Almost 2 years ago I moved across the country to be with a guy (and to get away from home). I’ve got a decent job; can afford to live, etc. etc. I still live with the guy, but I’m not happy. I don’t know if it’s him, or me.
I’ve almost come to the conclusion that I will not be happy anywhere. Sometimes I think I’ll be better off alone, but when I really think about what that involves, I start freaking out, and try not to think about it again.
I have a history of depression/anxiety and am not really currently being treated. Have tried drugs before, and not much difference really, something always suffers, last time it was sex. Been of the meds about 2 months and I still don’t want any. Is it him, or is it me? God (and maybe astrology) only knows.
I have the urge to up and move again, thinking it will solve my problems, somewhere rural, a small town, where everyone knows everyone else, life is simpler, etc. etc. I think it’s a case of the grass is always greener. What do you think?
Do I stay with him or go? What’s best for him (and me), but it’s really taking it’s toll on him. He’s a Sadge too, and I know I’m hurting him badly.
Mostly you sound confused, so how about a clearer perspective? Number one, I don’t think you have the right man. There’s no actual ambivalence regarding this, in your post. What you do have is a sense of responsibility that is overblown and over the top.
See, you’re unhappy in the relationship, so must be something wrong with you, right?
Well that’s just sick. Not that I don’t think you’re responsible, because I do! But you’ve got this twisted.
It’s your responsibility to set up your life in a way that makes you happy. It’s not your responsibility to make yourself happy with guy “A”, or guy “B” or any other specific man out there. Make sense?
I agree, your little town dreams of nirvana are probably escapist. But you’re unhappy in the relationship and so is he. You say you have the ways and means to leave, yes? Well, why would you stay?
I know you can understand sacrificing yourself to an unhappy relationship is not a very good plan for the future. You’re sparing him? No. He’s getting creamed, remember? In not taking your freedom, you are costing him his.
Look. You have your Sun, Moon, Mercury, Mars… etc. in Sadge. You must live your truth. You must live a life you believe in. This is your JOB. And this is your problem, too. Because right now, your life is one big fat lie.
You want to be responsible? Fine. Then find yourself some real ideals. How about living a life that reeks of truth and integrity? Because this is what you were made for this – nothing less. You’re supposed to be the proud horse looking out over the horizon, an example to us all, not some crippled up little thing. Get up and run and I promise you, you’ll find your path.