I’m a 20 year old male, a little over a year ago I confessed to a friend that I was in love with him. I couldn’t have chosen a more inappropriate time and method (I wrote him a sloppy letter) because I discovered, beforehand, that he had begun dating a girl. After some serious conversations over the phone and hard thinking – we both quietly agreed to forget the whole ordeal and move on with our lives.
The problem is..
I’ve been trying to move on for the past year and I feel like I’ve made no progress except for the fact that this male friend of mine treats me like a stranger. I can understand why (because he is straight), but he was the one that suggested we forget about my feelings and my words and to “stay friends”. I have been trying to be “the friend” and he still treats me differently. He cannot carry a conversation with me, has stopped calling me and has even “forgotten” to say hi to me. Also ever since he went away to college, he’s been extremely moody and disrespectful – not just to me but to all of our other friends as well.
He was the first male that I ever had strong feelings for and made me truly realize that I’m not only attracted to females – but to males too. He is a Cancer and since I’m a Scorpio, we became instant friends when we first met because we had so much in common, but now I feel as if a falling out between us is occurring.
In truth, I’m very concerned on whether or not I should continue keeping a platonic relationship with this individual? Is he resenting me? Or scared of me?
Thanks for your help,
Lost in Oregon
I doubt he is resenting you. I am sure he is afraid of you and I am really glad you wrote. Because you’re a 20 year old gay man and the faster you can get yourself conscious and sophisticated about this, the better you’ll fare.
I am sure this guy likes you. He obviously does… you were friends. But try to see this from his perspective. He knows you are attracted to him, but he cannot reciprocate. He just doesn’t feel it. And it’s not personal. If he were looking for a man, he’d probably go right for you, but he’s not. He’s interested in women and there is not a damned thing he can do about it.
Now he said he wanted to be friends… to move ahead and I am not sure why this has not manifested, but there are two scenarios most likely. One, he’s just plain homophobic and he said something he didn’t mean just to get out of there. This is possible.
But it also possible you are making this hard for him. For example if you are making puppy dog eyes at him or sexualizing him in any way, then this might be the problem, Because I can tell you this:
I am a heterosexual woman who has made friends with lesbians since the 3rd grade. This is because I like women who don’t cow tow to men for the most part… but in whatever case, it’s common for my lesbian friends to develop an attraction to me.
And virtually every single one of them conveys their interest in me at some point and I have to explain that women hold no sexual appeal to me and in fact I am as crazy for men as humanly possible. And at that point, it is up to them to process this and to accept it and not everyone can do this.
And that’s not a judgment. I would have a very hard time hanging around someone I wanted but could not have. I am just saying, as a gay man, I am sure you want to be accepted with your sexuality included, and heterosexuals want the same privilege when dealing with you. So here is my advice:
Decide if this guy is a homophobe or otherwise. If he’s a homophobe, give up. Relent!! Find a new friend because this one is broken.
But on the other hand, if you are still carrying any kind of torch at all, try to put it down. And don’t be hurt about it, okay? Because it’s not personal! It’s just you are not the droid he is looking for.
And if you are guilty – apologize! Cop to what’s been going on. “Hey, man. I’m sorry. I know you’re not interested but I’ve kept an eye on you anyway. I’m going to stop now. I’m sorry…”
This is so worth doing because there will be more situations like this in the future. And if you understand and feel confident about how you’re going to deal with them, it can only lead you to a fuller, happier life that includes other people of all types.