Having Two Parents Who Love You

scorpio italyYears ago, I walked into an art store with The AMF, my boyfriend at the time. He was a painter, like my mother.  A Scorpio.

“This reminds me of going to the art store with my mother,” I said.

“Except I actually like you,” he responded.

I laughed. He was candid like that and I like having things like this acknowledged. Let’s deal with this stuff, on the table.

Yesterday, I was listening to a young person talk about their loving family. I don’t think they really understand what it’s like to grow up with a family that is not loving and not intact.
I also don’t think a person who grows up without a loving family fully understands what their loss.  How could they?

What I do understand, is that the gap between the two populations is vast and the loss is real.  If it’s not too late for you to keep your family together, I’d try to do exactly that.

These are my thoughts with the Moon in Scorpio, conjunct Saturn this morning.

Did you grow up with loving, supportive parents? Or no?  How has this affected your life?

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Having Two Parents Who Love You — 29 Comments

  1. They did their job as parents. There were alot of offspring. Did what they could to stand behind our interests and cart us to where we needed to be until we could get there by ourselves. They were not coddlers though. There were some rough circumstances with an ill child who died, ,and another accidental death so I think my father, softy cancer stellum with gruff exterior, shut down emotionally. My mother kept it all together. The ill child really took all my baby and toddler time so I really don’t know what it is to be loved. She died and my brother started reproducin like a rabbit so I spent my childhood taking care of his kids and my eldest sister’s. People throw that I love you thing around all the time but I really have no idea what it means except when I feel it. I think I was pretty much on my own in the midst of all the hub bub of a full house. I imagine that is why I don’t ask for praise or compliments, just don’t fuck with me. Let me be. I will always be on my own and I need to maintain my energy to survive. Nature and the outdoors, that’s where my heart is. Toes in the grass, and wind in my hair. Ha woo. I was really raised by wolves.

  2. My family was completely fragmented and, like notch, I was left on my own a lot to try and figure out my place in the world. Also, like notch, I had much older siblings who started “reproducing like rabbits” soon after I was born. It confused me to see their families in tact, and the one I was born into so blown apart. And also like notch, I didn’t ask for praise or compliments because I didn’t think it was appropriate … everyone else’s “needs” were so much more intense than my own. It gets exhausting trying to figure out how to fit into a world where everyone else has the rule book, so that alone time that notch speaks about is, for me sometimes, just taking a break from trying to figure out how everyone does what they do.

    As for realizing the “loss” of growing up this way, oh I am fairly certain that most of us are aware of it. But you are right, Elsa, about those who grow up with “in tact” families not being able to relate. The gap between the two sets of people is really profound, no matter how much we make the effort to bridge it.

  3. My biodad was the love of my poor cancer stellum mothers life, he cheated, she freaked, when he left, she checked out on me. over the years we’ve locked horns on lots of issues, always coming back to she wishes i was never born becuase i remind her too much of the man who crushed her. step father resented me for being there because he couldn’t have his own daughter there. growing up around these 2 was trecherous & scary, stepdad was a violent alcoholic, mom was verbally/emotionally abusive. there was molestation from a family “friend” that nothing was done about when i told them, this guy was still invited into the home. Now the parents are old, i’m late 40’s with lots of mental issues/ ptsd/bipolar/schizophrenia, not saying all this is a result of this rough childhood. It used to make me stronger, tougher, now not so much. Life has kicked my ass. I keep waiting for the up swing…where’d all my fight go?

    • Thanks Elsa,
      I definately feel the difference being around other people who come from families in which they had strong healthy loving male and female roll models. makes me feel more of an outsider. i wonder if a study has ever been done on the # of “functional” / “disfunctional” homes & how the kids turn out later in life. thankfully i have not had kids of my own. i do well with animals, not so well with people. also i wonder what differences would have been made had my grandparents been alive when i was growing up. i think your grandparents give you your sense of roots. I like Elsas stories about her grandfather, Henry i think his name is? what a character!

  4. I feel this very strongly this days.has one last proof,during Xmas with mother and sister, of the environment I was brought up in,the air that filled my lungs since a baby.nobody’s fault, just not able to relate,both parents, too oppressed by their deep issues.
    a couple driven by painful emotions,unleashed on the children.I was the first,the icebreaker, and took the most of it.Already as a little girl, I had no notion of being embraced warmly, or being given the chance to run to mum or dad crying,in search for comfort.At age 5 I would despise kids who cried,how useless and ridiculous.
    furthermore,my father couldn’t stand my sexuality.my mother is still sex-phobiac, as a girl I was told in a matter of fact tone that any father could have sex with his own daughter,being a man(she still thinks this).I grew up submerged with volatile anger,secrets,scarcity and open hostility.
    I wasn’t spared any of family difficulties, used to be scared as a child that we would be homeless in a moment.
    my father wouldn’t just speak to me.
    my mother accused me of hating her if I contradicted her on something, I was in a perpetuous emotional tsunami.
    I learnt to cry at 33.felt for the first time a warm stroke,comprehension for my deep sadness, around the same age.
    I felt seen,wanted,appreciated, when I played the little genius,so learnt to loathe my genius part.never learnt how to trust people or receive affection.
    I really can’t understand people who talk to me about their loving family,I do my best.
    they often suggest that I exxagerate specific episodes of my childhood,so far is their perception of an habitat where what they know so well was simply lacking,unknown.
    I don’t share anymore my experience on this,or I’m very cautious and selective about it, because it tends to draw a closing,diminishing reaction from others,maybe out of fear.
    But being denied that reality is just another disguise for repeating the pattern again and again,so—lesson clear!
    it’ s like speaking 2 different languages indeed..for a long time I used to get wrapped up in my pain and could not connect with the other side of human race, it has hampered me so much in relationships.
    now I’m working on this,but I doubt that a real comprehension of a certain childhood reality is possible for someone who has been moulded in a different atmosphere.
    a sincere confrontation can be enriching for both types,provided no-one tries to force on the other his/her truth..a beautiful challenge,meeting the alien

  5. babt,
    couldn’t relate more on your comments regarding trying to share parts of your childhood with others who then look at you like you are growing a 2nd head. then the relationship is never ever the same, and if you are paranoid like me, you think this “friend” had told other “friends” because now everyone seems to either not call anymore or if they do they are suddenly very interested and asking personal questions about your childhood. i’m empathic, and also read people very very well, so to me you might as well have a flashing neon sign over your head saying “i want the dirty details, the filthier the better”. it’s nice to finally be at an age in my life where i’m greatful to be different then everyone else. …a beautiful challenge,meeting the alien…nicely written.

  6. Born with Sun conjunct Scorpio, both opposing Taurus Moon, my parents really were two different worlds. The problem is they were not actually grasping that, so they spent ages fighting, both verbally and physically. Because of that, they did not paid much attention to us, the kids. But I think they loved and love us, as much as they were and are able to, since they were also deeply stricken with losses, and they both grew up in a family heavily affected by various traumas.
    I envy the kids who had at least marginally “normal” life. But what can I say: this is my life and it’s actually getting better since I’m getting older. Children of Saturn will understand 🙂

  7. And somehow, I usually don’t disclose (in person) the detailed account of my childhood: the ones who had good family life would not understand, the ones who had the bad one do not have to be told specifics…

  8. I come from a family that… Weren’t so great. My boyfriend comes from a loving family, I look at what they do, it’s completely alien.

    I look at my daughter, and I know she comes from a family that LOVES her.

    I am jealous that they do. I’ve accepted my past, but I’m working hard to change that.

  9. Well, my parents loved me, but the extended family living in my state…obviously don’t. We were NOT WANTED and on a good day, barely tolerated.

    We’re all brought up that a happy, loving, snuggly-wuggly family that makes you feel safe and wrapped in a warm blankie is our birthright as a human being, and a requirement for being alive. But…that isn’t actually true. And the lie is what has always gotten to me. That I’m supposed to act as if the extended families love me and want me around, but….it’s bullshit.

  10. Reading the comments makes me want to share some helpful books on dealing with the challenging/painful effects from being raised in a dysfunctional environment, and helping oneself in adulthood to heal. The words I hear written in the comment stream from today’s post often speak of not knowing, as an adult, what “normal” is in relationship dynamics, as an aftereffect of being raised in a dysfunctional/traumatic/abusive/ and/or neglectful environment (alcoholic parents, abusive family, and also, simply being raised by a single parent. Even if the single parent was loving, it often forces the child to take on responsibilities “too early”, with a loss of “normal” childhood and resultant difficulties in relationship patterns as an adult.)
    The term these books use for this is ‘Adult Children of Alcoholics’, though it encompasses far more dysfunctional upbringing dynamics than just being raised by parents suffering from alcoholism.
    I found the books I am listing here to be extremely eye-opening/helpful/ and facilitated healing. Getting through them can be painful, as a lot of buried emotions will surface (rage, anger, depression, sadness, etc.), but I feel that it is worth it for the understanding that the books brought forth, as well as the guidelines they provide for learning how to develop healthier relating patterns as an adult (something that was not provided by the earlier dysfunctional family situation). I recommend reading them slowly in order to process it all.
    “Adult Children of Alcoholics” – Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D
    “Lifeskills for Adult Children” – Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. & Alan Garner, M.A.
    “The Intimacy Struggle” – Janet G. Woititz Ed.D.
    “An Adult Child’s Guide to What’s Normal” – John Friel, Ph.D & Linda Friel, M.A.
    “The Self-Sabotage Syndrome: Adult Children in the Workplace” – Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D.

    I hope this information is helpful to someone in facilitating their healing.

  11. I believe my mother loved me, and she was supportive as much as she could be. I don’t think my father *could* love anyone; much of my childhood and teenhood was spent trying to understand why he was always angry at me. His extended family was no help at all and in fact seemed to want nothing to do with my brother, mother or me for some unknown reason (my father was the only one of five children to have biological children of his own). My mother’s extended family was thousands of miles away and were similarly distant.

    I thought my family was normal right up until high school, even as my young friends had been affected by the atmosphere in my home. In high school, though, my best friend came from a loving family, and she herself tended to view all families through that lens. My other close friend through those years was going through the same thing I was although we never talked about it until we were both 25.

    My friends who were fortunate enough to have intact, loving families have never been able to relate to my experience, and there have been times when just being around a “normal” family has stirred up a lot of grief deep inside. As a very little girl I looked forward to marriage, children… none of which happened for me and I sometimes grieve for that as well. I’m cautious about extending trust to new people in my life, which is a problem, and am hoping that therapy will help me find the tools to forge new, healthy connections.

  12. I don’t know, really. I think much of what they did was out of control and insecurity. They’d say one thing and consistently do another. If I complain about something, people claim they do it out of ‘love’, but I’m not really sure about that. If it were love, I wish they’d love me less. I think it was more about control than love. We’re all cardinal, so there were power struggles.

    I would’ve been nice to have a loving family in the way I imagine it. The way I see other people having loving families. Seems like the only loving family I’ll get is a family of friends or co-workers because they treat me better. I’d rather go to work or my club than be at home with my parents. I don’t know what I’d be interrogated about or screamed at about next.

    As for how it affected me, I was confused. If I did what they told me to do, they weren’t happy. If I didn’t do what they told me to do, they weren’t happy. Either way, I got flack for doing and not doing what they told me to do, so I had to grow a spine and get my head on straight.

  13. My parents loved me but they were human beings, not gods. They did the best they could at the time. My upbringing was no walk in the park but really when I read some of the comments here, some beloved biographies and autobiographies, stories from friends in the past, and stories from the newspaper I feel damn lucky. I guess the worst memories are when my mom was became ill and she came at me with a knife. Another time she was in the hospital and had her legs and hands strapped in because she had threatened the nurses.
    My parents are gone now and I sleep in the bed my dad died in. I do believe we choose our parents and I don’t know if any of this will ever make sense but hopefully I’ll create some peace in my life.

  14. family life was non existent- just survival.

    late mars on the ic aries opposing uranus on the mc

    venus nnode on ac opposing saturn on the dc

    i agree with you elsa elsa, that you don’t know how much you loose- but i decided at age 13 that i would create my own- and set my rules- and give my kids a loving home.
    like other readers, i was lucky- aqua moon in the 2nd house- i valued/value so much my friends and they and their happy families lifted me and showed me what i would need to do.

    then something extra wonderful happened at age 13- my family finally broke apart and i found myself alone literally (just after my birthday) and finally was adopted by my grandfather and went to live in the middle of corn fields!

  15. This reminded me of the day I discovered my parents North Nodes. Their North Nodes are both in Libra, while mine is in Aries. It’s surreal. I’m from a previous marriage. They got married and I was adopted by him when I was six. All of a sudden, new house, new school, new town. New Life. I was told to pretend everything before the marriage didn’t happen or was just a bad dream. Even when they had a son together, it cemented the deal. He’s 18 now and doesn’t know I’m his half sibling. It’s draining to distract yourself. To lie all the time for the sake of keeping an ideal alive.

    I was told to pretend I wasn’t half Greek. I was told to pretend that life didn’t happen. Ethniclly it hurt. My mother would say my dad was sick, Greeks are dirty and then tell me I look just like him. This made me beyond self conscious, always wearing glasses or sunglasses. never going outside to get a tan. I did’t want to look Greek. Or like anything she turned her nose up at, and their were many things.

    I know my mother is prejudice of me. But because of this I know I can’t count on her. I just leave her alone more or less.

    I know I thought if I played along, then maybe they would see I was good and wouldn’t be ashamed of me and wouldn’t encourage me to hide. Dead end. I have a full moon in my fourth house, Family is important to me. But I can have a wider family. I know I’m ideal. I have mars in Aquarius. Basic human rights. I really like the idea of a global community where the only thing you need to join is be human. Like a global holiday to remember we all live on the same planet together. It comforts me. I’m convinced it isn’t them. It’s me. I need a wider less restrictive group. ANY Family. Is going to feel restrictive to me.

  16. Yes, I had. I was thinking about how it may not have looked like that to outside, because I was half orphaned, and had difficulties with my stepmother. But visiting my family with my daughter for the first time, and seeing how my family was with her made me remember this was essentially how I was treated too. I truly was surrouded by love.

    While I’m aware I had it good, I think I saw the other side, though. My mother didn’t come from a happy family – her mother was amazing, but her father was a nasty bastard who terrorized everybody else in the family. I now realize this was the reason I never liked visiting my grandparents – I preferred my grandmother coming over to me. And I always knew when there was something wrong with my friends’ families. I may have not been able to say what it was exactly, but I saw that.

  17. Pisces sun, Scorpio moon,…. rising huh?… anyway Ditto…. notch….except I was raised by life! Which I might add include more than the normal amount of wolves and dogs! wouldn’t have it any other way!

    • Yes, I’m not complaining either. It’s just the way it was. And didn’t we turn out great! 😀 I really don’t think I’m any more twisted than the products of supposedly perfect families.

  18. Hello Oceanic15… I have mars aquarius also and grew up in a crazy house. I learned in my teens that I could make my own family of friends and at age 59 I am still friends with a lot of them. They “get me” My family sometimes does not and I have a brother that does not speak to me because I will not co-sign his insane “rewrite” of our childhood.
    Our Mom spoiled him rotten, whereas both parents were pretty tough on me.

    • A family of Friends. I agree. I have to tell myself I’m apart of a community, something more than my family. Otherwise I’ll keeping running back trying to fix my family. My family can’t see me. My friends can. Friends can do that. Thankfully. And it doesn’t seem like a loss anymore.

      Peace.

  19. reading of people who were able to re-create a surrogate family with friends in adolescence makes me think that another share of human race has’n been so lucky.in my case the outcast role was engrained (sun conj chiron conj north node in aries)and acted out with friendships as well.doesn’t mean that I had no friends, but the patterns that drove me towards people were rotten:i.e.i could fall for girlfriends who flattered me on anything,being starved for affection and acceptance, and anyone who in my eyes shone with a happy raising behind, was to be pursued as a friend.same with co-workers, I ended up in complex power games and lived the same scattered quality of contact(sat in 7, pluto-uranus-jup in 11).my present scarcity of relationships is unbelievable.
    I took for intimacy many things which were not,how could I tell the difference?
    I trust people who betrayed me,adored friends who disappeared without a word.
    still deal with issues with men and sexuality.

    each time I read a book about co-dependence or pstd, i find my childhood mirrored.
    my parents came from hard childhoods and never had the slightest idea of being troubled people.

    sure a water grand trine (merc.nept.moon) didn’t help, for a long time I just hit a hard rock made of emotions buried in depth and backed off.

    So, how does one cope with this to learn to LIVE???? I wish there were recipes,here’s what’s working for me,after a life of depression and 2 major breakdowns.
    excavation(therapy,astrology,reading),stubborness,learn from mistakes, courage out of despair,grounding myself thanks to a virgo energy I digged out of nowhere, lacking earth in my chart(well, sun and aries in 6 must have a purpose,apart from serving others!!).
    illuminating patterns, chase blind spots,see connections with real life and how it was created,master emotions-committ oneself to life,it’s so much more than words.(and trust jupiter in cancer).don’t skip layers.
    this is working,for now, not in making wonderful people show up at my door or re-shaping my thighs.the miracle now is feeling I can extricate myself from the family groove(south node libra in 11, conj jup and uranus) and be an individual, targeting specific things I want in my life and invest a different energy in them.the second part of my life(nearly 45) is going to be mine.aries north node is in 5th,they say it can be a great tool (for best and worse!)
    to anyone out there who shares something similar:never give up on yourself,go to the root of the lack of faith

  20. I may be one of the few people who has had both kinds of experiences. I have Pluto in my 4th house, but I also have my Venus-Jupiter conjunction there, too. My parents loved me, but they did not always show it very well. When their marriage broke up, they began taking all kinds of frustrations out on their kids–well, me, specifically, because I was the oldest. My mother is a recovering alcoholic with a mental disorder who could act downright sociopathic toward us at times. It took my mother getting the right combination of meds for her to act normal, and my own near-fatal illness at 19 to get my father to see the error of his ways in treating me like I was a burden. At this stage in our lives, things are ok. My parents still can’t stand one another, but there’s nothing I can do about that. They love and support their kids, and we do the same for them.

  21. I grew up with a handicapped sister who took all the attention and energy from my parents. I had a younger sister who was the ‘sweet baby’ of the family who was spoiled, as was my handicapped sister. My parents took out all their frustrations on me, being the warrior Aries sun, I guess they figured they could because I fought back. They despised each other but stayed together because of my handicapped sister. They split up several years ago.

    My father was physically abusive with me (has anyone ever been hit with the buckle end of the belt? it hurts!), my mother is an alcoholic and prescription pill junkie (who was most likely molested by her father) and she was physically and verbally abusive with me (she liked to come after me in a drunken stupor with the carving knife). There was constant screaming in our house. I managed to escape at age 19 and my handicapped sister was finally put in a group home, too late for me because it was after I moved out.

    I forgave my parents for their abuse of me, until I was raped at age 37 and asked my mom for simple support (weekly phone calls to check in on me to see if I hadn’t committed suicide, basically) because I had gone very public with the rape and was being attacked from all fronts as a result. My parents and sister (and the majority of my friends) abandoned me in my time of greatest need. So now I no longer have a relationship with any of my family members, except my grandmother who was my saviour throughout my life. My grandma was the perfect mother and showed me the true meaning of love.

    I’m now 43 and having an increasingly hard time with people who have ‘normal’ families. I feel jealous and annoyed when people complain about what I perceive to be normal family problems, like their parents expect them to have decent jobs or kids or something. Most people I know have no clue what it’s like to grow up in a seriously dysfunctional family, and I gravitate to anyone who did, thinking they’ll understand me better. But no one I know grew up with what I did. If it was dysfunctional, it’s usually an alcoholic abusive parent. Not to downplay that, but try adding a handicapped sister with a lot of problems into the mix, I think to myself. But then, we were middle class so at least I didn’t grow up in poverty, which I’m grateful for. It was just emotionally impoverished. Trying to focus on the good side.

    I don’t have kids and never wanted them, I’ve never been married and never wanted to be, and I don’t have a relationship with a significant other. I feel very isolated, and yet I feel proud to have survived these ordeals and feel stronger for being self-reliant. It’s given me greater compassion for people who suffer, which is the main silver lining. I’m hoping to make a positive contribution somehow to the world, perhaps through my career or volunteer work once I’m done school.

  22. my parents arent perfect, but they love me very much. I always felt alot of times, i wasnt loved enough. I needed to be loved, held and protected. My grandparents gave me that, on both sides, and while my parents loved me as much as they could, they weren’t always the type to want to hug so much, or hold alot, and i craved that so much it hurt. I felt so happy around my grandparents so when they passed, it left a huge hole in my heart. I married really early in life, it didnt last – it was incredibly crazy. I’m superiorly happy now w/ my husband.

  23. My dad was a Cancer in the wrong liquid (beer) and was not a nice drunk. My Pisces mother failed to protect us and finally filed for divorce-when I was 18, far too late. My brothers were the favorites. I also never had or wanted kids. What for? Why bring someone you love into this shitty world? Haven’t seen or heard from my father since-and don’t want to. Love my Mom; even though I realize she is far from perfect.

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