I am a bit anxious about my in-laws coming to visit soon. It’s been 5 years and my mother-in-law still rubs me the wrong way every time I see her. Even if it were easy to get over being treated like a toddler all the time, I would still have issues with her personality. She doesn’t seem like a genuine person to me. She has this unnerving smile that doesn’t go away even when she is berating me and I find it so hard to relate to her. We live in different states and it isn’t often that I see her; but no matter how much I try to be pleasant and appreciative, I find her smothering and domineering and do anything I can to avoid being with her.
Her birthday is in mid April and I was wondering if there is some universal incompatibility between Libra and Aries women that might explain all this. I do not usually have issues getting along with people at all and this situation rather baffles me. I would appreciate any insight you might be willing to lend to this situation.
No, there is not universal incompatibility between Aries and Libra – however they are both Cardinal signs and want to be in charge. Further your Moon is in Cancer, another Cardinal sign and I am sure that quite rightly, you would like to be acknowledged as the woman in charge in your home. And then here comes this bitch.
And I do see it that way. I deplore women who want to micromanage their sons or control their son’s partners. Wanting to continue to be primary in their son’s lives, they just refuse to step aside and let the younger woman establish herself and this is what I think is happening to you.
Now here’s the dilemma. I don’t think you’re going to get this woman to relent. If she ever does, it will occur due a shift that originates with her and I would not hold my breath waiting for this to happen because the odds it will are abysmal. So what to do?
Well it sounds like you’re good with your husband and that’s the main thing. And since your mother-in-law is living in another state, your exposure is limited so be sure to keep it that way.
Outside of that, this really is a fight you can’t win. You try to control her, she tries to control you, then you try to control her and no one gets anywhere. So I would practice detaching when she’s around. And it won’t come naturally but it will ease some of your grief if you consciously decide to defer to her every desire when she’s around – knowing full well she can only be around for a week or so and that’s it. This is the extent of her reach.
And it’s not a perfect solution, but if you choose otherwise you’re just going to chew yourself up. So just tell yourself that someone crazy is coming to stay with you, and act accordingly. Because it is crazy to insert yourself into your adult child’s marriage like this and we all know that crazy people can’t help themselves.
And one more thing. Has your husband told her to back off? Because he should.
Yes, he should tell his mom to step off.
Personally, although admittedly I’m not terribly cardinal (4 planets and my ASC), I find it easier to smile or murmur noncomittedly and do whatever I want anyway. Especially if what the other person is wanting my agreement on is something they rightfully should have no say in!
Although Elsa’a advice is quite stellar (no pun intended), I don’t think you should immediately defer to you in-law’s demands. Some people will expect a mile when all you are willing to give is an inch. If it’s truly not important to you, then acquiesce gracefully… but stick to your guns on your most passionate beliefs.
This is two family butting-in questions close together. Is this another astro-trend, like with the rash of porn q’s earlier this year? Hrm…. 😉
I would suggest to all concerned that she might like to stay in a nearby hotel :). Then she can complain about the hotel to the hotel instead of find fault with you. You can also then *manage the time* you choose to spend with her – and you do not have to endure her on your home ground.
I also enjoy the detachment approach. Why? Because some people LOVE TO FIGHT! And they will do anything to make it happen! You can be perfect, and that doesn’t matter.
They’ll find the one little thing you didn’t do right and is open for criticism (ie. in the open) and pounce on it. And they can’t do that if you aren’t around. So don’t just detach. Make plans to be elsewhere. Offer to take a friend’s kids off their hands for the weekend. Go dancing and stay up all night talking with a friend. Don’t bother arguing with anyone about the hag staying in a bloody hotel–stay in it yourself! Now, doesn’t that sound like fun?
It doesn’t matter how you get out of the boxing ring. You can jump out or get thrown! But sometimes you’re waiting for that little bell to ring and end it all. I suggest you ring it yourself.
And remember, she’s his mother, not yours. One weekend of leaving the two of them alone for that “quality micromanaging time” and he’ll stick up for you. That is a promise.
And never forget, Aries are trailblazers most of the time, but they also need to be led. Deep down in every fighter, I am convinced there is a part of the soul that is exhausted by it. If you give her what she wants–her son for the weekend–the results might be radically different for all involved.
you know, there is one huge perk to detaching when she goes into control freak mode-it will drive her INSANE! at the very least, you may be able to forget about feeling frustrated and get a chuckle or two out of her craziness. The big part is to realize that her impact on your mood is what you allow it to be and nothing more.
A few possibly helpful phrases to remember:
“Well, that’s one idea/way of looking at it.”
“We’ll take it into consideration.” or “We’ll keep that in mind for next time.”
“You need that information why?” or “What are you going to do with that information?”
I like the get out of dodge idea except I’d hate the idea of her snooping around my house…let her stay at the hotel!! Privacy for everyone.
Thank God my mother-in-law was a sweet WONDERFUL unhelpful woman!!