It’s not a big secret – I come from a background of severe abuse. I don’t see things the way most people do.
I didn’t know this when I was young. How would I? I grew up in the desert with no phone or TV. My family had one car, which my father took to work, in town. This left us completely isolated.
It’s not as sad as it sounds. It would take a long time for me to explain that. It’s off-topic for what I want to try to convey here so I’ll move on. I just don’t want people crying for me. There’s no need.
I realize now; I grew up in an alternative universe. Further my universe was unique.
By that I mean, there was no community. I’m comparing my experience to the experience of an Amish child. “Abuse”, in the Amish community, I don’t know. But the Amish are definitely offline, so to speak. And when they go to town, everyone knows they don’t belong. This we have in common.
Now I didn’t have anyone to explain this to me. I have always felt I was normal and an okay person and even a funny, great person. Hey! It’s my world which is part of my point.
My sister used to call me, Mowgli, from Jungle Book, meaning that Mowgli thought he belonged with the animals. He didn’t know he was a boy. He had no frame of reference and he certainly wasn’t worried about it.
I couldn’t argue this. I’ve also been called, Nell of the Internet (from the movie). I kind of understand this. Let’s say, I understand it enough. I’ve even been called and idiot savant!
Whatever my background, I got to town when I was fifteen. I didn’t suffer any repercussions from my abusive background until I was in my mid-late twenties, heading into my Saturn return.
I went to therapy at that time. This is where I learned to jump the track. Which is how I saw this.
I wrote this in 2014. It’s worth a read.
Well, I learned there was a track. I had to teach myself to jump it, which I did.
There’s a theme here. I taught myself to read, I taught myself math. I taught myself to drive that truck.
I taught myself to overcome trauma. I taught myself to tend bar when I was fifteen years old. I also taught myself astrology and many other things.
My chart explains this. I have Mars conjunct Mercury in my ninth house. I seek knowledge, relentlessly. *I* seek it.
I’m back on this abuse topic today because over the last few years, I’ve come to understand a lot of things that elude almost everyone. I’m not meaning to be arrogant. I can see things most cannot because of my of background. It’s like a person who grows up blind; chances are they can hear things I can’t.
My feeling at this point is that virtually everyone, everywhere, is on a track. Call me, “programmed” by my childhood. You are programmed by yours but also by what? Media?
It’s undeniable at this point. Deny it and I will laugh at you.
You’re also programmed by your education. Now this may freak people out but hopefully some can hear me. Education molds a person. There’s a lot of conditioning and you need to conform to be successful. I missed a lot of this training. Why?
Well, I started first grade when I was five and I could read on a seventh grade level. This had them take me out of first grade and put me in second grade so I could learn to write cursive writing which was prerequisite to attending third grade. I learned to write my letters, then started third grade when I was six.
When I finished two-thirds of my math book over the first weekend of of third grade, they took me out of third grade and had me work in the office and do other tasks.
Can you see how I missed class? I missed almost everything. Phonics for example. If you teach yourself to read when you’re four, there are no phonics. I lack commonality with people on many, many levels. I have tried to merge but it’s impossible.
As an example, I see my husband and his son watch vintage MTV together, which they did thirty years ago. They enjoy this tremendously. I can enjoy their enjoyment but these short videos provide no emotional hit or sense of nostalgia for me – why? Because I never saw them before in my life! Consequently, no emotion is stirred. The stuff just looks dated to me. It also does not match the pictures my mind created to accompany the music, which I am familiar with.
This is why my ideas are often out-of-bounds and clashing. I don’t look to “the teacher” or any other authority for answers because… well, they were all busy teaching their classes, which I was not a part of. My training was very simple. Want to know something? Go to the library and figure it out.
My mother wanted nothing to do with me. Double Aquarius, right? Get out of here and whatever you do, don’t be an idiot, or commit the mortal sin of boring people! That was her line!
You can consider me an outcast or a weirdo or whatever. You’re not wrong! But at this point, I’m grateful for the way I grew up and I mean this, sincerely.
No, I don’t like being beaten or any of the other horrific things that were done to me, but God brought good out of the bad. I see the necessity for a person like me. It takes a lot to faze me and I mean A LOT. If you’re really in trouble, you want a person will a cool head to help. But there is more.
People are socialized to feel like victims, in large part. It weakens the spirit. Just as important, their attention and with it, their energy, is captured by the various screens in our lives in this day and age.
I’m sorry but this is also undeniable. When your attention is focused on your phone, there’s an interaction there. I hope it’s positive but it’s probably not. Why? Because as years have passed what is accessible on your phone or tablet or computer has become more and more controlled. This is especially true if you’re four or fourteen and you think you’re accessing all the information there is. No need to take your eyes off the screen.
For clarity (I hope), I want to mention this other phenomena I’m aware of. People look at me and project all kinds of crap on me, due to my background. They draw conclusions about my feelings and/or my character or my motivations, nodding at my history to validate their ideas which are almost always erroneous. They tell themselves a story, basically and believe me, they believe it.
I’m talking about intelligent, educated people. It’s like that have a flowchart. If this -> then that. But the equation is faulty!
If the core equation is off, your odds of getting the right answer are virtually zero. But the person doesn’t know this. How would they know it? Chances are the person who might check their work has the same jacked up flowchart! It’s ingenious.
I’ve only recently come to understand this. The flowchart becomes the person’s “gospel” so to speak. Like the train analogy above. They’ve memorized the material and believe it to be irrefutable. That’s their track and they go ’round and ’round with their wrong conclusions. It’s just like a person whose dad said they were ugly. Decades pass and they live not just with, but in that scarring.
So what about this matrix thing? Most have some idea what I’m talking about. It’s about breaking your programming, regardless of where it came from. Most know by now. they were taught things that are wrong and untrue. They were misinformed. I’m not blaming teachers or parents for that matter. The same thing happened to the teacher or the parents. They seem to be finding out now. And guess what they weren’t taught. They were not taught how to get out or even that you can get out.
It takes courage. It takes determination. But life has become so insufferable for people, more and more are ready and willing to admit something has gone wrong. I snapped in 2015 and reported the event here:
I think this will be very important for Saturn in Pisces. I became aware there was a problem, when Saturn was transiting Virgo. That post was written with Saturn in Sagittarius. I realized I believed lies! Now Saturn will head into Pisces and these transits are tied. What do you think about working to really understand the beauty in this world? It’s a marvel.
I’m going to stop here. I don’t know if this is comprehensible. I’m hoping some can hear me. I’ve sat on this for many months… more than a year.
I’m eight years old in the top picture and five in the lower one. I don’t know what you see but I see a free-thinking son-of-bitch who likes dogs, living undercover with a library card.
Who are you? How were you programmed? Are you good with it or do you feel like breaking the chains to go out of bounds?