I’ll start by saying that I lived in Texas for about five years prior and dated a woman for four of them. We became very close and she always seemed to care about what I thought… but we had problems. I caught her coming -very- close to cheating on several occasions.
Due to money constraints, I was forced to leave college and her in Texas, and move to New York to live with my parents (so that I would be able to continue going back to school at some point). The second day into traveling to NY I had found she had already found another, or quite possibly had another lined up, despite her being very emotional when I said goodbye.
I think I should also note this was my first serious relationship. When I arrived in NY, I was crushed and isolated myself from my family and social events in hopes that the pain would subside. Seven months later; it hasn’t. I’m worried because I either lost my drive for anything else (college, a career, dating, anything) during that relationship, or I’ve lost it as a result of losing that relationship. I know find myself continually isolated and resorting to escapism in the hopes that I don’t have to deal with the more cruel side of human emotions.
Why am I feeling this way? I honestly don’t understand. How can I force or push myself through this to get on with my life socially, professionally, and emotionally?
I am sorry for your loss. You have Neptune in hard aspect to both your Moon and Venus which essentially means you idealize love and women in general. There is tendency to deceive and or be deceived in relationships, a tendency towards escapism and extreme susceptibility to addiction (escapism) of all type, including love.
So this is who you are. It is a natal condition. And there are positive ways you can work with it, but you are going to have to find a way to overcome your inertia.
Now that may sound stupid. But if you equate what you are doing to someone who is drinking heavily, which is a fair comparison, then obviously that person needs to get to sober. And no one is saying it is easy. However there is very little anyone can do until and unless the drinker… or in this case, the “piner” decides to clutch it up and go cold turkey.
Because the the fact is, this woman is no longer your woman. And repeatedly falling on a knife (or hanging from a cross) is not changing that and it never it will. Matter of fact, it sounds as if she had one foot out the door for awhile there – and I don’t say that to hurt you. I just want you to face facts. Like drinking all day is not a good idea, stopping your life over a woman who hasn’t thought of you in months is not wise and I think you should stop.
Quit going back and dreaming her up! To quote Reverend Ike as mentioned in Caroline Casey’s book “Making The Gods Work For You” “If you can dream it up, you can dream it down.” And this is what you need to learn.
It is your imagination making this mortal woman into the be all, end all. Try very hard to assimilate that because it is the key not only to freedom from this situation but to the rest of your life.
Because you are an inspired, creative man. And you are currently wasting your energy keeping a hologram of a dream relationship that never was, alive. Stop it! Although your nature may dictate you dream something up, surely you can come up with something better than this woman who is gone. Try to redirect your energy… your imagination this is towards something that is creative, as opposed to destructive.