How Do You Deal With Passive Aggressive People?

“It’s like being Chris Rock,” I told my husband. “You’re standing there trying to do your job and you have one bastard that constantly heckles you. Obviously you have to get rid of the person. You’re at your job and someone comes up to you says, gee you look angry. You’re so angry today.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, they say gee. You really ought to do something about that anger of yours…”

“At that point, I’d punch the son of a bitch,” he said.

“Yeah and when you do they say, see! See that anger of yours?  That’s passive aggressive. I hate dealing with them. They go around pissing people off and acting innocent. You just want to knock them to kingdom come.”

“If someone ever did that to me I’d put my fist through their face and that would be the end of it…”

Liz Greene wrote about someone like this in one of her books. The guy knocks on her door late at night, wanting to have a conversation about this or that… peace. She says no and he tells her she is an angry person. She really ought to do something about the anger she is carrying around.

My friend, Ben told me once that he’d found he could deal with pretty much anyone. “Whatever their problem, I can deal with it except the passive aggressive. “Those people, I just cannot stand.”

How do you deal with a passive aggressive person? How do you think this kind of trolling would show up in a chart?


Comments

How Do You Deal With Passive Aggressive People? — 82 Comments

  1. I do have the passive aggressive potential, I hav a libra moon/asc, cancer sun, neptune in scorpio first house and gemini in 8th, I may come across as placid and people pleasing but only now is that geniuine peace, in tha past, I was a volcano, seemingly extinct, yet actually just dormant and letting the pressure build till i erupted, hey I also have mars uranus in 10th house leo, that eruptions had to be dramatic and publiC! I am safe from that now though and so is everyone around me 🙂 It took me a while to realise that keeping the peace and others happy, was just avoiding myself and disrespecting the biggest gift we are given in this life, our own life and needs to be honouring that gift and that we are all perfect as intended!

  2. *think I cleared my post on this accidentally; 2nd time today I had lost data on the pc ugh

    Can’t. I simply discontinue dealing with ppl who engage in passive-aggressive crap. My direct nature is the inverse. Plus my childhood spent watching ppl utilize this ineffective mechanism solidified my distaste for it. Simply cannot stand it.

    My ex fiance is well-off and professionally successful. I ended a relationship where I would be set for life BECAUSE I saw a pattern of this p-aggr crap over 11 months. One day, I was wearing a plether (?) jacket, and Mr. Superficial p-aggr says, “Remember my friend,X, we went to dinner the other night and he was so proud of this new jacket he wore but I don’t think it was leather.” WHO GIVES A S***?! LET YOUR FRIEND BE HAPPY AND JUST SHARE. AND, JERK, I KNOW YOUR SUPERFICIAL A** IS REFERENCING MY NON-LEATHER. So damn insecure. Needed validation constantly. Every EVERY facet of his life was like this. Dropped him. Bye. Ignore his texts. Can’t. Rather die than spend 10 mins w/ him. Just thinking about it disgusts me. /end rant ugh

  3. @ariesgal

    “Well I have a debilitated mars in Taurus and I’m absolutely sure I am not passive aggressive. ”

    Mars in Taurus here too, plus in the 7th. It is directly in partnerships/relationships that I LEAST tolerate p-aggr crap – and I really feel it has to do w/ this placement. Mars in Taurus will pick something to stand their ground on. I think we have a good placement. Feel like it gives conviction, which is lacking in the passive aggr nature. Notice how passive aggr people aren’t those self-examining types? Well, conviction demands self-examination; without self-examination, all the internal crap is flaccidly ‘passed on’. Blargh! /moves on; sorry all for my double rant

  4. I have mars in pisces and I am absolutely NOT passive aggressive. If I’m angry I cry or pray about it. I am also a cap and I don’t think its useful to blame others. It’s a waste of time!

  5. I don’t give them what they want. I’ve learned that’s the best way to win in this kind of situation. I was antagonized most of my life until I learned that all these people wanted was a reaction from me. When I stopped reacting I stopped attracting these instigators. It’s sucks to have to put up a wall but it’s a practice in self control which is important for me. Sun conj pluto. Control over myself has been a constant theme in my life.

  6. ummmm Stellium Scorpio here. I am aggressive. Not passive aggressive. I wont dare lie and say I don’t have the ability to be manipulative. But, so can anyone. I will call a passive aggressive to the carpet. I hit that straight on. I love my Pisces husband, but he wrote the book on passive aggressive. He could teach a class in it. In the beginning he would pull that shit and I would rise up. We don’t play that anymore…. He is good to the core but he could sell passive aggressive instruction books!

  7. This is my coworker. She acts like a soft spoken angel-until she flies off the handle because she’s ‘offended’. After her tantum at work, the next morning she was still raving like a lunatic. I told her to settle the F down it wasn’t worth getting fired for. She told me that the only reason I wasn’t standing up to the boss was because I have no moral fiber and I was just kissing his ass for a paycheck. You don’t get to say that to me and pretend like we’re buddies. I would have retorted but I think the cops would have been called. I have a stellium in cancer so I just retreated into the shell. I haven’t spoken ten words to her since. With a south node and Neptune in Scorpio there won’t be any forgiveness either until she admits what she did was wrong and apologizes, which isn’t going to happen.

  8. I work w a professional passive aggressive. I ignore her –just say hi and keep moving. She’s from the northwest region of the country if it matters.

  9. I had a husband who MASTERED this.Then I learned to call his bluff. I turned the “sarcastic digs” back on him with the help of Thich Nhat Hanh, Uber Zen Master.

    Read his book on Anger.
    Basically, he asks that we OWN rather than SHAME our anger, an emotion as natural as love, joy etc.
    Women in particular are scorned for expressing anger.

    He says to treat Anger like a crying baby in the next room.
    You run to see what’s wrong. Wet,cold, hunger?? You pick up the baby, cradle it in your arms and attend to its distress until the crying stops. If it does NOT, could it be some more seriously wrong? Is an ant biting? is there a rash? should you get a doctor’s opinion?

    Thank you Elsa for this dialogue that we can share.

    THAT BOOK SAVED MY LIFE!!

    YES the hell I am a WOMAN and I am ANGRY…justifiable so…now who wants to HELP me fix my situation??

    Watch the damm cowards RUN FOR THE HILLS.
    Those who truly love and care for you will “comfort the crying baby”

  10. your friend Ben is correct. That passive aggressiveness chasing you all over the place, knocking on your doorstep, bothering you, even when they clearly aren’t welcomed. That’s really bad. The only way is to call the authorities and put them in jail, that’s if you get a restraining order. And if they keep breaking that, they get a criminal record for bothering, pestering people. i think only someone in power can put then in their place.

  11. What about passive-aggressiveness on Facebook?

    Someone who won’t confront you to your face in real life goes on Facebook to talk shit about you WITHOUT CALLING YOU OUT BY NAME. Then all their little friends (who have never met you!!) jump on the dogpile and agree heartily that you’re a shithead who needs their ass beat!

    • @blue_rose, report them for harassment? doesn’t facebook have that kind of thing where they know your ip address and can block you and take away your privilege?

      • Didn’t know you could do that. Only thing is…if someone rants on FB but doesn’t call out a specific person by name, they could just say “How do you know I’m talking about so-and-so anyway??” And you wouldn’t have a leg to stand on cause they didn’t mention any names.

        • i did read on a few psychology links that PA is immature, emotionally-stunted way to assert your aggression. That assertiveness is a skill and PA can really destroy people in an office-politics situation too. it makes the person feel more powerful too. in the long run, it only gives the person lack of healthier relationships with anyone. probably just shrug it off and let them be. theres not much you can do.

      • ST and I have done the copy/paste for someone we know (because the passive-aggressive rangers on FB tend to delete their post after a couple of days so it disappears.

        I’m not on FB anymore, but ST is. He confronted one of these PA types after it was clear who they were talking about (one of his caregivers). They responded along the lines if “Who are you to say anything?! Why is it any of your business? You don’t know I’m talking about.”

  12. It is kind of interesing because I just basically cut someone out of my life because of this; almost a year to the day we became friends. She is a Cancer Sun/Moon. She was irritated I didn’t change my kid’s kindergarten schedule to align with her kid’s schedule, and then she got angry that I was always busy with my husband and children and their activities ever since the start of the school year. When I sensed there was an issue a few months ago, I asked her directly if we were okay, she told me everything was fine, but then she would do little things like hold my kid’s toys hostage at her house, or make passive aggressive comments about my new ‘schedule’. On Halloween she tried telling me what MY plans for Halloween were going to be (trick or treating with her kid and people I didn’t know), as well as what I would be wearing, what neighborhood we would be going to…and that was when I told her that it was not okay, and I would be making my own plans that worked for me, and not her. She didn’t like that, and used that as a chance to poke at me some more. I finally told her I don’t think she understood or listened when I tried talking to her before, and I since we were friends, I would have expected her to understand and take me for my word when I would tell her how busy my life currently was and I see her and her kid when I can. I haven’t really heard from her since, and I cannot bring myself to say anything else…I especially don’t think I should apologize. My husband said he noticed a huge change in me since my schedule became so crowded and I stopped seeing her as regularly as I used to; he said I was more upbeat and not as negative about things, and it really made me think about my (ex)friend and her influence on me…her husband travels regularly, she doesn’t have a healthy relationship with him, she makes him sleep on the couch so her kid can sleep in the same bed as her, plus she spoils her kid rotten and I mean ROTTEN…I never did those things, but I think I can see how her attitude may have rubbed off on me from time to time. I don’t know, I’m getting off topic here, but…I can’t deal with passive aggressive. I am not a bitch but I am a direct female most of the time, and I have come to avoid/cut out passive aggressive types from my life. I don’t need that energy.

  13. My housemate is PA. He has a debilitated Mars opposite Saturn. With his Sun in Libra, comes across all nice as pie. Very prideful and arrogant and at the same time complains about everything.Has been genuinely victimised in the past and I’ve seen him play the victim to avoid taking action and avoid responsibilities. I get the flare of anger & my heart races in response to his racist and bigoted conversations even though he is a migrant. Expects the kitchen to be immaculate at all times but never cooks. Watched tv all night and sleeps all day. We keep it courteous with “good morning” but do not hang out together at all. He is always stuffing up the simplest things in his life and has seething anger that just oozes from him. No insight into his behavior or knows how to use his victimhood to avoid life. Blah

  14. Although I have a Sun in Libra, I don’t have a problem expressing my anger, nor am I a very tolerant person. How I react to this issue would depend on my mood at that moment – most often it is something like: „OK, LOOK, WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!“ – loudly and not at all passively. This usually frightens people – I just get some mumbling, which I ignore, and that ends the episode.

  15. I liked your husband’s way of thinking but then my moon is in Scorpio.

    I got breast implants in 1987 long before it was popular in mainstream society. Friday at work, a woman who has given me hell on earth at work made a very mean comment about them saying I was misrepresenting my body as they were fake (uh, I still have breast tissue) and they made my waist look tinier among other nasty remarks said in a very passive aggressive way. Now, me? I’m aggressive having grown up with a passive aggressive mother. I replied “I don’t judge your choice to stay as flat as pancake so don’t judge that I wanted to go from our size to looking like Jessica Rabbit. I love my implants. I love me. I love my body. I’m happy I did it. You obviously don’t love your breasts if my implants bother you. Her mouth dropped and she said “well, didn’t you tell me” and ran out of the room upset. She’s 54. I’m 57. Now I wanted to punch her but I’m at work. You want to call me out, you better watch what mood I’m in. 95% of the time I’ve practiced what we term “planned ignore” but since she’s taking another position in two weeks, I thought I’d let it roll.

  16. The only way I can deal with that is to either call the person’s motives out – asking why is he asking me that or what is the purpose of asking me that, or removing myself totally from the situation (ignoring or not talking to the person anymore).

  17. Mars in Pisces conjunct Mercury straddling the MC. Corporate seems designed to promote the PA as a means to divide and conquer. I am generally direct in communications and honestly looking for collaborative solutions to problems…. However once I get confused- the switch flips – and SnapCracklePop – I let loose… and at that point if they want to make me out to be the bad guy- it becomes a win-win! My turn to be the a-hole.
    The echoing thing works too in a one on one situation as well…..

  18. Mars in Pisces conjunct Mercury straddling the MC. Corporate seems designed to promote the PA as a means to divide and conquer. I am generally direct in communications and honestly looking for collaborative solutions to problems…. However once I get confused- the switch flips – and SnapCracklePop – I let loose… and at that point if they want to make me out to be the bad guy- it becomes a win-win! My turn to be the a-hole.
    The echoing thing works too in a one on one situation as well…..

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