Emotional Damage: What If It’s Them, Not You?

horrible-bitch.jpggoddess makes a good point on Emotional Damage Redux regarding her husband having to come to understand she was not like what he was used to:

“It didn’t take too long for him to figure out that I didn’t have the subtext criticism he’d become accustomed to from his ex. After that, it was much smoother…”

I’m a magnet for projection given my chart. I deal with it, directly:

“I don’t care what some horrible bitch did to you in the past. I am not a horrible bitch, I have never been a horrible bitch, I have no history of this. I have never mistreated a man or cheated on a man in my life. I have never taken a man to the cleaners or anything even remotely akin to what you are talking about so until I do, I don’t want hear about it. You can have that expectation of me if you wish. If you want to think I’d do something like that – I am going change my ways after a lifetime of otherwise then go ahead but by God, don’t bother me about it because it’s got nothing to do with me.”

And really, why should I have to deal with the fact some gal cleaned some guy out financially when I’ve never taken a dime off a man in my life?

If you think about it in these terms you can see it’s just not fair (Libra) to put this stuff on people.

Do you put stuff on people that does not belong there?



Emotional Damage: What If It’s Them, Not You? — 9 Comments

  1. Hell yes, but in my eyes, it totally belongs there. And I never think I’m wrong. I think my intuition is completely messed up. I could give endless examples, but all the folks here are hetero, so I don’t want to write about things people can’t relate to/understand.

  2. Yeah, I think I’m over doing this with exes. It’s the damn parents that are still in the way. My BF and I have the same parent (okay, not really!) – his mom is exactly my father and treated us the same ways growing up and to this day, so when we get into something, we each admit that we may be overreacting (I can tap into something and he can to) … it’s not easy, but this has to be overcome! I think it’s even more emphasized (he just read this somewhere) now that we’re becoming parents.

  3. I went to a memorial service for a cousin two weeks ago. He was a gay man and very close to our mostly hetero family. Memorial services are no picnic, but this one was very good. The tributes from friends and family from all walks of life were amazing. One gal talked about the stuffed animal that he had given her when she was a few months old and the impact that he had on her life. It was so great for him to be remembered in this way. I wept when my mom spoke, at the emotion in her voice and the realization that she and all of us are growing older. I am not sure what point that I am trying to make or even if their is a point to this, but I thought that I would share this. I will miss him! I guess one of the points is that life is too short to spend much time worrying about other peoples sexual preferences.

  4. yes. i’m not sure we’re capable of not doing it, to some degree. but you can clear your eyes… if you pay attention. and reorient your patterns some.

    and, yeah, i’ve run into a number of issues where men i’m dating make assumptions about “all women” that i find offensive. some are more willing to adjust their thinking in light of reality than others…

  5. I still deal with this in my journal. I’m also much more aware of other people projecting onto me.

    I remember reading something here about projection, in 2007. I laughed out loud when I realized that that was what I’d been dealing with from another woman – I just felt so much better about everything.

  6. I have to make a very distinct, concerted effort not to do this. The real problem lies in the fact that I choose the same idiots over and over again…I was careful not to punish the last guy for the previous guy’s drinking problem, except it turns out he’s got a drinking problem of his own. But hey, I’ll give the next guy a chance too, until he proves on his own that I’ve choosen poorly once again 😉

  7. Sometimes, I guess. I have been yelled at for refusing to pick a restaurant to eat at, because I wouldn’t pick one for about ten years. I did that because my dad always got picky/threw shit fits at my suggestions, so I just plain stopped giving any. I’d rather not object to Denny’s if it’s going to lead to a half hour of fighting. And yes, I sorta expected I’d get into trouble if I picked the “wrong” place to eat, especially when I used to have a veggie friend who also rejected people’s suggestions and she reminded me of him in that. I hate it when the pickiest one there won’t just pick something THEY find acceptable, rather than pretending others have a say in this.

    Kat, I hear you on picking the same thing over again. I can’t really treat them as different with a totally clean slate when my exes have a staggering amount in common with each other. Like I should do an Excel chart for it or something 😛

  8. I try not to dump excess baggage on people. I give everyone a first chance, maybe even a second if the offense is a light one. But by the third time? They are gonna catch it for what they did along with the Ghosts of Baggage Past. lol

  9. Ooooh, I try really hard not to do that… Cause I hate when people do that to me.

    Neptune 1st house. Projection is not the word. I don’t know who’s doing what half the time, and usually end up taking the blame. Cause I think that’s the responsible thing to do… Strong Saturn in my chart.

    It’s so difficult sometimes though. But with Pluto currently conjunct my 5 deg Cap Venus/6 deg Cap Neptune, I’m beginning to get serious about who’s really at fault, and I’m beginning not to apologize for things I truly didn’t do. It’s really hard to change this pattern, when it’s so established. I guess you can say Ro is getting a major backbone. I’ve never been a pushover, by any means… But I have repeatedly apologized for mistakes I didn’t make. No more. 🙂 Feels good.

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