In Love With Her Friend – Should She Tell Him? Leo Rising, Pisces Moon

Stuffed Lion

Dear Elsa,

I am in love with my friend. He has a girlfriend that is in another country and they don’t see each other very often. We spend a lot of time together and I feel we have a connection. I don’t know what to do. Should I speak with him, or just hope time will play in my favor?

Thank you for your advice.

Holding Pattern

Dear Holding Pattern,

I would definitely speak up and I could probably sit here all day and list reasons why, but this is an advice column and is supposed to be a short format! So how about I just throw a few things up here and you can peruse them.

First off, life is short. It is way too short to be coy, especially when you have Mars in Leo in the first house like you do. You’re a hunter, girl! Go after what you want. A passive Mars in Leo? That scares me. Tell him how you feel and see what’s he’s got to say.

See, you have a Pisces Moon and consequently there is a tendency to act as a doormat and sacrifice yourself. And if you think about this, you can see this is what you’re doing. You are the one next to him. You are the one taking care of him no doubt, yet she is his girlfriend! Sounds like, “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride” to me. How would you like that for a future?

If it sounds good, keep doing what you’re doing. If this pisses you off, which I hope it does, then perhaps you will be spurred to action. In either case, your Saturn Return is underway. And that means it’s time to figure out what kind of adult you are going to be. So which is it? Bride or bridesmaid?

I think you have way too much Leo to be standing in the shadow. I say, find out if this guy has similar feelings. If so, you’re in. If not, move along! And one more thing…

Just be aware that men who keep their girlfriends in other countries are usually not the best prospects for long term commitment…

Good luck.



In Love With Her Friend – Should She Tell Him? Leo Rising, Pisces Moon — 18 Comments

  1. It better not be my boyfriend you’re talking about! I prefer women to keep their hands off him.

    But then again, I am with Elsa in the sense that if your feeings about him are real you shouldn’t hide them.

  2. I love the little lion! Elsa, you post the best pictures!

    Dear HP: it’s a little scary to risk a good friendship by expressing your deeper feelings; you run the risk of losing your friend. But I think the rewards outweighs the risk. If he doesn’t return the same feelings things will be awkward for a little bit, but you can keep the friendship alive. If he does feel the same way, or is willing to consider changing the relationship to include romance, you have no way of knowing unless you ask.

  3. I so agree with the last comment. What’s there to risk anyway? If I may be so blunt (or is this Elsa’s thing only…), sounds like your friend is comfortably using you as a substitute girlfriend. Take this from the expert, me,…..with my pisces moon …and the resulting doormattendencies….STOP torturing yourself. It is not going to get you anywhere…..
    I bet you he KNOWS already anyway……

  4. I am going to have to play devil’s advocate. Yes, you have a connection. Yes, his girlfriend is far away. I agree with taking risks. I agree with putting yourself out there. I agree with making your desire being heard. I also agree that it’s possible you are a surrogate girlfriend, and I think that that stinks.
    I bet he knows already, too! And I think he should dump his girlfriend if he wants this to happen with you. But why should this happen with you prefacing it with you telling him you’ve fallen for him?

    If any conversation happens, please let it begin with “Does your girlfriend know how much we hang out?” I met a wonderful man who had a girlfriend, and you know what? It all worked out. We’re still together, 5 years strong. I don’t doubt this kind of thing can happen. But it sure is easier when people clean their own bags before they pack for the next trip.

  5. “Does your girlfriend know how much we hang out?”

    Oh, come ON! As someone who is friends with men, I get very irritated when people assume that there is always a romantic interest on the part of one of the parties. Sometimes a man and a woman can really be friends.

  6. …and as someone who is also friends with men, I can assure you I ask this question because it is entirely in context with this person’s letter.
    I offered it as an opener to approach her friend. I have not assumed there is something going on. She told us there is.
    How do you propose she opens the conversation? It isn’t going to be easy any way you look at it.

  7. Well, the question “does your girlfriend know how much we hang out?” kinda makes the girlfriend sound like a fool for not being suspicious about their friendship. So I don’t think that’s a good opener, no. It’s also beating around the bush. I say a good opener is just to concentrate on how she feels about him. There is obviously a connection or they wouldn’t be friends but is it a romantic connection and is it mutual? We don’t know for sure. The only person who knows that is the guy involved.

  8. Marly, I don’t see anything wrong with addressing the fact that this dude has a girlfriend in another country. I don’t think it’s beating around the bush. It’s actually addressing one of the major concern’s of this person. Okay, from your end it isn’t a good ‘opener.’ That doesn’t mean that it is an issue that should not be brought up.

    The letter to me can be summed as this: I am in love with my friend, who has a girlfriend. What do I say to him, if anything?
    Well, if someone was in love with me, I would think it odd that they didn’t mention my SO.

    Incidentally, my SO and I became friends at the tail-end of his last relationship, and speaking about his (now ex) cleared the air enormously. We were obviously attracted to one another, and here he was, all hooked up. I asked him if she knew we were hanging out, turns out she didn’t. I said, well that’s your decision.

    Later on, he told me he liked me, I said, well great! Sort your relationship out, and no matter what: I’ll be your friend. Because I liked him. Yeah, I was super-hot for him, but I liked him, too, and to make a very long boring (this shouldn’t be about me, and I know it) story short: he broke it off with her and we started dating. And it has worked.

    So, I never asked him because I thought his girlfriend was a fool, I asked because it addressed an important fact: he was in a relationship. And I thought it was a polite way to initiate conversation. I am actually friends with men and women, single and attached alike, and believe it or not I have been on both sides of the confessional fence. Coming right out with “I’ve got feelings for you” might work for this person, but it might not. Suspicion is not a factor for me at all. Testing the waters before jumping is. Please excuse all my metaphors. The moon’s is my 1st house today.

  9. I think you’re getting very testy, Christine. I was irritated by your original comment only bc a lot of people already have suspicions about there being romantic feelings between male and female friends and do we need to perpetuate that idea? That’s all. It was not a comment about you in particular. I don’t know what is the best way for the letter writer to address this question. Personally, I feel that people could misinterpret a question like “what does your girlfriend think about us hanging out so much” in very many ways: some might think that the person asking the question is worried about the status of the friendship and about the girlfriend’s feelings. And so on and so forth. Me? I like it when people are blunt: I have romantic feelings for you but I know that you have a girlfriend and I’d like to know how you feel about me regardless.

    Some people prefer bluntness and others like indirection. Only the letter-writer knows what’s the best approach for this guy.

  10. “Sometimes a man and a woman can really be friends.”

    Okay, I’ll buy that if you don’t look like Angelina Jolie….but if you do what man would want to just “be friends” with you?
    Or maybe you have an overtly sexy Venus and Mars combination that makes you irresistable to men….AND women? What if you just oooooooze sex like Marilyn Monroe did?

    I think in a perfect world this would be ideal…but not practical for everyone.
    As far as the guy that is hangin’ out with that Leo lady…..well, I think he needs to develop a hobby…that does not include stringing women along.

    When I met my man he had a girl too in another country… even showed me her picture. I was furious! He was mine from the get go but I backed off.

    Before I knew it he was calling me every night. We talked about everything but our feelings but we knew what the game was.

    3 weeks later he was calling that girl in _____ telling her that the relationship was just not going to work.

    I think HP’s guy likes things just the way they are because if he did’nt then he would be making other arrangements.

    I would not even hold my breath for this guy if I were Holding.

    I wish her luck in finding a free man.

  11. “But it sure is easier when people clean their own bags before they pack for the next trip.”

    If that’s not brilliant deduction then I don’t know what is, Christine. You go girl!!!

    “Just be aware that men who keep their girlfriends in other countries are usually not the best prospects for long term commitment”

    Great advice, Elsa! This guy cannot be commited to his “girl” if he’s cavortin’ with another 1,000’s of miles away.
    Sorry, Marly, it just ain’t right.

  12. Personally? I don’t want to be with anybody who doesn’t want me enough to clear their decks for me, of their own initiative.

  13. I’m sorry Marly, but if you were to reread your own posts, they include irritation, suspicion, speaking of beating around the bush, and now a claim that I am perpetuating myths that exist in heterosexual relationships?
    And you think I’m getting testy? I think I have stated my opinions in a very rational way, actually. I think you just don’t like what I have to say, which is fine. But please don’t project onto me your disliking of what other people have to say about male/female friendships. You’re preaching to the converted.
    I wish you all the best.

  14. “Personally? I don’t want to be with anybody who doesn’t want me enough to clear their decks for me, of their own initiative”

    Exactly, Strawberry Fields! If this man has not made a move to break off the “formal” relationship then he’s pretty happy where he is.

    I mean, really, how many people hang out with the opposite sex almost on a daily basis without knowing that they were meant for each other!
    You’d have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to notice what was happening between the two of you.

    I really do not think you have to spell it out for someone if you’re on the same wavelength.

  15. “Just be aware that men who keep their girlfriends in other countries are usually not the best prospects for long term commitment”

    Why is she there? Maybe there was no other choice. Does that mean they had to give up on their relationship?

    “….AND women? What if you just oooooooze sex like Marilyn Monroe did?”
    Does she? For every man? Or does she evoke other feelings too? Isn’t that what astrology is all about? Many factors and not just one.

    The attraction may be very one sided, the man not being aware of any other feelings except friendship. Coming out in the open will probably make him question his own feelings as well and then, if he finds that they are different, he will become very self conscious, careful of his every word and step and eventually feel it a burden and run.
    Pattern will have to decide if she should take the risk of losing the friendship or enjoy it while it lasts….as it is. Eventually, it may grow into something more or even, she herself, lose romantic interest but will still have her friend.

  16. Tosh…..majority rules is what I’m talking about. Personally, I always thought her image pathetic but for some “odd” reason men find that kind of “look” super appealing. She would not be the most recognizable person in the world to date because she had a brilliant mind and stellar academic career!

    I do agree, though, that not EVERY man would have wanted to “sleep” with her….but I can’t be sure because I’m not a man.

  17. Yes, I am projecting, Christine, hence the tone of anger and fury. I have put two friendships on hold bc of the idea that women and men can’t be just friends. I was friends with a man and a woman who had dated previously. In fact, they were both my friends before they started dating and I always thought that they were meant for each other. Due to my friendship with both, they ended up dating. And I was thrilled. Then they broke up. My friendship with the man fell by the wayside while my friendship with the woman got stronger. Five years passed by. The man and I reconnected as friends this summer. In the back of my mind was still the idea that these two should be together and that they were right for one another. I openly suggested to both of them that they reconsider. The woman lives in another city and the man and I live across the river from each other. I liked his company but that was and is all. I have known him for 12 years and I have never felt any attractio for him. I’ve told the woman that we had become friends again and she keeps telling me that he and I will end up together. This irks me no end bc I have told her in no uncertain terms that I do not find him attrative like that and that, in fact, they’re both made for each other and she should reconsider getting back together with him. In spite of this, she recently told me that she hinted to him that he should ask me out. (They run into each other every once in a while; ironically the last time it was bc I had asked them both to attend the same event, knowing that they’d run into each other). I was furious. I asked her why she did that and her answer was: He always found you so attractive.

    Apparently, the fact that I did not find him attractive didn’t make any difference whatsoever. Upshot: I’ve stopped hanging out with both of them.

    And reading some of the comments here, it looks like people find it suspicious if a man finds a woman attractive and they hang out together. No one has even brought up the fact that maybe the woman might not reciprocate the guy’s feelings. Does this mean that we as women don’t trust other women? Bc it’s possible for a lot of guys to find a woman attractive and that doesn’t mean that she’ll care about them that way or that she’ll sleep with them.

  18. And I’m sorry if I took it out on you, Christine. I’m just pissed that she doesn’t trust me. I’ve never cheated on anyone nor slept with a friend’s boyfriend and if I had found him attractive to begin with, we would’ve dated back before they ever became boyfriend and girlfriend.

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