uzmi writes on Defending Your Relationship From The Other Woman:
“I definitely agree, you have to defend your relationship. but I’d love examples because I’m not quite sure what works best to prevent such attacks. Is it body language, glares, what exactly? All hints & tips please! what do you do when women blatantly look a man up & down, short of violence? …not that I’m averse to that but cant always get away with it .”
uzmi, there are women who get cheated on repeatedly and women who are never cheated on. This is not accidental. It starts with your choice of man, I’d say. If you choose a man with a history of cheating, chances are he’s going to cheat on you as well.
Also, are you loyal yourself? Are you honest about what you want in a relationship, what you expect and where you lines are?
I think infidelity is so common, it’s important that you state what you are looking for. So many women are scared of men. They’re so freakin’ desperate they ask nothing of a man and this is exactly what you get.
Remember that like attracts like but victims attract perps. The winning recipe then is to not be a victim or a perp but to be and to offer exactly what you are looking for in a relationship. If you want an open relationship, say so. If you don’t, say so.
Some of you may have to take my word here but there are plenty of men who don’t want to worry about their woman screwing around on them. There are many, many, many men like that. In fact, MOST men are like that and if you’re not meeting them, you’re in the wrong place with the wrong crowd and you are the on in a position to change that.
As for glaring at people, I don’t find this necessary. Like a rapist can pick an easy victim, in most cases people know who is committed to their relationship and who is not. For example, men write me on facebook all the time, casting about. I don’t play. I see it as someone trying to penetrate my relationship and wave it off. Good boundaries, see? I only deal with people who respect my marriage and while there are some who do not, there is no shortage of people who do.
As for a woman blatantly looking at your man, that is is not a woman, it’s a pig. If you are a woman and with a man who likes women, you do not have to worry about pigs. Most likely, I’d do nothing in a circumstance like that unless I was in some kind of mood in which case, I might laugh at her and point.
You get the idea. I am with the man, and I would keep my energy on the man. If he does the same, the person has no power and they’re out of there like a roach when you turn on a light.
It’s a simple recipe. You have a bond that you’re committed to maintaining and so is he. When two people lock on like that, it’s formidable and if you don’t think this is possible, look around because there are strong relationships everywhere, all around the world.
How do you defend your relationship?
pictured – Two Lovers, Vincent Van Gogh, 1888
“He always says he would never put our relationship in jeopardy by bothering with other women and I trust him!”
Yes, and there are a lot of men like this – LOTS of them and I think there are a many women who simply don’t realize this.
One of the most amazing things I read in that post was how women”target” married men. There is nothing said about married men chasing women. I have been a married man’s mistress for 7 years. Let me tell you something I wanted nothing to do w/ a married man. I am a very independent bohemian artist. He chased me and courted me and his wife well, I doubt she even cares. Every saturday night he’s with me. Also he comes by almost everyday after work for tea and a quickie. Or just to help me around the house. I have 2 children. He’s also met my parents.By the way this is a very common practice in Europe, but in good old puritanical USA, you can only have one kind of relationship,There are a whole lot of people cheating out there. Because there is no way to leave a marriage without committing financial suicide. We love each other deeply.I have no need to have a piece of paper for either a marriage or a divorce. Guess what? There might be a whole lot of women who “target” married men. But I would bet a lot of money that there are a whole lot more married men out there”targeting” women. As for me I’ll wear the scarlet letter happily. I love how the women in this country always want to burn a witch.Like men have no responsibility and are helpless under a woman’s spell.What utter crap.Grow up.
Hi Hester! Welcome =) & hey… wow! What an entrance. Gotta be some Fire somewhere!!
OMG Mckenna how right you are! Leo, sadge asc.
sadge moon, Venus in leo, uranus in leo, my saturn in sadge. As the immortal Beavis and Butthead would say, “Fire! Fire!” Love this website, Elsa rocks!
at least this made me laugh this morning reading this 😀
always good to smile once or twice a day 😀
Well, Hester said it with the words “independent” and “bohemian”.
Regarding other women: there are those who don’t want a committed relationship, just the fringe bennies. And then I think there are people out there who are so frightened of losing their independence (would need to see the fire in the chart) or so wounded (what’s happening with chiron) by what previous relationships have been they like being in an other woman position. There’s also the thrill of doing something naughty and/or rebelling (bohemian – fire and air, what’s happening with aries, leo, sag, gemini, mercury and uranus?) against what society’s norms and expectations are. An “I’ll do as I wish”. There may also be a strong sex drive with a dash of mistrust because no one’s earned the right to be trusted (mars, pluto, scorpio).
I also think that soulmates and meant-to-be love have to be added in here. Many people settle in their relationships with the wrong person. There’s always the chance that the right person will come along. Then all bets are off. If neither of you are settling, you have a much better chance of defending your relationship because you already have exactly what you want. And most likely neither of you is looking.
I have to say i think it’s the men who pursue this, atleast in my experience. I’ve had one married man hit on me, saying he had an “open” relationship and she didn’t mind. Well. I mind!!!! Boundaries assface.
Plenty of married men FLIRT. It’s DISGUSTING, and i’m not interested.
Thanks Elsa. Great site.
I have seen a wife win her husband back from another gal and here’s how she did it.
I think I should say that this was not one of those “so-called” marriages where there isn’t any sexual activity. Personally, I don’t see how you call it marriage if you don’t have sex together.
The man and this gal began an affair, and it became public knowledge in this small town.
Suddenly, they began to turn up together, all three, at functions and parties. They would sit together, front and center, most conspicuously.
The wife treated the gal as a sister, with love and respect. I remember she had a very bland, calm way about the whole thing.
Ofcourse, you realize this punctured the balloon of emotional excitement that comes with having a secret affair, along with putting a big fat cork in the gossip bottle. That was one smart woman.
The affair ended, and seeing how she’d dealt with it scared off the type of gals who like to have a secretive relationship with a man, who like the thrill of stealing something from someone else.
Am I missing something here? I thought Elsa’s original post on this topic, as well as this followup, are basically making the point that women are NOT responsible for their man’s cheating behavior. That’s on them. A woman’s only responsibility is to make sure she doesn’t choose a cheater if she doesn’t want to be cheated upon, and also to bounce the cheater from her life when he cheats if she doesn’t want to be a victim. There’s no saving these men from themselves. Heater’s experience makes that point clear.
That should be Hester, not Heater. Stupid autocorrect. Tho the nickname kinds fits her!
Thanks for this Elsa, much appreciated.
I get it. I’ve thought about this quite a lot & its so true, its really about the foundation of a relationship, the history you’ve built & what you’ve put into it.
I know & admit I messed up on my one important relationship from the start on these points – miscommunications, getting into it without knowing what i really wanted & it taking me months to figure it out. If it hadnt been for that I wouldnt have had any reason to get bothered by random strangers. So i definitely wouldnt be doing that again. it helps sink in better when you lay it out so clearly.
also true: v important to be with the right TYPE of person for you eg. 5th hs vs 8th hs.
Em– thanks for everything you wrote. It hits home.
I would put myself in the Chirotic/Plutonic category I think, at least at the moment. I’ve taken myself out of play for healing and redefining on the light side, some petulant “can’t have me” withdrawal on the dark side (V/Sat/P in Scorp).
But what you wrote, and a few other things I have been pondering on lately are making me rethink the idea of “soulmates,” which I totally disowned when I was younger. I am always surprised by the themes of Saturn cycles– they are never what I think they will be– and maybe a responsibility to owning up to your soulmate if you meet him/her is involved here. Maybe we have a responsibility to not settle.
(I mention bc as I tell people often, I’m in the middle of Pluto conj Sun transit and I met someone whose pluto sits on my moon/mars and our junos are in each others’ moon signs. Talk about chemistry.)
Sorry for getting so off-topic. I feel like these issues are all rather bound up for me– cheating partners, loyalty, boundaries, protecting relationships, relationships and defining them. Sorting one out requires dealing with the many at once.
In order to have intercourse, a man usually must be asked to enter.
Don’t give jerks permission to enter you. Simple.
I agree with Elsa and it’s all I’ve seen growing up. My parents defend their boundary and love each other. I only hang out with Rob at work because it’s clear he loves his wife. I like the boundary because then I can be friends with the awesome sag/scorp at work. I had a scorp/sag at my old job. 😀
What do I want with a married man???? I’ve only ever met available monogomous types of men and have not been cheated on. There was a gray zone of being single and sleeping with the lying ex ex but I was foolish and let it happen.
My family – we are catholics who like sex – so there’s never been any message of withholding.. in fact the opposite.. when my brother was having problems in his marriage and his wife wouldn’t put out we thought it a bad sign.. she went to therapy and eventually tapped back in sexually and they’ve been good. Had another child from it. 🙂
I agree. There are plenty of honest men and women out there who want to commit to their partner and relationship and keep the bond strong whilst not having to worry about being cheated on. Not only they know something good when they see it yet they have the ability to believe they deserve it (if even a little) and have also the ability to keep the good thing.
This ability is developed mostly in the family of origin in childhood yet I think we all have it inside us (i.e. our souls) yet our earlier experiences make it hard to remember this.
I’ve been cheated on when younger at least once (by my first boyfriend – what a traumatic experience) and I think of two exes who I couldn’t say 100% if they remained faithful.
Once I was able to like much myself more and started to choose better men to date with (in my mid/late 30s) I have not been cheated on, and I think it is unlikely that I will as my husband and I are the kind that value what we have. Big time.
My father has a womanising vibe to him (he at least cheated once before my parents finally divorced.) As a young child I picked up on some energy when he was around women that I don’t know if he cheated then too. He is a pathological liar (had tons of trauma before age 5, not an excuse but an explanation of why he needs a false self) so I bet my impressions were right and he did!
His influence and emotional absence did have a big impact on me coupled with that first boyfriend experience. Luckily the wound healed enough to turn around some bad dating patterns.
My mother developed some good self-esteem in the end and divorced him when in her fifties.
My husband’s parents adored each other while they lived so he has a good sense of what a good marriage feels and looks like. He has been a good inspiration.
I defend my relationship via responsibility and commitment (saturn), sharing beliefs and ideals (jupiter) and acting out my scorpio rising/8th house energies (mars, pluto) sometimes via some healthy jealousy. He is a taurus with sag rising and is not jealous but he is still flattered when I occasionally become a bit jealous. I keep it strong with objective communication (gemini) and trying to make sure we each gets many of our needs met(moon.)