You are one of the most ‘in the moment’ people that I am aware of. You EXPERIENCE life, you CREATE your life, where I just seem to perpetually react or respond to it. It’s as though I see you living in Technicolor and I am in black-and-white, and I admire and envy the hell out of you!
This feeling of not being in the moment and absorbing all that life has to offer has been with me my whole life – it’s as though most of life has been a big blur. There have been very few times where I either was deeply enamored of someone, or finally finding myself and being on my own, that I began to feel like I was more vitally alive and in tune with myself. I have tried counseling, exercise, changing my diet, anti-depressants, moving… and yet I can’t seem to rise to the level of enjoying and experiencing life that I’d like to.
Currently, I’m in another of my 2-3 times a year moods where I “seriously need to break out of my life” and really want to travel. I’ve always been drawn to Italy and the Mediterranean and want to visit there so badly, to the point I’m almost scared that if I did, I would stay! This morning I realized that large part of my fascination with this culture is that the people there generally LIVE life. They are passionate – whether it’s over love or death or food or whatever.
However, I am so responsible all I seem to do is think about the well-being of everyone else around me and, God forbid, that I should hurt anyone or make them uncomfortable, especially my most precious 6 year-old. So I hit these bumps and then ride them out until they’re gone, and squirm all over again the next time they come up. Yet life is all nice and stable and can be lovely (compared to my youth especially) and that has value to me too. But I feel a huge void.
My question is, is there an astrological reason that I can’t seem to experience life on a more passionate and visceral level? At 42 I’m beginning to feel I’m running out of time to start fully living a life instead of just doing life. Trouble is, I have no idea how to even start breaking out without feeling tons of guilt.
Capricorn Moon, Capricorn Rising
Yep, you’ve been around awhile and as you know I have significant Capricorn in my chart… so I understand the plague! I understand the overdeveloped sense of duty and responsibility, the repression, the oppression, the fear, the sense of not being good enough and on and on and on. And I only know of one cure!
Now there may be others but if so I haven’t found them. And I don’t need to find them because my way works! I have made it up the mountain to where I am happy and free and you can do it too – but only if you master all the Capricorn lessons which are so simple as to be misleading.
First, you must face your fear. All Capricorn must face all fears or be crippled by them
Second, you have to take responsibility for your life… completely. I don’t care what your parents did to you. I don’t care how hard you had it, how ugly you are, how many bones you’ve had broken or any other thing. Because it simply doesn’t matter.
If you want to be happy, at some point you have let all that go and decide to take things into your own hands. You have to build the life you want, and I don’t care if you’ve got only loose change and the shirt on your back to do it with. Too bad! You still have to do it because you’re a Capricorn and it won’t be done for you.
Outside of this, I’ll tell where you where I think you’re going wrong. Your Pisces Sun is dreaming. You have a fantasy about Italy, and you might just make it there some day if you would just apply Capricorn technique.
See, Pisces can get to Italy via their imagination but with all this Capricorn in your chart, it’ll never happen… you will never get there for real (Capricorn) if you do not take the million little steps between here and there.
I understand you’re drawn to passion and the energy of Italian people and I think it is entirely possible (especially with Jupiter currently transiting Sagittarius) for you to learn from them and absorb some of their ways and attitudes. But since you can’t leave your six year old and go to Italy tomorrow, can you perhaps take a cooking class? Can you find an Italian restaurant and make yourself a regular so you get to know the people there and they get to know you?
These things will help. They will take you closer to where you want to go. But right now you’re doing nothing but standing on your side of the glass, wishing and hoping and pining. And I can tell you for sure that you will never get what you want, unless you face your fear and start to get in there and mix it up. Like this:
You decide to do it, you feel guilty / scared / whatever and you do the thing anyway. I am sorry but it’s this or die in shackles.