I’m going through some rough and tense time. In April I got out of a very difficult relationship where I was emotionally unfulfilled. We didn’t quite relate in matters of planning the future, values, money etc. He seemed very self-sufficient, detached and unwilling (or fearful) of commitment to any plan or vision – for me these things are normal for a couple to build and pursue together. It was very hard for me to let go.
Nevertheless, I was relieved and eventually very happy being alone, spending more with family and friends, contemplating on my past issues and developing my career.
A few weeks ago I met this new guy with whom I instantly clicked. Although we didn’t spend much time together, we were very drawn together and astonished about how similar we are in our views, tastes, humor. The problem? I feel I need some time for myself right now and on the other hand I wish I could be in a beautiful, solid relationship, which I can very well imagine with this man.
I fear that I will fall in love to quickly, expect too much too soon or that I will be exposed to same negative experiences as with my ex. I sometimes feel I have to fight my own battles first (especially build my self-confidence and develop my talents) and the romance could or should wait. And then I think this is very selfish and cowardly, because I cannot plan everything in life and some ‘things’ just happen!
I tell myself I should loosen up a bit and try with this new man, but somehow it is hard for me to loosen up right now. What do you think, is there hope for me, or maybe for us?
ps I apologize for mistakes; English is not my native language.
Yes of course there is hope! The core issue here is your fear… of everything. Fear of going too fast, fear of making a mistake, fear of trusting your feelings… of doing the wrong thing, of being wrong, selfish, a coward, etc. etc. etc.
And my fear is that if you don’t address this, you’re simply going to continue to suffer no matter what you do. So obviously I think you should focus on the fact you are fear-based and at this point, frozen in fear. Not so you can beat yourself up, but so you can begin to heal.
Now I don’t know who jacked you up so bad. I don’t know who gave you such a profoundly strong message that there was something wrong with you, but at this point you are an adult and this is your problem to solve and I’ll tell you how to start to go about this.
You have got to become your own parent… and an exemplary one at that. Now I think I’m a pretty good parent so let me tell you what I tell my kids. I tell them to do whatever they want, as long as it don’t hurt others. I tell them to always trust and honor their feelings. I tell them that love is always a good thing. I tell them to respect other people, always. Their space, their time, their feelings.
When they’re afraid, I sympathize, but ultimately I tell them that it doesn’t matter how scared they are. If they don’t face their fear and do the thing they are so scared to do their life will be very compromised and very painful. I tell them that what they fear will happen almost never does and even if it does, so what? “It won’t end you,” I say. “You’ll still be here and you’ll be a person who knows how to live…”
And I think you ought to start giving yourself similar messages. And it will take time, but you will slowly see improvement. I would also recommend you read everything you can find concerning fear, and conquering it. “Gift Of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker is my favorite.
Do this! Because I can tell you for sure, if you head down this road you will see things improve… your relationships included of course. And one more thing:
Your English is excellent. It’s better than mine, I am sure many would agree. Take care and good luck.
That’s ok Elsa. We know that you speak the languages of love, sex, astrology, humor and what… English is, like, your 5th language then? 😉
I think you do pretty good for it being your 5th language. Besides, we read you for the other languages that are so rarely spoken in our society, that are so needed for us, the learners.
Elsa, I really liked your parental advice, do you mind if I pass it on to my child?
Michelle – of course not! That’s what it’s there for. For whoever needs it, help yourself!
I was very moved when I read this advice this morning, Elsa. I copied and pasted it on my computer because I need this as well. (Saturn square Sun). I’ve been terrified of trying to get my writing published. I think it’s high time, I take the plunge. I’ll probably be reading your advice every day for the next couple of years. Thanks!