How Do You Handle Betrayal?

Everyone I meet starts out being trusted but if you ever jack me up, that goes out the window and I’d rather never see you or hear from you again. If our paths do cross, I’ll avoid eye contact. It’s a total shunning. I’ll look right through you until the end of time.

But oddly, I don’t suffer much when I am betrayed. I tend to think it’s your problem if you betray me. Like it’s your problem if you cheat on me or some other kind of thing you are not supposed to do. I just don’t think it has anything to do with me if you’re lousy.

Generally I have 2-3 days of mourning before I shrug my shoulders and move along.  I actually have some good feelings come from it because I know you’ll have to make it up. If not this life, the next! And for Capricorn, this is very much like money in the bank. I never seek revenge or try to retaliate in any way. Or at least the last time I did was about 15 years ago (mistake). Before that I can’t even remember. To me, that would be good money after bad.

How do you handle betrayal?

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Comments

How Do You Handle Betrayal? — 31 Comments

  1. Hah, what a funny time for this post. My first ex just contacted me after years, and he was my first big time betrayal. I hated him but still loved him too and it took me literally years to get over it. I did cut him off once I realized there was no hope, but if I’m contacted a while after I’ve been betrayed I kind of see things with rose-colored glasses. I don’t want anything to do with the person, but I’m horrible at holding grudges and my temper usually subsides over time. That’s with anyone who pisses me off.

    Usually I end up feeling guilty for being mean to someone who wronged me.

  2. Thank you for sharing how you handle betrayal, Elsa. I also feel it is the other person’s problem ultimately if they screw me over
    I feel bad for the other person because I am an awesome friend. I also do a bit of a shun, but I try to consciously send love to that person, even if they are a total ass. Assholes need friends too. Just don’t ask me to fill that role!
    As for spilling secrets, I will never, even trust you again. I am a Taurus sun with a Cap moon, and have a serious problem if you tamper with my loyalties.
    As for revenge, happiness and sending love to an enemy is the best revenge. Because it confuses them, ha ha!

  3. I’m way too forgiving, of even terrible offenses…the first time. Further betrayals result in being cut out of my life but not without cost to me. I do it for self-preservation but I still suffer over it.

  4. I shrug my shoulders: their problem. Though I think if it came from my close family, lover or friends I would not cope so well. Their problem is my problem after all…

  5. I, like Kat above, forgive way too much, too often, and too easily. And once it comes to the point that I have to cut them out of my life, I suffer for a long time, usually. To me, being betrayed by a friend or someone that I trusted, feels like walking into a glass wall. I’m stunned, shaken, and confused for quite awhile afterward. I wish I wasn’t like that. I wish I could shake it off more easily, because there is no doubt that people often aren’t as trustworthy as I’d like them to be.

    It is odd, I often trust people, while not trusting them, if that makes any sense. I guess I’ve been burned enough to realize that I’ll never really know what is happening in another person’s head, and while I can trust that it is all kosher in there, I know that often it isn’t. And I’ll find myself sometimes doubting people that are close to me, just because I can’t possibly be sure of what they are doing or thinking.

  6. Betray a Scorpio? Silly mortals. I’ve reached the point where amputation is swift and complete. Fortunately, I reached the point years ago where that’s the extent of things.

  7. I spend entirely too much time wondering ‘why’ they did this to me. Like my current nemesis — shouldn’t I get superhero tights or something, if I’m going to have a nemesis? — logically, I know she’s just a miserable woman with no life, but it took me FOREVER to just let it go after everything she did to me.

    It takes an incredible amount of work to get back into my good graces, and I will keep a betrayer seeking asylum at a significant arms’ length because I just ‘know’ that they are going to hurt me again.

    Therapy over the last year has taught me that it isn’t my problem, that I cannot control people and make them act like civilized beans. (and here I was, plotting to take over the world!)

  8. If it’s big enough, and if the person fails to grovel for forgiveness, I also do the complete shunning. Never speak to them again, never look at them again, and it doesn’t matter if we’re sitting next to each other at a social gathering. They cease to exist.

    If they do grovel… Well, I may never forget what they did, and never be able to full trust them again, but there is some measure of forgiveness.

  9. It depends on the person, if they are generally good and well intented and good friends, if they are moral, someone who chooses to be good, and they just slipped and they didn’t mean to hurt me, then it can happen – we are all human, it can happen to you too, it happened to me. Except I won’t tolerate cheating in a romantic relationship, we might stay friends though, particularly if the guy still wants me – bwahahahaha :-D. But if they are not well intented or are just too selfish to give a damn about the harm they do then I do have a problem with them. I tend to blame myself too and ask myself why they did it and what did I do to deserve it and when someone does you wrong they often try to blame it on you, so when someone does me wrong I end up feeling guilty myself, but I won’t let them know it.

    I don’t revenge because I just don’t know how to, I can’t bring myself to plan it and make an effort because they don’t worth the effort, right? But I think that if the opportunity will just present itself there’s a good chance I’ll use it, even years after it happened. Shunning them is obvious – I mean it’s the least I can do, but it’s not enough :-). I wish I could have just 2-3 days of mourning – I’ll remember it for years and years, probably till the day I’ll die unless my neurons burn out first :-). And I just think it’s right to revenge, I mean if the person didn’t just slip or fail or just had a moment of weakness. Because I think that if you do something wrong and there’s no price to pay then you would do it again, if not to me then to someone else. Why wouldn’t you? If you don’t get hurt for it and you don’t give a damn that someone else is hurting then why wouldn’t you do it again? If you hit someone and get hit right back then you might think twice before you hit someone the next time.

  10. Aw, Cassi, what a nice thing to say! I hear what you’re saying about taking betrayal personally, though. I can totally relate to that!
    I, too, used to spend a lot of time wondering why someone treated me the way that they had.
    I don’t know why I stopped caring so much. And trust me, sometimes I still do.
    But at some point I looked at one of my relatives complaining about how people/friends/old employers/family had wronged her 40 YEARS after the fact, and I thought: I better break this habit of being constantly wounded before I end up a seventy-year old complaining about some stupid boss I had when I was 20!
    I mean, boring, right? And I want to clear my head space for giving thanks for all the wonderful people I have in my life and all the good I have been recipient to.
    There are just as many nice people as assholes, and the assholes get all the airtime. Time for a change!

  11. Betrayal…….If I cannot forgive anyone a betrayal then I cannot forgive myself. I am not perfect and am quite sure that I have caused someone the feelings of betrayal…..unintentional or otherwise.

    People change and I am no exception. I had a “friend” who betrayed me in the worst way. It involved my sons and I wanted revenge….and sought it. It resolved not the betrayal or pain of it so what I was left with was my actions which only exacerbated the issue and left me feeling disgusted with myself.

    My entire family did horrendous, unspeakable things to me. Molestation, vicious beatings,slander ……utter betrayal.
    I do not hold anything against them though. I love them still inspite of everything ( Some from a very healthy distance). I percieve this to be my “karma” and accept the good with the bad.

    I’ve learned alot in these 44 years and what has given me peace is letting things go and forgiving as I too need forgiveness.

  12. I don’t know how to handle betrayal. I’m usually abandoned before I’m betrayed. Is abandonment a betrayal..? Perhaps for some.

    I had “friend” who betrayed me time and time again. I completely amputated her. In a way it was a relief but it wasn’t easy.

  13. I used to have a huge flaw. Not sure if its a Sag. thing but I used to assume every one was like me. Well I wouldn’t do that so they wouldn’t. Ha!
    I used to mourn for a long time and be very hurt. Especially now that I understand the astrology that I will always have these experiences due to my saturn,venus,pluto t square
    Now people have to prove I can trust them. So you are a bad seed until you prove you are good. Sorry. New Policies for new management. I have Scorpio ascendant and Pluto Mars so amputation comes very easy to me. And another new policy you only get one bite at this apple.

  14. I don’t willingly get into that kind of stuff with intent but I can do some pretty nasty stuff if ever I need to. But I’m not the type to look for problems. I usually avoid it. If someone does me wrong I chalk it up to a learning experience and don’t hang out with that person as much anymore.

  15. If I’m betrayed, I tend to push the dishonest person out of my life. I don’t want to have anything to do with that person, I want them out of my sight.
    But to get it out of my head or my heart? That is a bit more difficult for me. I get hurt and angry with betrayal and lack of integrity and it takes me awhile to stop myself from thinking about it. I need time to talk myself out of that state of mind and move on.
    I do not seek revenge. That would mean I would have to get involved with the person in some way and that is out of the question.
    In the end of it all, there’s always something to be learned from that experience.

    I wonder what aspect may be related to this… My Mars in Aquarius maybe? Taurus Asc? Moon in Gemini?

  16. I tend to think it’s your problem if you betray me. Like it’s your problem if you cheat on me or some other kind of thing you are not supposed to do. I just don’t think it has anything to do with me if you’re lousy.

    Elsa,

    That is such a great way of looking at it. It had never occurred to me before. I tend to cut people out of my life entirely if they betray me but I also get very angry at myself for not seeing it coming and for being naive or whatever.

    I tend to trust people and, because I don’t lie, it often doesn’t occur to me that someone else will be lying. I get totally sucked in time and time again.

    @jamie – I really like what you said also. I think it takes a lot of strength to think like that. Maybe I’ll get there one day.

  17. If someone betrays me, that is the end. There is no screamfest, no obscenities ( at least not outwardly directed to the person but they certainly go through my mind), no long letters about how you done me wrong. You are gone and even later attempts to bait me will be ignored.
    I will do a lot of pondering about how you could look me in the eye and be plotting your schemes at the same time. What kind of human are you?
    I firmly believe the universe will catch up with you, and that you’ll get your just reward without any intervention from me.
    My only concern is to be able to look back on the whole affair, examine my own conduct and be able to have a clear conscience.

  18. This blog is such good therapy!
    There’s been a lot of betrayal. In my younger days, I thought it was me that created it, but as toomuchpluto says, now I’m starting to understand that its my pluto issues. In my younger days I’d just amputate, but over time the intensity of the hurt would diminish, and I’ve let people back in, only, EVERY TIME, to have them betray me again, always worse the second time. Now I know, the rose colored glasses have to be destroyed. People don’t really change much, and if they do, its because of something the universe visits upon them, not something I visit upon them.
    I am really really good at shunning. I can be in the same room with someone, even at the same dinner table, and they don’t exist. I just make them invisible. As for revenge–I’m not bible oriented, but “Vengence is mine, sayeth the Lord” means just that–I leave it up to Karma, or whatever. I truly believe that what goes around, comes around, and that I do not need to be the instrument of Karma.

  19. Amputation. Same as you, Elsa- takes me a few days, then I’m over it. Not too long ago, this happened in a big way and in a very small community, so it was unavoidable to cross paths in public. Didn’t bother me a bit, didn’t stop me from entering a business/restaurant/etc. If the ‘offender(s)’ were there, they might have well been a puff of smoke. I guess my only sort of ‘revenge’ is that I don’t let their betrayal bother me and continue to live on and carry on as if nothing happened.

  20. “Generally I have 2-3 days of mourning before I shrug my shoulders and move along. I actually have some good feelings come from it because I know you’ll have to make it up. If not this life, the next! And for Capricorn, this is very much like money in the bank.”

    It’s the best way to handle it…

    This has been the “Year of The Amputation” for me…
    Painful as hell, but I’m beginning to see the benefits. Goodbye Vampires… My red count still isn’t up and yet I’m feeling better somehow. Gee…

  21. I react differently to friends, acquaintances, and lovers. Friends, I rarely forgive – I might if they show genuine contrition and understanding over time, and apologise. It depends on the degree of the betrayal. One set of friends who set out to destroy my life in London, over a flat which I had every right to be in, later came up to me and said they’d like to be friends again like we were before all that nonsense’. In your dreams, baby! Usually I just amputate – like others, I can be int he same social setting and these people just don;t exist, I won’t meet eyes, speak to them or engage in any way.

    With lovers, I find it much harder, and the more in love I’ve been the more I’ve found it difficult not to give the man a second chance (and even more). Sometimes I find it hard to guage how far the ‘betrayal’ was down to me projecting my illusions, needs etc onto him… was it a betrayal in my terms, but not in his? It’s not always all that clear to me.

    I wish I could be harder – it’s a battle I’m still fighting, made worse by knowing that when I do amputate a relationship where real love was involved, I still spend YEARS grieving and never really get over it.

    But in my ex-husband’s case I amputated, and barely grieved for the marriage – I was just very very angry and disgusted. I wasn’t in love in that sense of overwhelming passion – I married him because I loved and *trusted* him – he was maybe the first man I’d really trusted, ever. At the end he lied to me about money and property and about the relationship he was having with a girl of 19. He lied to her parents too – our closest friends. I’d never forgive that.

  22. I have a lot of trouble holding a grudge, but this year, after something really hitting me from left field – and having it occur at a time when I was thought I was already feeling my lowest – I pushed them out of my life. They told me it was no reflection on me, but there are ways in which it was – every time they tried to ‘make nice’ between us, this year, they ended up making me feel even worse (I should never have reconnected with them – I was moving on, and then *boom* – another hit, more depression and grief).

    I’ve now pushed them out of my life, by being nasty, and pulling no punches when I was trying to get across (nicely) that it wasn’t going to work… I know the way for most people to go, is to leave them feeling that they screwed up and lost a great woman, but I don’t want that – that’s an open invitation for continued angst and heartbreak (because of the way I have been feeling, and will most likely feel for a while yet). I haven’t shut the door on anyone since I was a teenager, so I seem to be hardening. I wish that I could find my more detached state, but this was too much.

  23. depends on who….with family…i will feel intense sadness and confusion and mull over for a long time, maybe forever… because i feel such loyalty on an unspoken level … with saturn in cap. in the 4th … blood is thicker than water

    …as for lovers…i won’t hang around but i’m likely to get over it and forgive in time… in that arena i understand the variety of needs people have and needs sometimes crop up as ‘betrayals’…

    close friends…i will try to understand, work through, forgive…. my pisces will bleet a big fish heartbeat and hope we survive

    communities of coworkers and not so close friends..(yes, this has happened to me)….i will enjoy rising from the dead and making you nervous with my joie de vivre…i don’t have much scorp in my chart but maybe my astral twin??!!

  24. I told my best friend something about my partner I wished she would not reveal to her husband. I told her because I needed advice and specifically requested her to keep this to herself.
    The four of us went out to dinner, one thing led to another and her husband blurted out my partner’s secret in an “argument”. Not once, but twice, as if driving the point home.
    I was mortified almost as much as my best friend. After all, this revealed her betrayal of my confidence.
    My partner was shocked, yet gracious enough not to respond. I was too shocked to say anything.
    Only later, upon reflection, I realised what she has done and what her husband has done.
    She has not mentioned it, we have been ignoring this.
    But now I have a dilemma. I do not trust her anymore, I feel resentment and hurt, and at the same feel guilty about my reaction.
    I have a scorpio stellium and asc, I do not like to be betrayed yet I understand (sometimes) human nature and its imperfection.

  25. I used to get very upset when someone betrayed me, now I’m a bit airy at that and believe it’s their problem, not mine.

  26. Betrayal by friends or extended family is hurtful and shields go up. Betrayal by a mate is devastating, like a bullet in the dark, straight to the heart. It’s so unbelievable, so outside the realm of possibility, you just go into shock. After you stomp out the fires, you look at the destroyed landscape and while you might envision new growth, over time, you know the big, old growth trees are forever lost. And such is the loss of innocence and trust, no matter your age.

  27. Well i decided to answer this b4 i read comments cuz i handle betrayal kinda same i grieved grind my teeth for more than 2 days but as u said i BELIEVE its their lost . I am a decent person and a helluva family member, friend and lover ,cross /betray me and that would have to be something real … and ur ass is grass and life ( eventually ) will be the mower! I figure ur a fool …why suffer u over n over ? …why ? i do kinda have my fantasies of revenge lol, but after i play it out in my mind ,i’m done ….unless u bring ur soooo sorry ass into my presence trying to be all i sowwy F that !!!! begone fool….( disclaimer ) just in from celebrating a friends b day and had 1 too many long island ice teas 😉 so if what i typed makes no sense ( shrug )

  28. I loved every answer. I think saturn opposed my Sun has brought to mind every betrayal I have ever experienced. But right now 10%-50% of the US population has been betrayed by the bankers on the topic of mortgages. Forgiveness is extremely difficult and it will be a huge challenge.

  29. Complete and total amputation from my life – and don’t even THINK about trying to come back. It just aint’t worth your pain. 🙂

    Although prior to your amputation from my life – I will tell you every thing bad thing I have ever thought about you that I kept to my life – now, you have betrayed me and the poison darts shall be thrown at you – and no they will not miss! You need some painful knife twisting before I kick you down the mountain. 🙂

    Sun conjunct Pluto
    Mars Square Pluto
    Scorpio Rising

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