Boyfriend Making Excuses Around Getting Married: Cancer Sun, Venus Saturn Conjunction

Dear Elsa,

I have been dating a man for six months. We have been close friends for three years, but I’m noticing that he has a very hard time talking about the future. Anytime I bring up marriage or future issues, he changes the subject or puts me off with excuses. He is in a job transition at the moment, and things are a little insecure in that department. I agree with that. But they certainly are not insecure with me (financially), so I can not see what the big issue is.

The other thing is that he is 40. He was married for 10 years but divorced 12 years ago. I just do not think he will ever commit.

Any advice on how to approach the issue or should I lay off for a while? I just don’t want to be the fool who is strung along for years, only to be let down.

Thanks,
Girlfriend

Dear Girlfriend,

No I don’t think you should lay off, provided you know what you want. Do you want to be married? Are you sure of this? If you are sure this is what you want, then it is completely reasonable for you to communicate this to your boyfriend, and at 40 years old he ought to be able to respond and let you know if he has a similar desire.

Now from the tone of your email, it does seem you are trying to herd him somewhere he is not really wanting to go. But backing off in an attempt to take the pressure off him with the hopes of advancing your agenda… well, this is where you will be getting into trouble.

See, it’s all very false. You’re going to act like you don’t care if you marry or not and then if he doesn’t marry you, you’re going to cry foul? See how jacked up that is?

I say if you really want to marry, then you need to invest in a marriage-minded man. And if this guy is not inclined in that direction, you need to find that out so you can move along and the best way to do that is directly. Work to get, work to keep! Remember that. But beyond all this, here’s a little tip regarding your chart:

You have conflicting desires around this issue of marriage, like so many of us do. You’re a Cancer with a Venus Saturn conjunction and you definitely want commitment for security purposes but this is not the whole book on you.

You’re got other indications of being a freedom loving commitment-phobe yourself and I think he is living this side of you. Get it? He doesn’t commit which spares you having to commit!

Just think about it, okay? Think about having this guy committed to you 100%. Can you feel the itch?

And I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. It’s just that some people spend a whole hell of a lot of time chasing something they think they want, when what will really satisfy them is a whole different deal.

Good luck.

 

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Comments

Boyfriend Making Excuses Around Getting Married: Cancer Sun, Venus Saturn Conjunction — 6 Comments

  1. My God, Elsa, you just recapped all six seasons of Sex and the City in one post. Carrie Bradshaw should’ve written to you. Too bad you didn’t have a blog then.

  2. “Work to get, work to keep! Remember that.”

    I think this may stand to be clarified. Having been reading you for years now, Elsa, (I think) I know what you’re saying here, because you have said this before:

    If you have to work to get [the man], you’ll forever have to work to keep [the man]. Not a good thing.

    It is better to hitch up with someone who *wants* to be [married] with you in the first place.

  3. Hmmm! Isn’t Elsa saying that Girlfriend is not the commitment type either, that she should stop fantasizing about something she doesn’t really want but relax and enjoy what she already has??
    Did I read it wrong?

  4. I think Elsa is saying that if Girlfriend really wants a commitment, Girlfriend should first examine her own fears about commitment. In other words: If you want something, you first have to work on your own issues bc you are sabotaging yourself by projecting your fears about commitment unto someone else. That’s not the same as saying: Hey, relax and enjoy what you have already. Girlfriend is not going to relax and enjoy what she has, hello, there’s Saturn involved–not exactly the planet of easygoing fun and carefree dalliances!

  5. If I may say one more thing: I think that the term commitment brings up a lot of very traditional images in people: the perfect wedding, the picket-fence, etc. And while we all want loyalty in our partners (another way of thinking of commitment is loyalty), not all of us want a traditional marriage. I think that nowadays we are poised to find new structures (Saturn) for showing the permanence of our love (Venus). I mean, a gay marriage is a structure that is also non-traditional. All I’m saying is that I don’t think is as simple as saying: I don’t want to commit or I want to commit. I think that maybe for people with Saturn/Venus contacts, that it might ease their worries to find a creative solution to the idea of commitment or marriage. This doesn’t apply to girlfriend but I don’t think it’s as simple as what Goddess said bc I don’t think that it’s always a negative thing to actually get what you want. If you’re not mature and you’re not clear about what you want, yes, you have to be careful what you ask for. But if you do a lot of soul-searching and psychological work, who’s to say you won’t find exactly what you asked for and that it won’t make you happy?

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