Bucking The Trend By Partnering Successfully

going-against-the-grainForty-seven people weighed in on Your Odds Of Marrying…Are Low. Some people feel cursed, others are confused or on the fence about marriage. Some bemoan the state of our society. Some say they have no desire to marry while others seem to be holding out for a miracle. No one seems to think a woman can just waltz up and get married these days.

I am most interested in addressing the latter because I think most problems are solved from the bottom up rather than the top down. In other words, complaining about society won’t solve a thing. However, some individuals can and will successfully navigate in these conditions and be able to carve out the life they want, with determination.

Janet asked for advice or hope and I responded: “The number one, first thing to do is to define what it is you want. If you’re on the fence, you’ve got virtually no chance of getting something to come together.”

I think that’s a simple truth. To get married and to stay married, to raise your children in a two-parent family, to keep your family together is to buck the trend at this point. No one is going to wind up going against the tide without clear intention to do so but it can certainly be done.  You’ve got all these people wringing their hands about how impossible it all is and how oppressive things are. You can be the one who opts to cut through all that and gets something done. You can be distinguish yourself by being effective but you will clearly have to leave the pack to do so.

These themes dominate my astrological consulting practice at this point. People want to get off this cruise to nowhere and nothing. I don’t think there is a cookie-cutter way to address this.

If you are twenty years old, you have these options.
If you are 30 years old and have two kids, you have these other options.
If you are 40 years old and have no children, you have these other options, etc.

People resist simple facts like these when understanding them, accepting and embracing them is imperative for anyone who wants to be in a position to pull out from the ineffectual masses.

If you are not happy and you are not satisfied, you are the only one who can do anything about it. In this case, it would probably require you change your attitude if not your entire belief system. I realize most are not going to do this but I am talking to those who are truly sick of their situations and do want to fight (Mars) to achieve (Saturn).

How determined are you to partner?

 


Comments

Bucking The Trend By Partnering Successfully — 38 Comments

  1. I had a pretty good attitude in the past. I noticed any negative beliefs, took some chances, but maybe I didn’t take enough chances – I didn’t tackle relationships as I would have done a deadline for something else. I don’t know if I’m making sense.

    I just can’t be thinking about this when I might be PMS’ing. I was reading about similar things on a relationship board, over the past two days – a board I’ve left in the past, because it’s covered with either bitter men, some women trying to figure out what this guy wants, when he’s being flaky, some women who have their heads on straight, and haven’t given up – or are happily partnered. Some men who are the male equivalent of those women. Guys trying to figure out how to meet the girls (mostly the hot ones, who flake on them). A lot of posts insulting women, from those bitter men. My attitude has mostly been wary but open, if I meet someone that I get along with, and am attracted to, but at the moment, what I’m seeing doesn’t have me feeling that optimistic. I also know that I still have my own issues to work out – I’ve vented over and over, here, whereas my journal would have been getting that before (and then been burned, because I didn’t want to look back at that).

  2. I am determined to be partnered, know what I want on that front, and am willing to do what it takes to get there. I just don’t have the foggiest idea of what it is I need to do! 🙂

  3. Having noticed just recently that Venus is right on my ASC in the 12th (I knew it was there, but did not think about it much), I know I will HAVE to get married again.

    Growing up, I never wanted to get married. I wanted to work and travel. I’ve been married twice and worked very hard (and too long) to make those marriages work.

    Even after two HORRIBLE marriages, I have admitted to myself that I like being a wife and a part of a whole family better than I like being independent.

    I’ve finally realized that Saturn being conjunct my Venus means that I will be happily partnered later in life, and I’ll be better off with someone more than a few months older than me.

    Being as they are in Aquarius, there are many possibilities how that will manifest. Is he a friend (I doubt that)? Is he an electrician? Is he an Astrologer? An Astronaut? (The first ex worked with batteries and the second ex with computers.) Whatever the connection, it will be unusual somehow.

    My ex moved out over one year ago, and my divorce has been final for seven months. I’m 48 and have three kids, so no dating yet.

    This time around, I want the guy that is perfect for me and my kids – and he IS out there somewhere looking for us. I don’t want to date around – never liked that.

    This is an unfolding situation, and as soon as something happens, you can bet your bippy I’ll be on here talking about it. I’ll have to ask my daughter how to post my chart on the Boards because even with instructions, I can’t figure it out for some reason.

    We have a void in our family and I want it filled!

  4. Great post. Agree, you have to know what you want first.

    For a long time, I only knew what I didn’t want. Then I finally figured out what I did want. Just recently figured out what I need/prefer/can take along with the wants. Years it took to make those realizations and lack of bothering to look or try prevented me partnering. But I also know (thanks astrology) I’m good without it and everything happened the way it needed to for my life or soul development etc.

    At this point i’m very ill and all that is over, the possibility and the desire. I’m happy for others though. I think if you really want to partner, you will. And if you don’t or it’s not a mission or goal in life, like me, you won’t 🙂 If it arrives in some odd surprising way on my doorstep and it’s healthy, solid and decent, I’m in. But if not, I’m good. From what I’ve seen, it’s not all that and a bag of chips, for my life I mean 🙂

  5. Great post. I was absolutely determined to partner again after a long long time and after many dating disasters. It took me a long time to figure out exactly what I wanted and then to get over my fears (Saturn in the 7th). Elsa’s reading for me last fall hit the nail on the head and was a pivotal point for me.

    I think it was the crest of the wave really – after years and years of pondering and fearing, I went on-line to “practice dating”…but I met the Aussie. I couldn’t have asked for a partner who is more suited to me than him! I feel blessed every day that I know him.

    I do think the key is taking absolute responsibility for oneself and for making the necessary changes in your life. It is no use to complain, point fingers at other people, talk about how impossible it is if you really want to partner. I’ve done all of these things and the only thing that worked was self responsibility.

  6. Not very. I have been 50/50 on this topic since 2005. It is easier for me to choose the path of least resistance and stay single than it is for me to climb mountains and sign up for match.com and date every creep that asks me out once again the way that I used to. I hated that and I don’t want to go on a date again unless I actually want to go.

    I desperately want to be married, but I also desperately don’t want to have to be the wife and am obviously more suited to singlehood anyway, and I cannot come up with a solution to that problem. I don’t think it exists. We don’t have surgery good enough to fix that.

  7. I am Absolutely determined to stay married!!!!!! This is my second time around and last. That is my determination.

    Great post on an important topic Elsa. Thank you!!!

  8. am I the only one who dreams of being un-partnered?? yrs ago I would say I would be determined to stay married but in the last few yrs I would say I completely feel that really I am not the Marriage type. I got married in my late 20’s I have 2 kids and thought this is what I should have but as time progressed and I realized I think this marriage roller coaster really is not for me. Its stressful and the cons outweigh the benefits lately. I guess I thought that getting married and having kids is what I should do but really I would rather travel the globe and experience life than sit in the suburbia prison!! I feel most happy when I am traveling and hanging with my fellow artists.. this typical lifestyle really is not for me- wish I could have seen it when I was 28- and since the economy has ruined my job cash flow I will have to ride it out for quite a few more yrs before I could ever really decide to be free.

    I am wondering if I am the only one out there like this? Sometimes it sure seems like it!

  9. Very!

    However I know that it won’t be easy because it has never been. I understand now more what I’m doing wrong and I always knew that I was the one preventing myself from relationships but it still doesn’t make the process easy or fast-moving. With Saturn sitting on my 5th house cusp and ruling my 7th house, everything has to be done slowly and thoroughly.
    It can get annoying because it sometimes affects my self-esteem because I can’t seem to get it right but I’ll move past this hopefully!

  10. i decided what i wanted, realized the way i was acting wasn’t going to help me find it, figured out how to look for it. 2 1/2 years later i was married. to someone who challenges me, helps me grow, and deeply supports me. and it’s work. but so very worth the investment.
    i also followed my gut.

  11. Ellen, i’ve never married but came close twice, and then I woke up 🙂 I knew as a child I never ever wanted to marry. knew it! So when the crunch came, I didn’t, because that was right for me.

    So I don’t think you’re the only one out there like this. Actually, someone I loved is very much like you but he NEEDS to have a partner. That’s clearly in his chart. So he does what you describe and gets into relationships but resents it mostly. My chart supports not being married so it’s easier for me.

    I cannot stand the thought of being a “wife”. That’s not me. If I was going to partner (equal 50/50 situation), I would enjoy that, but not marriage and no wife roles. Just can’t do it and it’s entirely unappealing to me.

  12. CLD: Yeah, I sound like your friend there. Though to be fair, when I am in relationships I make the other one resentful because I can’t give them what they want (or am too smothery or demanding) rather than the other way around.

    Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to just have the dude live next door for life, or if at some point I’d be screaming for more commitment even if it wasn’t a good idea. I don’t know, but nobody’s going for it so far.

  13. I have determinedly walked right into a marital deathtrap/fiasco. Twice. Now I already know determination means nothing, if the right ingredients are not there. Like any good Capricorn, I learned it the hard way.

    Now that I know a thing or two about astrology, I have come to realize the woman who could live with me for any longer period, would have to have a most unusual chart, unlikely to be found on this planet. There are some empty spots in my chart that do not aspect any of my Grand Crosses. All of her objects would have to be on those few degrees. No doubt, she would be either insane or a being of pure light, depending on her evolutionary level. Yes, I’d need an angel. Yes, she’d have to bring her own miracles. Yes, I’m on the wrong planet for that.

    Oh well, these are strange days. I’m sure we’ll see some pigs fly in the near future. When that happens, I hope they’re houseclean.

  14. In accordance with my typical curve-ball life path, the moment I decided to stay single forever I walked out onto the street one day and met my boyfriend walking down the sidewalk right in front of my apartment. Now I’m in the most easy-going drama-free relationship I’ve ever experienced and we’re expecting our first child together.

    Marriage? Maybe down the road but now I’ve completely changed my viewpoint and I’m determined to make it work.

  15. Ellen, I don’t think that you have to be trapped in suburbia prison, just because you’re married. I’m acquainted with a woman who’s engaged, has two children, is expecting a third, and she and her fiance just moved the family to Costa Rica! I’ve had three international moves in my lifetime, between England and the U.S. and would do it again. One place I’d considered was Italy. 🙂

  16. lacey, I thought that would have happened that way for me, by now. That’s what I’ve always expected. I know of someone who met her now-husband, when she’d decided to stop dating for a while. She was already acquainted with him online, and the next thing I knew, they were engaged – before they’d even met in person (but skyped). Married at the end of 2007, and they now have a baby.

  17. I am determined to figure out what I really want and how to partner. What adjustments are healthy and what ones are not. Kids do affect this oh wow..,,

  18. I do agree, from the bottom up and not the opposite. We are witnessing in these days the failure of these from-top-down approaches…

    By the way, marriage as economy in astrology, they both belong to the seventh…

  19. @ Lacey You brought a good point that relates to my situation. You see, after my.divorce, I was soooooo happy to be single and made it my mantra to Never marry again. And for years I stood my ground.

    6 years later, I met the most unexpected person. we both agreed that we would date if we both agreed that it wouldnt lead to marriage. A huge sigh of relief and then a year later we got married.

    And I am full-on stellium Sag which is surprising that I would be deeply happy partnered. I still feel very independent and free ..just needed to fund the right partner.

  20. Salai – yes I am trapped with this economy and our finances the way they are (basically none) we can’t go anywhere!! I wanted to move back to the NYC area and then I prob would feel much better- being connected to ppl whom “get me” and I always felt at home in NYC- don’t know why I ever left- brain cramp I guess- oh yeah decided to have a family- brilliant!! not! haa

    I feel being a mother/wife is so non-appreciated- I have my own business and get apprecation there- but that starry dreamy/ romantic view of family life and marriage is crap- I also think I married the wrong sign for me

    I am Aries sun, SAg rising, Taurus moon

    husband- Cancer sun, Libra rising, Taurus moon = constant battle!! I just would like an easy relationship but then again as an Aries I prob would get bored and toss that one- I find many fellow Aries struggle in relationships period- because we are always looking for the next best thing and have this romantic ideal that is just not realistic!

  21. Being in a partnership is very important to me. younder I interrogated myself on my inability to go alone, or on my “need” to be with someone, and I think at the time I was partly looking to avoid looking inside myself and resolve some issues – but I also definitely like being partnered. I wanted to marry once and I wanted it to be for life, I’ve always idealised the notion of “family” (moon cj Jupiter in on the IC) however this in opposition to my MC where Pluto sits – I have found it hard to concile both ambitions to be at home and at work at the same time!! (not found other solution than to do one after the other for the moment). I have Saturn (in Cancer) and Venus (Gemini)both in House 7. Didn’t really work out “as planed” lol my first marriage failed and it’s only then I got to tackle my own issues and figure out what I needed and who I was. Events then collided and I met my partner only 3 months after my divorce and 6 months after we have decided to get married. He’s got Venus in Gemini too, and…we’d like this to be our second and last marriage 😉 Good luck to everyone in their endeavours!

  22. elsa, there are times when your posts WOW me & this is definitely one of those times, and the reason i read your blog. you have spoken the truth & it’s empowering. many thanks 🙂

  23. Ellen, I’m an Aries/Gemini/Scorpio. 🙂 I struggle more for personal reasons, but I also know what I want, and so far, I haven’t come across it many times – but I’m not out there enough, and around men every day.

    I wasn’t sure about having children, and still don’t have them, but I’ve always thought I’d have a partner at some point – a real, loving, fun, supportive partner.

  24. I actually don’t like being unmarried. I don’t find it freeing at all. When I was divorced and talking to my sister and her single friends who were never married, they always wanted to put down marrieds and send group emails full of horrible marriage statistics. We were on different planets. I had to tell my sister finally, when she objected to my getting remarried and predicting all kinds of doom and gloom, that we didn’t really have the same idea of marriage so it was pointless to discuss.

    I didn’t like being a single mother, as a practical day-to-day thing, as a place in society, as a dating prospect- that’s just me. You have to know yourself. It doesn’t bother many people that they are 35 and never married. For me, no amount of success in other areas would have made up for being single at 26, never mind 35.

    So I agree with this post and would add that it is important to really figure out what you want, and filter out what other people think of your choice.

    Side note: I personally see people who are successful artists, btw, in solid relationships, not all single and bohemian which seems to be some idea out there- so when people say that being single is some boon to creative success, I just don’t believe it.

    Maybe some of you have gotten the same message but don’t actually believe it deep down, either. Feel free to partner! 🙂

  25. I’m ready to fall in love again – not get married.

    I am divorced and kept ex as perfect dad for my kid. My child has got even more brothers and sisters by dad’s new marriage.
    We celebrate my (our) child with “both families” together.
    Hard work for 12 years, expensive, no simple blueprints – but worth it.

    After being “single” so long I am ready to have more “my own” friends, even fall in love. The kid maybe waits this more than I do, he wants mother to have company (while he starts soon date himself also) 😉

    But no for marriage – I don’t need “partner”- I need more a friend.

  26. I’m very determined to strike the best balance between pleasing others (Moon/Mars in Libra) and being valued for my contributions (Venus/Saturn/Pluto in Scorpio).

    Because I really, really want to be partnered.

    I also want to be happy and on an even-keel.

    These things can’t go separately for me. So I can’t pick a partner that will unbalance me. It just won’t be good for anybody.

    My ex and I are still in relationship negotiations at the moment and whether he chooses to commit to helping me stay balanced, I know I committed all my resources to working it out, I articulated it, and put it on the table. Cos I wanted it.

    Thanks for the good Saturn in Libra advice, Elsa, and everyone else who comments… I read as much as I can and I’ve learned so much that I’m putting into practice.

  27. I came across this thread and can tell you that pretty everyone who said they wanted to stay partnered in this thread (that I know of), has succeeded. It says a lot!

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