Husband Tells Her To Get Sex Elsewhere: Pisces Woman / Aries Man


Dear Elsa,

I wrote to you in February about an issue I was having with my husband concerning our sex life (or complete lack thereof). For a while, things were better. But now we’re worse than where we were before! Instead of once or twice a month, we might — and I stress ‘might’ — have sex once a quarter!

His solution to this problem isn’t counseling or a check-up at the doctors. Instead he’s given me the option of filling that need elsewhere. His only stipulation is that I not become emotionally involved with my lovers.

He is the most anti-Aries I’ve ever met! Not one of my other male Aries friends would even consider sharing their mate with other men. I have quit trying to get him to see sex from my point of view and I’ve accepted that this IS his problem now. I am seriously considering taking him up on this offer.

What the hell is going on with him? And am I just risking the fire by leaping into someone else’s arms?

Fishy in the Sea

Dear Fishy,

Actually you have written me for more than two years with this same issue so I know a few things about you not mentioned in your post. I know you have kids, for example. I know you want to keep your family together. I know you are very comfortable with sex, talking about sex, etc. And I know you have tried everything under the sun and been inordinately patient with your husband considering your fairly strong drives, and now it comes to this!

I have wondered what might underlie your husband’s lack of interest in sex, if anything. I’ve wondered if he had another lover. I have wondered if he had another woman or if he might be a closet homosexual.

But I am guessing this is not the case, based on your close attention to this over an extended period of time. Basically I figure he’s not screwing you and if he were screwing someone else, you’d be on to this by now. So that only leaves one explanation: he is simply not interested.

Now whether he is not interested because he has a low sex drive or due some other reason (drink or drug abuse), I don’t know. But at this point he is making it abundantly clear he does not want to meet your needs (OUCH). And he’s giving you this option and we have to assume he means it.

Now there are indications in his chart he would be comfortable in an open/experimental relationship. And on his Aries… well, Aries in interested in the thrill of the chase, and less interested in what is right there on offer. So I would not be so sure he is atypical. He is also telling you what it’s going to be, which is very alpha. He wants to control the situation! You are not allowed “emotional attachment”.

So there is your Aries Cardinality, but that aside, what it comes down to at this point is what do you want?

I don’t get the idea you want to go outside your marriage for sex. And though I think you have total clearance to do so at this point, I wonder if to do so would be serving yourself… or serving him and sacrificing yourself in typical Pisces fashion. You know. “This is not what I want, but it’s what he wants so I’ll do it…”

So this is what you need to figure out. Do you want to screw this or that guy and then go home and pretend to be married? Or is this just more of the same, where the same from my perspective is this: you are in a marriage where you are oppressed. Your husband withholds sex, which you need quite desperately. He refuses to meet your needs and causes your egregious pain and suffering.

Now he wants to escalate the situation and you get my drift. I’d leave the bastard, because I don’t like his game. But I appreciate the intricacy and delicacy of your situation, having kids involved and so forth. It is some fine pain you’re in.

So to answer your question – I’d say if you want some other guy, by all means have him. If you don’t, then don’t. But don’t do it because he says to! And if you do go out there, personally I hope you get emotionally involved up to your eyeballs! And I hope this helps you get to feeling better about yourself, and heals you to the point where you can leave your husband and spend your life with a man willing to touch you for godsakes.

Good luck.



Husband Tells Her To Get Sex Elsewhere: Pisces Woman / Aries Man — 10 Comments

  1. I have to agree with Elsa on this one. This isn’t a marriage, and what’s the point in pretending that it is one?

    As for keeping the family together, your kids model their relationships on the ones they observe in their family. I personally wouldn’t want my children only knowing such a dysfunctional relationship as their primary model for marriage.

    You deserve to have your needs fulfilled, and your kids deserve to see both their parents living in ways that support who they are–whether that’s living like a monk or being happily loved and supported in a functional relationship.

    Best of luck, Fishy.

  2. Good Call Elsa…
    There is so much I would like to add…but will withhold. There must be more to Pisces woman’s needs than sex. Emotional needs are not being met etc…

    The tension certainly must be present in the home with this conflict. Unmet Needs. Children seeing disconnected parents is not a good example for a relationship model.

    Personally, I am not an advocate for staying in a unhappy marriage for the sake of the children. The unspoken things they are learning from unhappy parental relations will also influence their future relationships…usually not for the better.

    You may not see this until they grow up and become married. They will have learned to ignore important signals…and then wonder why their mates are unhappy. IMHO, this is where the collateral damage is often visible when people stay unhappily married for the kids’ sake.

    Having your personal needs met as much as possible and meeting his needs are really important for the health of the marriage. I seriously doubt going outside of the marriage will be healthy food in the long run.

    P.S. I am wondering if both people really want out but do not want to be the bad guy. Good Luck!

  3. Fishy, would you even consider leaving him over this? (leaving someone is a big deal – and I would not want to jump to the conclusion that because there is no sex the marriage is unhappy as a whole) Does he know you might? Would this change his perspective on things? I just can’t get the fact he’s not interested in sex – I’m so sorry for you. Hope you find a way out.

  4. There’s an assumption being made that kids are doomed to repeating poor social skills w/no personal insight. Let’s give kids a little credit here! Sure, some of them will grow up and hit the unconscious replay button. But others will hit pause and gain some important self knowledge. We’ve already seen a lot of young people on Elsa’s blog who are doing exactly that 🙂

    There’s also an insinuation here that the only important people children can learn social relationship skills from are their parents. It’s true in some cases, but I believe that siblings, extended family members, close friends (adult and children) or employees like a live-in nanny or even teacher, religious leader etc all have the potential to make a very positive and influential difference to a child’s development as long as they are active enough in a child’s life. Any type of emotional closeness w/another family unit or caring adult can directly teach a child alternative models of relating to others, especially if the party in question is from another culture/generation.

  5. Thank you very much, Elsa! The biggest part of this that I needed was to see that perhaps he’s not atypical. I couldn’t wrap my head around ANYONE being so at ease with this decision. (Or maybe anyone else being as at ease as I’ve become with this…)

    Before, when I’d talked to you last, many of my other needs were not being met. Much therapy and lots of talking to my Aries later, they now are. He touches me, tells me I’m beautiful, spoils me rotten, talks to me (hell, we have date nights now!)The only thing I’m not getting now is sex.

    And I’m happy for the first time in a really long time. The extra sex…well, we’ll see how that goes. I amazingly like the option, FOR ME, not because he told me to go do it. (Much different girl from a couple of years ago, I think ;-))

    Would I leave, yeah, I thought about it, seriously thought about it, but for now, we’ll see if this works. Unconventional, yes, I know, and definitely not for everyone.

    You’re awesome, Elsa. This is what I needed to hear. 🙂 I’ll keep you updated.

  6. okay, this is emotional manipulation and abuse, pure and simple. he’s withholding sex/affection/emotional connection, and *dictating* to you the precise terms under which you are allowed to have these things. like he somehow has the power to do that! WTF?

    i’m with Elsa – i don’t like his game. and also i hope you find satisfying emotional envolvement with someone who is willing to give you what you deserve without trying to control you in the process.

    and as for the kids? speaking as a child who had parents who stayed together for my sake, we (children) aren’t dumb. we can see the emotional and physical distance between our parents, and it makes us easily as miserable as you are – the single biggest emotion i felt when my parentss said they were getting divorced was relief.

  7. I had the same problem. Turned out he was a peeping Tom. The police had set up surveillance after a woman complained he was regularly outside her window. He’s harmless, but he separated that part of his life from his “real” life with me. I wasted my horniest years with him. Get out now, lady.

  8. I’m afraid I agree. You’ve gotten (some) of what you want, but you’re compromising a huge part of yourself. Having a lot of Pisces myself, I can say that sometimes we’re not even aware we’re doing it until we get seriously burned. The sweet girl with the rose-colored glasses wants believe it’s OK, I think. (Excuse my Aries-like forwardness)

    It is interesting to hear about an Aries/Pisces relationship. I’m an Aries with lots of Pisces, so it’s like seeing serious issues played out with parts of myself which cannot be fully reconciled.

    I have a friend who is a Pisces who has an Aries husband. They have their issues and like your story, the Aries man can be insulting and bring out the doormat qualities of the Piscean. He’d say things to her like “what have you been doing all day! Nothing! Get a job” (she’s a full-time mom with 3 little kids) and other disparaging comments that undermine her worth. Not to say that the Aries man (or woman) is always this way, and not to say that the Pisces woman (or man) is always overly compromising and doormat, but I can see how in an Aries/Pisces partnership, it would be important to make sure that the parties did not fall into these distinct and disturbing extreme categories. I seem to waffle between the two myself, and it’s a very hard “relationship” I have with myself sometimes, going from bursts of anger and over aggressiveness (Aries Shadow) and wallowing, self-sacrificing, fantasy-laden rose-colored glasses tinged with a deep melancholy.

    The key is that you have to find your center and your power and not fall onto stereotypes (esp. astrological ones!)and to realize you have an equal and important part in the relationship and you cannot live with yourself if you feel ill at ease with things. Check with yourself first.

    Sorry about the rant. I guess it made me think…


  9. AMEN, ELSA!

    “And if you do go out there, personally I hope you get emotionally involved up to your eyeballs!”

    and ‘go have sex with other men’?
    what the hell is that?
    please leave this asshole…

  10. How do I get back the man of my dreams and keep him?
    I have been living on again, off again with him now for 11 years. I love and adore him, but he likes his other women on the side. I have had a hard time keeping up with him as far as sex, and I know that this has had a lot to do with our relationship. He is 50 years old and I am 56. I truly love this man and I am having a hard time living without him. I know that he still loves me, because he always finda a way of keeping me hanging on or around him. For example, a lot of his belongings are still at my house. He can’t commit to me, but it’s like he doesn’t want to let go either. Do I stay away from him with no contact whatsoever, so that maybe he will see that he can’t live without me either. He is always finding excuses to call me. Do I not answer the phone to him anymore? Please help me with some strong sound advice, as I want this man back in my life for forever. Thanks

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