I am in love with a friend who has been my friend for seven years. When I met him he was dating my best friend. They broke up and we started talking two years ago. The relationship quickly became sexually involved even though there was distance between us at the time. When he would come see me, we would have a great time, and I expected he would eventually want to be a “couple.” No such luck. He broke it off.
Speed up to current and we’re at it again. This time way more involved emotionally and sexually (which is amazing, by the way….we both agree we’ve never had better sex), and now there is no distance between us. The sex is great, I treat him wonderfully, and vice versa, but he doesn’t let me in. He knows I want to be with him, yet he won’t settle down. What gives?
Dear Broken Hearted,
The deal here is exactly what you say it is. He doesn’t want to settle down! He wants to have sex. He wants to have fun. And he does not want to settle down!
And this is part of his appeal. Can you see that? He’s elusive and he’s dashing and he can’t be broken. He can’t be contained and this is one of the reasons you’re passionate for him.
See, he’s this free bird out there and he’s simply not looking to have his wings clipped. Your issue is CONTROL. You want to control the situation and it would be very good if you could see that if you were to ever be successful in this endeavor – you’d have *nothing. Well, you’d have some broken puppy-man, but you’d hate that, wouldn’t you?
So figure it out. Do you want dashing and elusive? Or do you want safe and predicable?
If you’re like most people, you want both! And if this is the case, then quit trying to kill the goose that’s laying your eggs!
I know you’re thinking, “We have good sex, so let’s settle down.” But he doesn’t think that at all. He thinks – we have good sex, so let’s have some more good sex! And some more good sex after that. And it’s not because you fall short in anyway. It’s just the way he’s strung.
So can you honor this? Can you love him the way he is? Because he’s making it real clear he doesn’t sign any documents and I’m pretty sure the more you cling, the more he’s going to pull back.
I gotta tell you, I don’t think there is a failure here. He’s 23 and when I was that age, I was just like him. I wanted to have fun and I wanted to have sex. Lots of men wanted to contain me – nail me down and this just never occurred to me. The less it occurred to me, the more it occurred to them and it didn’t take long until the whole thing collapsed.
The man I wound up attached to was the one who let me go – and even told me to go, on occasion. And it’s easy to see why, huh? He was the one who “got me”.
So there you go. This is what you’ve got, and from here, it’s your pick.