“You said you weren’t afraid of me and I want to keep it that way,” my husband said. “I don’t want you to ever feel afraid of me.”
I had no idea how to respond. I knew he was serious but the idea I would be afraid of him was foreign. It just seemed remote and unreal to which can be explained by the Saturn (fear) interaction with Neptune (ethereal) with Neptune in my chart. Logically I could understand but how are you supposed to make yourself feel terror you don’t feel any terror?
On the other hand I did not think it be right to tell him oh, I’d never be afraid of you. What do I know? Seems he would have better information on this.
“Er… yeah. I’m not afraid of you and don’t imagine I will become afraid of you. It is just hard for me to imagine,” I said.
“Well that would be great if you never did become scared of me. That’s what I want.”
“Me to not be afraid?”
“Yeah, P. I don’t like it that people are afraid of me. I want someone to not be afraid of me but everyone is. I don’t do anything to try to scare them but they are scared just the same.”
“Interesting. Well listen, I don’t feel like that. I don’t know what to tell you except I am not afraid of you and I never have been afraid of you. Further, I don’t know why you would think or expect I would be afraid of you. You have never done anything to me or threatened me in any way.”
“No I haven’t.”
“No you haven’t so it does not occur to me to be afraid. If you had done horrible things to me I might be afraid. I might! I also might not because I am just in general not scared even when something is authentically threatening.”
“Yeah, well I am like that. I am not scared even if I ought to be but outside of that I see no reason or way I would be afraid of you. What am I going to do? Wake up one day and say oh my God this guy is scary? Just come to that out of the blue sky?”
“I don’t know but that’s what I’m afraid of.”
“Well I don’t know how to reassure you. I don’t think I can. I also don’t think I can be afraid of you for no reason. With a reason, perhaps but I have no reason. Matter of fact I have every reason in the world to not be scared of you so what do you want me to do? How do I conjure this up and discuss it? How do I prove this to you? It would be like proving a negative wouldn’t it? I just don’t have these feelings in any way shape or form?”
“No, you don’t have to prove anything; I just want you to know how precious it is you feel this way. How much it means that you are not afraid of me.”
“Well okay. But just a reality check for you: I am not afraid of you because I have no reason to be afraid. You have no history of abusing me or any other woman on this planet in your life. Is that right?”
“Okay so for me to be afraid of you I would have to be crazy. I would have to make that up out of thin air like an insane person, am I right?”
“I suppose that’s right but people do that all the time.”
“Yeah I know, they think things about me all the time. People are crazy… many of them really are. The public is an ass. Some old man told me that and I think he was right for the most part.”
“Yes, the public is an ass but no the people who are afraid of me are not crazy, they are smart. They have good reason to be afraid of me.”
“Because I am scary,” he said. “I’m scary and they have the good sense to be scared.”
“So now I have no sense? Is this what you’re telling me?”
“No I’m not telling you that. I don’t know if you have sense or not, I’d have to think about it. What I am telling you is I am glad you are not afraid of me and I want to keep that way.”
“Um… okay. Then don’t do anything that will scare me,” I said.
“Yeah, that’s my plan.”
“Good. Because I don’t want some scary bastard.”
“Well you got one,” he said. “And he’s as scary as they come.”
I just laughed.
to be continued
pictured: Marshall Claxton, The lifeboat, 1862
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