Dating: Mixed Messages And Other Inconsistencies

Do you send your partner or people you date, mixed messages? This seems very common to me, both from women and men. For example, a 39 year old man tells a woman he is looking for a serious relationship but proceeds to push her away as he also pulls her in. Also, he’s never had a serious relationship in his life, or he claims to have had five serious relationships, each lasting a year and it’s just ludicrous.

On the woman’s side, they tend to say they are not looking for a serious relationship but their behavior says otherwise. They say the only want a little…some kind of bare minimum man but in fact, they are demanding to a point that is beyond all reason.

People say they want true love, real love, blah blah. But invariably the people they choose are utterly unavailable for such a thing and this condition is easily determined. I am not talking about someone who goes on a dating site and conceals his marriage. I am talking about a man who goes on a dating site, tells you he’s had a bad break-up and he’d dating around, trying to recover. That bad break-up might have been five years ago, but you know. He’s hurtin’. He’s hurting so bad, he’s emailing, texting and probably screwing 4 or 5 dating site women, juggling them, and this is the guy you pick? It’s no wonder people are struggling.

Some feel that once you get to a certain age, say 35 or 40 and up, what you have is exactly what you want, whether you realize it or not.

Do you give your partners or potential partners mixed messages? How consistent are you when it comes to words and actions?

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Comments

Dating: Mixed Messages And Other Inconsistencies — 17 Comments

  1. I probably send out some serious mixed messages, to be frank. I mean, I know what I want (mostly), but I also know it’s 100:1 odds of me finding it so I’m pretty much working my way through the 99 “nots.”
    I think my big mistake comes from hanging onto the “maybes.” I’m going to have to let that go. I’m only hurting my cause and at the same time stringing along some great guys that could be perfect — for someone else.

    At this point, I think I’m going to have to give myself a 6-month (or maybe even 3-month) ultimatum. If I know they’re not viable long-term, multi-year guys for me, I should cut ’em loose.

  2. My divorce has been final for one year, and I’m not dating yet. However, I have always been honest in the past (not that it meant anything). I am going to be very clear with what I’m looking for when it happens. I can’t stand wasting time doing anything else.

  3. I think I was in this camp for awhile – saying I wanted a relationship and then doing everything I could to mess it up even subconsiously. Or saying I didn’t want anything and holding on to dear life to anything that seemed promising.

    I’m in my early 20s and I can see this straightening out, probably with Saturn finishing my first and in my second now.

    Right now I am getting serious and direct and deciding that my wishy-washiness is what’s attracting wishy-washiness and confusion

    If I want to partner, I have to recognize my patterns and intuition when it’s telling me to stop being an idiot and this has what’s happened

    So, hopefully if I keep in line for long enough, a good balance of a man will come up or develop and i’ll be able to recognize it, while also being able to fulfill the same role as the type of partner i want

  4. Chelley is right – if you dont have it worked out in your head down to your subconscious what you want, you will send mixed messages unknowingly

  5. I was honest and straight forward. But I changed what I wanted to get what I have, leaving me plenty of pause to consider why I changed what I wanted………….
    Angie

  6. Sorry for double posting. I just remembered and found this quote by Kahlil Gibran on (true) love:

    “… But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
    Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
    Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

  7. I don’t. What you see is what you get (unfortunatley neptune in the 1st makes that hard for me to convey that – people don’t want to belive it) and I say straight out what I will deal with and won’t deal with when it comes to men. Scorpio Rising – you think I can’t smell your BS a mile away? Think again!

    If a dude is taking 5 years to get over something, he will probably NEVER be over it. He has more baggage than the International airport. And the thing is too – when it takes that long, you will end up being a “substitute” for the woman he really wants (the one he can’t get over) but can’t have – you won’t ever win. You won’t be a priority in this life because you won’t be the “love of his life”. That is why it is hard to date divorced/widowed men sometimes – esp. if they were the dumpee on the divorced side – they really don’t want YOU – they want the ex. But they can’t have her – and they can’t stand to be alone (or horny) – so you are the “next best thing”.

    Make no bones about it – I know what I want and what I don’t want. And I ain’t carrying anyones baggage around for them…no sir!

    I am 42 and honestly I am not as picky as I used to be but some things can’t be compromised anymore – not wasting my time on it. So, yeah, I know better what I WANT and NEED ( and what I can’t STAND) more than I did 20 years ago. But I guess when you are younger you don’t mind wasting a little time.

    Not that I feel like time is running out – I don’t. Don’t want kids or marriage so no pressure for me but I don’t want to waste time anymore. Not on someone that I don’t really want to be with.

  8. Just to add too -I find that most men don’t know what the hell they want – and it doens’t matter their age.

    This explains the odd phenomena when men hound you like a dog when they first meet you and are interested, date you once or twice, fall off the face of the earth and than surface FOUR months later and call you like nothing happened. Dude, it is FOUR months! You think I am going to talk to after you mysteriously disappear with NO explanation first and call me like nothing happened. I am not stupid! Why do men even bother doing this? They think we are going to forget what they did or something?

  9. When I was younger, I wanted someone older and ambitious. After that experience, I wanted someone more interested in me than in his monetary goals. I wish there were a middle ground here because neither way is right. My only solution is to become the person I wanted to find all along!

  10. It’s true, queenfluff — most men are absolutely clueless as to what they want, or maybe truer; they might have an idea, but don’t have the where-with-all to WORK for it.

    I do my best to present as approachable and forthright. Mystery is one thing, but hidden agendas are another. Relationship with someone who’s honest with themselves is work enough, but dating folks who have no clue or just want to be serviced; I just don’t have time for. I’m way too busy having a good time with myself !

  11. Not during the dating process and actions taken to build a rapport, but in conversation and discussions I often entertain ideas that are not my own for the sake of being open to new ideas. Sometimes this is misconstrued as me subscribing to these ideas personally.

    But when asked for my opinion and personal preferences, I say what I mean and tell them what I can offer at this point in time. If I’m hurting, I make it clear I’m not ready for more until I’m back on my feet. Sometimes too blunt and direct, actually.

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