So my daughter had been in bad shape for some weeks and it’s very strange about my life, but whenever I (and others) think it can’t get any worse, it does! ::smiles::
And anyone who knows me would tell you this is the case which means my friends have to have superior coping skills just to be my friends. Because fact is, it’s very hard to love someone and watch them suffer the way I (and my family) do.
So things will go along pretty poorly, and then drop a few degrees and then they’ll drop a few more degrees, and then another few degrees, etc. And as things advance (I think of it that way because I know we are going through something) I react in ways that are predictable and very human, or at least typical for the type human I am.
With the tide up to our necks (my son is also intimately affected of course) it’s very important I remain afloat. I just can’t crash, obviously. I am the mother!
So I try to maintain a certain level of function. My daughter doesn’t go to school, does not mean my son does not go to school, for example. My goal is to have both kids in school and learning each day but I take what I can get.
And I try to maintain other things. This blog, for one. It’s very important to me and it’s good for my daughter to see me coping. It empowers her. It gives her faith that we are merely going through something that can be gotten through. Life is going on. Because the times she has seem me scared… well she has become terrified. So I try to maintain the illusion (Neptune) of stability (Saturn). I try to keep the house… not in shambles and I try to fulfill my commitments and maintain my relationships regardless of the rising water.
I think if I were in the Titanic movie, I would be one of musicians in the quartet at the end who continue to play their instruments as the ship sinks. And were they in denial? Well no. It’s just that crisis happens and some people just live through them… to the living end if this is what is coming and I would be one of these types. For example, I will probably post a blog the day I die. Wanna bet?
Another thing I try to do is to maintain my optimism. This is fairly easy for me, due my nature. But it doesn’t come without a price. Because when you’re constantly expecting tomorrow to be better and it winds up worse, which causes you to expect the next day to be better and IT winds up worse. And when this pattern continues to repeat itself… after awhile it becomes a set up for a mighty big fall. Which does happen to me. On occasion I just lose my mind.
For example, I always hope the next day or the next week my daughter will be able to go back to school and I hope this mindlessly. My hope is not based in logic. My hope comes from the fact that it’s my nature to be hopeful. But sometimes the veil will drop and Neptune types understand the horror when this happens.
All the sudden I’ll think, hold on now. She hasn’t been to school reliably in a month. What makes you think she’ll make it next month? And hey! School gets out in May! She may not make it the rest of the year! Duh!
And when I start thinking like this, I do get overwhelmed. Already completely saturated, I can become overwhelmed with negative thoughts and feeling that just cascade one after another.
Well she missed most of 6th grade and now 7th. What if she misses 8th? 9th? 10th? 19th? What if she never goes back to school? What if this is all it ever is? What if, what if, what if?
And intellectually I can know all about living in the moment, but at times a moment when I can do that eludes me right up until the beach rises up under my feet and I find myself grounded again. Whew!
Skip to “Making a Bid For Control”
Can you relate to this cycle of faith and optimism followed by despair?
Catch up with “Coping… The Present Conditions…”
OR the whole 9 yards – -> The Coping with Saturn Neptune blogs – various stories and anecdotes start here: It’s a Hall of Mirrors and We’re All In it