Gay Man In Love With Bi-Sexual Married Man With Accommodating Wife

Bearded man

Dear Elsa,

I have fallen hopelessly, totally in love with another man who seems to identify as bisexual. We have had sex 3 times and it was fantastic. His wife found out and after the initial shock she has been supportive – in fact, she suspected his orientation for quite a while and she really likes me because I am a decent guy with a good job, etc., and very responsible. A good boyfriend I suppose…

She suspected I had fallen in love with him, and she asked me point blank so I emailed her a long letter saying yes – she showed it to her husband, and he said “it’s OK how I feel” – nothing really more than that. Last night I asked him about it and he said “Don’t worry, it’s cool.”

I suspect that this guy loves me too, but he is a typical “manly-man” and has trouble talking about his feelings with anyone. The wife has become kind of a confidante and she says her marriage is more like “best friends with benefits.” His wife actually asked him what he would do if I told him I loved him during sex and he said “I don’t know” and then she asked HIM “what if YOU say you love HIM during sex” and he said, “I’ll cross that bridge when it comes.”

What is happening here? I am head over heels in love with this guy, and his wife seems to want to push us together for some reason. And she has stated that she is attracted to females and has had some same-sex experiences of her own. She has actually been quite nice about this, but I think she is a little bit jealous and insecure about the whole thing, although she won’t say that when I ask her.

I have to say that I really, sincerely love this man, I think the world of him, my heart starts pounding the minute I see him or hear his voice and the sex has been mutually awesome.

What should I do here? They say they don’t want me to walk away, but I get such mixed signals. My heart is breaking and I don’t know how to make myself feel better and fit in. I want to be this man’s friend as well, and it seems to be a bit difficult for me to find the words to tell him how much I care for him…I don’t want to break up a marriage, but I would sure like to be closer to this guy. Do you think it is possible?

The Other Man

Dear Man,

Can you be closer to this guy? Of course! And as for breaking up his marriage, I wouldn’t worry about that at all. People break their own marriages!

Now as far as telling you what is going to happen, I can’t. And either can anyone else at the moment. And this goes for you and anyone else with planets in the mid-degrees of the fixed signs (Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius), which is pretty much everyone.

See, you’re all caught up in the current Saturn Neptune opposition in the sky and I guarantee every single one of you, that you are not going to know what it going REALLY going on until June 2007, at the very earliest. And specific to your chart, it is your Venus in Aquarius we’re talking about here. Venus rules love and relationships, Saturn brings deprivation and restriction, Neptune creates longing, so there you go! It’s all constellated and there is nothing you can do. You’re in this! You can try to walk away, but I doubt you get very far. You can try to speed it up, nail it down, make threats or punch things and none of that will work either. So what will work?

Faith!!! Faith that what is best for all will manifest in the end because this is one fact in this matter, that you can rely on.

Other than that, acclimate yourself. Get used to being confused and try not to get too angry or frustrated with the mixed messages people are giving you. Because the fact is, they are as lost as you are. Get it?

It’s a Hall of Mirrors and We’re All In It.

Good luck.


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Gay Man In Love With Bi-Sexual Married Man With Accommodating Wife — 9 Comments

  1. I am a mostly straight woman in a very non-traditional relationship. I would be completely willing to explore something like this with a partner if it came up. Emotional entanglements that involve more than two people are more complicated certainly, but I’ve seen it work very well among my circle of friends and I have experienced being in love with more than one person at a time.

    When a partner of mine expresses interest in someone else, my question is “does this affect how you feel about ME?” I think the human heart has a capacity for love that is far greater than we give it credit for most of the time.

    I wish you much love and luck. I agree with Elsa that there is no telling where this journey will take you but if it’s where you’re going you may as well make the absolute best of it.

  2. The key ingredient here is that everybody seems to be honest with themselves and with each other. Right off the bat, that is good news. As long as that remains, the situation will work itself out for the best for everyone.

  3. Elsa, I LOVE YOU for writing this and responding so candidly. Nothing’s too clear right now for me either and so, I’m going to take this advice too. Thank you so much Elsa.

    Man – I think things’ll eventually work out in the best way possible, even though it may not seem like it at first. That’s what I’m putting my hopes on. So, I wish you the best of luck as well. =)

  4. I suspect that your lover’s wife is “pushing” you together because she loves her husband. Some people are unusually accepting and tolerant in relationships; it’s the way that they express their love.

    You can absolutely stay in this scene, and it seems you are welcome to. But if it’s long term love you’re looking for, you may be in for heartbreak–take care of your heart and good luck.

  5. I think this is sounding pretty good, all things considering. Try reading up on polyamory (Love Without Limits is the classic) and see how you feel. Maybe things can work for you as a happy threesome?

  6. “But if it’s long term love you’re looking for, you may be in for heartbreak”

    Kashmiri, I don’t agree that this can’t be a long term love. If he were hoping this guy were going to leave his wife and be his one true love, THAT would be unrealistic. But a long term non-traditional relationship is certainly not out of the question.

  7. im in the same ship but some time he make me feel that he don’t wont me but then there are time that he act like he is in love with me. I told him that i have nothing but respect for him and his family. now i dont know what to do

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