I have always felt whatever I do is “not good enough” and I look for reassurance constantly. Through persistence, hard work and conscientiousness, I have had a successful career and relationships – and from the outside, I seem to have things reasonably together.
What follows sounds trivial and I cite it as merely the latest example of a pattern. A while back I started a blog. From the outset I found it a real creative outlet, made online friendships, and I have seen my writing skills improve considerably. However, I constantly compare myself to other bloggers (they are more talented than I am, get more comments, are more confident and popular) to the point where it is blighting my enjoyment of writing and blogging. The current sense of depression and inadequacy about my seemingly average writing is so strong.
I put up a post recently that got no comments at all and felt like sticking my head in the oven! I exaggerate but you get my drift.
Any advice, Elsa? I come from a childhood where praise and recognition seemed in short supply, but I don’t want to be defeated by this. I hate feeling so threatened by others’ abilities and success – these are people that I like. How can I separate out what I do from who I am? And take pleasure in doing something for the sake of it and not feel diminished if it isn’t praised to the hilt?
On the scale of the planet’s problems this is very trivial I know, but this trait of judging myself unfavorably has dogged me my whole life. I’m fed up with it and embarrassed that I still have such an adolescent hang-up.
Planets In Leo
This is an enormously interesting question because you describe the pathology of your entire generation. You the baby boomers all have Pluto in Leo and consequently a powerful need for attention and to be recognized as special. Leo is the perennial shiny child and if you look around, you can see this all over the place – the face lifts alone!
Baby boomers aren’t coping with aging all that well. Everyone wants to be the one who managed to hit 60 years old with nary a wrinkle. How’s that for special? So know this: You are not alone.
And your timing to be asking this kind of thing is sublime. Because Saturn is transiting Leo now, pressuring you to “grow up” and face reality – which is exactly what your question addresses. Saturn transits always ask you to define something and Leo represents the creative self. So this is where relief lies. By defining what is singular and creative about you.
For example, no one could have written that post up there but you. It came out of your psyche, your soul, and your fingers. So considering that, it doesn’t matter what another person may have written today. This is your product.
And it doesn’t matter if it’s popular either. Because here’s the revelation: Popular does not equal special! MySpace is popular, but is it special? The popular girl in high school is popular and may think she is special, but is she? Generally not! She’s the one who blends in!
So here’s the path to satisfaction. Dig down deep (Pluto) to excavate what is authentically special (Leo) about you and then work (Saturn) to manifest it in the world. And I’ve given you a hint.
With all your Virgo and Gemini, I think you are a writer. And you have perfectly articulated the question an entire generation is asking right now, so what’s that tell you? Could you be a voice for your generation? Yes.
Does this mean you are Hemingway? No. But it could be your niche and I promise you if you find that… if you find the shoe you were meant to wear, you will be satisfied beyond your wildest dreams and that is what is special.