Giving A Person Space, To Work Out The Kinks

Sometimes it’s best if you give a person space (and time) to work out the kinks in their life. A person who is acting wonky may be trying hard to carve out a niche for themselves…

Generally speaking, people don’t like this. They want to hold other people close. They don’t want to deal with a gaping hole in their life, so they hold on or try to maneuver a person.  It’s human nature.

But when you do this, you risk losing the person forever and the odds are against you.

I’ve been on both sides of this equation. I’ve lost people for this reason. I’ve left them, I mean.  People think they know what is best for others but this is not always the case. They think they know what the person should or shouldn’t do, but do they really?

I’ve also notices when a person pulls away, the person who fears losing them, lashes out. Sometimes it’s vicious. Things are said that can’t be unsaid or unheard.  So then you think about reuniting with that person, once your kinks are clear. But the memory of the pain is so strong you stop yourself.

It’s like clamping down a bear trap on a person’s leg. Once they know you’ll do that, they don’t want to get near you anymore.

This post, courtesy of my 7th house Uranus.

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Giving A Person Space, To Work Out The Kinks — 49 Comments

  1. There sometimes comes a time when ‘helping’ isn’t really helping, and you have to trust that the other person will figure things out. It’s often the toughest thing to do.

  2. I also think people are badly advised in these situations. Friends don’t want to tell them the hard truth.

    If you are fortunate enough to have a friend who will tell you the hard truth…only a few will listen. Most can’t contain themselves. it ends badly.

    I can’t stress this enough – if a person is truly important to you, try not to shit there.

    Sorry (really) but I’m trying to make a point. People do this, then they justify it, when they’d have been a lot better off to just slow their happy ass down, rather than lashing out and having that be the end of it.

    We also fall prey to Hallmark card platitudes on this topic. Don’t do it. People are paid to make that stuff up, okay?

    🙂

    • Going thru exactly this, the last few weeks. I walked. He wants me back, and feels stupid for getting angry about this stuff — me finding a slice of space to rebuild a part of my life. But as you say, I am feeling hesitant, as I recall the anger and the verbal shite flung at me. Even his brother took him down a notch for it, telling him not to harm a good relationship by saying “this is how men in our family react” and telling him that it’s “time to ditch that behavior.” I feel like bursting out of my silence mode, tired of living tamped-down, trying to sit feeling buried to be hand on to keep him happy. (He likes to feel free to travel w buddies, go here and there, and I am fine with it, go life your life! but do NOT expect me to sit in the corner denying my own need to create and life, because “you hate to be in the house without me.” It is charming on one hand, but crushing on the other.

      Uranus was transitting my 7th, now in my 8th.

  3. I just see a picture of someone stabbed full of hole – the person who did the stabbing, frantically trying to blow them up and have them hold air again.

    In the big picture, these generations who have truly resisted growing up / growing older….well if you’re young, I’d not learn from these people, that’s for sure. 55 year old baby? Come on!

  4. So timely for me. I’m trying to navigate a situation right now with someone who i have love for. Giving space to someone Is very hard for my scorpio stellium ass. But I can see the value in it. I just wanna give him what he needs. Whatever that is.

  5. I have always given a wide space to others. I am acutely aware of my own personal need for that space so I give what I want for myself.Space is good, autonomy is good.People with their Pluto run amok out of insecurity or anxiety has often left me with little space. It is a hard thing to suffer.

  6. What does 119 mean? I just had a dream with that number in it.

    My husband is the type who clamps down and acts vicious…he feels threatened when I say what I need- that I feel like I need to leave if I don’t get it (this is me attempting to save us, but it’s pointless). He thinks acting vicious is going to make me stay (and make things stay the same for that matter), but it’s quite counterproductive. I don’t understand how he doesn’t see this. Does he subconsciously want to push me away? You’d think one would be smart enough to understand this…think objectively, you know? It’s not something anyone wants to run back to. For this reason-him acting this way over and over- if and when I do get an out, most likely I won’t be changing my mind. A person can only be controlled and manipulated in this way for so long.

    Uranus rules my 7th. Uranus sesquares my Venus.

  7. That’s a really truthful and considerate post. I am trying to do this and needed to hear that it’s the right thing to do as opposed to acting on ego needs. Thank you.

  8. If you only knew what a prise i have har to pay,personnaly for taking ny time for ny self,to figurer tvinge and lite økt,arter caos Of years and years caused by others lies and decit’s,more lies and decit’t,only now i can see it from a distanse.I have Been stoked, persecuted,targeted,tortured,elecronicly,and mentalt(V2SK),harassed,frozen out,and om and om,om.
    Bit, you know what,i finally got to ser who they are in ny community,small creatures in bigg bodies,afraid,lonely and jealous Of all ny speartimes with meditations,arts,music,and whatever i choose to enjoy alone,with peace and quiet time,when i please,when i want,and i have choozen what i like,i dont Want to live with another who think love is control,but i also under stand that thoose who has caused me so much pain,because they finally figurer out that, i have what they dont have,peace and quiet,and choices ? I just samt to svear that it hasnt beeb for free!

  9. That resonates with my Venus-Uranus trine. I need some space and it’s sometimes difficult for my Venus-Pluto, scorpio moon hubby to accept this.Lately we’ve been in a discussion (who hasn’t with Mercury-Saturn opp ?!) and I’ve had to be careful about what I say because we were going to go down a destructive path… but is is hard for me being a sagittarius rising with Jupiter moon in Aries! I say things quite directly and bluntely. But luckily we have this major Jupiterian aspect between us which seems to save day every time… he has Jupiter in the 7th Aquarius … and our Love (both Taurus sun).

  10. Oups, I forgot to sign in and I commented with my name above, but I’m normaly “Missty” on the boards to avoid confusion with you Elsa!

  11. but can you give a person too much space? so that they could think that you don’t care about them at all by giving them time/space to work things out on their own? I sometimes feel this way, you see I’ve got uranus caught up in a t-square with jupiter putting pressure on it and on my sun/chiron/moon stellium in gemini, so from time to time I will flip over everything I’ve worked for to get free. but then my venus in cancer and mars in capricorn get anxious and want their financial/social security back while the rest is satisfied with the “freedom” that is gained. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m looking forward to saturn return in november this year, so that these “let’s see who & what’s left”-moments get less :/

    • forgot to log in -.- anyway, I like having my space, I like giving space, but sometimes so much, that maybe people think I don’t care. oh the irony 😉

  12. so true. This reminds me of some of your old posts about your grandfather who knew to give people freedom. I would say Jupiter, Neptune and Uranus together are not bound by routine or expectations, while other planets might “grant” freedom with some understanding, as example Saturn. When you become part of people’s lives and routines and bring comfort through your own life and routine, it is understandably very difficult for many when that is disrupted. I’m thinking of Prairie Home Companion, as example. Hearing Garrison Kiellor report from St. Paul, Minnesota is a huge comfort for people. So that is similar to Elsa in Aurora. What people have to do is move beyond their own selfish needs for someone else and recognize this person needs change. It seems like people accept changes in other people better when they are younger or at “set” points (like retirement), but fail to recognize need for change/growth comes at any time. As for bear clampers, they lose the grip in time…I’ve noticed, about two for most (max).

  13. I can consider myself that person who when told someone else needs space, I freak out. I clamp down.

    What can I say? Chiron is in my 7th. I am afraid of rejection. I’ve been rejected a lot in life, by both my parents, by my siblings, by friends, by romantic relationships.

    I don’t want you to have space…I need you, can’t you understand that?

    But everything you say makes sense. But it is difficult to shelve you emotions when love of any kind is involved (for me).

  14. The transits of late have led to an epiphany,

    The more someone talks about how great someone is,
    The “great” person always turns out to be the biggest scamming f-up.

    Conclusion , be thankful no one talks about how great you are to other people.

  15. Person 1—– would you like a sandwich?
    Person 2—– oh my “girlfriend,wife or whoever” makes the best sandwiches.

    Person 1—– so my sandwiches will never be as good, go f yourself, you can starve then, 🙂

    That “whoever” is definitely a f-up. 🙂

    If people can’t be alone with themselves there is definitely a issue there.

  16. I went through this exactly. When my ex fiancé and I broke up three years ago I tried to hold on for dear life. He asked for time and space but I just made everything worse because I couldn’t control my emotions and lashed out horribly, creating more pain for him on top of what he was already going through. I was most definitely vicious. It definitely created more memories of pain which made it harder for him to want to continue being with me, due to the freshest memories of me being aggressive and hostile. We attempted to be friends multiple times afterward but because I wanted what we once had before and I would pressure him, which created arguments, it just wouldn’t work out. Also, he tried to soften every blow by hiding things from me and sugar coating things. I would find out the truth not long afterward from my friends who felt I needed to know the truth, whether I wanted to or not without even asking them and I would confront him about it and call him out on it. His reasoning for this was because he didn’t want to hurt me and because he was afraid of my emotional reactions.
    I remember one day specifically, just a few months after we broke up, we met up for tea. He was already seeing someone else, which I already knew and he knew I knew. As we sat there in the cafe I said to him “I know she’s living with you, in the house we once shared”. He tried to deny it up and down and I told him “you don’t have to lie to me or sugar coat things, it just makes the situation worse when I find out the truth from other people and realize you lied to me, that’s why I react the way I do, because I don’t want you to lie to me”. I was calm about it as opposed to my usual crazy reactions, he was surprised by how calm I was. He then told me the truth but ranted about how he couldn’t stand her and how she was a stuck up, bratty princess and he couldn’t wait for her to move out.

  17. In Satori’s piece today she mentioned the Pisces moon receives. That’s me. My Pisces moon is in the 7th squaring my Sag sun and opposing Virgo Asc. People come to me, share with me, unload on me and I’m game. I’m a sponge….give me your burdens. That is until Mars and Sun are conjunct on my MC then Give Me Space! But it isn’t happening everyone still comes to me…hey, where are you? I have to tell you the trivial of my day.

    I lost it yesterday…but still in true Pisces moon form…only inside my own head. My stellium in Libra (I have Mars there Elsa) keeps me trying to balance priorities even in the midst of chaos.

  18. Beautiful reminder of Uranus’ powerful influence. I remember another of your Uranus-spiced post that taught me to see the influence of ‘being sensitized’ with Uranus. With that old info and this post I too have been on both sides of giving/receiving space to work out the kinks. Several old and long-time friendships are no more because of that ill-received crush to fix, or judge harshly.
    It’s helpful for me to read your advice, and read the comments. I am not immune to the potential to see myself as omnipotent and all seeing. But. Aging(Saturn in Scorpio) gives me a chance to see that my family — an only son and his wife learning to be in a marriage of widely different protocols and cultures, will need space and time to work out the kinks. On the other end of the Earth my brother’s oldest son has children of his own, and fold me into the ‘rearing through daily instagrams’ and messages that say, “Wish you could me him in person.” I have that same wish, but, know love can travel the distance too. I have Uranus natally in the 6th House of creativity. Hopefully that will continue to serve me and my family with the best of Uranus’ influences.

  19. This could not be more relevant to me right now. I have a person in my life who has been behaving this way towards me and your assessment is very astute. I haven’t even know them that long and I just need to breathe. I’m trying to play it cool for now and come up with a way out of this that doesn’t involve causing too much further pain.

  20. Honestly I think I’ve been on the other side of this equation too, years ago. And it’s interesting perspective now to see how my feelings about that person have changed. Like…I get why they had to pull away, I finally really get it. I can’t possibly blame them for it anymore.

  21. Micromanaging,,,

    I agree,,,,,, see ya later

    People have trouble being alone, I had a girlfriend like that

    It was always like “go do something with yourself ”
    Not being rude of course

  22. Yes, your last two paragraphs. He clamps down, “You must change or you must leave”, “Ok, I’ll leave.” “You won’t get another dime from me”! “I know, I’ll rebuild.” Drum roll…… “I didn’t mean it – I’ll support you for the rest of your life”. ….. This is the best gig I’ve ever had.

  23. My 7th house Uranus reads you loud and clear!

    I’m just getting over the flu. You know how that is. But kind people keep checking on me, wanting to bring me food, telling me to go to the doctor, trying to set dates to get together when I’m better.

    One texted me at the crack of dawn yesterday wanting to bring food. It took all my limited energy to compose a text that said anything other than LEAVE ME ALONE! I’m not hungry, I’m sick!

    How ungrateful of me. How cold. I know, I know. I should have just said thank you and rolled over in bed, but it made me mad. I felt like she wanted to be good more than she wanted to help me. I asked if it would keep for a while because I can’t eat now. She said no and backed way off. I think I hurt her feelings. I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to be left alone. This is why I don’t have a lot of friends – I want to be left alone more than I want to get tangled up in all that neediness. Yes, that Uranus is in Cancer in the 7th house. Back to bed….

  24. I just went through this situation and I am reflecting on the decisions I made. I don’t really know how well I navigated everything but I’m learning. I was with an Aquarius and I natally have Jupiter in Aquarius in the 7th trine Uranus in Sadge in the 5th. After giving him space, he came back and asked me to marry him. But, he still needs too much space for my comfort. I felt trapped. He didn’t want to let me go but he wont step up either. It’s wildly uncomfortable. It didn’t sit well with me that 20 days had passed and he wasn’t pushing to see me. He proposed to me while I was on a month long trip to see my family. I’m not a priority in his life and while I don’t like it, I can respect his choice. I broke up with him because all I could imagine is that this would be our future, this is how he is and what he needs, which isn’t compatible with what I need. We had been off and on for about 10 months, don’t you think that’s enough time for someone to show their ability to commit? Anyways, I hate giving up on relationships and I’m terrible about letting go and I can’t stop thinking of him. There is definately a deep pathology to this situation and I’m learning so much about about my own boudaries, insecurities, expectations. My greatest question is… how much can we really expect a person to change? What if I just stayed in the relationship, giving space, waiting, waiting and then he left me for another woman? I can love him and I can give him space and I can let him be who he needs to be…. but not while he has “claimed me”. I’m up against a big insecurity here, trust. It’s been a week. He let me go. I broke up with him, I compromised our security which is probably a dagger in itself but I didnt say anything mean. I don’t know what the future will bring and I pray all the time to help me navigate this….

    • By the way, I have venus/neptune, so, I’m also painfully aware that I could be fantasizing and creating an illusion of this person… but I love him, but I left him. #hotmess

      • Congratulations on breaking up with your fiance, Shan. As you discovered, he needs an unreasonably long leash in a relationship. I can see your attraction to his Aquarian ideals. They make great friends and colleagues but distant (emotionally and physically) lifetime partners. Be true to yourself – you deserve the entire package.

  25. A very wise statement, Elsa. I never offer advice any more unless the other person, including my kids, indicates they have some interest in receiving it….and most of the time, I absolutely don’t know what’s best for another person!

  26. I have Venus in Aquarius, so I understand. But I’m also a Pisces. I fluctuate between wanting an emotional connection and wanting detachment.

    • anonymoushermit,

      I have the same Venus and sun signs. I fluctuate between those two constantly.

      My fiance is a great man with tons of earth and plenty of fire yet he has no water in his chart. So the emotional connection and understanding is not very strong as the one my water sun sign friends share with their husbands (who have sun or moon in water.)

      However I dated a watery man once (a cancer sun with jupiter in pisces conjunct my sun) yet found his emotional needs too too much – my venus in aquarius didn’t like the constant emotional demands.

      At 41 I am finally making more peace with the side of me that is detached and needs space. If I need space my fiance doesn’t bat an eye nor takes it to heart!

      This post is helpful to my water sides (ascendant and sun).

  27. Uranus 29 degrees in 7H Virgo, Aquarius Rising… I will be loyal as f*ck until you lie to or manipulate me, backstab me, try to control me, box me in, or – God forbid – try and tell me what I need to do – buh-bye! Very easy for me to flip that switch OFF. Sounds harsh but if I had a friend that matched my loyalty and didn’t act like a sh*t, there would be no reason to do the above mentioned.

  28. In my experience, you end up losing them anyway no matter what. If you give them “space,” if you try to cling, if you do anything, if you don’t do anything, they’re gone.

    I have one friend where it sounds like she’s depressed and I only hear from her a few times a year and it boils down to “still alive but I have nothing to say.” I guess it’s better than the nothing I’ll probably eventually get, but the relationship dies if you let someone have their space to “work out kinks” or whatever. If they want to come back 5 or 10 years from now, there will be nothing left, you know?

    “I’ve also notices when a person pulls away, the person who fears losing them, lashes out. Sometimes it’s vicious. Things are said that can’t be unsaid or unheard. So then you think about reuniting with that person, once your kinks are clear. But the memory of the pain is so strong you stop yourself.”

    I am so feeling the urge to want to do this with someone else right now. I’m mad, they ditched me, I don’t know why and I’m sick of being polite and “letting it go” and covering over. Sometimes I just want to know what the hell I did wrong, or to say “That wasn’t okay to just bail like that.” Except in this life, it is okay. Grrr.

  29. My 22 year old daughter, currently in a rough patch with OCD issues (hair pulling) and occasional drug issues has decided to move away from home some 6,000 km away. I didn’t want her to throw the beautiful onset of life that she was working on, getting help with a professional, finishing her degree and trying to stay clean of drugs because she was still at home and we gave her positive feedback in her efforts to stay clean. To no avail! She left. She said she will work on reaching her goals and finding her niche in the world. I clammed up. I amputated her from my life. She’s unrelentlessy lied to me and the family as well as friends. I am giving her the space she needs to reach her goals but I will not allow her to lie or hurt me anymore!

  30. Someone once pushed me under the bus while I was working real hard at working out a major kink in my life. To this day he doesn’t understand why I have not wanted to be anywhere near him since. (He actually said, having just done the deed, me still splattered on the ground, bleeding and gasping for air, in shock, “I hope we can still be friends.” I thought, “Are you out of your f’n gourd?!” but I said nothing.)

    7th house Uranus here too. Also loaded to the gills with Scorpio. Can we say Instant Amputate?

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