One Of My Friends Is Dating My Other Friend – Crisis Results!

leoDear Elsa,

Two friends of mine have recently started dating. The male in question is my fiance’s best friend and the female in question is one of my close friends. Both of these people have been in our respective lives for over a decade.

The problem? My fiance and I have a sinking suspicion that this relationship will eventually crash and burn, perhaps spectacularly. Then what? Obviously, we do not want to lose these friends! I know a lot will depend on how our friends handle things and a lot will depend on our reaction, and since both of us have a strong Libran influence, I have faith the my guy and I can handle any resulting fallout diplomatically. I am just a little apprehensive.

My man infected me with this worry since I was content to let the other couple blithrly make their own mistakes after it became apparent that any advice I offered was usually not taken. My man, perhaps wisely offered no advice to begin with.

My man’s best friend is one of these people that feels better about themselves when partnered. All of his relationships have been long-term and he likes to delve deep. In each case he is then the dumped not the dumper, sometimes dramatically so (his last girl moved out without telling him cleaning out their entire apartment). Also, he tends to stay in relationships even when he is unhappy and thinks it’s unlikely to ever get better.

My friend has had few relationships in her life none long-term. This is in part because of her insecurity and also partly because she tends to fall for people who clearly do not want a romantic relationship with her. She also tends to idolize the object of her unrequited love which is perhaps not so surprising, all things considered. She is unclear on whether she wants marriage but has stated to me that she would like a deep committed relationship like the one I am in (her words not mine).

When it became clear that these two were growing apart got basically my friend jumped his friend on my couch one night which was the first thing anyone knew about her designs including me. I offered my advice. I let him know a little of her back story and advised them to play it cool for a while to let her easy the things. I also offered this advice since I could tell she was charging full steam ahead without caution which is not her usual MO at all! My advice was unheeded as both parties jumped into the deep and willy-nilly.

Ben developed another problem might man’s friend is a very touchy-feely guy who needs a lot of physical affection from his lovers. While my friend enjoyed this at first, after a few weeks she began to find the cloying. Instead of approaching him about it, she began edging away whenever he would try to coddle or making exasperated faces/noises, which hurt and confused him. When she asked my advice I told her to buck up and just have the conversation instead of expecting him to read her mind in the subtle nuances she was throwing out. He also asked my advice about the situation, and I let him know that she is mostly conflict — avoidant, so if he had a question/problem then you should take it to her instead of waiting for her to bring it to him.

Thankfully, they did indeed talk to each other as I suggested work this out, but I fear it is a problem that will come up again and again — neither one wanting to mention the elephant in the room, ya know?

Basically, I fear that M is searching too hard for a long-term relationship since she is the last of our group to remain single and she wants the kind of love she sees in her friends relationships. She is trying to make this relationship that what she wants it to be, regardless of what the relationship itself is, and she is more than capable enough of them see the playoff in her own mind. While S will dive deep and fast without regard, then stick around even if he realizes the relationship is futile and he is miserable. All the time one will not talk about the problems he/she is obviously having, wanting the other to ask; the other will not ask, waiting for the one having a problem to open a conversational door!

So as you can see, I’m having serious reservations about the viability of this relationship of the long-haul each once out of it, and try to let each participant know before anything serious got started. And I do not have the patience or energy to play the middle — man which everyone is quite aware of what is your take on of all? What would you do in this situation?


Dear Friend,

Girl, you need a life! What are you doing? Must you micro-manage this? He breathed and then she breathed, and then he breathed twice! And oh fuck me! Next thing you know, she’s going to breathe again! And fuck a duck, maaan! What if someone sneezes in all this? Or farts or something? Oh no! What then??

Look. You are way, way, way, WAY too involved in this. And that my dear, is the problem you should be worried about. Especially with transiting Saturn bearing down on your Sun!

I have to tell you… I don’t know what you’re trying to avoid here but it must be EPIC for you to be this focused on this couple who the whole world knows will not be a couple for long. Here’s my advice:

Get out of the way! Let these people crash in their own way, in their own time and then everyone go back to being friends.

Good luck.




One Of My Friends Is Dating My Other Friend – Crisis Results! — 43 Comments

  1. Your post shows deep concern…
    But indeed, it’s better to but out…
    And if they’re hurt afterwards, give them a consoling shoulder, but it’s better to concentrate on your own relationship then to but in others…
    Blessed Be

  2. yknow, i thought advice givers werent meant to outright bash the poster? if you wanted to tell her to keep her nose out of the business, do it in a nice way.

    but yeah, to be honest, i’m the kind of person who would never date someone i dont completely trust i will love because i always worry that i’d lose a friend over it. your worries are very natural, but i guess only time will tell what would happen.

    do you have any proof that their relationship would fail or is it just a hunch? if it’s just a hunch i’d leave it until it gets so nagging you need to talk to one of them about it… otherwise things might get messy =/

    also, if they break up, well, unless it’s under some horrid circumstances, then since you guys are such good friends anyways surely you and your fiance can help them through their difficulties and be friends again =]

    i realise that it’s not as easy as friends in school dating then breaking up but still able to remain friends, but everyone’s a child at heart, i’m sure it’ll work out in the end =]



  3. Dude, yeah, Elsa can be blunt but seriously, I couldn’t even finish reading the letter bc it was getting so involved with details about these people’s lives. Elsa cut through the crap and saw right through it.

  4. Friend-Although it’s clear you care about your friends, there is no way for you to know what’s in their best interests anyway. Maybe they will crash and burn. So what? Maybe that’s just what they need to learn whatever it is that needs to be learned so both of them can have the relationship they want. Or maybe they will use this relationship to do something else they need to do. You have no way of knowing.

    Anytime you try to control others, you’re setting yourself up for a crash yourself. I know because I’ve tried very hard to convince my stepdaughter to make “good” decisions myself. Guess what? It doesn’t work! In fact, for me it had the opposite effect. While most people would have agreed my opinion was “right” in the situation, it makes no difference. It’s her life to do with what she will and the most caring thing I can do for her is respect her-enough to let her make her own mistakes, however big they are. Even if they end up killing her, for that matter. It’s not my choice to make.

    Really, anytime you feel very driven to control ANY situation, there is always a connection to your own issues. That’s where you need to look.

    Do your best to be happy for your friends, as much as you can. Anytime you feel very emotional and overwrought with their issues, look and see how they dovetail with your own.

    Peace out.

  5. I think she’s really worried about loosing a friend, both of them loosing a friend.

    And sometimes friends are just to precious to be lost.

    /my opinion

  6. I actually appreciate the bluntness – even if not all of it was deserved, in my opinion.

    Honestly, these two dragged me in by asking for advice in the first place – both parties. Then, when they didn’t take the advice into consideration and made things worse, coming BACK to me for a shoulder to cry on! Very frustrating to me, who usually just puts problems into the open instead of the tip-toe around the tulips approach going on now.

    Yeah, I may be too involved. That’s right on the money! But I can’t find my way clear without pissing off people I care about.

    Perhaps I’ll use my own famous bluntness (which has been in hiding on this situation) and tell them to leave me out of it in the future.

    Thanks, Elsa! This is _exactly_ why I call you my favorite head-check!

  7. Friend: I am glad you popped on here. I read the comments regarding my manner and have to tell you what I wrote is exactly what I’d have said to my bestest best friend in the world, except there would have been double or triple the swearing! That was pure love up there. Seriously.

  8. OMG! That was brilliant & hilarious!!! Elsa’s response I mean. No offense to Friend but I thought I’d die of boredom reading her post. In all honestly, though, I totally relate to Friends because I did the very same thing and got serious “burn”!

    I sure wish I knew there was an Elsa when I was sabatoging myself. I would have taken the tongue lashing because it warranted it…..

    As a matter of fact that post of Elsa’s was soooooo funny that I am going to print it, frame it and hang it in my foyer.

    Thanks, Elsa for the artwork.

    P.S. You should run for political office. Honesty is in short supply in that field!

  9. Friend, when people drag you into something and ask for your opinion on something and you tell it to them and then they’re angry, those people are drama queens. Let them stew with their feelings. I used to think the same thing: “Oh, people want me to be honest and then they get upset if I AM honest. What should I do? I can’t win!”

    what you should do is be honest and kind and that’s as much as you can do. However, You are not responsible for others’ feelings. And sometimes the truth does hurt but hopefully people are grown enough to think things through and simmer down eventually. And if they’re not and they pout and pout and keep getting you involved in their crap, the thing to say is: Look, I’ve got my only life to live. I’m sure you can handle this.

  10. @jas, no, no, i didnt mean you ^^;;

    @Elsa, haha fair enough ^^;; although i must admit i didnt bother reading this the whole way through… 10 paragraphs… O_O;; =died= i admire your patience ^_^ and i wasnt too keen on reading your answer cos the first thing that i saw was the mass load of swearing then the line about “saturn bearing down on your sun” and my first reaction was ‘oookay, will skip first paragraph…’ then, ‘saturn? sun? bleh i dont buy that astrological blah’

    but now i read it again properly after reading jamie’s comment and i do actually find it hilarious ^^;; sorry if i was rude earlier x_x;;



  11. oh god. i had to laugh seeing my comment on this old post right after commenting on the “there are no problems” post. because i guess i’ve been doing this a while now…

    i’m shutting the hell up.

  12. I don’t know. They jumped each other on the couch ? She is nonconfrontational, he will stick around no matter what ? I hate to tell you this, these two may end up married. He is touchy feely and she is moving away. Nothing is more attractive to a man than a women who constantly has to be conquered. And they may be going down a crazy path but it sounds like they are attracted to each other in some way you can not understand. Who is to say how it will end.
    I guess what you have to ask yourself is why are you so affraid of this ? (you say it is because it is doomed) but if this is your friend shouldn’t you support her even if you don’t agree.
    Its not really nice to take pop shots at someone.
    And yes it is a problem that will come up again, let them alone. Its a relationship between 2 people. Sometimes you see the car is going to crash into the train other folks say maybe I can over run the train. And it happens 50/50 chance.
    Let them try. You only live once !

  13. I am with Charlotte…not only could I not finish it, I could only read the first paragraph. That was plenty, I got the jist and skipped down to the response, and then the first line of the response made me breathe a big sigh of relief. it was like, yeah! Maybe the person is the question is a Leo sun but I bet there is a whole lot of cardinal energy in there too…what I call the ‘bossy bossy.’ (No offense cardinal people, we need you for so many other reasons, and in the case of capricorn, Boss with capital B and not little b bossy). Maybe mercury in a cardinal sign…meddle meddle meddle…

    Goddess that’s an interesting comment above about seeing your old comment. It is something I’ve noticed lately too. When new posts get posted from combinations of old posts, I’ll make a new comment, and then sometimes go in there and see if I made a comment before and if it was similar, and almost always, if I did, it was quite similar.

  14. You guys are funny. I have read the thing through 6 or 8 times – I think it’s marvelous. It’s just a stunning thing like a comet ‘cross the sky or sumpthin’.

  15. cool advice, but there are so many typos and mistakes that I had to stop and regrasp the logic at the beginning of every paragraph. Take pride in your work and get an editor. Its worth it!

  16. OH. K maybe I’ll go back again and try to read it so I can see it in the same light as you do, Elsa, or a similar light anyway.

    Just, not right now.

  17. loon-it’s kind of creeping me out a little seeing myself repeat. i am beginning to wonder if i must be the most annoying person on the planet blundering around saying the same shit over and over that, quite possibly, most don’t want to hear in the first place. dixie the broken fuckin’ pollyanna record.

    and then there goes my arguements on the whole “can people change” series of posts where i say i think they can given the right circumstances. yeah…i keep saying that. over and over…agghhh.

  18. You know what, Goddess, at least you and consistent and giving a consistent message also. I don’t think it’s Pollyanish to have gone through hell and out the other side and realize, looking back, that if that didn’t ruin you, then you simply cannot be ruined.

  19. Coming out of the closet here — this was my question a few years back.

    For those of you who were confused, I have to say that 80% of the typos up there weren’t in my original e-mail and I don’t know how some of the sentences got smooshed around. :/ I even got confused reading it this time! But it is what it is.
    I wrote that long saga for two reasons. 1) I had no one else to vent to, so I went a bit overboard and 2) I wanted to give Elsa as much info as I could because to give good advice I think you need the whole story.

    In case anyone’s wondering, my fabulous relationship that my friend coveted ended earlier this month, but our friends are still together two years later. How’s that for irony? 😉

  20. Oh, crap. ((SaD)) That is irony of the worst kind.

    As an aside, I have learned the hard way about giving advice to couples who are friends.
    Recently a close friend, her husband and I were out for breakfast and she launched into their dilemma about what last name the kids would have.
    A few years ago I would have been a sucker and told them what I thought. Instead I said “Wow you’re asking me to answer the most difficult question of all time. I PASS!”
    Yeah…I got my laughs and then changed the subject lickety split.

  21. aaaayiiii! -with Saturn bearing down on my Sun and Pluto with 3 degrees of an opposition to my moon, I think I will go hide under something and hope that I might be in the same freaking ballpark as goddess, when it comes to not being annoying. hahahahaha!

  22. Man, I love when a grammar nazi makes all kinds of grammatical mistakes. Must be 8th house Virgo that gets a kick out of the retardedness of that.

    cool advice, but there are so many typos and mistakes that I had to stop and regrasp the logic at the beginning of every paragraph. Take pride in your work and get an editor. Its worth it!”

    I’m not even addressing the clunky sentence structure of that first sentence.

    If you were being sarcastic, Jonathan, then bravo! you really tickled my funny bone. If not, take pride in your nitpickery and get an editor. It’s worth it.

  23. SaDiablo- This is a great story! An amazing perspective from now looking back to then. I hope that it is not too painful. Kudos to you for sharing this.

  24. Awww, SaDiablo, now I feel so bad! I never thought it would be someone we know and love that we would be ragging on so badly.

    you are a brave soul .. I would never have admitted that myself…never would have thought anyone would after we did all this .. um, chatting about it

    .. but also as elsa implied, the letter is, in a very strange way, kind of adorable .. so ernest, you know

    ..smooshed around.. I repeat, awww.

    so, SaDiablo .. you are a Leo and what all else…? something amazing, that’s for sure! Happy Leo moon night!

  25. I just drove 125 miles back home..
    I am really confused ????
    So the two couch jumpers outran the train and the original two friends who initiated the contact and were engaged are no longer together ?

    Virgo scratching her head..It was a long drive
    I think I am going to sleep..

  26. Thanks for the support, guys. It means a lot right now. *smiles*

    Loons, you’re not getting my chart info that easy. 😉 😛

  27. awwww, geez sadiablo. what irony. sorry to hear about it. 🙁 and it was brave to claim the question.


    and thanks, eye and loon for your comments, too. y’all made me feel better. we have a cool bunch of folks that hang here. 🙂

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