Cancer Woman’s Mother Died Suddenly – Capricorn Boyfriend Offers No Comfort

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Dear Elsa

I am really at a loss about how to deal with my boyfriend. I thought that we had a strong relationship and we were planning marriage and our future. However, in February my mom suddenly died. Naturally I was very sad, but instead of helping me or being supportive, my boyfriend just seemed absent from it. Then a week after she died, he said he didn’t “know about our future anymore” and he needed to think about whether or not he wanted to be in a relationship with me. I can’t imagine who does that to someone, and even though I was completely shocked, I accepted the apology that followed and tried to remember that he was great pre-February and maybe this was just a stage he was going through.

Ever since that moment, he has gone through a cycle (usually every month) where everything will be fine and happy, and then he just decides he doesn’t love me or want to be with me. His apologies after that moment and my reaction (always sadness) becomes more intense. But, I buy into his apology and hope and hope that he won’t do it again.

I find myself increasingly becoming “needy” (as he puts it) and too nice to him (like I think if I am sweet and kind to him, he will return the favor). I feel like I am walking on egg shells with him. You see even though he is rejecting me, he won’t totally REJECT me… he always keeps me around or he never says “yes” or “no”… or just “I don’t know”. If I have all the requisite qualities of a girlfriend that he loved before, why now can’t he commit to me? I feel like I did something wrong maybe?

Now, right before my birthday, I found out (from him) that he didn’t feel romantic feelings for me and that he was in love with his ex-girlfriend. This, of course, did not stick, and he changed his mind 2 days later, telling me that he DID feel romantic feelings for me and he didn’t care about her anymore, and he told me that I shouldn’t worry about it because it was just a “bad dream”.

I feel hurt and angry and lonely. I would never treat anymore like this, so shouldn’t I deserve better? I don’t know WHY he is doing this when he used to be so different, and that is making me very depressed. How should I act towards him? What can I do to solve this problem and help myself?

Confused Cancer
United States

Dear Confused,

You’re 27 years old and you have lost your mother. I feel terribly sad for you and I want to do what you ask. I want to help you solve your problem and help yourself and the first thing I want you to know is your boyfriend’s inability and/ or unwillingness to help you through this crisis is not a reflection on you.

Also, his criticizing and calling you “needy” during a time when anyone with a beating heart would have enhanced needs is cold and uncalled for.

Now it sounds to me as if you are functioning very well. A little too well maybe and I get it. Losing your mother is a terrible blow and the last thing you want to do is lose your boyfriend simultaneously. Anyone with half a brain would do anything in their power to prevent something like this; however it may not be possible. It may be he is not the one for you and you are going to suffer a total life crisis at this juncture.

And I am sorry to say that but I don’t know how to avoid saying it – because this guy is not helping you, now when you need him the most. And does that sound like someone you want as a life partner?

Look. I am so sorry. But I think you have been staving off the grieving you are going to have to do and I don’t think your boyfriend is going to magically turn competent which means you are on your own… sort of.

You are on your own except for the fact that there are support groups everywhere… and if I were you I would get hooked up with them immediately. This is one way you can take care of yourself without relying on him and it is possible if you do this it will take some pressure off him and perhaps (?) he will be able to better respond. But either way, you will be taking a positive step and you are almost sure to make new friends – which it sounds like you could really use.

I am so sorry for your loss. Much love and good luck.

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Comments

Cancer Woman’s Mother Died Suddenly – Capricorn Boyfriend Offers No Comfort — 7 Comments

  1. Hello Cancer Gal, I am so sorry you lost your Mum 🙁
    I’m sorry.
    I agree with Elsa: your grief at hand is what needs your immediate attention.
    Take care of yourself. That attention being directed towards attempting to understand your BF’s behaviour–you need that attention.

    I’ve lost many people I’ve loved and one thing each death allowed me to do was bring my attention into focus. My attention of my own life, what I need, who I need…that sort of thing. But that comes in time.
    Some people can’t deal with another person’s grief. They cannot cope. Some people have very deep fears of death and they will show anger because death rattles up everything. I wouldn’t begrudge him for this, but I wouldn’t wait for him to turn suddenly empathetic either.

    Keep your ears and eyes open–it’s amazing who can help you at this time. The people who are best equipped to cope with another person’s grief? It may surprise you who they are.

    Much love!

  2. my sympathies also… i agree with kashmiri, move towards those showing support and love. find a good therapist or grief support group. work this through now or it will crop up again later. some people do have limits when it comes to crisis, but it doesn’t bode well if your significant other bails when you’re hurting. and that’s not ruled by astrology…

  3. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this 🙁 You’ve got my sympathy as well! I agree with both comments above…you need to be there for yourself and receive all the support you can from friends and family right now. I agree with Elsa, your bf is very cold and his behavior is uncalled for. If it is any consolation at all, I had a bf like this in college who was great when everything was swell and became cold and unloving when my grandmother died. He actually told me “he wasn’t good at dealing with these things” and went to a Halloween party while I sat and cried. Some people really can’t cope. But it’s not a choice really, and at some point they will have to learn. And even though I got no support from him, I received a lot of support from other sources and it made me realize who my real friends were. I am sure you will see the same. Sometimes, when a relationship is put to the test like this and the other person fails you, you have to see they don’t deserve you and let it go. You deserve far better! Like Elsa said, ANYONE would show support at a time like this, and it goes without saying that your bf should be at the top of the list. When you see people showing up for you when it counts, then you know that they love you. And really, all the reassurances in the world won’t take its place. Take care of yourself, you will get through this. Let your friends and family support you and lift you up. Good luck!!!

  4. Point: There are people on this site who are reaching out to you and showing love because they know you need it. These people don’t know you but they are trying to give you what you need at this time in your life. Seems like someone who really knows you and cares about you would be doing a hundred times more…
    Seems like your boy-FRIEND is not a true friend at all.
    You deserve something better. Cap or not, a true FRIEND would be there for you when you need him/her most. Maybe the “powers that be” are trying to show you something?

  5. hi cancer gal,
    im so sorry for ur loss. losing a parent is terrible 4 any1, but 4 a cancer, it must b terribly difficult.
    i read d above comments n it seems like evry1s ganging up on cap. N as a rising sign/mars cap n saturn in 12th house, id like 2 say something on caps in genral.
    see saturn represents father. wen were children n were upset, its usually d mother who always comforts. of course fathers equally sensitive n caring, but somehow its a little hard to express dat side. its a role thing
    ive never been able to accept death…wen one of my fren`s family passed away, i didnt say anything to console him. i just blocked it out. its just 2 heavy n intense and permanent to think abt. u cant do anything abt it n ur helpless. n caps hate feeling helpless. 4 ex, i hate goin to parlours n doctors. i fuckin hate it!! cuz then i hav to somehow give up control.

    i know dis comment(?)is 2 long but just wanted to clarify wat ur bf may b goin thru. yes he has disappointed u but i dont think hes a bad person.
    he just doesnt know how 2 deal wt death. n if dats not enough of a reason 4 u, leave him.
    Good luck.

  6. Saturns Child: As a Cappy moon with Saturn conjunct venus/mercury, believe me I know all about having problems expressing sympathy for others in need. And I know people like us tend to respond to crises by taking on the father role — repressing our feelings, trying to keep everything together and encouraging our loved ones to move on in life rather than wallowing in emotions. But that’s not what the bf sounds like he’s doing here. He’s actively trying to keep her from dealing with her mother’s death by undermining her sense of security in him, thereby demanding that she focus her attention on him instead of her own grief. As a Saturn person, I find his behavior completely irresponsible and obnoxious. She needs to dump him! That’s Saturn talking.

  7. yes she does need to dump him…cuz personally i fell cap/cancer rels can never work out.cancer is just too emotional to be wt cap for a long time.i dont know d rest of d bf`s chart…maybe he has moon sq saturn.

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