Fear of Commitment – Venus Square Uranus

venus rosettiDear Elsa,

My last serious relationship grew out of a friendship.  After two years, we suddenly realized we were in love with each other. This relationship ended abruptly after just eight months, when he decided it had gotten too serious.  

About a year later, I started dating another man.  We’ve only been dating for about three months, and usually by now I’ve fallen in love – in the past I’ve fallen quite fast!  But while sometimes I adore my new beau, there are times I feel quite detached from him.  

I’m concerned about these feelings. Sometimes I feel that I should know right away and have strong feelings like I did in my last relationship.  But I also realize that it took two years for those feelings to grow out of our friendship.

Is my detachment due to fears of being hurt again… or is he truly not the one for me?

Thanks,
Unsure Lover

Dear Unsure Lover,

You’re detached in relationship by your nature. You’re commitment-phobic! I don’t mean that in a nasty way. I am commitment-phobic myself.

People with Venus tied up with Uranus in their chart are prone to sudden attractions – relationships that start on a dime. It’s all very thrilling and then BAM. They end the same way they start, in an instant. “Whoops, changed my mind! I’m out of here!”

People who operate this way find each other because they have something in common. They don’t want to be tied down! They work both sides of this – and you have. Sometimes you detach. Sometimes the other person does it for you, but the result is the same. You’re FREE! And this is what you really want.

There’s a great astrologer, Stephen Arroyo, who writes about this aspect in his book, “Relationships and Life Cycles: Astrological Patterns of Personal Experience”. He once set up practice near a military base and 7 out of the 10 women he saw have Venus tied to Uranus in their chart. Know why? Because these women were free from their husband for seven months a year! PERFECT! Perfect, if you’re wired this way, that is.

So just think about this. You hook up with someone and here comes the day-in-day-out drudgery of it all. Is that really for you? I’m not sure it is. Venus/ Uranus loves on-and-off relationships and relationship with “friends”. Distance is the point. And freedom.

You can do anything you want, but getting a conscious grip on what you want in a relationship is probably a good place to start .

Good luck

Are you trying to overcome your commitment-phobia? 

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Fear of Commitment – Venus Square Uranus — 24 Comments

  1. What does that mean, “Venus tied up with Uranus”? My lover and I both have Venus in water signs and Uranus in air signs and we both love our independence from each other as well as our closeness. Our Mars signs are both air as well.

  2. Yup! Venus conjunct uranus & pluto in the 11th. Commitment phobia. I went into relationships stayed for about 30 or so days got bored & went on to someone else. Ended up with 2 very serious relationships. 1st one-5 years. Never a dull moment with that one. 2nd guy married him. 20 years later still going. He’s a workaholic. Keeps him out of my hair.I still get that feeling of wanting to run at times but I’m committed and I refuse to give up. I’m stubborn like that.

  3. read somewhere—can’t think where now—that uranus mars/venus people or transits often have a “wartime” feeling; I think the text used reincarnation language (i.e. person was recently in a life marked by war; transit experience was in relation to a prior life war trauma) to say the couple (or at least one partner) comes together under this intense stress/emotions connected to that

    • David Need, that perspective feels very near what happens in my relationships … needing or attracting that intensity as in war makes for an uncommon bond.

  4. My husband has 11th House Venus sextiles Uranus near his MC. Your post has lit a light for me, to explain why from time-to-time we repel one another. Then, at other times when life is a ‘war-zone’ as David Need has pointed out, we come together with uncommon bond(age). When he did work away during the week, life was different:)

  5. Venus in Aquarius trine Uranus… after two failed marriages I dated Sagittarius man with both Venus and Mars in Aquarius in his 7th house…conjunct my Venus. It was a 10 year crash course that taught me that for my relationship to last I required freedom. His early words to me were… “you have your life… I have mine… and we have our time together”. It finally ended. Several years later I met another Sagittarius man with Uranus it the 7th… We are committed to one another… but he has his life and home… I have mine… and after 8 years it’s still exciting and the best relationship either of us have ever had. Oh… and we met in a very Uranian way… online.

    • one additional point… both of these men have Venus Saturn aspects and all three of us have Venus Pluto aspects… I can relate to the “uncommon bond(age)” mentioned above.

  6. Oh yes!! I found this out in spades. Got into a relationship once with a guy with Uranus in Cancer in the 7th AND Venus in Aquarius. Only found out later what his problem was. I, myself, have the Sun and Venus in Aquarius BUT since I have a Libra Moon, a Leo Asc.,and Saturn in Aquarius, I need a lot more commitment and relationship material from a guy.

    I ended up hating him.

  7. Yeah I can relate with Venus square Uranus but I also have venus square Neptune …. Which sucks… Sudden attractions that leave me suffering & pining… Sure I’m wired that way but it can be really painful

    • Silvergirl , I also have Venus trine Uranus , and Saturn square Venus. Can you explain what you mean by ‘ouch’ really interested to read how you see those aspects playing out in your life. Yep, it’s hard .

  8. Venus sextile Uranus in my 11th. Yes..I have had relationships across an ocean, across Europe, with unique, fascinating men…though my Venus is in Libra I never have the clingy feeling and now I know why. Married to a Cancer with Venus square Uranus in the 11th and we can give each other perfect space….or happily hang out at home. It all makes sense. He was the only proposal I felt ok about accepting and now, the “why” is clearer.

    • And he had relationships and moved on..we were both so similar but after being single we somehow fell in love, got engaged, coped with living together though my commitment phobia was higher, my Virgo and Libra tamped it down… He too was jumpy but committed and is more the one to call and etc. So much makes sense now. I tend to go for more interesting men and while he is a professional, law firm partner, steady … He is not the dry suit. And we both stay together married without smothering….so fascinating. Thank you for this post!

  9. I realized I need freedom in my relationship or I will just not be happy at all. My ex, 12H Leo Sun, 8H Taurus Moon, 12 Virgo Venus, 9H Gemini Mars, wanted to be around me constantly. He loved my energy. I loved his, but being around him 24/7 with no time to do my own thing drained the fuck out of me. What made it even worse was that he stayed in his car outside of my mom’s house!!! Granted, I did offer him permission to do so, but little games such as getting upset if I didn’t want to stay or saying “I wanted us to do this tonight…” It was my first real physical relationship and I wanted to give it my all so I made the sacrifice of my time and energy to be with him just to make it work without little time to myself. Only when he or I was at work even then we would call each other at work!! The stability, I liked. But I just didn’t have space to breathe or create and we would always bicker over stupid shit. We only had sex about 3 times out of the 8 months we were together. I NEED AND WANT SEX. That’s one of the reasons I WANT to be committed. Just staying in that car with him all the time and all his fire and witty silver tongue air kept grating against my water and sensible earth. I would have to tell myself that I wanted it even though inside I wanted to RUN. One morning, I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran after mulling it over for about a month or so. I loved him and he’s a great guy. The circumstances just weren’t right… I mean, you move in your car 3 months into our relationship with nowhere to go. Of course I’m going to offer you a safe haven!!! I just needed space and everytime I tried to get some a line of fire was opened. Sigh. Next relationship, I will have my space and my closeness as well. It’s all about a healthy balance.

    Libra Rising, 7H Mars, Venus opposite Neptune/Uranus.

  10. You are spot on with this one Elsa. It took years for me to admit my Venus conj. Uranus (Leo) in the 6th house pointed to a love of freedom/friendship and attach/detatch. I’m a Gem sun with a Sag moon and am meant to be the eternal bachelor! At one time I thought this made me an unfeeling person but I’m over that.

  11. Uranus conjunction sun Moon. Venus, or mars
    Creates fire works, , like this isss the best , exactly everything I have ever dreamed of , however, fire works
    Do one thing :
    They
    FIZZLE f—-n OUT!!!
    I have Uranus in Taurus in my 5th house 16 degrees
    Which issss ruled by Venus,
    How this has affected love relationships AND relationship with my children OMG! All that the 5th. house represents
    There is always a little romantic flirt going on with Taurus men,
    Who I found lousy lovers
    And dreamers ,but do not get their dreams expressed
    Interesting , because Taurus is an earth sign they plant. find then highly creative ,and they can always engage my interest!
    One of the best beings who made the most difference to me I ever had in this existence was a Taurus , and it Fizzeled out!
    But I will be greatful to to that being eternally!

  12. Have to give my last guy a shout out because if it hadn’t been for him I may never have searched myself as deeply and intensely as I have this past few years with him. Always saw Venus sesquisquare Uranus as a “minor” aspect. Believe me, there is nothing minor about this aspect. First, it is exact from 8th house Uranus to 1st house Venus (which conjuncts NN which conjuncts moon – indicating many sudden changes). When I met my husband it was love at first sight. The relationship lasted 7 years (a Uranus cycle) and ended with us not even being friends. I do, however, want a solid relationship, and that’s why I’m trying to learn to work with this energy.My last guy (Cancer) and I met at work. My sun is conjunct his scorpio descendant by 1/2 a degree, but on the 6th house side. When we met I fell head over heels in love with him. His moon is part of a moon/neptune conjunction, conjunct my sun and saturn – all within 3-1/2 degrees scorpio. BUT his Uranus/Pluto conjunction squares my moon/venus/NN. When I first saw the interaspects, my heart sank because I was so afraid that we would end up as we now are. The U/P conjunction is sextile to our stellium, but it was not strong enough to support the square to my first house conjunctions. Someone described a “war-like” aspect and I felt that I was always fighting for this man’s love, attention and affection. I knew he cared about me some, but never felt emotionally supported by him. Cancer rules my 8th house and Uranus sits there in Leo. I am not attracted to Leo men at all, but love Cancer men. I have spent years and years absolutely single with a few brief encounters. It is now starting to look like I am just going to be single or as James said – the eternal bachelorette. Funny thing is when I was younger I sort of knew this, but have always been driven to find that special relationship. Libra Mars/Neptune also square Leo Uranus, but Mars novile Uranus (open to explanations on this one).

  13. Oh my. I’m a Venus trine Uranus. And throw in Pluto conj Uranus trine Venus, too. I hate clingy. I hate having to open myself completely to someone. I want passion but need my space. :/

  14. It’s like trying to figure out how to hold on and let go at the same time. Reminds me of a movie I watched with my last BF (thought it was Uma Thurman, but can’t find it) about a woman who was engaged/married, but regularly had trysts with other men, and would return to her fiance/husband as if nothing had changed. A young man fell in love with her and decided to break up her relationship, and had to learn that someone could love another person and be themselves at the same time. My friend asked what I thought about it and I said it made perfect sense to me. She and the fiance/husband were in love and accepted each other as there were. There was no doubt about that. Needless to say, he didn’t agree LOL.

  15. I have venus in virgo – 12th house squares uranus in sagittarius 4 th house. In fact I consider myself a traditional person but it seems just atract this people who don’t want to commit and generally treat me poorly. I have sun in libra and alone during years, tried recently a “relationship-friendship?” with a guy with sun in aries, venus in aquarius , moon in capricorn and it was one of the worst experiences that happened in my life. I honestly prefer to be alone than with a guy like him.

  16. Venus in Cancer makes me very clingy. Moon is in mutual reception with Venus. I don’t recognize the commitment-phobic part at all.
    The Uranus part of me is that I fall for the outsider. And the thing is: there are not many outsiders as there are mainstream people. Or as I shrink says: you are a very special person, so you have to find your special SO with a lantern.

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