“When I was younger, a lot of my boyfriends died right after we split up. Now that I’m 41, and for the past decade, I live with this intense fear that whenever my partner doesn’t call back or disappears for some reason, I immediately have an intense fear that they’re dead. Which can be excruciating even if it’s not real, and I’ve actually broken up with people when they do this to me since they know how I feel about it.
This is also the main reason why I chose to not have kids, I think I wouldn’t be able to handle this fear if it were my child.
If you have any advice reading all this, please share!! This really is an issue. Thank you!”
Theodora left this comment on this post:
Theodora, your words leap from the page. The intensity of your feelings about this is clear! I will try to help you.
In reality, anyone of us can die at any time. This fact is non-negotiable for every single human being. You can deprive yourself of love all day long. It will not change this reality. In fact, you’re living the worst case scenario in that you’ve already “killed” love by not allowing it into your life!
You think you would not be able to handle it, if your lover died. I would argue that with Venus opposing Pluto in your chart, you are uniquely and utterly equipped to handle such a thing. That doesn’t mean you will have to!
It means that should you suffer such a loss, you would be able to dig deep inside and find the resources to survive. As it stands, you have no clue these resources even exist.
That aside, it’s your fear that is crippling you. Faith is the antidote to fear. Specifically, try to cultivate the belief that should your worst fear, manifest, you would get through it. I’m pretty sure this is the truth, rather than some fairy concept!
You may also want to examine this at a deeper level. This is the key thing:
“I immediately have an intense fear that they’re dead. Which can be excruciating even if it’s not real…”
Bring that feeling up and ask yourself why it’s excruciating? Play the scenario out in your head. You’re married and your husband dies… what comes next?
What comes next is most likely, a period of mourning, and the eventual acceptance that you are now a widow.
Do you know how many widows there are out there?
How about historically?
Is it really that bad?
Or is it part of life for some?
I think that starving of love over the course of your lifetime is much worse. I hope you can believe yourself a bit more and free yourself from this oppression.