Clarifying Toxic Relationships

poisenMy recent post, Saturn in Aquarius and Toxic Relationships, got a lot of discussion going. This is great! But it became clear that I need to clarify my position. I am not in favor of holding on to terrible relationships! I am in favor of reassessing our ideas about what constitutes a terrible relationship.

When I first started consulting, the questions I saw most was someone asking me is there was any way to continue holding on to something awful. They were looking for ways to continue to stay in truly appalling conditions. Come hell or high water, they were determined to endure.

Now I see something very different. I see people who get annoyed by their partner, or whose partner has displeased of disappointed them in some way. They come to me asking why they shouldn’t cut their partner off right then and there.

In both cases, my job is the same. I help put the incident(s) in context and help you determine where your boundaries are and how best to enforce them. Sometimes that means leaving. Sometimes it doesn’t. But you’ll notice that it doesn’t include putting up with toxic shit!

But here’s what I know deep in my heart: Sometimes you have to let people suck. Because they will. Everyone will disappoint you in some way over time. And, in turn, we will disappoint others as well. But if you want to have relationships that last a lifetime, you have to make room for other people to grow, to change, to go through phases, and yes, to suck. And if you’re lucky, they’ll do the same for you.

Do you cut people slack? Can you think of a time someone cut you slack in return?

Consult with Midara.

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Clarifying Toxic Relationships — 9 Comments

  1. I am ruthless with people. Just ruthless. But only on the theoretical level so far. I’m about as compassionate as Rick in Rick and Morty.

    But dreams, coincidence, (such as strange women I don’t really know writing blogs on the internet.) Sheath my sword in the area. So that’s nice.

  2. Yup cut slack for 35 years nope he never was someone who cared to be kind,just hateful .Was told early that men don’t change they wear out. Not saying there aren’t men who don’t change And grow and or care it’s the ones who are unacceptable they don’t feel ,just read liars can’t remember their lies ,they lie because they don’t care

  3. Sometimes people can’t tell if something is annoying or terrible. I’ve been listening to a really sweet podcast series You’ll Do. It’s like a real life romantic movie.. but real

    https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p087hgm1/episodes/downloads

    But people really do get irritated at each other! The couple that run it both have a Libra moon. Their moons probably conjunct.

    I have very bad people skills it seems and don’t always know when to cut people slack. I can barely uphold my boundaries and have learned to listen actively. But we are all there to listen to each other.

  4. There is a saying of like “You have to meet people where they are – and sometimes you gotta leave them where they are, if they don’t want to move forward”

    And yes, personal development and growth IS hard! It’s one of the hardest things in all your life, and you can’t expect to go through it without working on your unhealed parts of your own psyche. The toxic parts of your psyche for example.

    I recently discovered I was feeling let down in January when BF was not ready to move in or was on the same page as me. I was sad and angry and disappointed and started to critizice him. It’s a habit of my own creation from a troubled background.

    So often you end up realising your behaviour was because of unmet/unhealed stuff from childhood traumas with your parents and you projected all your shadows on the partner. I have seen so many instances in previous relationships. Often it had been going on for several years until love couldn’t live there anymore. And then I was left out in the cold by the cheating/self deceived partner.

    Many of them would have had a chance. But apparently I came with a Scorpio vibe that no or only a few people are able to handle with respect and dignity, and my 8th house planets + 4 Scorpio stellium would scare those people away. The trash would take itself out in some way sometimes.

    So yeah, cut people some slack. You decide if you love them enough to put up with it. No one deserves be in toxic relationships… But no one deserves to be judged unfairly either. And yet, a lot of people still are.

  5. I have been thinking about capability and limitations. The work is accepting people for who they are. Everyone has limitations. I saw a kid interviewed at a crowded beach and he said if I die, then everyone around me might die too. That’s just the way it is now. That person is not capable of sheltering at home and taking precautions in public. Just not capable. So why chastise him for it.
    Same in relationships, often a person is expected to be someone they are not to please the other. There are limitations. Because a model mate is this or that, or somone else’s mate is this or that and why can’t you be like that, that’s crazy. Why wouldn’t I want someone to be who they are? Live a lie for me baby, oh yeah! Naaa, I think you better continue your hunt to find your model partner. Because if I come home one more time to a mate wearing my clothes I will scream.

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