I deal with death, pretty much every day. I am at an age where a lot of people you know die, I work as an astrologer, specializing in counseling people who are despairing or dealing with truly horrible things.
I also visit the hospital where I often meet people who near death, as well as their loved ones who are trying to deal with loss they know is coming. On top of this, I tend to know people who are twenty or more years older than I am. Death is real to me. With a packed 8th house, I should not be surprised.
My husband has also been around a lot of death. He always says, you never know how someone’s death will affect you. You may deal well with people dying…and then someone dies and you find yourself, knocked for a loop.
I didn’t deal well with death when I was young. I saw a lot of if until I was about 25 years old, I was pretty awful at coping with it. In hindsight, I feel ashamed at how poorly I dealt with it. After that time, no one died around me for many years. It was uncanny.
I wrote some years ago, that it had been close to fifteen years since someone died around me. It was strange, after the parade of death of my youth. I knew it wouldn’t last. So like I said, this is no surprise.
What did surprise me is how well I have been able to cope with death over the last…eight years or so. I can’t tell you why this is. It’s not anything I can define. But this week there was a death in my circle and it’s hit me hard.
It’s the deacon who married my husband and I, the second time, in the Catholic church. He was old man, not particularly well. He’s survived cancer, many years before. Overweight, diabetes..and I don’t know what else. He had trouble getting around, pain, numbness…he was sort of messed up, come to think of it. But when I talked to him, I didn’t think of it.
I didn’t think of it, because he was so funny. He laughed a lot. He was just a funny guy. And he mentioned his birth date to me, once, if you can believe that. So I know his sun was exalted in Aries , Venus exalted in Pisces, Jupiter in Sagittarius (ruler).
Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? He was married for fifty-eight years. He worked as an engineer for thirty-eight years…and then became a deacon in 1991.
My husband liked him too. He was the kind of man, my husband would have like to smoke a cigar with, and talk about theology. He married us…and then he retired less then a year ago.
He had a massive stroke a couple weeks ago. He died in his sleep last week. I find myself feeling sadder as the days pass. He was a good man, who served many, but I realize I took him for granted. I wish now, I’d have said something to him, but I did not.
I’m not sure what I should have said, but I’ll tell you what I did. I called this man, the day before my wedding and told him not to come in! I told me that we were not getting married – never mind! Such is the level of my commitment-phobia. Pretty stupid, seeing at my husband and I were already married and had been for years!
He reacted to this, calmly. Somehow, we all made it to the church the next day and he married us. I’ve been so happy since. I don’t think I have had a TRUE BAD DAY since my (second) wedding. So you see this man means a lot to me and my husband…to my whole family.
I think I should have said something to him about this. I had a few years, where I could have. I regret my inaction.
He reminds me of my grandfather to a large extent. They were both older men, kind men, spiritual men. I took my grandfather for granted too, which I also regret.
I said a rosary for the deacon today. I guess I’ll just keep doing that.
My husband says I can still talk to him. He just won’t be able to answer me is all.
How does death affect you?