Resolving Commitment-Phobia

Uranus symbol modI have been a life-long commitment-phobic. I don’t think this is like alcoholism – once a commitment-phobic, always a commitment-phobic. I didn’t know this until I’d actually resolved this myself. It hit me the other night,  this is the first time in my life I have ever felt settled in a relationship.

I work with a lot of women who are either like me or they date men like me and commonly it’s both.  I may be someone’s girlfriend or even someone’s wife but deep down, I know (and they know) that the situation is for now. It’s happening in the moment and at no time have I ever been able to see myself with someone, five years down the road, say. We may be solidly partnered, seen as partnered, etc. but deep down, I don’t believe it. Deep down, I have never committed. Considering this, you might imagine my shock to realize I am actually settled now.

As for the astrology, I have Uranus in the 7th house (classic) and a very strong Jupiter signature in my chart. I don’t know what to say besides the impulse to jump the fence is… well, it’s inborn.

Are you a commitment-phobic? If yes, do you think it can be resolved?  Are you even interested in resolving it?

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Comments

Resolving Commitment-Phobia — 50 Comments

  1. I don’t have this problem, but I tend to know people who do, among other relationship problems. People are not perfect, and so neither are relationships.

  2. Raises hand.

    I do think it will eventually be resolved. I am trying to do that right now. I think that is what the cardinal cross brought to my life. Whether I will ever be successful I guess time will tell.

  3. I guess I’ve never thought about this as being a commitmentphob, but it’s me all over. The way you describe it, in the middle paragraph, that describes how I’ve always felt so clearly. I have no planets in my cappy ruled 7th, only my North Node, so I don’t know where this comes from? Maybe 7th ruler (Saturn) in Gemini/11th and loosely conjunct venus?

    I can’t fathom this idea, but yet, here it is right in front of me, now I feel surprised.
    Angie

  4. I’m a huge commitmentphob… even when I was married, I felt trapped. had my chart n the Sagi’s chart kind of read last week… 2 commitmentphobe’s equals slow motion… we r trying, but it ain’t easy, which is exactly what one of the people who took a look said… ugh… at least we r talking/texting about our feelings again … Saturn in Libra for Libras … OMGeeee….

  5. Dear Elsa, what your write resounds in me, because it’s me…I long for the peaceful relationship that will last all times, but I cannot commit? I think it’s because I’m looking for some kind of perfection. I’ve met someone just recently, and again – he is so loving – and I am so afraid…
    Venus (Gemini) and Saturn (Cancer) both in House 7 for me.

  6. Part of me desperately wants to commit and the other part really really doesn’t want to be shoved into the Wife Box.

    I don’t really have a choice in the matter these days though, life has pretty much settled which side wins upon me. Which is probably a good thing, really. I may want to be married on some level, but I don’t want to be The Wife, and unfortunately I’d be stuck with it.

    I do agree with LisLioness that having a guy who isn’t in your hair 24-7 is a good thing, though.

  7. This is definitely me – I am pulled to extremes – wanting commitment, searching for the right guy but at the same time have great difficulty letting any guy in who is “available”. I don’t want to lose my independence, don’t want to be told what to do or what to wear. I have had such relationship trauma that I am only interested in relationships on my terms with men that I choose.

    The signatures are everywhere – Venus Scorp sq Saturn in the 7th – Jupiter in the 9th – Mars/Uranus/Pluto stellium, Sun/Merc/Juno in Sagittarius, Moon in Gemini. Push/pull energy all over my chart.

  8. I have aquarius on the DC. I attract commitment-phobes… because the commitment phobia is in ME and I project.

    perhaps the key is to “settle in,” as opposed to “settle for.”

  9. but i’m not so unsettled by it as i used to be. there’s stuff at work, that’s been at work, that’ll be at work, for me to snap my fingers and have it change.

    it’s a long, slow process that seems, actually, to have its own order.

    i try to fight myself less; definitely don’t beat myself up like i used to.

  10. I definitely feel my commitment-phobia…Aquarius on the 7th, venus opposite uranus and probably jupiter conjunct my sun.

    I also get involved with people who feel understood by me but I don’t really feel seen by them. I’m in a relationship now for quite some time but I still feel weird about it. I think its lasted so long because he has a venus/uranus conjunction and he is my best friend.

  11. Before I ever married for the first time I had this commitment phobia. However once I married for the first time even though I was not committed to that man. I found that I enjoyed the being partnered to a great degree. Once that first marriage split I married again relatively quickly that marriage lasted for 20 years but I was truly only committed the first 8 years of that relationship. Once it was over I felt that may be I was not a good judge of who was right for me but I married for the 3rd time I am very committed to this relationship and very settled in it is a wonderful relationship so far.

  12. I have huge issues with commitment. 8th House Saturn (aspects everything)in T-square with Uranus/Sun.
    I made several life-altering commitments when Saturn transited my 7th House and was okay with it, but had emotional fallout I wasn’t anticipating. I have unrealistic expectations of what I can accomplish with my freedom sometimes, I admit it.

    One of the most useful things I have taken from consult with Elsa was ‘As good as it gets’–also: working within my parameters. I am always going to carry a particular kind of tension.
    The trick (for me) is to not blame anyone ELSE for it–it is my shit to deal with.

  13. No commitment phobia here *Libra moon winks*…

    Although, when I was dating way back when, I wished there was a mark or tattoo on those men who were..it would have saved me a lot of time and heartache.

  14. I have Sagittarius rising and Uranus conjunct Sun. I like my freedom and don’t want to be boxed-in in any traditional way. I was married for seven years and never very comfortable. It took years to get use to wearing the ring and about 2 days to get use to not wearing it. (I don’t like rings in general. Feels like my circulation is being cut off.)

    But, I’ve been dating someone new for the past 8 months and I am feeling great. He doesn’t make me feel stifled at all. I don’t know if something has changed in me, if it is just this person is somehow more a more suited partner, or if it is Saturn in Libra is working its thing.

    The new guy and I were born less than 24 hours apart. Everything but our moons are an exact conjunction. Maybe his energy is so similar to mine that I don’t get spooked???

  15. Wow venusinvirgo, that’s a strange one! Were you born in the same nursing home? (I always wonder about that… it would make a good study for comparing charts)

    I am and I’m not, but mostly am. I always thought all I wanted was home and marriage, but as soon as I was faced with the prospect – lovely reliable guy who adored me and whom I loved in my way – I finished it. I knew I wasn’t in love any more – that wore off once Id ‘got him’… He wasn’t exciting enough. The kind of men I’ve been crazy about either haven’t been good husband material, or have been shackled to someone else in a moribund but committed relationship.

    I was very jealous of my freedom in my 20s, and it wasn’t until I met the actor (age c28) that I found someone I really knew I wanted to commit to, and that didn’t go anywhere. I was so emotionally drained after that I did marry, but I found it very very hard at first and for quite long time, being part of a ‘couple’ and feeling my movements, spending etc etc were subject to sharing (felt like surveillance!)

    I really worked at it and I was a good wife in the end but I had to grow into it. But by the time the marriage fell apart we’d been spending less and less time together and I frankly enjoyed feeling unencumbered again once I was free.

    I don’t think I could live with anyone else now and I understand that about myself – I need plenty of space and I need a relationship which is *always* a bit of a challenge, otherwise the romance and passion goes out of it… and that’s what most excites me (and teaches me), not sharing the washing up and the mortgage and the car-run to shops and school!

  16. Is it my imagination, or do comm-phobe people have no problem hooking up. It must be part of their appeal, an undercurrent of potential flight–

  17. I’m a commitment phobe and I have trouble hooking up suddenly too. The men I find interesting and attractive aren’t looking for me, and the men who are interested in me I’m not attracted to.

    I realized I was commitment shy when THE MAN, a man I was crazy about and totally in love with made noises about me moving closer to his town and my throat started swelling shut. I had to hold the phone away so he didn’t hear my panicked breathing.

    After 3/4 years I get to where I have to get free or I feel like I’ll smother. They start to smell like lard, repulsive and sweaty and I can’t ignore the smell. (I know, it’s weird – it’s my stepfather’s smell) I actually find myself repelled by them.

  18. Well, I don’t know if I am or not! But I’ve stopped looking. I was engaged three times, and got out of it each time, thankfully. All three guys would have been a disaster to be married to. (All three were emotionally abusive, and one was physically so.) I finally realized I was picking guys so I could heal my stuff. And as I did, gee, they didn’t want to change. I had to leave to save my life. To keep healing.
    So now, basically, I’m tired. Trying to survive, and make my life better. I don’t have the energy to be in a relationship, and I don’t trust myself enough to be able to pick someone who lifts me up instead of tearing me down. I’ve been alone for 9 years, lonely sometimes, but happy with my friends, dogs and horses. I’m amazed and grateful to have lived through everything I have.
    Does that make me commitment-phobic? I don’t know.
    You’d think I’d want a partnership, considering I’m Libra sun, moon, mars, jupiter. Just not convinced it’s worth having.

  19. @Blessed Place, Nope not even born in the same state. My mom, who has been studying astrology for 30 years can’t believe that two people born that close together would be interested in each other. She thinks it sounds very boring. But we do have all different houses and moon signs. (I’m 1 degree Taurus, he’s Aries.)

    We do have similar timing. Saying things at the same time, sending emails at the same time. Met our ex’s at the same time, together with them for the same amount of time, and divorced the same year. (Didn’t know each other through any of this.) A lot of the same quirks too.

    I can’t help but wonder if it’s a joke from the Universe to show me that I’m not that great to date, by having me date someone very much like me. Ha! It might be my comeuppance!!

  20. I’m commitment-phobic in the sense that I know what my commitment is worth. I don’t give it away lightly, though I am very capable of committing once I decide to.

    And, really, I think that’s what it boils down to: you have to decide to commit. Once you do, once you decide to stick with it no matter what, the tension of “should I run?” goes away.

    But that could just be me projecting again. 😉

  21. The beautiful thing is when ¨you/they¨ Dont hurt men feelings

    Its a big searching

    I am happy for you and the Soldier 🙂

  22. yep, with venus/mars in sadge, I tend to run ALOT. But with all of my water, I want a deep commitment. When I do run, I always come back to make things work. It’s pretty topsy turvy and painful. I’m getting to the point where I’m a little more settled and can see the bigger picture, but it’s still hard to stay put. Although, I am always monogamous.

  23. re: satori’s “settling in” vs “settling for”

    I have Uranus in 7th (plus lots of other conflicting Aquarius vs Libra stuff).

    The way I resolved my Aquarius vs Libra in the past was I *settled in* very (too) quickly with the one I *settled for*, also very (too) quickly.

    I don’t do that anymore. Which means I’m still alone since my divorce 6 years ago.

    There have been a few attempts at relationships, but too much “settling for” would have been required, so there has been no “settling in”.

  24. yes. i don’t know. very.
    t minus t months and panic button’s setting in.
    i hear that’s normal. i just want it to be over so we can get to figuring out the post wedding life rather than dealing with all this planning stuff and anticipation.

  25. what i wonder is, whether people who were commitment phobic previously, but not anymore, have overcame their phobia after getting married or before. Maybe commitment phobia comes when the person or timing doesn’t feel right, either you didnt meet the right person, or you did, but it is not meant to be yet, you need to be alone for a while. And when the timing and the person is right, maybe com-phobia goes away. What do you think?
    For instance, Elsa, did you got over your c-phobia after you are married and got used to it, or by the time you were getting married to the soldier?

  26. Only in my job! I’ve outright bolted from a few of them that I could tell wouldn’t work out. Relationship-wise though, solid as a rock.

  27. “For instance, Elsa, did you got over your c-phobia after you are married and got used to it, or by the time you were getting married to the soldier?”

    @ seraphine, I resolved this before I married and it was a process that took place over time.

    Basically I came to see that the cost of what I was doing outweighed the benefits. Once I could see that, I worked it out. I re-thought my life and realigned so I would be on a more satisfying path.

  28. Sometimes it’s a matter of never having met the right person, and the problem is that by that time it can be hard to find room for someone esle in your life: it does involve a loss of ego, and big adjustments. You have to ‘give away’ a lot.

    Sometimes, like for The Man in my life, it’s a genuine inability to commit – and I do think astrology can help here. Some people are genuinely commitment-phobic: it’s in their DNA.

    Since I’ve been studying my lover’s chart it’s helped me to recognise that his commitment phobia is an essential part of his nature, and not something willful. Yes he is ‘selfish’, but he can’t help it – and I had to learn to deal with it, and he’s had to learn to mitigate the consequences. Telling me “I’ll always come back to you – you know that don’t you?” was as close to commitment he has ever come, or probably could – I didn’t understand that 20 years ago!

  29. timely topic. I’ve got Venus-Uranus and a Sag Moon and Aries Mars on the 7th cusp. I’ve been proposed to a few times and sooo relieved I did not commit, even after all this time.
    Flip side was “committing” to unavailable personalities but we all know that’s not commitment, or it’s fake commitment.

    Since Saturn entered the Libra I’m longing. And wondering what kind of person a committed partnership would work with. Plus I can also be heavily intense and possessive all while wanting all this space and freedom. Darn.

    @VenusinVirgo – oaw!!! I dated someone like this when I was really really young, it’s said that there’s no stimulation for growth in such cases etc. but I disagreed then and still do now. Maybe it’s because of the chart type/configuration. I wish you the best with this relationship and it would be great to see more about your dynamics with him on the board! I hope you keep on feeling great!

    @moonPluto, its not your imagination. No problems hooking up here! Too easy in fact, especially in youth.

  30. Yeah, I have Aquarius on the DC and Uranus conjunct Moon on the AC! But I also have Venus-Pluto conjoined, which wants a close relationship. Saturn on the 5th cusp, which is scared and serious when it comes to love. Lots of contradictions, which has made things difficult. Over the last 10 years or so (I’m 51), I attracted a string of men I got involved with who left after 3-9 months, and it was painful.

    I’m finally with someone – met 1 1/2 years ago when Saturn was transiting my Sun – who lets me be who I am and who is very steadily attached to me, while I’ve gone through lots of fears and thought I’d have to jump, but I’ve stuck with it. It’s been a slow, careful process for me. He has Venus sextile Saturn in his chart, and we have some Saturn synastry plus other good synastry. Plus he has Scorp Moon – they do glom on! He is eccentric enough for my Leo Moon-Uranus, plus letting me be myself.

  31. A few years ago I got attracted to the most anti-commitment-person on this Universe: Aqua Sun + Moon, Sag Asc, Venus/Uranus square, Saturn in Libra. Until I came to see the exact same “qualities” inside of me: Sun/Uranus, Mars in Aqua, Venus/Uranus, NN in Aqua.

  32. I can relate to this 100%. I also have Uranus in the 7th house, and Mars in the 1st (Gemini) opposite Uranus in the 7th (Sagittarius) and Gemini rising, Jupiter in Aquarius and the 9th house. Makes relationships very difficult!

    I have Venus conjunct Mercury in Aries (11th house) and my sun AND moon in Taurus and the 12th house. Whilst I crave inner security and spirituality, the kind of security that comes with the 12th house is very personal and private, and I’m very reluctant to truly ‘open up’ to anyone and share myself 100%. With Venus in Aries I am more fond of the chase and I get bored easily once routine sets in.. and yes since I have been seeing someone for awhile now I do get sudden changes of heart that scare me.

    He travels alot, and I think I am more worried about my own feelings changing suddenly than I am about his, although at the beginning it seemed I was more worried about him having a change of heart.. before I had a look in the mirror! For me to remain ‘stimulated’ I think I would need a couple of casual no-strings relationships on the go and one ‘serious’ one with someone who is away infrequently because often the distance keeps me interested.

    Still a work in progress I think.

  33. I have Libra rising and Neptune in the first house so while I think I really want to partner up… there is my Mar Aquarius that always has one foot out the door.
    @Elsa…The fact that you were able to get back and commit to your true love gives me hope.

  34. Uranus in the 7th here, too. I’d be *shocked* if i ever got married. I would just be waiting for it to end. Expecting it. So, i never really invest myself. Lol.

  35. I have an 11th house Sun AND Venus, Mercury, Chiron and MC in Aquarius AND Uranus sextile Jupiter, opposite a 9th house Moon.
    I was married for 20 years… I’ve been divorced for over 12 years and don’t seem to be able to commit to anyone these days. However, I believe “I don’t want to be in a relationship” actually translates to “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you”. If I found The One I would be able to commit again, I’m sure.

  36. I have a Capricorn Venus but my Venus is square to Uranus in Leo. I have been married and though when I was younger never saw myself as ever being married, after I committed I went through the honeymoon period. After the same problems were there as before we got married after a while, I became very disillusioned; not with marriage but with ours. I tried everything – therapy, marriage counseling…nothing helped. So I left. What to do? I would love to be in a committed relationship…but it does not seem in the stars for me. I would rather be alone than start something new and feel trapped. So I know this now before getting into anything else right now. With Uranus in Aries in my 5th house, I don’t think it’s the time since Venus is in RX either.

  37. Another pearler post here!
    Yep another c-phobic here; Aqu Sun, Saturn in Saggi, but my Asc in Taurus seems to have sorted this for me too.

    I feed my moon (Leo), feed my Sun with loads of freedom/independence, consciously juggle my Saggi with wisdom based projects/work and have a conscious dialogue with myself on needs/wants/desire.

    It took 2 marriages, a lot of astrology delving/understanding and a heap of selfmastery/honesty to sort this one.

    Now I love the energy it brings into my life ie enthusiasm, variety, fun-seeker. We both benefit and that’s a win/win.

  38. I stay but I don’t commit. I’ve been working to resolve this. Seeing the bigger picture. Understanding that here is just as good as there. Knowing I need space at home but attachment in other ways. Meditation.

  39. HUGE commitment phobe here!!! I’m 50, and still single. As for Uranus aspects – I’ve got Uranus rising, Sun trine Uranus, Mercury trine Uranus and Mars inconjunct Uranus. Yep. Hilarious huh. On top of that, I’ve got Venus square Saturn. So, scared of commitment, and feeling unworthy of it anyway. Yes, its been quite a ride, but I’ve learned a lot through years of therapy. I now use EFT and Ho’oponopono a lot, and I’ve come a long way. I feel ready to make a commitment when the right man shows up…and if he doesn’t, then I can be perfectly happy on my own.

  40. I’m very commitmentphobic, Sagittarius sun with Aquarius rising. Have never had a relationship that I felt had any real future. The rewards just never seemed worth the effort once the honeymoon period is over. If a strong connection isn’t supposed to feel like work, resentment and misery, then I have definitely have never found one.

  41. As I get older, I see the benefits of having a partner for practical reasons (Venus in Capricorn) if true love is permanently off the table. That reality might override my commitmentphobia if I feel I stand to lose too much by ending the relationship or wrecking it so he leaves me. But, no matter what, I will probably always have to fight the urge to escape. And have to remind myself that while commitment may feel like prison even with a good partner, the anxiety and fear of always being alone is just another jail. Choose your pain.

  42. And I’m not someone who’s afraid to be alone either. I’m in my mid-40s and never married or had a long-term relationship.

    • I get that totally. Venus/Mars conjunct in Sag here (but scorpio sun/moon/rising wants to merge, but also needs lots of alone time.) For me it’s about balancing time alone and making time for them without feeling selfish. I need to come and go as I please though, but want the guy to still be there. I attract a lot of Cap suns for some reason, but they seem to need to always have someone around.

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