I bought a cane over the weekend. I don’t know if I am becoming crippled or not. Seriously, this is up in the air. But I’ve had enough times when I can’t walk without holding onto something; it’s apparent that I should at least have one around. I spent $10, okay? Hopefully it will be a temporary cane for emergencies, but I really don’t know.
If you want to send me medical advice, I hope you won’t.
I got the cane on Saturday. Sunday I was dressed for church. “Let’s see what this looks like,” I said to my husband. I was going to pose with my cane and look at myself.
“Are you bringing that today?” he asked.
“Nooooooooooooo,” I said. “I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready to be someone who needs a cane; to be seen with one and to have people ask me questions. I’m just curious how I would look with a cane. How I might be seen differently.”
I turned to look at myself, leaning on a cane. I looked exactly the same. The cane matched my hair and my glasses. I did not look one day older. I did not look weak or feeble or anything near that. I did not look like someone who would need a cane!
“Okay,” I said. “That’s not too bad. If it happens, it won’t bother me much, except for being slowed down or if I can’t lift…”
It’s a weird thing to become crippled. I’m close enough to be able to see this to some extent. There is no way I am “cool” with it, but I’m aware now, I value my ability to think clearly and communicate more than I do my mobility. Being physically crippled won’t impact my work at all. This is enormously lucky.
I just wanted to update. I don’t think I’m going to know exactly what’s going on, what can be done or what will be done, for a least a few weeks, if not a few months. It’s another reason I got the cane. I have enough information to know I have a serious problem that will not resolve on it’s own. So I’m in this situation…
I can still pick up fifty pounds of dog food and put it in a shopping cart. I can also lift it out and put it in the car. I’m not saying I should be doing this, but I can.
I can get the bag of dog food out of the car and lift it into a metal trash can where we keep the dog food. Clearly, I am not crippled, right? Except for one or both of my legs go out at time, with no warning at all. So if I’m not standing next to something I can grab, there’s really no telling. If I fall at a bad time, in a place in a bad way, who knows?
Remember when I fell over the rail at out rental house, landing in the freezing mud at four in the morning?
We were leaning church on Sunday. I stopped to get some Holy Water; my husband stopped behind me and then turned to wave at someone. When he did this, his stiff Carhartt jacket, brushed me and I almost fell. I did not know I was unstable until the split second I grabbed a chunk of his coat so I could remain standing.
I could have used a cane at that moment, but I can still lift a giant pot of boiling water from the stove, dump it into the sink slowly so it won’t splatter. You see the dilemma.
I will eventually need surgery on my spine. When and what kind are up in the air. How long this could be put off – up in the air. What permanent damage might be done while I’m waiting? Up in the air. Results post surgery? Up in the air.
I’m going to have to be patient. It’s a Saturn transit.
The biopsy I had was negative, but I do have tumors. What will be done about them (if anything) is up in the also up in the air.
One thing that’s occurred to me, it’s doesn’t really seem as if I am going to lose anything I really need.I don’t need much, I never have.