Gay Man Confesses Love For His Straight Friend… Who Pulls Away: Stellium In Scorpio

C3PO and R2D2

Hi Elsa,

I’m a 20 year old male, a little over a year ago I confessed to a friend that I was in love with him. I couldn’t have chosen a more inappropriate time and method (I wrote him a sloppy letter) because I discovered, beforehand, that he had begun dating a girl. After some serious conversations over the phone and hard thinking – we both quietly agreed to forget the whole ordeal and move on with our lives.

The problem is..

I’ve been trying to move on for the past year and I feel like I’ve made no progress except for the fact that this male friend of mine treats me like a stranger. I can understand why (because he is straight), but he was the one that suggested we forget about my feelings and my words and to “stay friends”. I have been trying to be “the friend” and he still treats me differently. He cannot carry a conversation with me, has stopped calling me and has even “forgotten” to say hi to me. Also ever since he went away to college, he’s been extremely moody and disrespectful – not just to me but to all of our other friends as well.

He was the first male that I ever had strong feelings for and made me truly realize that I’m not only attracted to females – but to males too. He is a Cancer and since I’m a Scorpio, we became instant friends when we first met because we had so much in common, but now I feel as if a falling out between us is occurring.

In truth, I’m very concerned on whether or not I should continue keeping a platonic relationship with this individual? Is he resenting me? Or scared of me?

Thanks for your help,
Lost in Oregon

Dear Lost,

I doubt he is resenting you. I am sure he is afraid of you and I am really glad you wrote. Because you’re a 20 year old gay man and the faster you can get yourself conscious and sophisticated about this, the better you’ll fare.

I am sure this guy likes you. He obviously does… you were friends. But try to see this from his perspective. He knows you are attracted to him, but he cannot reciprocate. He just doesn’t feel it. And it’s not personal. If he were looking for a man, he’d probably go right for you, but he’s not. He’s interested in women and there is not a damned thing he can do about it.

Now he said he wanted to be friends… to move ahead and I am not sure why this has not manifested, but there are two scenarios most likely. One, he’s just plain homophobic and he said something he didn’t mean just to get out of there. This is possible.

But it also possible you are making this hard for him. For example if you are making puppy dog eyes at him or sexualizing him in any way, then this might be the problem, Because I can tell you this:

I am a heterosexual woman who has made friends with lesbians since the 3rd grade. This is because I like women who don’t cow tow to men for the most part… but in whatever case, it’s common for my lesbian friends to develop an attraction to me.

And virtually every single one of them conveys their interest in me at some point and I have to explain that women hold no sexual appeal to me and in fact I am as crazy for men as humanly possible. And at that point, it is up to them to process this and to accept it and not everyone can do this.

And that’s not a judgment. I would have a very hard time hanging around someone I wanted but could not have. I am just saying, as a gay man, I am sure you want to be accepted with your sexuality included, and heterosexuals want the same privilege when dealing with you. So here is my advice:

Decide if this guy is a homophobe or otherwise. If he’s a homophobe, give up. Relent!! Find a new friend because this one is broken.

But on the other hand, if you are still carrying any kind of torch at all, try to put it down. And don’t be hurt about it, okay? Because it’s not personal! It’s just you are not the droid he is looking for.

And if you are guilty – apologize! Cop to what’s been going on. “Hey, man. I’m sorry. I know you’re not interested but I’ve kept an eye on you anyway. I’m going to stop now. I’m sorry…”

This is so worth doing because there will be more situations like this in the future. And if you understand and feel confident about how you’re going to deal with them, it can only lead you to a fuller, happier life that includes other people of all types.

Good luck.

 


Comments

Gay Man Confesses Love For His Straight Friend… Who Pulls Away: Stellium In Scorpio — 9 Comments

  1. Hi Scorpio,

    Elsa gives a good answer. Further to that, imagine a guy you know at work or somewhere comes on to you and you have absolutley no interest in him. How do you feel? Do you eventually try to avoid him? Of course you do. So think of it that way. And if you speak to your friend again, do it with humour and let him know that you saw someone you think is attractive, so as to let him know you’ve moved on…in that way you may win him back as your friend.
    Your gay sister in Toronto

  2. Honestly, I had similar issues with a few friends in high school and college before I came out. In my experience, these friends simply could not give me the type of connection that I wanted and I spent a great deal of energy and grief wishing things were different. I know its unpleasant but he’s doing you a favor and trying to let you know that he can’t be what you want him to be. If you decide to hang on, thing will stay stuck at best, and could get worse. The sooner you finally let go and can find someone who can be receptive to what you need, the better off everyone will be. There are guys out there who can accept you and respond to you, but this one can’t.

  3. Hey Lost, as a follow Scorp, I remember what that time in my life was like and how difficult it was for me. I’m glad you’re willing to let other people know what you’re going through. If you ever need to talk to someone who’s gone through similar stuff, just let me know.

  4. I’m surprised another possibility wasn’t brought up here – that the “straight” person is not so straight at all and is trying to avoid facing this.

    I am not saying it is more likely, and all the other messages here are good (they obviously felt right to “Lost…” – but it has been known to happen even nowadays, so I had to put this out there. (I did not want to know any gay people at all before I came to terms with this myself).

  5. It’s never easy. My straight best friend is someone I love deeply and with whom I share a relationship that’s a little too close yet a little too far. We do normal ‘guy things’ in addition to rubbing his back and spending time on the sofa watching movies with my arms wrapped around him. We couldn’t get any physically closer, but it’s still a sexless proposition. Believe it or not, I actively try to help him date and find someone special. Maybe I think it might help me get over the fact that we can never make that final gear click in spite of having a relationship that is well past friends yet still is a square peg in a round hole. It hurts yet I couldn’t give him up in a million years. I know he’s pretty attached as well, but it’s so similar yet so different. Sure, it’s the best thing I’ve ever had, but it also hurts like hell.

  6. Same situation here as Richard. I’m a 18 years old Bi guy, who had recently come out to my friends. I always knew i could tell ’em. they are awesome, the best people i know. We embraced and we keep a brotherly relationship. There almost no secrets between us. Problem is that my best friend, the closest, we are so alike. And he is all i’m searching for in a couple. He is straight, and i know i can tell him about my feeling for him and he’ll understand and everything will be the same close thing. But i’m afraid that if i tell him… then it’ll be more difficult to me to see him as a brother again. I prefer to have him like this cause we love each other, and i’ve saved him twice. He tells me that if i was a girl i would be his first option and i tell him that if he wasn’t straight he definitely would be mine. I know he wold do anything for me, even kiss me if i ask, but im not that kind of person. I love him and our friendship is not so far from bf relationship except for kissing and sex. And i prefer to hold him tight and protect him than seen him as a couple and that he try to reciprocate (try to be bi) for me. I can’t hurt him like that. Our relationship is weird we know, but someone has to love like this. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

  7. first of all, great advice by elsa.

    second i’d like to know badly how you guys (richard and wolfy) get over their lives despite the situation they are in.

    Hope you can help me too cause this life is not easy. Or at least point me to right directions.

    I need to be inspired to live, and getting it is just really overly complicated and impossible.

    Just tired.

    thanks!

  8. Hey Richard,
    My story exactly the same like yours… I love my best straight friend MADLY, i can spend whole night just watching him, but i never cross that line which will ward him away from me. Though otherwise, we are close, and rely on each other, but still there there are differences which i notice.

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