Avery writes on the Illegal Communication post:
“I envy the level of communication the two of you enjoy.”
Avery – We have a terrible time communicating. It did us in when we were kids but a Saturn cycle later, we work at this constantly, and I mean constantly and it’s all textbook stuff. Fear, control, quashing of communication, trepidation, deprivation… la la la
“I have to step on my voice all the time,” I said. “Constantly.”
“Why? What won’t or can’t you tell me?” he asked.
“All kinds of things. Any number of things. For example I can’t call you a sweet name, which I would like to do. It is in my nature. I am affectionate by my nature as you know but I have to watch myself with you all the time, this is just the way it is.”
“Why can’t you call me whatever you want to call me?”
“Same reason as always. I am afraid of your reaction. I call you a sweet name and then what? You already drive yourself crazy just being in love. You think you’re soft somehow. You think you have a balloon on your nose. You think all kinds of things… like I will turn you into a pillow or a bar of soap with the edges all worn off.”
“It’s true. You are forever concerned your edges will melt so I call you some sweet name and who knows what conniption fit will result? You may turn inside out because of it. How will you feel, all ruined and sugarcoated? You already complain constantly about the effects of your lovesick. I am pretty sure one sweet name will be the living end. It’s much safer to put my hands on the rhino when I can. I can love you that way and call you sir, or some other formal thing that does not tax you because if you get taxed, I get taxed. So as it is, I just be a little nice and leave you offerings now and then. Here. Have a donut. I’ll leave it here and I won’t look while you eat it. But routinely call you some pet name? I would anticipate a month long rant while you begrudgingly adjust… I just don’t like to see you uncomfortable so this is what I do. I keep the words in my mouth.”
Don’t do it, P.”
“Well, I’ll think about not doing it but I’ve only got so much stamina to watch you whiplash around due kindness I might offer. Because you will stomp around about it. I mean, it’s amusing but it also takes up the whole day so it just seems prudent to use your formal name and postpone otherwise and change in general.”
Is there someone you are afraid to talk to? How about people who may be afraid to talk to you?