Death And Communication: Different People, Different Approaches…

venus and mars and cupid Giovanni Francesco BarbieriMy husband and I have our Mercuries (minds) in opposition.  I used to write about this all the time (100 posts Aries vs Libra) because it’s such an interesting dynamic.  The opposition is tight, for one thing but also, there is a real match or affinity in that his Mercury is in Aries (Mars) and my Mercury is in opposing sign Libra, conjunct Mars.  This gives us dueling mind like dueling banjos and to just to complete the picture, his north node is conjunct my Mars Mercury so he’s to be at least trying to understand me as I learn from him.

Last night, I was talking about my mother. I thought there was a good chance that I wake to a call this morning telling me that she had passed. I told my husband I thought it might be smart not to mention her death to various people. For example, I will meet some of his family over Christmas and I am not sure it would be that smart to walk in and say that my mother just died.

For one thing, it’s depressing but if I decided to do this, it would also be to protect myself.  If I mention my mother dying, people will say things to me and for all I know, I will burst into tears or heaving sob. How will this go over in the midst the festivities? How bad will I feel if my “dark” mars another person’s Christmas?  What if they start talking to me, or trying to comfort me in ways that make me feel worse?

I told my husband that based on this, I thought it might be best to contain the situation and just not mention it. “Know what I mean?” I asked.

He said he sort of knew what I meant but he didn’t say anything about anything to anyone but default so my whole pardigm was hard for him to understand.  Basically, I consider not mentioning something like this to be “withholding”. He considers it nothing.

I think this is a good illustration of how diverse people’s views or approaches can be. I am obviously considering the other (as well as myself).  In my husband’s paradigm, there is no other.

pictured – Giovanni Francesco Barbieri (February 8, 1591 – December 9, 1666); Venus, Mars and Cupid

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Death And Communication: Different People, Different Approaches… — 18 Comments

  1. I understand you point of view. It’s putting your stuff on other people, and perhaps people you don’t know very well. It’s that Debbie Downer scene. Now if it’s folks you know, and you want to keep it sweet and light, you can say it’s been a tough month and explain the internal process you’re going through and try to keep the lid on it. I think its a private sorrow that everyone will carry for a bit of time and how you choose to process it is certainly up to you alone. There is no right or wrong.
    Sounds Libra to me!

  2. Well, his perspective helped me because if I decide not to say anything (likely), it would feel inside as if I were withholding / not sharing and it’s illuminating to see this is totally okay, lol.

    I don’t know if I write well enough to convey the power of this opposition. It’s very taut. I am able to see my husband’s views (and benefit from them), because I have Libra. It is much harder for him to understand me. In fact it’s impossible 80% of the time. Thinking of others just makes no sense to him at all.

    He thinks he is thinking of himself and the others are thinking of themselves (or should be) and he just doesn’t get my way of thinking very often at all. I’ve had to come to accept this. It’s almost like a lobe of his brain is gone… and then here is with me, his son (5 planets in Libra), my son (Double Libra)… one of these days, hmm.

  3. I get it. I am somewhere between the two of you. Mercury and Mars in Leo. I do tend to do things however I want..sun square uranus. But I worry about my loyal subjects too.

  4. Oh is that the Libra mind in action, then. Well, that’s not so bad, to think about whether or not to tell people in advance that you are under a cloud.
    The Native Americans had/have a basket outside the home, hanging near the front door as if to say; “Check your baggage at the door.” or “Leave your troubles outside,” or maybe, “Leave your entities and miscellaneous imps outside the door.” lol I made that last one up.

  5. Love that Mercingemini!
    I think men in general are more focused on the center of things. Sans the thinking of themselves. Women seem to always take a parnoramic view and men have binoculars on. Women can iron, nurse a baby and watch a full length feature film all at the same time. Try talking about a gtocery list of anything to a man watching a football game. He’s not there. We’re wired differently. It’s ok in that ying tang way that makes the perfect unit.

  6. Elsa, my thoughts are with you. Xx

    I understand when you say that he doesn’t understand your point of view. It isn’t down to men or women its down to how they as a person choose to behave. Where he said ‘sort of understands’, I think he understands that you Elsa care about people and you don’t want to upset them nor be more upset yourself. However what he doesn’t understand is why you’re controlling yourself for other people. How you feel is how you feel. If your mother passes it isn’t your job to understand nor be compassionate about how they feel but the other way around. Its Libra thinking but also the Capricorn side of you that wants to put structure to your feelings and grievance. And really there isn’t a structure at a time like that its all about letting it hang out. I guess he didn’t say any more because he’s still trying to get his head around it and understand some more. I hope I don’t sound harsh.

  7. Thanks, Empress_Scorps. You don’t sound harsh but you don’t sound like him, either. He told me very specifically that he never tells anyone anything. He just doesn’t think his life is anyone’s business and this includes….well it includes everyone but me.

    I don’t feel like looking for it but we had a conversation (I posted) a couple years ago where he told me that if *I* died, he wouldn’t call anyone / tell anyone. I was pretty shocked.

    “If you want me to call someone, I’ll do it but left to my own devices, no, I wouldn’t call anyone. What would I call anyone?”

    “How would anyone know I was dead?”

    “I don’t know. They’d find out eventually I guess but it wouldn’t be because I called anyone. I’m not calling anyone. P, if you want me to call someone, then tell me and I’ll do it but otherwise it’s none of their business if you’re dead. “

  8. Wow… I see. I don’t mean to laugh but ‘its no ones business you died’. Wow. I’m laughing in shock. That is very shocking. The telling of someone dying is public property in terms of news and everyday conversation. There are times you hold back as in this case if you so choose but at other times it has to be said. Its not a nice piece of news but people have to be told. However I understand in a way… I have a tattoo on my wrist and everyone asks me who the name is and I tell people ‘its a long story’ cause I don’t want the sympathy. So it doesn’t look like a sad case, keeping it to yourself achieves that I suppose. And I only tell that to people who wasn’t around at the time. Like I said it isn’t a male/female thing… When the person that died, died my ex went and told people. He didn’t care.

    But your husband is thinking of himself. And I agree that its the case of he thinks that everyone thinks of themselves when in fact that isn’t true of the world sometimes. That’s the Aries thinking ‘me, me, me’. I’m And I’ve taken my time to reply cause I’m still shocked. I don’t even know what more to say to that.

  9. Lol. When people are at their most shocking is when they’re the most truthful. And to be honest its a good thing, at least you’re/they’re their own person and its no nonsense.

    I don’t doubt for a second that he’ll do that. Its truthful from himself and not many people are.

  10. Well I think people ought to ask questions like this of the people close to them because they may also have surprising things to say.

    For the record, after mulling how he felt about this and verifying he would not be examining my cell phone, I told him he should call, Annalisa and contact either, satori, HQ or the Mechanic and then let these two people get the word out. So I won’t just disappear.

    If you think he’d come on here and write something, think again. To him, this blog is a light that I provide and if I am dead, that’s the end of the light. Little Match Girl, see? He thinks I am her and she could not be saved…or replaced.

  11. My Mercury is conj Jupiter in Pisces. If I talk about something, I really talk about it and get it all out, cry, whatnot.

    When I was going through my first divorce, I said nothing to anyone at work. I needed that space to be separate from what I was going through at home so I could just be “normal” at work.

  12. I’ve known people like that in some respects – in fact the Man was like that. A Taurus male friend with whom I spent a lot of time over several years yarning in bars was like that too – they’ll both answer questions if you push a bit, but neither would volunteer information, ever – especially about themselves.

    In your husband’s case, I’m sure his military training has done a lot to reinforce this natural tendency in him. Information is only offered on a ‘need to know’ basis – and that need is very narrowly defined

  13. Isernia, that makes sense. We’re on the same wavelength.

    BP, that’s interesting and probably does have some play but also, my husband just doesn’t like to talk to people. He says he’s just not a “chatty motherfucker” and people know this of course.

    What I guess people don’t know (myself included) is why he talks to me 15 times a day. He just likes, P for some reason. He just likes to see what P is up to and what she’s thinkin’. 🙂

  14. In my informal will I’ve left to my husband, I’ve included a list of email addresses to send a note to tell them in case I died.

    I’ve also included an email address of a friend translator who would help in communicating this in English.

    I have a Saturn-ruled 8H and Mercury in Cap and I want the people know the facts in the way I want to present them. What they do with the information is their thing, not mine.

  15. Bahahaha! This has almost always been my experience I put all this effort into planning how to say/act/do and the person I am explaining it to …just shrugs and nods.

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