I’ve spent my whole life trying to connect to myself and other people. I feel raw and needy but I don’t think anyone can help me. I carry with me, since early childhood, an aloneness that I’ve only heard described by people going through the dark night of the soul and suffering intense existential pain.
I disassociate and feel like nothing is intense enough to reach me and at the same time the superficiality of world is skinning me alive. When I do feel deeply connected to someone and safe and whole (which is rare), it is always someone who claims to love me but can’t stay attached. Nor can she deal with the taboo nature of our relationship for very long. The loneliness and sheer body hunger I feel from a life time on the planet alone (inside of more aloneness, inside of more aloneness) has caused me to investigate many diverse avenues in search of fulfillment, that range the spectrum from holding therapy to zen buddhism, encounter groups, medication, meditation, mediphisics, you name it.
Nothing seems to change anything. I don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t have the faith or the tools to deal with this grief for much longer. Truthfully, I’m beginning to think the only solution is to transition off the planet and return to the Source where I can finally be free. Looking at my chart, is there anything I can do to change this situation?
Starved And Lonely
It is always darkest before the dawn, this is a universal truth. I am sorry I have sat on your post for more than a week, but good God, girl. This is a lot to process. And I know your pain is real. It is reflected in your chart in ways that are unmistakable. You are you, and this is your experience on this plane. However I do detect a few things that may help you move through some of this.
Number one, though based on your chart, I would consider you a true anomaly, I do not believe that there are people out there with whom no one is compatible. And what you need is a partner. Someone to touch you, to hold you, to help you tame the beast. And there are scads of people out there who can do this. People who love to do this. They are looking for someone just like you. Someone intense. Someone “meaty” if you will. So why aren’t you hooking up?
Well you tipped your hand when you mentioned the taboo and the fact you are trying to partner with people who cannot accept their own sexuality. Lesbians, I presume. So what the fuck? Isn’t this a choice? Aren’t you choosing these women, over the women out there who are comfortable with their sex? Aren’t you choosing this pain?
Fact is, you have access to unlimited energy for good or ill. How about using your energy in your own best interest? For starters, swear off women who don’t know what they want. PERIOD. Been there, done that for godsakes!
Instead, focus instead on finding someone who can not only deal with your ilk, but craves your depth. Because she is out there. You just have flip some switches here. You have decide you’ve been hungry long enough, you know? It’s your survival now, right?
So start cutting through the chaff, why don’t you? Because if you’re honest, you will admit and own the fact you can tell chaff from wheat, a mile away.
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