If A Man Says He Doesn’t Want To Marry, Does He Mean It?

Venus VintageI’m acquainted with a man in his fifties; he does not want to marry again.  He’s been dating a gal for a couple of years. They’re exclusive.

The man has been candid with  the woman from day one. He does not want to get married, period. She’s continued to see him by her own free will.

I know a number of women who are in a situation like this. They’re dating a man who does not intend to marry them and they have for years. Most days they’re comfortable with the arrangement. But now and then things flare…

Things flare, and from what I’ve seen, most of these relationships come to bitter end. It’s as if the woman deludes herself, somehow.  She thinks various thins over the years  The years pass. One year turns to three, to five to seven…some women spend ten years with a man like this, only to realize they DO want a committed (marriage) relationship.

It’s at this point, the break up with the man, essentially losing their entire investment in him. You can’t blame the man, if he was clear all along. But I still feel for the woman because when the relationship ends, it’s like a marriage that never was.

Are you in a relationship like this? What do you know about them? Where’s your Venus?

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If A Man Says He Doesn’t Want To Marry, Does He Mean It? — 44 Comments

  1. My Venus is in Aquarius, and I’m a woman in a committed relationship who doesn’t want to marry, although I don’t think my guy does either (Venus in Virgo)

  2. Hi, interesting topic!

    I’ve dated a man age 50 and he did not want to commit to anyone. He never married and says he will not marry at all. That’s his choice. As a young unexperimented woman in love, I fell hardly in love with him until I understood that he was / is twat. Now, I have pity for him. I do not have any contact with him, but I remember clearly some aspect of his chart: AS Libra, Venus in Sag square Saturn in Pisces in the 5th house. The lords of the 5th (Uranus) in the 12th, the lord of the 7th (Mars) in the 12th. Stellium in the 12th in Virgo: Moon, Uranus R, Pluto R, Mars.

    My Venus is in Capricorn in the 3rd house conjunct Uranus-Neptune-Saturn.

  3. I think there are plenty of women who also do not want to marry but are fine in a committed, exclusive relationship. However, I do think the idea of a man or relationship as investment is a concept that is unique to women, or at least I’ve never met a man who looked at things that way — and I know some men who lost quite a lot when a marriage/relationship ended. I may have a very airy-fairy way of looking at things but I don’t sympathize with the idea that you’re owed something for spending time, loving, being with someone who makes you happy. If it’s completely one-sided then that should be addressed, but not through compensation by marriage.

  4. With all this Scorpio I did my homework before I went out with them and I was always clear in my mind what I wanted in a relationship. So, when they expressed they were not into solid partnership, had baggage, a crazy ex with teen kids that were on the warpath…. I wouldn’t even go out the first time.

    Still didn’t mean I had great relationships but I have never dealt with screaming ex families or a man that would never commit. I loved one that wouldn’t commit and was crazy about him…he was a Leo and I though he was the best thing since sliced bread…..but….

    He was a Gemini Venus and loved plenty of ladies…and my Scorpio Venus was never going go for all that. So even though I would have loved to hang around, and while it hurt to let go, and while I never forgot him….NO!

    He still contacts me. I heard from him last week. In his 50’s and STILL never married. Dodged a bullet didn’t I? HA … yeah, I saw him coming like a freight train….but wow, when that boy smiled he made me crazy. Just nutty over him. I knew better when I was 20 🙂

  5. I know of two relationships like this where when the woman knew up front and couldn’t change him…. she had a baby.

  6. I’m quite happy to date someone indefinitely without a Serious Commitment – but as I’m openly polyamorous I will most likely be dating a few special hearts without Serious Commitment. I am loyal and kind and affectionate and smart and funny and just not interested in merging to this point. I was pretty miserable both in my marriage and in my live in relationships, so I’m not going to do that again.

    Venus in cancer in the 2nd, Sadge moon in the 7th. I want all the love and sex (and am happy to share!) and I want my own space.

    • You’ve always been really clear about who you are and what you want. People like you exist, but you’re not that common, really. Which I’m sure you know! 🙂

  7. I have Venus in Aquarius. The last man I lived with was a Capricorn whose Venus in Aquarius is conjunct mine. He proposed marriage then changed his mind. He’s fifteen years older than me. He was married once to a woman who has the same birthday as mine. Four sons. They divorced in the 80s but he still holds a flame. My most recent ex is sixty-one. We were on the same page (getting married eventually) but in the end he didn’t really care enough about me to go there. He has Venus in Scorpio in the third. I’m not his ideal.

  8. My young brother is almost 50 and has never married, and he doesn’t have any children either.

    He’s dated women and has always been upfront with them from the very beginning. He told me that he usually tells a woman on the first or at the latest by the second date that he never wants to marry and never wants to have children.

    When he was younger from his late teens to around 35+ he experienced a few relationships where the woman he was dating said they were OK with that at first but later as the relationship progressed they changed their mind and wanted to marry. So in that way, I think that a lot of these women may have thought they could change his mind? I don’t know what they were thinking, to be honest.

    I do know that almost off of those women are still friends with him and communicate with him often (and some of them still contact me to chat as well). All of those women went on to get married and most have had children.

    I can only speak about my brother’s venus because I know his birth time and have his chart.

    He has Venus in the 2nd house Aries (Placidus), Venus in 3rd house Aries (equal).
    The only major aspect his Aries Venus makes is a square to Jupiter (Jupiter in Cancer).

    His Aquarius Moon is conjunct his Aquarius ascendant with only one major aspect that is a square to Neptune (Neptune in Scorpio conjunct MC).

    • With Moon in Aquarius Square Neptune in Scorpio, I think it’s a positive thing he never married. I know someone with this placement who has been married twice and each time has had affairs and fantasized about what else could be. His moon is also exactly conjunct his sun so Sun square Neptune too.

  9. My husband didn’t want to marry after his divorce.I’m not sure he ever said it directly, but I knew he didn’t. I gave him an ultimatum after 4 yrs. It was 4 more till we married. He really likes being married. I think he was more gun shy than anything else, plus he had 2 small children when we met. We’ve been together for over 30 + years. Maybe we’re the exception?

  10. Venus in Capricorn (me) and Venus in Aquarius (him) is a total signature of this sort of thing. We did this when we were two decades younger than these fools. There were three great kids involved – I still think of them as my bonus kids after all these years. He went and fell in love with a 22 year old twat (Venus in Aqua) whose parents had money (his Sun and Moon in Cap conjunct my Sun, Merc, Venus in Cap) and married the little skank instead. She had boffed half the town, but he made an honest woman out of the little whore. The children – they hurt, as did their grandma, who always remembered me. To each of use our fates. Shakespeare said the fault is not in our stars, but in us, but he is nothing compared to Cicero, who said it better than anyone, “Vitam regit fortuna, non sapentia.”

  11. Well said indeed. I have Venus in Sag which can be flirtatious. But it is the moon in Scorpio (that rules the 7th house of partnerships). So I definitely want a commitment and a deep one at that. It has taken me a long time to reconcile light-hearted Venus with the depth of a Scorpio moon.

  12. After talking to older women about later marriages- many don’t want to be “saddled” with a man the’ll have to nurse. Maybe in a few years a woman can see things from the man’s perspective. At any rate if that’s what he wants- what I used to call retirement companionship arrangements – I wouldn’t fool myself into thinking he was going to change if I were the poster.
    If you want to get married I’m sure there are people that fear old age alone who are willing to get married so you don’t even have to change their minds.
    Fish in a different pond 🙂

  13. Oh my god… I m in one of these but with a difference. He’s still married and unhappy. He is Gemini with Venus in Taurus venus square Saturn natally. I was initially ok with the setup now I m hating it. I have Venus in cancer how can I forget that.

  14. Example from my life. I met my ex when I was 36 and he 30. He told me he wanted a baby. This was 2 months into our knowing each other. I thought I was *running out of time* (and likely I was) …. and so I did. He told me he didn’t want to get married. I was okay with this. I figured he would eventually. Wrong.
    This is the kind of example I think Elsa is talking about.
    If a man tells you he doesn’t want to get married, believe him.

    I struggled and struggled because I had a baby with a man not committed to me. And it didn’t work out for other reasons. He later told me “I told you I didn’t want to get married.” And a male friend said to me “If a guy tells you that believe him.”

    I’m 44 and never been married. Likely because I spent all my time with guys like this. BUT — I had my own intimacy/commitment issues and deep ambivalence so it’s not a 1-way street.
    Now that I have worked through those things more I can say that those men are on my radar and I steer absolutely clear.

  15. Like CapDB said, “I have my own intimacy/commitment issues and deep ambivalence”. It took lots of therapy to figure out why I kept choosing men who said they didn’t want commitment, and yet I bellied up to the bar. I have Venus in Virgo– picky, picky! But my Scorpio Moon in the 7th is the apex of a t-square with Uranus/Chiron. There was a certain comfort in the torture. Venus Virgo won twice, but then… Uranus/Moon… divorce twice.
    Now I’m 58 and have been single 10 years. I do want companionship. I have no idea if I want to get married. Not sure men make good caregivers anyway (despite Soup’s story… she married a one-in-a-million), and women generally outlive men. I guess I don’t think about that part. If I love someone, I know that I’d take care of HIM if he became ill.
    But, nowadays, if a man says he doesn’t want to get married– I see that as different than “I don’t want a commitment”. Sometimes the kids make it impossible for a man to get married later in life. They see every woman as a potential threat. I’m not talking about the kiddy kids… I’m talking about the full grown ones with their own families. They think Dad should stay single and alone, in case their inheritance is in jeopardy.

  16. My husband didn’t want to remarry after his 23 year first marriage ended. I’m met him 4-5 years later and by talking to him you would think the divorce happened last month. He’s a triple taurus including venus with a cancer ascendant. Im a triple capricorn Pisces ascendant scorpio venus that just adored him. I would ask myself ….Do you love this man even if you don’t marry and I would always say yes. However I still focused on getting myself set with or without him. Bought a house and a rental even though we were living together at the time and made plans for a future with or without him. Wouldn’t you know it, we were strolling through a jewelry store one day and he asked to see wedding rings, he wanted to deal the deal after 9 years. Who knew a stubborn goat can out wait a raging bull!!

    • The man in my life has Taurus Sun and Cancer ascendant … with Moon and Mars In Aquarius conjunct my Venus and Gemini Mercury and Venus conjunct my Moon and opposite my Sun! Can’t make this stuff up !! …. As much air as I see in this man …. the chatty flirtatious Gemini and the detached cerebral genius drama hating Aquarius …. the Bull is never far from the surface. Taurus will take their time and are far more placid than raging …unless you wave the red fabric …. and a Cancer rising values nothing more than a safe secure home and money in the bank…which sounds like you provided him with the house and the rental and being self sufficient.

  17. To be honest, marriage is overrated. A legal document is not going to make someone remain in love with you, force them to stay by your side or financially improve your status. I have witnessed the complete opposite in so many people’s lives destroyed & who wish they had never gotten married nor had children who indirectly suffered from the failed marriage the most. I firmly believe that true love is free never forced, smothered nor dictated by some archaic indoctrinated institution.

    • Reading this, I thought you wrote about my life!

      I m in a relationship like this for the last 6 years.
      We connect so wellll but at the same time it has started to become a big pain.
      I m in conflict, can’t be in, can’t be out!

      Natal venus in cancer
      Venus square neptune (2 deg orb)

    • I agree … I have never married by choice ..and although I know I have met the man with whom I will grow old … I have no idea if that connotes marriage or if we just continue as is … We fell in love as business colleagues turned partners and have both accumulated much wealth. So it’s not like either of us are seeking “security” other than having the companion playmate now that we can afford to play and have fun!! He will want to marry me … I think…and I am not opposed to it because t would make him happy and our lives wouldn’t change! We both have enough Gemini Aquarius and Sagittarius in us to give one another plenty of space …and continue to have enough professional dimensions that travel will be required and most of our lives will not change! I think it just makes a difference in which stage of life one marries and for what choice. I must admit he is the most fascinating and brilliant man I have ever known!

  18. My whole life, until I went through a divorce five years ago, I thought marriage was about love, but it’s not. It’s actually a legal contract binding you to any financial decisions made by the other person during the marriage, whether you know about what they’re doing or not, at least in California. And worse, it’s not mentioned in the documents you sign when you get married, which should in and of itself throw the contract out of court. If the wedding vows actually included what you are legally binding yourself to, since it’s not mentioned in the paperwork, no one would get married. So I totally get why someone who has been through a divorce wouldn’t want to do it again. The only legal contract in existence where the terms aren’t mentioned in the contract.

    • Funny you say that, because I don’t understand how young people get married without understanding the legal ramifications of marriage. Generally most people only find this out when they get divorced. It’s another reason I am always surprised at these articles in personal finance where they talk about how to manage money in a marriage and how to split the bills. You never see a writer who comes out and says it doesn’t really matter how you manage your money and in what accounts. Legally, unless you have a prenup it is all a marital asset which is the property of both parties.

  19. My girlfriend once said to me (highly pregnant) that she was afraid og marrying the father to her baby, because she was afraid it would “mess” with their relationship (…)

    I said to her: Girl – you’re having a BABY together. I don’t think it can be more messed up than that!
    I thought she was funny but I see her point. Marriage *does* something to people and relationships.

    I lived together with a man for 6 years only to find out he cheated with my girlfriend. On paper it was the ideal mariage potential. In reality it was the most bitter break-up I’ve ever had, especially after I was the one realizing his cheating.

    Now I’m together with a strong man who has been there through the bad times too. We’re talking about marriage, but we are prone to disagree about EVERYTHING (Scorpio/Taurus stelluim).

    Man… I don’t know?
    We would probably never get to the wedding ceremony anyway because we were fighting all the way on our way there!

  20. Uggggh. I’ve wasted 9 years of emotion on somebody like that. But instead of being honest and upright, they totally play with my heart. For that reason, I ended things a couple of years ago but as it turns out, it is still an ongoing saga as they popped up in my life three months ago and it has completely messed my head up ever since. I will say the bitterness resulting from this cuts like a dull blade and I have to make some tough choices here soon. See, I know logically this relationship is going nowhere and I’m even hard-pressed to call it a relationship but–something inside, in spite of it all, harbors a tiny flame of hope. Stupid, I know. Synastry helps realize dreams or crushes them. In this case, it’s the latter. ?

  21. One aspect about this dynamic has always troubled me is the how some men will stay in a relationship when they know the woman is really hoping to marry them and they don’t to. It’s unkind. Yes the woman is an adult and should know better, but so should he!

  22. my cousin is in this situation right now. she has venus in pisces at about 5° in her 12th house. the man also has venus in pisces about 10°, no idea what house. they’ve been together for 8 years and he says he’s never getting married, but she keeps holding out hope.

    i think that when saturn goes into pisces in a couple years that things will come to a head and either they’ll get married or they’ll break up. she’s a pisces rising with saturn in pisces, so i’m guessing break up, but we will see i guess.

  23. American woman….American man….What a mentality…I happen to read pretty often your comments here and this time I want to express my opinion, even though I KNOW everybody will blame me. I am not American and I have a different mentality about marriage. It is commitment, it is serious, it is hard work, it is confronting your own demons through your partner who manifest them and who sleeps with you in the same bed, it is responsibility and compromise. IT IS NOT FUN.

      • I’m addressing those who stay away from commitment; by reading those comments, men as well women don’t want to marry because this is serious stuff and they look for FUN. My daughter is like that – she’s 40 and wants to have more fun. It’s a matter of maturity as well. I’m a Taurus….

  24. I’m the opposite – Venus, sun & mercury in sag – I never wanted to marry any of my men. I only married my current husband for administrative reasons because I wanted him to continue living with me in my country, not me in his. Otherwise I never would have married. He was cool with that. We don’t have kids and don’t agree with marriage as we see it as a patriarchal institution. Our relationship is the same only we have a small gold ring. I can’t see what the urgency to marry is. People can still leave you or behave terribly even if you’re married. If you make a will you can get half or whatever you both agree you are entitled to if he dies. I suppose if he leaves, then financially it might be a problem. I never wanted to tie myself to anyone but I have eventually. Luckily my husband is cool so we continue to stay together. He has a stellium in Sag.

    • You guys have simpatico with all those Sag planets. All those Sag planets must make for a union based on shared beliefs and devotion to freedom and continued adventure.

  25. My Aries Venus is retrograde. I’ve been married/divorced twice and have no desire to get married again. I no longer think a legal marriage is the pinnacle of commitment. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over six years (we live together); he asked me to marry him several times, but I said no. He has a lot of baggage (crazy ex-wife and even crazier adult son, plus financial stuff), and I just don’t want to be legally responsible for what he does.

  26. I can’t help but think that if the man loves the woman (as in this example), he would want to do something that would make her infinitely happy! It’s just a piece of paper. Seems selfish he couldn’t just give that to her. But he was clear, so…

    They are just wrong for each other.

  27. I have been in such a relationship (unmarried) for decades with a man. I’m fine with it. We live together and are committed. I think of us as “married without papers.”

    My partner has sun, moon, mercury in Aquarius.
    I have sun, jupiter, venus in Aquarius.

    • I wanted to add that my reason for not wanting the paper was to not have to give up half of my assets if he left me. But I am leaving my money to him if I die. It’s a control thing for me, I guess.

      I think the concept of marriage for him was something that would have made him feel less free. He probably doesn’t want to feel owned.

  28. Great topic! I was with a man who did NOT make it clear he did not want to marry although he was VERY CLEAR about no children. This was in my early 30’s and I didn’t want kids either. I wasted 6 years in this relationship. It was compared to other relationships I was in stable, had chemistry, not abusive, etc… I had to ask him point blank do you want to marry me after 6 years because I am direct and nothing from him. He said “marriage to me never crossed his mind after 6 years”… I packed my bags and left a perfectly good relationship when most women would continue milking it until they found their next lover. After things ended with this person I now institute the 2 yr rule on all future relationships. That means if a person hasn’t mentioned or talked about marrying you after 2 yrs the chances of them doing so get slimmer so best to break up, even if you love this person…yes breakup. I realize this won’t apply to young lovers out if high school or college necessarily…but for older people don’t waste time on some stupid relationship like this if you want marriage. I cut off my last relationship which was at best meh…because it reached the 2 yr mark after many breakups and makeups. He offered to get back with me and I was like nah. Again, nothing wrong but I knew it wouldn’t lead to marriage. I even loved this person a little but I knew I would never get what I wanted so I left. I envy those who know how to play the love game and can be Machiavellian because I only know how to be simple, direct, and honest and this only gets you a lifetime of pain.

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