Dear Elsa,
I have been in a relationship with a guy who was my colleague for 4 months. He is a very nice and caring person. I felt very loved. We’re really into each other.
He wanted his parent’s approval to marry me. But his parents are not allowing him to do so since we belong to two different religions. They are even threatening they will commit suicide if he marries me. He is very depressed and broken.
Now he is asking me to forget everything as his parents are blackmailing him emotionally. I want this relationship to work out. I really want him to stay.
Please tell me we will be able to marry each other ?
Sweet ocimum
Dear, Sweet,
I am sorry. I realize you are in a lot of pain, but I don’t think you have a future with this man. As bad as you feel, I’m glad you found out early on, that his parents were not going to accept you.
The rejection is not personal. They’re going to reject any potential daughter-in-law who is not of their religion.
I agree he’s being emotionally blackmailed, but it doesn’t really matter. He’s made his choice and it’s probably the right choice. I say that because if you were to marry this man, his parents would set out to destroy you.
This man has a Libra Moon. I’m sure he wants peace in his family. He needs (Moon) to get along with them (Libra). He also has a has a stellium in Scorpio and I think he can read the writing on the wall.
I appreciate that you’re in agony, but I feel you’ve got to take this loss. If this were truly the right man for you, the door would be open. As it is, the door is closed. He’s the one who closed it. You’ve no choice but to respect his decision. I’m sorry.
Have you ever been rejected by your lover’s family?
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Yes. His Mother was very unhappy about us. She wanted him to marry a woman who would give her grandchildren. He has never wanted children and that caused fights between them even before I came along. She called him selfish and self centered.
I was very sure I wanted no more children. We were clear with her. She carried anger and resentment for a long time hardly acting like I was in the room when we would be at family functions.
They came to final blows years ago. I stayed out of it completely. I don’t think they have spoken for 5 years. They were in our home once, and I believe that was 7 years ago.
They had been fighting for years….long before I came along. The grandchildren thing was not the only reason but it sure was the straw that broke the camels back.
He told them he was going to live his own life and if they didn’t approve or like it, they didn’t have to be in it. I think its very sad. My husband really acts like he couldn’t care less at this point. I can’t imagine being a mother that hasn’t spoken to or seen my son in years.
She has an Aqua Stellium and I a Scorpio Stellium… we were never going to work no matter how hard I tried. I would go all out to try to please her and do for her and she would shoot me a very cool breeze….
So, yes, I have been rejected by his family and because he is with me he has been rejected too. This is broken and can’t be fixed because so many years have passed without a word spoken between them. They are neither going to be able to get past it.
We have been together for 17 years and married for 15. It’s a shame really. I use her as an example when my own children do something I disapprove of. I never want to be away from them like that. I never want weeks, months or years to pass and not see them. I decided to keep my nose out of their choices so I am never in that position.
I have always gotten on well with their families. But then again, I never was with men seeped in tradition. I don’t behave well enough for that. 😀
Yes, yes, yes I totally identify with this. Let me start out by saying my husband is Taurus, Scorpio rising, with moon in Cancer. I’m Scorpio, Capricorn rising, with moon in Leo. His mother’s sun is in Taurus, but that’s all I know. When my husband and I first got together, there was a lot of pressure from his mother to join the religion he’d been raised in. He is half Mexican, half Japanese and had been raised in a religion called Sukyo Mahikari. I did some research and discovered it wasn’t really compatible with my own beliefs and that it is also on the list of dangerous cults, which kind of freaked me out, but all of this after I had gone and experienced it for myself because I don’t like to knock things before trying them. Anyway, long story short, when it was made clear that I wouldn’t be converting I was no longer welcome in her home. She did everything she could to prevent us from seeing one another, he was 21 at the time, I was 19, and began threatening to disown him if he didn’t break off the relationship. All hell broke loose when he converted to Christianity a few months later. After work one evening we made plans to go night fishing with a few friends of ours. When he told his mother about our plans she told him he couldn’t go because the monthly ceremony (their equivalent to Sunday service) was the following morning. He explained to her that he no longer believed in the religion and felt hypocritical going through the motions for show (and to make her happy). She hung up on him and after making several attempts to call her back and talk to her, he shut off his phone and we went about our weekend plans. Sunday afternoon when he turned his phone back on, he had a voicemail telling him to come get his belongings out of her house. We drove to his house and he went inside to talk to her — I sat in the getaway car for a little over an hour. When he came out he was carrying a box of his stuff and told me he’d been given an ultimatum: her or me. He moved in with me and we got married a couple of months later; no one in his family came to the wedding. We’ve been married for seven years, together for ten total. For six of those years she didn’t speak to me. I encouraged him however, to be a part of the family because I didn’t want her to think the reason he wanted nothing to do with them was because I was being spiteful. It wasn’t until I got pregnant and wrote her a letter asking her to be a part of her granddaughter’s life that she finally came around. My child was to be her first grand baby. These days we get along well enough, but as a Scorpio my guard is always up.
that is good advice. His family would set out to “destroy” her. He’s already “bound” to his family too much, and no matter much — his placements, — that libra moon, is not going to fight them. (peace at all costs)
it’s hard, and it’s very sad for her, but she does need to let go. Some men are tied to their family as #1.
You gave her good advice. My Husband is Virgo with Libra moon (in his 7th house). His mother is Sag with libra moon. She despised me and was actually very verbally aggressive and abusive to me from the first time she met me. For the first three years of our marriage I felt I had no choice but to accept her abuse. To this day she doesn’t engage our children because she disapproved of our marriage. If I had known how she was going to behave I do believe I would have thought carefully first before I married him, in all honesty. I am sag with a Taurus moon (in my fifth house). He would never say to her “Mom, this is the woman I love and married, I love you too. Can’t we make this work?” So, I decided that since she wanted only a relationship with him because he is her child I’m okay with that. She and I don’t have a relationship. I wasn’t rude about it but I set my boundaries. I didn’t talk to her, and never about her to my husband. My husband continued his relationship with his mother and we kept our relationship separate from his and hers. It worked well for us. Over the years, however, he has changed and although he never told his mother how much it hurt him from her treatment of me and our children he has slowly distanced himself from her. We saw her this past Christmas (for me it was the first time I’d seen her in over 18 years). She tried very hard to be pleasant with me and my children and although I could tell it was difficult for her I appreciated it. My husband only speaks to her now maybe once or twice a year and that is when she calls him. So it can work but there is so much pain involved I think you gave this young lady the right advice.
Yes, not only rejected but destroyed, too. You can do anything you want and give your best effort to get along, if they don’t want you to be around they will get rid of you – by very ugly means.
Yes, but he stuck by me & refused to be manipulated (Scorpio). In my experience & from what I saw & see around me, I was an exception- I was lucky. In most of these kinds of challenges it usually goes the other way, or ends up being a perpetual Hell =(
True! But in this case, the man went with the family…and truly, that’s it. It’s over.
@McKenna, sounds like my husband. But in his case, his father liked me immediately and his mother’s only concern is that he would be taken care of and loved deeply. But they didn’t argue at all with his choice. It wouldn’t have mattered.
In the case with the above, Elsa is right. Family is going to hound him and manipulate him and he will never have a happy life, and even the stories above, it’s so strained and miserable sounding. There’s always going to be deep resentment inside.
No, and I truly enjoy men more now that I’m older and their parents are dead. I see some of my husband’s traits that he picked up from “mother” and I want to knock his head off.
I re-married at the age of 52, 11 years ago, and my four stepchildren have never accepted me. Their mother had passed away two years before, and they had a lot of trouble accepting that their father wanted and needed a new marriage. When we realized we had a problem with the kids (before we were married, when we were first considering marriage), we went to a counselor and asked how best to handle it. The counselor said that since the kids were all adults (in fact all four of them were over 30 and married), it would be a mistake to put our lives on hold seeking their approval. We brought the most problematic kids and their spouses into counseling with us, hoping the counselor could help them move thru grief and into a more supportive relationship with us, but that didn’t work either. The counselor told us they thought the kids probably never would come around. And they haven’t. One of my husband’s daughters actively tried to sabotage our marriage, forcing my husband to make a choice between us, and he chose our marriage. After all these years, relationships with his kids are improving but still very strained and we only see them a few times a year. One son (and his kids) we hardly see at all. It is very sad. But our marriage has been and is great; we are very happy; and for the most part we have learned to accept what we can’t change.
I agree @Elsa, it really is the mans call & I was lucky!
@elisa, I’m glad it worked out that way & it all sounds like it was fairly civil =)
The guy I talked of had a Cappy Father & a Scorp Mother who were both horrified their only Son was “stolen” by a foreigner. Their Son was equally horrified they would put a belief like that ahead of his happiness, so he cut them out of his life. He had a Leo Moon though, I don’t know if if he had a Libra or Cancer Moon if we would have had the outcome we did!
@McKenna, i don’t know if my husband would have a different chart and wouldn’t fight for me. A man who doesn’t fight for me isn’t someone I want to be with. I feel i would live in misery. I did with my 2nd ex, as his mother was cruel to me and him. I cried all the time. He fought her alot, but it didn’t matter. My ex’s were all fighters, but it is the level of “bond” and dark/deep (psychological warfare) influence their family holds over them. That is what the problem i see here on this dilemma above. My husband is also a leo moon, ironically, same as my first husband. I was already afraid deep down to love someone so deeply and he never gave up. His family is very loving and kind, and so are mine. My family loves my husband alot.
and to add, some men who have this psychological warfare with their mothers — they take it out on the women they’re supposed to love.
There have been many times I have either quietly (to myself) disagreed with my daughter in laws and even my own sons but the best way to never see your child again is to alienate his love interest or wife to be. It’s a good way to never ever see your grandchildren as well.
I raised my boys to have a voice and their own opinion so to ask them to conform to a religion I believe in or live a life by my rules could never work for them because they weren’t raised that way in the first place.
I can’t count the times I have had to shove my fist in my mouth especially where the grandkids are concerned. Unless they are sick I make no suggestions. It’s very hard because I love them so. But I constantly remind myself that while they are a large part of me and so important in my life they are not ‘my’ kids.
Last year on Mothers day I got a card from my youngest daughter in law (the Cappy) and handwritten inside …thank you for every gentle thing you have done for me but mostly for teaching me how to be a good mother….(I have Elsa to thank for the last part of that) 🙂
People need to leave their kids alone unless they ask for help. Families would get along so much better if they would but out of each others business…