightforward physical or sexual abuse, or,let’s say, why someone else, who actually experienced that very kind of abuse, has recovered and managed to build a life of his own,feeling satisfied enough and keeping at bay ancient emotions or self-destructive point here is to accept ( faith) that the universe wants us to share and create bonds within these differences,letting a different energy flow in the present.because present is the only point where we can choose something differently,even if can take so long to see that we have a choice.our eyes may be blinded by deep forces,connected with survival, which are still felt as vital,so what I recommend to myself is to respect my pace while chasing the big picture(mercury opp.jupiter, jup.conj. uranus, pluto, south node, opp.sun).the certainty of a larger meaning for anything I live is something deeply rooted inside of me and is unfolding every minute, while I learn to discipline my mind and overwhelming(since overwhelmed very soon) emotional system.I could never follow a different path,I’m “draconic”(north node at aries point)!

      • I’ve had Pluto transit my 12th house (Sagittarius 1995- Jan. 2008). I have an empty 6th house. I didn’t feel it acutely until it was conjunct the first of four personal planets very close together and finally exited by crossing my ascendant which is 29.40 Sag. The transformational experiences I had at that time could fill a book. I am not who I was when the transit started. It took me a couple of years to get my bearings after it cleared my ascendant but I am more now than I ever was and I am stronger than I ever was… I have “become” and I am still “becoming”… I have been set on a path, through no choice of my own, because this path is to fulfill whatever life purpose I am here for–I feel this in my bones and very being. My mother doesn’t even know me anymore. Friends fell away, things that I once thought were paramount are no longer important. My entire perspective of life has become larger than myself or my own needs, wants, or thoughts. You will find this true for yourself at the end of your own 12th house transit Elsa. Once the dust clears from the Pluto transit I think life becomes crystal clear and the spirit has the strength of titanium. I wouldn’t trade that experience now for anything. I also had solar arc Pluto conjunct my MC during that transit. Talk about tough! Shew that SA Pluto conjunct MC “ain’t no joke”. I am more now than I ever thought I could be—I am now in a place to be grateful for that once in a lifetime transit. Hang in there it will get better and it will get easier.

        • “My mother doesn’t even know me anymore. Friends fell away, things that I once thought were paramount are no longer important. My entire perspective of life has become larger than myself or my own needs, wants, or thoughts. You will find this true for yourself at the end of your own 12th house transit Elsa. Once the dust clears from the Pluto transit I think life becomes crystal clear and the spirit has the strength of titanium.”

          Roughly half-way through this transit, this seems to be the situation. But I’m pretty sure I will maintain this blog throughout the transit, so I will be seen / tracked – sort of.

          Awhile back, I committed to 25 years on this blog. That will take me to 2026, which will see Pluto solidly in my 1st house.

  18. This post reminds me of the very first question I wanted your angle on, which I’ve never gotten answered. *smiles* It keeps getting pushed onto the back burner.

    The answer to the question you asked, though? I jumped the track and did fuck-all, then put myself back on that track, and now I’m trying to find the second way off of it, the one that will give me a deeper, wider meaning.

  19. Thought-provoking and evocative post, Elsa. Mars transits my 9th House too and I relate to the education that comes from the months in Libra … slow and synced with Saturn plowing through Scorpio the lessons are deep. Abuse and ancestral legacy are, for me, life time lessons. Perhaps, the lesson is familial, where all my people have lessons to learn. I agree with you, when you say ‘jacking a child’ is far-reaching and karmic. With the added effect of Pluto in Capricorn for another 20+ years I accept that the lessons are layered. In my culture “Pluto” is Pele, goddess of fire, creator of earth, deep explosions and on-going birth and dead. With that kind of mythology at my base nature I can relate to the lessons I need to learn, and incorporate. That’s the thing: to know something is different than to live it. That second bit is the second option you describe when talking about getting off the original abuse train.

    The North Node, in my experience, is a key flashing light for me: keep heading this way, I appreciate the sign. I head that way and life and my evolving nature create more. It’s magic in the best of stories, and even if no one recognizes me when the story is over? Well, I’m writing the myth and discovering myself in the process. One of my favorite Saturn-figures and teacher suggests ‘living the myth and unlocking the metaphor(s)’ I take that to heart and re-birth the abused child once, twice, how ever many times it takes.

  20. I wasnt abused but my mom was abused by my dad. I had to watch the abuse since I was little (like 5 yrs old) I had to fight my dad so he wouldnt hurt my mom. That led to many injuries. I am a scorpio with mars in cancer (typical). I am OK now but still am overly protective. I just cannot chill I am always scared something bad is gonna happen. I am just scared. I wish I could protect all my loved ones. That is all I want

  21. I had a psychopath Scorpio grandmother (think Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest), a cancer father in the wrong kind of water (alcohol), and a pisces mother who didn’t protect us or herself. It got to the point where my not so grandmother SUED my mother. That’s when I got involved; and had to bury her. Literally. To make sure she wasn’t going to hurt my mother anymore. I got a stroke out of it though.

  22. With age there is wisdom…. realms open that couldn’t have in earlier years. With abuse, I believe everything that happens is for reasons we are not meant to understand but deal with. Still, as negative as a thing as that, we have the power to rise from it, learn from it, and to make choices in life that will not allow it to continue. We discourage this behavior in society yet there will always be a percentage of the population that will defy the goodness of humanity. Poor Karmic choices.

  23. Not sure intent to harm is worse than unbelievable stupidity. Managing a child to avoid inconvenience for the parent can be criminal as well and in some ways worse. To be poked and prodded and criticized within an inch of your life “because I want the best for my child” (not “for you”, never “for you” because “you” don’t exist) is cruel and takes a lifetime to recover from. Because there’s no one to hate.

  24. I was molested as a child. Father. It put me on a path to balance myself out by seeking highs outside of me. But it’s never enough. I was still always scared. Now I go where I never wanted to go, inward. I meditate. I’m getting better. But I had to get over my fear of facing my feelings. There was a lot of sadness. But I’m not scared anymore. It was 10x scary not looking. But I jumped tracks. I know I have a soul, a heart. I know I can build from the ground up, it I find my ground. Give what I find value. Instead of seeking it in others. I give myself value. Because lets face it, that’s apart of being a healthy human.

  25. It seems to be the difference between dealing with your circumstances as they are, accepting limitations and working with them, as opposed to really being launched with complete freedom and support for whatever you really are.

    I agree that people who abuse children or damage them this way should burn in hell. No forgiveness.

  26. Well Elsa, for some reason, perhaps the current astrology, I have been having flash backs. I have done a lot of work around the childhood abuse that I suffered, but I have accepted that I will live with PTSD. I cannot be in crowds,(without an anxiety attack) I cannot have someone come up behind me (without an exaggerated startle response), these are realities that I live with. I have accepted it. I avoid crowded areas. If I am startled, so be it. However lately I am feeling very uneasy. Not sure what that is about . As to your question… I am a survivor. I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused from age 8 till I was strong enough to fight back or run away . Some was stranger abuse, some was parental abuse. I no longer feel angry about it. It just gets in the way of my life. I lived in fear for most of my life. Now I am just trying to live my life, whatever that is.

  27. This post blew me away! I chose to jump off the train off the track and thought that was all that was needed. But in the past few months, I have felt like something was missing in this equation and I couldn’t figure out what. You’ve given me the answer! I need to go down track 2 and what better time to do that than when the grand cardinal cross is bearing down on my Aries moon. Thank you!!!!

  28. I will take those hugs Elsa! I am ok, really, I have come a long way and I have done a lot of work. I think this cross that you speak of is bringing stuff up, maybe I have more work to do – yuk. I don’t understand the transits etc – that all of you talk about. But I really like reading about it, lol! Thank you for a wonderful (truly) website!

  29. Yes. My dad has been semi abusive and semi helpful in odd ways ever since I came back home from college graduation because I was laid off from two jobs, ran out of student loans and dug myself a hole.
    He now says I’m a crap shooter and that I’ll never leave the house among other put me downs. But he’s the one talking out of his ass. Because I got accepted to NYU. And everything is falling into place. The north node of the moon is on my 9th house conjunct my pluto on May 20, 2014, by a near 1/2 orb. Boo YA!

  30. I really believe there are people that are just too stupid to have children. They lack any sort of normal brain functioning due to drug use or alcoholism (no excuse) and they do the most horrible things to their children not understanding exactly what kind of nightmare they are creating.

    If you try to reason with an addict you are not going to get anywhere. In fact they can start to make you think you are the crazy or unreasonable one.

    I raised my mothers children when I was just a child myself because she was unable to function. The fights were terrific. The lack of parental care was pathetic and the outcome is something my sisters and I have had to work years to overcome.

    3 of us made it. Two didn’t. I haven’t spoken to her in a very long time. When I looked at what it did to me, it didn’t make me as angry as seeing what it did to my sisters.

    When your drunk, you are just not watching your children. And a predator knows which children are not being watched.

  31. I suppose my pitfall is still the temptation to feel sorry for the fucked up people, who don’t face their underpinnings. If I go there, it sucks me dry and sinks me like a rock. I can’t function. I can’t let their problems in. I have to cut off at the abusive behavior. Hangin around doesn’t change anything at all. It’s the same old game over and over again. So that’s where I am working. Detachment I suppose or not allowing holes in my aura or something like that.

  32. Thank you for posting this! The analogy of “jumping the train track” to escaping from the patterns of a dysfunctional family really hit home with me. Especially since I just read an article about those who jumped off of trains headed to concentration camps, successfully escaping and then going on to live long lives. Lives that they would not have been very likely to have had they not jumped off the train. There’s a new book out on this subject, which I’m sure will enlighten a lot of people, myself included. I always thought that anyone who was put on a train bound for a concentration camp was doomed. I had no idea that these escapees existed.

  33. Still a bit lost. I haven’t really been able cry over myself since my childhood because of the persecution that I received for crying at all.

  34. I recently heard someone talking about “the wound” and about changing the metaphor. It took me many years to achieve empathy for myself and my parents. Now, as I approach 770 years, I realize that “the wound” is a furrow in which seeds are planted. Planted before I came here, in what I accepted as the limits whithin which Iwould need to grow. I chose a situation. end of a war, end of the depression. traumatized people and nation. I chose to exert my strength to change what I was unable to change with my own will. And I chose to come to people who had survived only by will. My ability to love myself and and them is like a thousand year rain. lit is their hope realized. I cam because I knew I could tolerate the pain required to get to where I wanted to go. We come for different reasons. As you said, we each come with a self instruction for accomplishment. No one can say what another’s accomplishment is. That is the mistake I often make with myself. Judging and measuring with no ruler. Mars/Pluto square. My son has Mars/Pluto square in fire and water but mine is fixed and his is cardinal. My daughter has Mrs/Pluto conjunct. We are all working on this project. Interestingly, my grandson’s name is Will. We transform our desires to include the Will of the unnameable, unknowable, most precious and intimate One.

  35. My parents are reacting to their childhood traumas.

    It’s the same thing over and over on repeat, nearly all their lives.

    So far, everytime I’ve thought, “Maybe things could work out…” They act how they’ve been programmed to. I’m still giving them a chance because I am hopeful, but I am fairly cynical about it. They’re very likely to do the same thing they have been doing for over 40 years.

    It took me about away from home for 2-3 years to get un-brainwashed. When I’d come home during breaks, I’d walk on eggshells.

    After learning about the dung beetle, I really feel that each of us are made for some purpose. They are specially made for the task that they do. Their for arms are made for sculpting and they do an 8th house thing and process shit into something that helps the world.

    I am in halfway through phase one and incubating phase two.

    • What a wonderful post, Elsa. Thank you so much. I was raped and sodomized by my father from age 3 to age 14. My life has been a continual journey toward spiritual, emotional, and physical health. I am grateful for an internal strength that kept me going and changed my life from victim to thriver.

  36. [Nice one, Elsa, and always necessary. I’ve chosen to speak about abusive mothers as it still seems to be a tabu and this doesn’t work well for kids! I was a rich girl with a posh father who loved me a lot but was absent much of tjhe time. For my mother I was a meal ticket but she also used me to express her dissatisfaction with the fact sne married without love. Basically, the worst I’ve heard and experienced in my life was from her. I loved her so much and I still long for the hugs I never got and never willl because mom”s hugs I cannot replace. Anyways, it took years to decide if I myself could be a good parent or if I will repeat the pattern. For years I looked at it close and personal, dug all the dirt out and inspected it. It hurt like hell and it stunk but it helped. I did choose to become a parent. I remember all very well and spend every single day making sure I don’t treat my child this way, I don’t say those words, and I hug and say “I love you”. I even have a black board in my bedroom where I write every day memos for myself how to behave. Just to make sure I don’t forget. I am not perfect, I also get tired, sometimes even shout aftet an argument but I am not an abuser. All this to say that we are not our parents, we can walk our own path and we can be better people. I shut the door a decade ago and never looked back. Cheers to new beginnings! (I’m also a Scorpio , Sun conjunct Uranus exact, Mars in Cancer, but my Moon conjunct Saturn in the 7th os telling enough).

  37. In my experience, the train may jump the track, but then the track mows down the train. It’s annoying.

  38. I had a stepfather that jacked up my life. 45 yrs later I am over it for the most part, but will never understand why. And I believe it was deliberate.

  39. Emotional, physical and sexual abuse as a child repeated the pattern in my first marriage.
    Therapy, support groups helped me get to a place of acceptance,
    I am good until flashbacks happen, certain topics I try to avoid also scents as in soaps , cleaning supply as they can be triggers.
    My biggest struggle has been my ability to trust.Its very difficult to wrap ones head around the Idea that the people put on this earth that you think is supposed to love you actually abuses you.So how does one trust anyone at all?
    My stellium in the 12th house must play a role.

  40. Chronic emotional abuse and ongoing poor boundaries from my father.

    Inheritance (legacy, 8th house moon) from my godmother set me free in my early 20s to become fully independent and move my train off the track (first option that Elsa mentions.)

    I took many false starts/tracks till my early 30s.

    Then I pondered and took the second option, really think of my purpose in life (passions as a child, trines, elements emphasised in my chart and strong houses and angular planets.)

    Bit by bit, supported enormously by a great psychotherapist and transiting uranus conjunct my sun, I realised what most of my real drives are and was able to form better friendships and relationships.

    I changed my career to match my vocation so I could slowly clim back on the professional ladder.

    Met my husband age 37 after years of being on the wrong track in my love life as a result of the emotional abuse and self-esteem issues. Luckily by 37 I was able to recognise a good man and match, and with hard work in therapy I was able to correct early self-sabotaging actions in that relationship.

  41. Im in the phase of discovering what I am truly designed for. Or maybe at the tail end of jumping the track. Its not easy because these are psychological patterns that happen in your own mind.

    Ive discovered that changing the circumstances doesnt change me. Its like a kid that grew up poor, becomes rich, but still percieves herself as poor. I thought simply avoiding abusive relationships was the answer.

    Its not so easy to jump because the track is psychic in nature.

  42. Yup,abuse when young certainly
    Builds that track. I am always
    Recovering me, and yes finding
    What I am meant to be doing
    With this life;yes identify disspell
    Correct ones beliefs in self
    And soilder on to our divine
    Isn’t a comfort how so many look above to the heavens knowing the correction is
    Being designed

  43. Wow, what a great post. Thanks, Elsa!
    My childhood was traumatic in so many ways (sexual, verbal, emotional abuse), I’m not sure where to begin. Been intensely working to resolve/heal for 40 years. Recently found and hopefully unhooked the message from my dad, “You don’t have permission to take up space.” I had a huge aha around it. I’m 63 and most of my life So many people have gotten angry with me for all kinds of things that I think most other people would be given a pass on. The aha was that when I’ve tried to assert/stretch myself, somebody/nearly anybody would show up to slam me back into place. I’m hoping the work that I’ve done will end this pattern for good, but I admit I still feel the remnants of flinching and tiptoeing around. I would love to know where this type of pattern shows in my chart.

    • “I’ve tried to assert/stretch myself, somebody/nearly anybody would show up to slam me back into place.”

      Oh no. I hope that changes.

  44. Hi Elsa my mother had mental illness growing up and both father and mother verbally physically abusive to me and had post traumatic stress disorder from trauma
    I choose at 18 to do things differently I left uk and went to Canada made fresh start
    Determined I needed to heal my life
    Went through intensive counseling seeing psychologist as well and studied reiki and became reiki master teacher 1999 and studied bodytalk and became certified bodytalk practioner 2004 . It’s like an onion I had to learn to love and mother myself and is an ongoing journey of deepening my self love, self worth , self acceptance

  45. Thank you. This is a very helpful perspective, especially thinking about why the train jumps the tracks and where it goes afterwards.

    I don’t believe everything happens for a reason (as in fate) or that karma operates on a tit for tat basis but it helps to understand that there are things you can change and work towards and that these are yours no matter what.

  46. I was the one who jumped the track. I guess now at 40 I can’t escape my childhood. Altho I thought so. My mom never took any responsibility, not even now. My brother takes it for her, ending him up in burned-out state and at his darkest hour. And the train goes on. Because I have to jump on to prevent him from worse. So the cycle is between my mom, brother and me. It makes me angry and sad. I wish I was harder. Because I just want to skip it all. But my feeling of obligation is standing in the way. At the moment I ask myself will it ever stop? I only succeeded not becoming like her. Be a good person, loving and caring. But still she haunts me. :((

  47. Thanks Elsa again for encouraging an open and honest discussion on this topic. As regards my own background, I feel I’ve probably said enough about my own eperiences in response to previous conversations. Yes, my childhood was horrific. And as a result, I was pretty messed up for the first twenty-some-odd years of my life. But I did not want to be that way and I fought, hard, to prevent myself from becoming just another statistic. And anyway, I’m very stubborn. If I let my abusers (my mother primarily) destroy my life forever – as happened to other family members – then she would win. And I did not want to let her win. Fortunately, I felt a need to serve others, which I did and still do. A couple of amazing counsellor/psychologists, against all odds, succeeded in making me me feel OK about myself. From an early age, spirituality beckoned and I answered. Then God smiled on me and I met and married my soul mate (for real) – we mirror and bring out the very best in each other. I am undoubtedly a better person for my experiences – stronger, wiser, more empathetic. The only downside is the taboo surrounding survivors of abuse – there’s this idea that we are permanently damaged goods – that we must forever be some kind of victim, pitied. I am nobody’s victim. All that I have experienced embodies the person that I am now, and I’m proud of that. I will not be demeaned by the actions of people in my past.

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