Earlier this year, an old lover called me on the phone “to see how I was doing”. He left me abruptly with little explanation nearly 30 years ago and moved far away. We never argued or fought, had a lot of common interests, were very compatible physically and I thought were on our way to marriage, but I was wrong.
While he was away, he met, married and had children with someone else and they have been married for almost this whole time. He says his wife is insanely jealous and keeps him on a tight leash. I could hear the fear in his voice. They have been very successful financially, according to him.
I was so startled to hear his voice and at the fact that I even picked up the phone (I usually let it ring through) that I can hardly remember the conversation. Anyway, since his call I have been an emotional wreck. The sound of his voice again after all these years unhinged me. I never married or had children and I don’t date much, being preoccupied with aging parents who live some distance from me.
Until he called I hadn’t thought of him. What is going on and when will these tears end?
I feel horrible for you. Your pain is palpable and I wanted to post your letter so that at the very least it gets some air. I want to hold your pain to the light like this in, the hopes it will alleviate it even the tiniest bit. Because I get the idea you are isolated which can only intensify your feelings.
So now this is out here and people are reading it. People know this has happened and I am sure a good of them feel tremendous compassion for you. I know I do. But you are having a Pluto transit (and a Saturn transit to Pluto) and though I am going to try, I am not sure how much I can help.
First on the crying… forget about stopping the tears. On the contrary, I think you should cry and cry and cry. Cry as hard as you can. Cry until you get it out. Tears stop when they damn well please.
And if you cry long enough to get good at it, you’ll realize how healing they are. I know I’ve cried a lot of tears… way more than my share and these days when the tears run down my face, I smile. I smile because I like being an emotional person. I like being vulnerable and I like being alive. And this is what is happening to you right now. You are alive like you’ve never been before and I’ll explain.
You’re 55. And what you’re coming to terms with is your own mortality. Your parents are getting up there and then look what happens. This guy shows up to remind you how many years have passed. And where did they go? And what other paths might you have taken? And what about the path you did take?
These are painful things to ponder. Because you can’t turn back the clock and redo anything. And this is the process you’re in right now. And it sounds like your Ex is in a similar place.
What would his life have been like had he married you with your longer leash? I am sure it is painful for him to wonder but at the end of the day, or the end of next week, or next month, you will both have to come to terms with the fact that you are where you are and it is what it is.
And when that happens… when the mourning ends, the living will commence again and hopefully it will be sweeter than ever after having been reminded that our time here is limited and every bit of it, precious.
Much love. Take care and good luck.
pictured – Pluto, Agostino Carracci, 1557