I’m only 34. After I got married, my husband changed. He is a gambling addict with severe depression, and his sex drive is nil. I’m torn between remaining a dutiful wife or letting go of our marriage of 3 years. Even with counseling, our home isn’t a pleasant place and I’m battling fearfulness of failure & loss.
Why can’t I leave my marriage? I can’t figure out if it’s out of loyalty, fear, spiritual reasons or emotional problems. I’m really trying to understand if it’s me AND him (it’s my 2nd marriage) or just him. Will it ever get any better or should I painfully leave him in my past?
If I do this, I’m VERY FEARFUL of another emotional mess down the road. Thank you for ANY advice as I will seriously think on it.
Well, you sound perfectly miserable. I’m sure I would be same if I were married to a depressed man who threw our money away, while leaving me to shrivel up and die on the vine in the bed.
As to whose fault it is… well obviously, you have a very difficult partner here. However it was you who picked him. And why is that? You may as well stay until you can figure this out and with that I can probably help.
You have a multiple indications of a difficult love life in your chart and I don’t say that to depress you. If anything it should validate you, because it’s not like its news, right? You know this. So here’s my advice:
Forget about his gambling problem, his sex problem and his depression. These are all his problems to solve. Instead, try to focus on your own problems, which are easily as severe and debilitating as his.
Things like the fact you are crippled and paralyzed with fear. Fear that this is all you will ever have. Fear this is all you deserve. Fear of being judged. Fear of moving forward to quickly. Fear of not moving quickly enough. Fear of what people you know will think. Fear of what people you don’t know…people who you haven’t even met yet, will think in the future if they find out you are twice divorced.
You can resolve this stuff and you can thrive. I know this for sure because I am a fear-based person too and I was in a situation like yours once.
I was married for all of about 2 months when it became very apparent I had made a big mistake. And I thought like you. What am I going to do? Stay three years and make it look good on paper?
But then one night my husband came home from work. He’d seen a bumper sticker on his way home from work. “I’m going to get you one,” he said.
The bumper sticker?
“Men Are Assholes And I Married Their King”
“Oh really?” I said. I filed for divorce a week later which meant I had an eight week marriage, give or take.
That was about 20 years ago and you know what? Big deal. If anyone wants proof of my audacity, well there it is. If anyone wonders if I am going to be married to an asshole… well obviously I’m not. And it was embarrassing, I’ll admit. But it beat the hell out of wasting three years with that guy, you know? Never mind wasting, 30.