Desperately Seeking Closure

Dear Elsa,

I need closure. Several years ago, I tried to have a serious relationship with a good friend of mine. But he was in the military and in no way interested in settling down. Despite being 3000 miles apart, we managed to talk to each other every week or so.
I, being a woman, also thought I could change his point of view on the permanence of our relationship. Learned I couldn’t, made a fool of myself, and we stopped all contact. I won’t shame myself by telling you how many years I spent on this.

Fast forward to a few years ago: he got stationed in a war zone and we ended up emailing each other, returning to the pre-relationship friendship that I had been so sorry to lose earlier. I was satisfied with that distance because I could trick myself into thinking that’s as far as it could ever go.

Then out of the blue, just a few months ago he ended up at MY house for a party sending my brother off to active duty. We sat and talked way into the night and it was just like old times. He’s changed a lot, admitted to being alone and lonely, and seemed a hell of a lot older and wiser. Since then I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him and wondering, “Well maybe things have changed….?”

I never had closure with him. He more or less just stopped talking to me and wouldn’t take my calls when we “broke up”. I need closure to fully get over this relationship that doesn’t really exist.

Please tell me for once and for all it’s over, so I can get him out of my head!


Dear Stuck,

Look. You’re jacking up your life here. You’re choosing to spend it looking wistfully off into the horizon at a boat you were very lucky to have missed. How long do you want to do this? You tell me. Because as far as I can tell, it’s all your energy. You’re in this alone.

The guy wants a friend, who doesn’t? But you’ve infused it with all sorts of grandiose stuff and you know it.

How can you get him out of your head? Easy! Quit feeding this. Let that boat sail! Stand on your little beach there and wave bye bye to the boat. Because it’s not coming to you, and you’re not going to it.

And don’t bother mourning. You’ve already been mourning a mirage for an embarrassing number of years, yes? Transcend, hon. The right boat can’t enter the picture until you do.

Good luck


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