Can A Commitment Phobic Heart Breaker Change?

zodiac towel vintageDear Elsa,

I don’t enjoy breaking hearts, but I’m ruthlessly efficient at it. I’m a self-proclaimed commitment phobic and I’m not entirely sure that I’m fed up of being one just yet. But if I were fed up with being one, is it possible for me not to be one any more?

I’m in the process of breaking up (again!) with a wonderful man, who would give the world to me – if I let him. He’s aware of my phobia and has spent hours upon hours doing research and trying to figure a way to help me get over this. I don’t believe I can change even if I wanted to. Am I wrong?

Heart Breaker

Dear Heart,

I don’t believe you don’t enjoy breaking hearts. I think you love breaking hearts and get some kind of ego boost off it. Can you stop? Of course! But I don’t imagine you will anytime soon.

I see the T-Square in your chart. And I believe you seduce these men for the sole purpose of cutting their throats in some misguided show of your prowess… and eventually this will backfire. It’s as if you are a massive alcoholic who has just started drinking. He/she thinks she can go on like this forever, but this is an illusion. Eventually you will wake up and find yourself bereft. If you’re lucky that will be soon but I’m not holding my breath.

In the future you’ll hit the wall. And at that point, you may decide to straighten up and if you do it will be a slow and very painful process. Till then, party on. But don’t think for a minute you aren’t racking up karma because I guarantee there will be hell to pay in the future. If you believe anyone thinks what you are doing is cute or special, think again.

Good luck.

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Comments

Can A Commitment Phobic Heart Breaker Change? — 31 Comments

  1. Why don’t people just date anymore? Every stinking interaction has to be examined from the ‘longevity’ stand point. Dating is fun! Stop with the faux-committments already.

  2. Haha. Yeah, I think I know what you mean.
    But, the only problem with that is when emotions get to be too much and they need some sense of safety. People get hurt! And even when they say they’re not going to get attached. 9 times out of 10 they do! or they leave because they longed for something more, like true love (…if it exists) or commitment. Humans have emotions… and it is going to get complicated one way or another.

  3. I don’t care for dating and don’t do it much…for me it is pretty much an insta-relationship scenario. That’s ok with me. For some reason, I tend to have few connections with people that get my goat (so to speak) so the one’s that I do have a thing for is pretty overwhelming. Not always magical or anyhing…not always neptunian…just relevant. I prefer this karmic intensity to the quantity–or I just know it so don’t know better? It is harder too, don’t get me wrong. Investing in the wrong thing is horrible on me…but there are never guarentee’s anyway.

    I’m also fem mid thirties so looking for a relationship…so…

    Anywho, I do enjoy my insta-relationships.

    Cheers.

  4. Sidenote: I like it how her identity went from “Heart Breaker” to simply a “Heart” when Elsa started her advising part. In being a Heart Breaker, she also has a Heart! It’s as if Heart forgot this part of the equation. That she also has a Heart deep inside that woman who supposedly wants to destroy every good relationship she has had. (Ooooh alternate meanings! =D)

    *** Instead of seeing her commitment phobic-ness as a sort of monster that she cannot control, one living inside that is *forcing* her to run… she should think about it as a CONSCIOUS DECISION to be afraid.

    (Think about it. Fear controls us… but ONLY if we let it. Only if we perceive that it is more powerful than our conscious action.)

    She believes that she compulsively destroys her commitments, but that’s not true. Somewhere along the way, she made a decision that led her to the situation she is in. I think that’s what Elsa is trying to do. Make her see that she is an ACTIVE agent in her future demise(?)… [I don’t know if I want to use this word!]

    She has *got* to take back the belief that she can make her own decisions on commitment, instead of compulsively destroying relationships. That way, she can have more active participation in her own transformation, much more than she knows or wants to believe.

  5. You maylook at it in a different way if your a victim of a CP.They don’t mean to hurt, it is in there makeup from something in there past!

  6. Maybe it’s time to stop dating. If you don’t want to commit, then don’t get into relationships, and I mean “at all, even casual dates” (since as has been mentioned above, people WILL get attached). If you don’t date, the number of hearts you break goes way down. You don’t have to commit and nobody wants you to. Win-win!

    Okay, so you don’t get sex and companionship, but let’s face it, do you really want those all that much?

  7. Why are you involving real people with real feelings, who may naturally want commitment when you clearly know you are incapable of this? Sounds like your needs would be better met becoming a call girl.

  8. Everything Elsa said, in spades.

    And then, if and when you decide you are ready to stop knowingly and intentionally using and hurting people, I think therapy might be the answer to your question(s).

    I believe you *can* change. But I also believe professional help might/will be in order.

    But it’s like giving up smoking or drinking. You need to be ~ready~. No boyfriend nor therapist is gonna be able to help you until ~you~ are ready. And you have stated that you are not.

    So… back full circle to what Elsa said.

  9. To Heart: Hmmm…. one thing I do support and tell myself is.. “Make it natural!” If it’s not natural, then, breathe and ease it into natural gear. … I’m starting to think to myself, “take a lil break”, instead of “aahh break up now!”.

    I completely understand. I’ve majorly hurt and let down someone because of my commitment fear. Sometimes, it’s hard. Especially with the pressure of expectation breathing down your throat. But, just like Strawberry Fields said, “You need to be ready”, ready to make that conscious decision. Everyday, make that decision — Ohh, I should do this for getting myy work done on time >_

  10. Okay I got cut off because of my emoticon styling!
    Back to the comment—-

    Hmmm… I don’t know… maybe it’s okay that people get a little angry and pissed at you. Because it’s a wake-up call of sorts. Don’t take it too personally. Just know what you need to do. Know what you want. Best of luck.

    A little revision:

    Yeahhh, emotions *are* going to get involved. But, I guess it doesn’t mean that forgiveness shouldn’t happen for those who *don’t* have the same kind of emotion. Like I said, make it natural. But, don’t lie to yourself, other people will have their limits. They will get hurt. They might not see you on the same level.

    Forgive them anyway.

  11. #10 – “take a lil break”, instead of “aahh break up now!”

    I need to remember that myself. Thank you. That’s a good one.

  12. I don’t like that call girl comment. It irritates me! You know, as usual, if a woman doesn’t want to settle down, she must be too sexual for her own britches and needs to be *compensated.*
    Are call girls not real people with real feelings? I guess not to you, #7.

    Here I am, ordering people to date, now backing up their right to play the field. I’m exhausted. Time for a bath.

  13. (Sorry for the length…)

    I’m a commitment phobic in everything BUT love 🙂

    Re christine (#1) – I don’t know why other people don’t “just date”, I’m just telling you my point of view. I’m not a dater and I don’t take love and sex lightly, and I also don’t want to. I don’t feel I’m missing anything. I want intense deep and meaningful relationship and lighter or more casual things just don’t turn me on in any way, I just don’t enjoy them, it’s not interesting to me, superficiality in this area bores me and turns me off. I can live very long periods – I mean years – without love and without sex until I meet someone that is right for me and what I want, and these people are quite rare because I want more than just a commitment and safety, I want a lot of depth too. And being alone for very long time in between doesn’t bother me.

    I know people are different in their needs and that’s OK – I’m not referring to Heart that is an extreme, but to people that are not serial heart breakers, but just need more freedom and space in a relationship or just want to take things more lightly. I say “to each his/her own” – people who need a lot of space or that take things more lightly should try to meet people that are like them – it can still get complicated and difficult, but with honesty there’s a basis for mutual understanding and a modus vivendi can be reached, at least potentially. But when someone like that meets someone like me there’s only potential for trouble – the middle ground between us won’t satisfy either of us – he’ll still feel it’s too suffocating for him and I’ll still feel it’s too shallow for me and doesn’t fulfil my emotional needs. So it’s important to be aware, to know who you are and what you want and need, and try knowing what the other person wants and needs without being judgmental about it – and all this BEFORE you get emotionally involved. Easier said than done, I know.

    As for being a commitment phobic in other areas, I don’t know if it’s the same as being a commitment phobic in love, but I think there are similarities. I guess the emotinal basis for that is a lot less complicated and I also don’t break people’s hearts. It can hurt them in other ways though. However, I mostly hurt myself. I can’t stick to anything, like a steady job and responsibilities or even a hobby, so I spent a lot of years feeling very bad about myself for that.

    I finally learned I need tones of space and personal freedom and individual expression and that’s OK. In this regard I think it might be similar to commintment phobia. Judging and beating myself over it didn’t get me anywhere. I tried to change but I just can’t. What I’m trying to do is being aware of conflicting needs and try to find ways for a compromise between material needs and my need for freedom. It’s a lot less painful than having conflicting emotional needs, but it’s very very hard and there are no available solutions because the vast majority are not like me, so I have to apply some ingenuity, thinking “out of the box”, to find my own way and my own formula that can work. I think in this regard it’s very similar to having a need for freedom in relationships – you need to be very aware and figure out very clearly what your needs are and then you need to make your own formula because the conventional formulas just don’t work for you.

    Going back to astrology – of course looking at Uranus in your chart – its house, sign and aspects – can maybe help one figure out in which areas of their life they’ll need more freedom and individual expression or where one’s different needs conflict. Also Jupiter can indicate a need for freedom and space. And Saturn may indicate where you may feel limited. My chart was a very accurate reflection in my case 🙂

  14. re: #16 – Debby, too bad you’re not gay and don’t live in my town ’cause I’d say: where’ve you been all my life? let’s get married!! 🙂 In any case, it is such a thrill/delight to have you here, saying all the things you say (and have said in some other recent posts) because it makes me feel less alone. It simply feels good to meet a kindred spirit because, as you point out, we are few and far between.

    Tying this in with another recent post… it is so true that there is no right or wrong. Simply, people who are gonna form a friendship or relationship need to be in synch in certain key aspects — whether that means ‘being the same’ or ‘being complementary’. But in those key aspects, even if ‘opposites initially attract’, down the road this usually ends up being the undoing of the couple.

    For example, two people with low sex drives will do just fine together, but mismatched sex drives just won’t fly, long-term. Likewise, two people who need lots of ‘elbow room’ should have no problem. (Speaking in generalities here, of course. There are all kinds of twists and turns, and no one set truth.)

  15. Debby! I *heart* you! I appreciate you mentioning Uranus, especially as it is related to electrical, unconventional things, etc. And I have only recently ‘tuned’ into the internet.

    And to make a long Neptune-inspired story short, the fact that I am so tangibly touched by an ‘internet’ friend is an amazing feeling. You rock! And I am so chuffed about people like yourself (and Strawberrry and many others) and how I can read what you write! I gush, my apologies…
    Uranus is on my MC, along with Scorpio. Ooops you busted me! 😉

  16. SF (#17), I also live in another country and my native language is different than yours, but hey, nothing is perfect 😀

    Did you ever feel like you were some kind of a freak? I mean, like you said there aren’t too many people like that – at times I thought I was maybe the only one in the world… and other people don’t always understand where you’re coming from, and also wishing to talk a lot and analyzing “too much” might even seem neurotic to them. So I sometimes thought that maybe there is something wrong with me. So it’s not only a delight but also a relief to meet a kindred spirit 🙂

    And I agree with everything you said. Opposites can be exciting, but usually won’t work long-term if you’re not in synch in issues that define or have a direct and considerable impact on the relationship itself. You can still enjoy the opposition excitement if it’s in other areas that don’t afflict the nature of the relationship and its direction. For instance, if you have opposite opinions or opposite attitudes or outlooks in some areas.

  17. re: Debby (#19) — “Did you ever feel like you were some kind of a freak?”

    All the time. As a matetr of fact, at my last job, they used to outright ~call me~ a freak. Yep! LITERALLY. 🙂

    BTW: my native language is not English, and I don’t live in the USA. 😉

    Oh, and I’ve been told a zillion times: “You think too much.” 😛

    But I never thought there was anything wrong with me, and still don’t. Just need to find the right people to associate with. (There are currently two such people in my life. Not ~quite~ as ‘deep and complete’ as me, but close enough that our friendship is rich.)

  18. Christine, I have Uranus in th 9th house but like yours it conjuncts my MC which is also the cusp of the 10th house – the way you project yourself to the world and 10th house matters – career, work, authority figures, routines, responsibilities etc. People with Uranus-MC conjunction are said to be extreme individualists.

    As for Uranus and the Internet – yeah. I’m an Internet addict, I used to work on the Internet too. The Internet really removes so many physical limitations and boundaries, starting with geographical distances.

  19. Ha, I’ve got Neptune in the 5th. Haven’t behaved this way, trodding upon people, but certainly have had it happen to me.

  20. for some reason in the past, commitment phobic heart breaker men commit to me, when I look back. But they aren’t really good to me either. So, them trying to lasso me down, and I love commitment anyway, wasn’t healthy for us both. They need to get themselves healed or fixed, since they weren’t good to women for the most part. I attribute this to my Capricorn, pisces and my aquarius singularity, 1st house dominant, 12th house moon. attracting commitment phobic dangerous men who want to commit. weird dichotomy.

  21. This reminds me of Rod Stewart, who at the time he was married to the model Rachel Hunter, “This is the only time in my life I’d finally rather cut of my dick than cheat on my wife.” She wound up dumping him.

    • @Scottish,
      i actually went to read up on it. lol Rachel Hunter said she felt “Suffocated” by him. That he was actually so clingy with her. how strange fate is. smh. And she lost her individuality. She is currently with no one right now, but she is sad that she made him suffer. I think you’re right, it’s all his karma for treating women like their feelings mean nothing, and cheated on those women.

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