How Does The Perfect Lover Become Repulsive?

chart5Dear Elsa,

You’ve written a lot about projecting shadows on others. I’m not sure if this is the same thing, but when a person falls in love, everything about the love object seems perfect. Then after a breakup, it’s possible to become repulsed by that very same person. What’s at work here? Is it projecting a ‘shadow of admiration’ and then being hit by reality and getting angry with the other person (or ourselves), thus resulting in repulsion or resentment? I have an ex I can’t even look at anymore and he did nothing wrong!

Cancer Wondering
United States

Dear Cancer,

You just described your chart!

People can project anything under the sun onto others, good qualities as well as bad. People with oppositions in their chart and/or planets in the 7th house are especially prone.

Fact is, I don’t care who you are or how aware you are, you are going to project the qualities of your 7th house to some extent – PERIOD.

In your case you have Venus opposing Neptune which is textbook astrology for coming up with the dream lover. You also have Pluto sitting right on the descendant (7th house) so of course you wind up “repulsed” by your partner once the veil drops. The whole scenario is right there in your chart.

This means you are bound to repeat this phenomenon over and over into oblivion unless you work very hard to become conscious of what you’re doing. Awareness like this is the first step.

Good luck!

Anyone else have experience with this?

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How Does The Perfect Lover Become Repulsive? — 25 Comments

  1. Anyone else have experience with this?

    Heh. I have moon in Taurus in the 7th (in the middle), so I was quite fond of the ex-, and still am, even though I’m still pissed off at her.

    She has moon in the 7th, right on the cusp, in Capricorn. Heh. I starting being a horrible person some time before we split up and I’m still a horrible person.

    max
    [‘Such is life.’]

  2. LOL Max you make me laugh everytime with your comments.

    I think this was an excellent question and Elsa had a superb answer. I dont have anything in my 7th but my goodness do I project my poor mar-neptune conjunction. Its quite amusing, every man I fall is this wonderful musical creative being and then I realised I was projecting the good stuff that is me, my poor saturn-venus felt much better when I realised this.

  3. We fall in love with the “self” as seen through the eyes and reflection of the other. When we have “outgrown” this particular definition of the self we can often become repulsed, and believe that it’s about them…when really it is just our consciousness requiring a broader identity to expand into. To keep a long term relationship, we have to “run new film” so that we can continue to see our lover in a new and evolving light…that way they can be blessed with the warmth of our focus and encouragement on what they are becoming, not where they have been.
    Does that make sense?

  4. I’m wary when I fall in love because I’m prone to “*swoon* You’re perrrrfect .. even your faults I love . . ” (and I can see’em, virgo moon sq venus, but it venus in the 12th doesn’t matter . .)

    Generally though I’m not repulsed when I come out the other side. I might hold a grudge for a week or two, but I get over it.

  5. Projection is when one has feelings about some matter and rather than feeling them, they project that feeling elswhere. Like in jealousy or envy or blame and anger etc.

    Projective identification is when we see something in another person that we hate or love but that identification is about some aspect of ourself.

    Extractive Identification is when one sees an aspect of someone elses personality thatthey may not be aware of yet and extract that out. Perhaps one tells the person something they may learn themselves over time. At the time of the ‘extraction’ the person may feel like something has been stolen from them. Like an assault. Perhaps some psychics do this and it is necessary to deleiver-extract in the best way.

    The ‘hate’ after relational bonds are broken is the psychological attachment – at a loss. Grief/anger now fills the place that the partners presence in the psyche once filled. Attachments are very strong and once broken create very strong feelings long after the relationship has ended.

    kingsley

    kingsley

  6. Oh I project my fantasies to all hell and back (Venus trine Neptune). I agree with Elsa that once you see what you’re up to it becomes easier to grasp.

    I also have a theory that what draws us in can eventually repel us. It’s always the case with a breakup, for me…At first I love how creative and easy-going person he is, and then I’m pissed with what a lazy, careless knob he is. LOL. I’m being a bit tongue in cheek but then again, maybe not. 😉

  7. This is definitely an issue that comes up for me over and over again with my loaded 7th house & Descendant and these planets aspect just about everything else in my chart.

    With Sun-Saturn in my 7th, most of my lovers make me feel incredibly loved and secure, but eventually they end up seeming “restrictive, set-in-their-ways, boring, conservative”. My relationships often end when I start feeling “stifled and trapped” and at some point I feel the urge to take off to greener pastures… and then I have a loyalty vs freedom conflict thing going on. (opposition Jupiter-Nept in 1st house) Yes, I can see and feel these projections very acutely… and it’s still hard to accept that it’s ME not THEM. If I gotta do the work, what is the next step after “awareness”?

  8. ahah, so i’d have to say.. i find this a good question. it seems to cross my mind alot. is there anything such as the perfect loverrr? i always seem to THINK i have found them when once again im always wronggg. hmmmm? maybe they are all repulsiveee. ehhh, who reellyt cares anywaysss right? welll hay i just fould this page and it verrry intresting i find? can someone give me info about this…

  9. I’m a Virgo with the Moon in Taurus, and have Saturn in the 7th. The scenario L.C. describes is a familiar one…;)
    In my last relationship, his Saturn squared my Moon/Jupiter conjunction, and my Saturn was on his Mars, squaring his Venus/Uranus.
    My 8th house Sun was unaspected by his planets…
    Needless to say, intimacy was strained. We ended it on very good terms and remain close friends who are just relieved we’re not expected to have sex with each other!;D (Composite Pluto/11th).

  10. Little Miss Hermit – 🙂
    Same here, most of my relationships end with us being on good terms and there is still a lot of intimacy (in terms of communication, nothing physical). For me it’s hard to find someone who is PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY and MENTALLY on the same wavelength as me. There is something there that keeps us together, and in love, but there is always something missing… and I often will put up with how things are. Just go with it for the sake of not rocking the boat or ruffling any feathers. Must be a Taurus/7th house thing…

  11. I am with you kashmiri, my neptune is trine venus. I find when I look back on the relationship part of what attracted me is the “image” or fantasy of “our” future together. I also find that the type of person I am attracted to or attract has a lot to do with the place I am at in my life. Like attracts like. Then when I move out of that stage the relationship goes to crap,lol.

  12. that’s why i look for plutonian people so i can find the energy within the relationship rather than get disturbed once i come to my senses (pluto venus contact here… venus neptune, too…)

    seventh house mars… better off finding someone i can do active stuff with than having constant pointless fights.

  13. “Then when I move out of that stage the relationship goes to crap” Good GRIEF can I ever relate! Also why I like moving house and cutting my hair, changing my clothes, my route to work, etc etc etc etc etc etc…

  14. How can we love in ourselves what we end up disliking in others? It is much easier disliking that in another person dont you think? The ability the human psyche has to achieve these projections and displacements etc is truly amazing. Why do we not wish to own those parts of ourselves? The answer is that we are all very clever and just naturaly protecting the core.

  15. I always think i rarely project. Empty 7th and only one opposition (saturn/neptune in 3rd/9th).

    I guess this means i think only about myself LOL egomaniac

  16. I have my Sun Conjunct Uranus, In the 7th House in Cancer, on the cusp of Gemini/Cancer. My Venus is firmly in the 7th house as well. My relationships don’t make my Moon in Taurus in the 4th house very relaxed!

  17. My husband has Pluto in the 7th, in Libra but Virgo is on the cusp. Yes, I think he was repulsed by me and it started pretty early on too. I had no idea what was happening. He also has Uranus in the 7th in Libra. That’s a lot to comprehend and it must be difficult to live with. I’ve got R. Jupiter in Aquarius in the 7th. I found an excerpt about projecting Jupiter. I’ve always been confused about Jupiter in the 7th, so maybe this will be helpful to someone…

    “If you’re projecting your Jupiter, you’ll unconsciously get others to act out your ethics and beliefs for you. Or, you might trust others viewpoints more than your own.”

  18. That’s interesting, Shan. I have Jupiter in the 7th house. Have never been married but that is due to my baggage. I think that I project expansiveness and Jovian qualities onto potential partners 🙂

  19. I have Pluto exactly on my 7th house cusp and it’s been interesting. I’m amazed at the depth, power and mystery of the partners I attract. I want that consuming one-of-a-kind passion but find it too heavy in the end and my Sag moon seeks freer ground (never to the altar!). With two planets in Scorpio in the 8th my dates invariably have strong Scorpio placements. My Gemini Sun finds it all amusing.

  20. Why is this a bad trait? To be able to end, clean slate sounds like an individual with a destiny of varied relations without much clinging. An ability to move on.

  21. Neptune on the 7th house cusp square Venus in Pisces AND Mars in Libra? Mars is even in the 5th!

    That’s textbook astrology for a bad boy with a heavy load of issues regarding romance and idealism and mother-related bagage.

    Sheesh, glad I am not with that person anymore.
    But was fun while it lasted. You’re the princess like never before, everything is like a fairytale (that’s the fun part). Then the veil drops and suddenly you’re the scum on the earth. (That’s the not so fun part).

    That’s when they treat you like dirt they walk on, and backstab you when they’re with their friends. Thank god I had the courage to tell people the truth about his character, about the cheating and passive aggressive comments after getting out of it all.

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